highvoltage Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Hey all, I have been thinking a lot lately (dangerous, I know) about what I believe about God and the Bible. To make a long story short, and since this isn't exactly a testimony, I don't believe in God or the Bible or any of that supernatural stuff anymore. I've been having doubts about religion and Christianity for a while now, and I have recently started coming out of the closet about my beliefs. I've told some of my friends, who are Christian, and they for the most part respect my reasoning and judgement. I however have not told my family anything about this. I've stopped going to church because it's bad for my blood pressure (irritating, infuriating, etc...you may know the feeling). Now I'm going home in a week and a half and will probably have to face them then about this matter (they are still staunch Church of Christ, BTW). Truth be told, I'm pretty scared about all of this. I can't go on living a lie, but being honest is about to suck bigtime... What have been some of your experiences in this matter? -hv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 My family happens to be moderates (at least, my dad & stepmom). They have friends of other religions, including some Universalist and one couple who belongs to a new-age cult. So they were pretty accepting, though my stepmom keeps trying to encourage me to go to church for the "emotional support" -- which I never got from church. I got it from my family and my real friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted July 20, 2005 Author Share Posted July 20, 2005 Thanks for replying. I'm glad that your family is understanding. I guess I don't really know for sure how my family will respond. I simply know they've never spoken very highly of athiests, and they hold to their beliefs pretty strongly. And I agree with you about getting my emotional support from my friends and family, so I just hope that this change in mindset of mine will not upset that. I guess we shall see, and maybe I'm all worked up about nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 It's the unknown we fear. We don't know how they will respond, and fearing the worst (because we know them or know how we used to feel about unbelievers) we are naturally hesitant to share our true feelings. At least, that's how it is for me. I still haven't told any extended family, with the exception of my mother, who took it as no big deal. She trusts my judgement and actually, I think she also believes that Christians don't hold the patent on ultimate truth. I'll get the opportunity to possibly deal with this myself, next month, at my sil's wedding. We are flying up to see my dh's family. I've not seen them in several years, and they have no clue as to my apostacy. It will crush them, confuse them and I'm sure I'll be met with tons of questions, if it comes up at all, that is. Good luck. I feel for you. My stomach goes into a churn whenever I think about telling my family. I thought about telling my dad, but after visiting with him on my last trip to his place, realized he was more of a believer than I thought he was (I think he went through a period of doubt). The reason I didn't bring it up with him was not fear, but respect. I don't want to hurt him, so haven't said anything. Obviously I don't care if I hurt my inlaws or not. (that was a joke...) We're here for support though....and we're all ears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antlerman Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 My son is an evangelical Christian and his reaction to my rejection of my old Christian beliefs was interesting. At first I was simply trying to modify my beliefs to be more open to reality, and because they weren't like his beliefs he accused me of not believing in God by not believing, "What the Bible says". Eventually on my own road I finally wrote off all religion and any belief in God for myself. His reaction to my atheism was comments like, "what would stop you from just killing someone since there's no god", and other such misunderstandings. I had the advantage of having spent many years considering all these things, issues with the bible, etc, and add to this I was pretty practiced in debate with other Christians and could defend myself with intelligent responses. It seemed it was mostly debates with him, and now he just doesn't bring it up - at least not as often. He is still my son and we have an otherwise good relationship. In your case, I'm only guessing they may feel hurt and confusion, but hopefully they will accept you despite having a difference of opinion. It may take them awhile, but if anything I could offer would be to be true to yourself and don't let others rattle your self confidence. Good luck to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatifidontwantausername? Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 It looks like I will have to be the harbinger of bad news. Look, many people will understand your choice in religion while others will not. I found this article several years ago on a website called www.spiritonline.com that I thought was helpfull. Given, it is geared towards pagans but I think it will help almoast anybody dealing with a situation like this. How do I Tell My Family/Friends Im Pagan?One of the most difficult struggles for a pagan is telling your family and friends about your beliefs. The majority of wiccans and pagans today practice their faith in secrecy. But it's a great burden to keep such an important secret from those close to you. Once you feel you are ready, how do you tell them? How will they react? Well, knowing how people are likely to react before hand is the most important factor in how you should handle "coming out" about your beliefs. There are three basic levels of reactions. By understanding these, you should be able to estimate what reaction you will get from whom. This chart will help you prepare to deal with these various levels of reactions: Level 1: Acceptance. This person will not discriminate against you or change their opinion of you when you tell them about your faith. The level 1 person will probably show an interest in understanding your beliefs. They will not try to change or judge you. Level 2: Conflict. This person is more difficult. Their