My Ex-testimonies

[Guest Red Snyper]

Hello,

 

This is my first formal post. I have been aquainted with Madame M and aexapo who frequently post here.

 

Here are two ex-testimonies that I have written. The latter being an email I wrote today to someone who posted on www.exchristian.org:

Expecting Great Things but Receiving Hardship and Confusion 

 

My story begins in November of 1993 when I met my first girlfriend. She was a christian, and invited me to "Heaven's Gate, Hell's flames" play at an assembly of God, I made the altar call afterwards, not fully understanding what I did. Then the church I made my home church was a small fundamental full gospel church way in the country that she attended. Everyone there was treated like family, and oh how wonderful I felt for those first few years until, I had serious doubts about everything (the existance of God and everything) but I soon got over it, being rooted in the Word. When I look back on it, I was in depression and didn't even realize it. I see now that this is not normal, though I thought it was a normal part of the christian life (that's all I knew). Christmas, Easter, and many other holidays were shunned, and the Catholic church was shunned as the great evil in the world. Mostly everything was centered in anti-catholicism. Government was looked upon as "Big Brother watching us, etc." The sermons were sharp and many times very condeming. There was hardly any book in the Bible that was overlooked. Higher education was shunned upon (as an unspoken rule), and any mention of going to a christian college or bible school was looked upon with disdain.

 

The only thing that was looked favorably upon was work that required hand-on hard manual labor, which personally, i was never used too. I worked in dept stores, and grocery stores before, and I was mostly an academic before I went to that church, and the people their did not graduate high school and very 'green' about things in life. You couldn't have an intellectual conversation with anyone, though my pastor was pretty smart in many areas and had alot of common sense and book learning.

 

But in that church, constantly had to live up to many rules, and was always nervous if the pastor was upset with me or what he thought of most things that I did. I played drums in that church and wasn't the most skillful player, and many times I didnt want to play because it made me nervous, but not playing brought condemnation brought on my a feeling of guiltiness from the pastor. Don't get me wrong, I love him and his family to death.

 

Needless to say, I realize now how I was slowly loosing my ability to think and make decision because it was somewhat of a 'hyperfaith' church. I was looking my ability to keep up with my finances, etc. I would lay down and sleep most of the time because I realize now that I was depressed, like I always had to be in this state of sadness to be pleasing to the Lord. In 1999, in the midst of frustration and depression because I hated a job that I was at, and I wanted a wife, but had none an old friend invited me to his church and I went (it is a oneness church, apostolic/united pentecostal). They invited me to a Bible Study, and I went thinking that I could successfully when a debate over who was right and who was wrong in what the Bible taught. I lost that debate for some reason, because of some 'fleeces' i put before the Lord that I believed told me that the Oneness church was the one true church. It gave me a nervous breakdown because it meant that if the Oneness church was right, that my previous 6 years and all the people and called brother and sister that I knew at the other church where not saved and on there way to a devil's hell. That confused me all the more, and sent me in a spiraling depression and mental pain. So i continued to go to the Oneness church, being rebaptized and trying to get the Holy Ghost, I did this for about a month. I still feel it was a weird church. I had to leave the Oneness church because of the 'phariseeism', but something kept nagging me that the Oneness church was right, and I knew what the Bible said about the 'self-righteous', and it was all over in the Oneness church. I had to quit going there to keep my sanity, though I almost lost it!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

July 20, 2005

 

I am glad that there are others who have experienced what I have.  God (of the Bible) is an impossible task master.  I literally was losing my mind because I felt God wanted me to work in a job I deplored.  It was employed at a shipyard with hazardous conditions and a very poor work environment.  I was literally killing myself for Christianity.

 

I took everything Jesus said literally including giving up one's life and following and that is what I was trying to do.  My philosophy was "If I like it, then God hates it."  I didn't matter what it was.  God knew I hated working in those conditions so that is where he wanted me.  It was to "condition" me to become stronger.  I quit one day having enough of the drudgery.  Feeling guilty about it, I went back to the shipyard to ask my for my job back, but of course they didn't give it to me.  My parents could see what was happening to me but they supported me none-the-less.  I could tell that my mother's heart was breaking inside but I could nothing but to follow God (of the Bible) the best way I knew how.  I wanted to die and be done with everything. 

 

My thought processes were destroyed in the Full Gospel church I attended.  Depression and despair were my constant companions.  Necessity forced me out of that way of life.  Either I would continue with this and go insane or stop what I was doing and just go a different way.  Enjoying the simplicity of this life was not an option with the God that I served. 

 

The repercussions of what I went through as a Christian can still be seen today.  I will never be the same person I was before I joined all of the madness of religion.  I have sought counseling now and again but I have learned that all the counseling in the world will not help until I make a determination to change.  I cannot lie, it is very hard.  Just trying to manage the responsibilities of everyday life can be a task.  But I am confident that I will eventually get through all of this to become the better person that we all aspire to be.

   

 

I would appreciate any comments. If anyone would like to respond by email write to bguilbeau@netzero.net or history_educator@yahoo.com

 

Regards,

 

Red T. Snyper

[Loren]

Welcome, Red!

 

I agree, Biblegod is an impossible task master. The way Christian doctrine is set up, there is no way a person can ever be right with God other than through mindless obedience with the emphasis on mindless. The very fact that rigorous pursuit of Bible study is so often discouraged should be a huge red flag.

 

Damned clergy telling Christians to not study the Bible??? What the hell does that mean?

 

A great many of us here came to our apostacy by the direct route of dilligent Bible study.

 

You certainly can work out the crap that was inserted into you by the churches you attended, but you're right; it will take some time and effort on your part. But that's the main part of what this site is all about; helping people undo the damage, wherever possible.

 

Again, welcome, and enjoy the site, Red.

 

Loren

[LloydDobler]

The denomination is irrelevant, just the extent. The fundamental concept of hating yourself in order to love god is prevalent throughout all factions of christianity. Except for those big money 'name it and claim it' churches, which we all know are perverting the gospel anyway.

 

Welcome, undoing the damage has already begun.

[Ex-COG]

Wow, you got caught up in a church that was really an extreme fundamentalist cult! They sound like they stepped out of the dark ages. Welcome aboard the ex-gospel ship!

[Curtdude]

Welcome, Red. I hope you find some healing here.

 

[GiantBear]

Red Snyper,

 

 

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to the guilt feelings, struggling with doctrine and being caught in a strange crowd. It's good news that you have some distance with that situation now.

 

Peace,

 

GiantBear

[Guest Red Snyper]

Thanks everyone,

 

I had to avoid my friend's mother today when she came into the store where I worked. I hid in the backroom until she was gone. She is a oneness pentecostal of the rabid type complete with all the false niceties. Sometimes one just has to avoid people that will bring them down.

 

When leaving the church has anyone here ever felt like you may really be the backslider/demon-possessed because you got angry at their religiosity? I still do this sometimes. I think to myself that maybe I am going against God because I

would get angry and aggravated as a result me "persecuting" them for trying to share their faith with me. As if the "Holy Spirit" was not in me therefore creating a conflict in my inner self that said I needed to be "saved". In other words I am always at fault, I am the one to blame, my opinions and experiences are inferior.

 

Red Snyper

Louisiana

[Loren]

When leaving the church has anyone here ever felt like you may really be the backslider/demon-possessed because you got angry at their religiosity?

Of course. Many of us. That's part of the mind control programming that needs to be rooted out and healed. For some of us, it's not a major thing to deal with, for others, it's a mind virus that takes a fair amount of work (and time) to deprogram. These programs were inserted into us at a subrational level, which is why they are so hard to get rid of.

 

I suggest that you google for the term, "memes."

 

Also, you may want to check out the Ex-Christian Life forum here on our own site. Also, scattered throughout all of the fora here you'll find many examples of folks dealing with related things.