initial response will probably be denial. ("This is just a stage, you'll get past it.") If you do not show signs of "getting past it", they will attempt to persuade you to change your mind. They'll do things like invite you to church, bring up religion often, give you pamphlets relating to the religion they think you should belong to, or try to "witness" to you. Parents will probably "forbid" you to practice paganism if you are a minor. The best way to handle a level 2 response is to tell them about your beliefs. Try to clear away the misconceptions and create an understanding. Let them ask you questions. If it's a family member, make a compromise- for example, if they will listen to your side and try to accept and show tolerance, you will join them for their holidays and religious celebrations as a family. But let them know that if they care about you, they won't try to change you. Level 3: Persecution. The most difficult struggle is with a level 3 person. Generally, they are very conservative and religiously zealous. Worst of all, they are probably hugely misinformed about paganism. Their initial reaction, like level 2, will be denial. They might just make jokes at your expense to try to degrade and weaken you or change your mind. They will proceed to argue and debate with you about your decision. Eventually, if they are not satisfied, some level of discrimination will come in. Friends will avoid you, or family members will give you the "silent treatment" to try to convince you to conform. Some might even do something extremely drastic. Parents have been known to take their children to be exorcised of evil, or tell them they are mentally ill and get them therapy. This is the extreme, but it has happened before. A group of level 3 people can be dangerous. They might try to get you out of the community (neighborhood or city) by scaring you. This is rare, but may occur in conservative Christian communities. How do you handle a level 3 reaction? The best idea is to avoid it altogether if you can predict it and fear for your safety. If you are uncomfortable in your community, move. If you are a minor and live with your parents, and they are likely to react this way, you should wait until adulthood to "come out". Until you are an adult, your parents dominate you. It is better to avoid persecution and tension within the home if you can. This article is not intended to scare you, but to prepare you. You should consider and analyse those you wish to tell. Based on what they have said in the past, what they think about certain social groups, and what they say about people who are "different" than them, you can make an estimation of what level they might be. From there, build a plan. Decide what you will say, and be ready to answer any questions they would want to ask. If you wish to publically "come out", realize that you will be dealing with people from all three levels. Make sure you are really ready and feel you can trust the community fairly well. Most of all, be prepared for any level of response! I hope this has helped you to at least begin mapping out how you wish to tell others about your spirituality. Remember that those who truly care about you will understand. Give people awhile to adjust to the news, but don't let them bring you down. Be proud of who you are, and let your gods give you strength. Good luck to you. Blessed be! Good luck -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LloydDobler Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 I can't go on living a lie, but being honest is about to suck bigtime... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Just keep in mind that remaining silent is not the same thing as lying. Do you tell them how often you masturbate? Do you tell them what you ate for dinner two weeks ago? Are you living a lie about those things? I know the examples are silly but the point is, it's nobody's business but yours. Religion thrives on group thinking, and it brainwashes us into thinking if we hide parts of ourselves it's the same as lying. It's not. I know it's very difficult in matters of religion, especially with religious family. My parents are on me all the time to get back to church, and keep trusting the lord, because they don't know the extent of my de-conversion. I don't lie to them, I just nod as they tell me what they think, and I keep silent about what I think. Tell what you want to tell. No comment on what you want to no comment on. And welcome to the forums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 Thanks guys. I really appreciate the kind and thoughtful responses. Thanks Lloyd, you're right about the "living a lie" thing. I just feel uncomfortable at church and know that I probably won't be going with my family when I go visit them. Then the topic will come up as to why, and well, I'm still thinking about how to best handle that. It's in that situation where I want to be honest. I feel they deserve real answers to those questions; however, they probably don't need to know all about what I think, nor do I want to tell them (at least right now). Of course this is all conjecture right now, as I haven't actually brought anything up with them about my apostacy. I may judge at the time that all of this would be a bad idea to say anything. Again, thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatifidontwantausername? Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Personaly, and this is only my opinion, I think it may be a little disasterous to wait until the last minute to tell about that sort of thing. If they ask you to go to church and you say no on a Sunday morning then there may be hell to pay(no pun intended). I say to talk to them about it before you go there, or just sit through the sermon. If you tell them before you go then be ready for an "intervention" and if you sit through the sermon plan on sleeping. If at all possible. Still, that's only my opinion. -Jake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caretaker Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Ah, yes! A fellow Linux user! What's your distro? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 Ah, yes! A fellow Linux user! What's your distro? Gentoo here. You? I always love to find fellow Linux users. I may just keep to myself about all of this for a little while. My family likes talking about religion a lot, so I'll just have to avoid all of those little discussions too if I choose not to reveal my true feelings on this matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Personaly, and this is only my opinion, I think it may be a little disasterous to wait until the last minute to tell about that sort of thing. If they ask you to go to church and you say no on a Sunday morning then there may be hell to pay(no pun intended). I say to talk to them about it before you go there, or just sit through the sermon. If you tell them before you go then be ready for an "intervention" and if you sit through the sermon plan on sleeping. If at all possible. Still, that's only my opinion. -Jake That is what happened to me. I was visiting my parents and my mom tried to get me out of bed for church. I tried telling her nicely that I didn't want to go. When she persisted I told her that if she kept it up she would make me say something she wasn't ready to hear. She persisted, so I told her I don't go to church any more. She got quiet and I never heard much more about it. I don't recall if I ever told my parents I am an atheist, but they don't discuss this issue with me. A few years later my mom sent me the Strobel (sp?) book through Amazon. She never mentions it though and neither do I. Personally, I don't want to hurt them. They have had religion their entire lives and if I start planting seeds of doubt now their whole world could crumble, and what good would that do? They are great people and just fantastic human beings, christian or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caretaker Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 Gentoo here. You? I always love to find fellow Linux users.I may just keep to myself about all of this for a little while. My family likes talking about religion a lot, so I'll just have to avoid all of those little discussions too if I choose not to reveal my true feelings on this matter. SuSE 9.3 You are in good company here... we have a good handful of Linux users here, and even a BSD user here (you know who you are!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 I however have not told my family anything about this. I've stopped going to church because it's bad for my blood pressure. Although you are under no obligation to share your beliefs with anyone (family included), odds are it's going to come out eventually one way or another. They'll figure it out even if you don't tell them unless you are willing to live a lie and are good at it (go to church everytime they are around, lie and claim you are going when they're not around, participate in group prayers, talk about eshatology without laughing out loud, etc.) My wife has known of my apostasy for about 2 years now, but my siblings and parents are just now putting it together. I don't know how they will react, but honestly, if they can't accept me for who I am, then fuck 'em. It's not like I'm a murderer or rapist or the like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dogmatically_challenged Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Hey all, I have been thinking a lot lately (dangerous, I know) about what I believe about God and the Bible. To make a long story short, and since this isn't exactly a testimony, I don't believe in God or the Bible or any of that supernatural stuff anymore. I've been having doubts about religion and Christianity for a while now, and I have recently started coming out of the closet about my beliefs. I've told some of my friends, who are Christian, and they for the most part respect my reasoning and judgement. I however have not told my family anything about this. I've stopped going to church because it's bad for my blood pressure (irritating, infuriating, etc...you may know the feeling). Now I'm going home in a week and a half and will probably have to face them then about this matter (they are still staunch Church of Christ, BTW). Truth be told, I'm pretty scared about all of this. I can't go on living a lie, but being honest is about to suck bigtime... What have been some of your experiences in this matter? -hv <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I am angry all the time. I am angry that I'm treated as though I'm flawed somehow and that I'm feared on some level by xers. That they want to pressure me to succum to thier invisible friend. This is from just being open about being an unbeliever. I never really told my fam I'm atheist though, to be honest. Everyone else knows of my atheism, even strangers when the subject of god or religion comes up. hehe. Being honest for your sake is bittersweet and can be lonely a lot of the time. Being dishonest for others sake is bittersweet and can be lonely a lot of the time. For me, being a natural bastard really helps in doing things for my sake more often when it comes to lose lose situations were superstition is involved. I hope this helps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 I hope this helps Thanks dc, it does. At least knowing that there are others out there that have to deal with the same crap. I respect your honesty a lot, and it's something that I aspire to for myself. I've still got a way to go before I heal enough to be able to face religious (more specifically, xtian) situations with the courage and self-assuredness to be that person I want to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted August 7, 2005 Author Share Posted August 7, 2005 I've still got a way to go before I heal enough to be able to face religious (more specifically, xtian) situations with the courage and self-assuredness to be that person I want to be. Well, it looks like it won't be this time. (I'm at home right now. I'll be leaving before next Sunday, tho) I'll be in church tomorrow; I've decided that now is not a good time to tell my family. I think I'll bring one of those little 2"x3" notebooks to doodle in. It'll happen someday, just not right now. They're pretty into the church scene, and I get the impression that it would crush them if I told them I don't believe anymore. I think it would be better for now if I just went to church with them and didn't say anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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