 

You definitely are not alone.

 

 

Loren

[Lunar Shadow]

Hey Red

 

I would just like to jump in here and say welcome I hope you will find the site helpful (I know I have) I have bee here less than 2 months but in that time I have grown by leaps and bound of my understanding of how fucked up xtianity really is it is rough at the start but you can overcome it and it is well worth it.

 

but yeah to sum it up welcome

 

--Jester

[Purple]

When leaving the church has anyone here ever felt like you may really be the backslider/demon-possessed because you got angry at their religiosity? I still do this sometimes. I think to myself that maybe I am going against God because I

would get angry and aggravated as a result me "persecuting" them for trying to share their faith with me. As if the "Holy Spirit" was not in me therefore creating a conflict in my inner self that said I needed to be "saved". In other words I am always at fault, I am the one to blame, my opinions and experiences are inferior.

 

 

Oh yeah Red, I do not as much anymore, but sometimes I still get that feeling. For me it is not always the absense of the holy spirit, but I get that fear that the holy spirit is nudgeing me, and I am ignoring him. phew It can be scary especially if you ahve people in your life that will confirm those fears. They are jsut fears though, thats all. Like the monster in the closet. What can you say abotu a faith or phiolsaphy, or worse " a relationship" that is based on fear? Welcome Red, I'm kinda a newbie here myself.

[Lanakila]

Welcome Red. Extreme fundamentalism is hard to escape from. I was a fundy Baptist and although our doctrine was different, I can relate to the hiding from members of your former church ect.

[spamandham]

Welcome aboard Red!

 

From your ex-imony, it seems you were not a cradle Christian, so you have that much going for you in helping you get past all this (if that's the case). Of course 10+ years of hardcore brainwashing is going to take some time to get over. I wish you well on that journey.

[Guest Red Snyper]

I was never a cradle Christian but I was a cradle Catholic. My brothers and I did the whole altar boy and youth council thing. We were taken to mass every Sunday by our grandparents. I am not totally bitter about that as it helped me form a sense of morality and self-respect at an early age that I might not have found otherwise. There are a lot of things about the Catholic church that are just plain crazy like holy water, transubstantiation and the like. I even have a friend from my youth, his parents are catholic to the core, who decided to go for the vocation of a priest. When I heard that all I could think of was how sad that is as he will never experience the joy of having a wife and children unless he abandons it. Not having children is inconceivable to me. Parenthood is a very high calling.

 

Getting past all of the religious indoctrination is very difficult (an understatement). Your up and happy one minute and very confused the next. Basically, one has to find themselves again. But I pity the people who were born into hard-core fundamentalist protestant christianity. If they choose to leave their whole essence of who they are is being ripped up and they have the lonely task of finding out who they really are and what they want out of life apart from the religion they were involved in. In my case, I have to struggle to find my identity plus face the fact that what I am doing maybe upsetting to my parents and grandparents. To them Catholicism is all they have known so in essence my exodus is an attack on everything they have grown up to believe. Nevertheless I had to get out of all religion, protestant and Catholic, to preserve my sanity and happiness. After all, we only have one chance of happiness because we only have one life to live. It would be ashamed to miss out on that one chance in hope of something (like Heaven) that might not even exist. What a waste and a dissappointment that would be.

 

During my years as a born-again Christian it seemed that my life was on hold. Always waiting on God to act or to do something on my behalf. I found myself waiting and waiting and nothing happening. One must get out their and make their life work. It is a very hard thing to do but when we are trapped in a corner we will come out fighting. I have discovered that I have done this on my way out of religion in general. I determined that no matter what agony, mental or otherwise, I went through that it will be worth it in the end. I will come out on the otherside a better man, wiser and seasoned. Nothing will stop me on my way to peace, freedom and happiness. I hope others will take that same attitude and not give up because life is worth living after all, despite what other people would like us to believe or want us to live. We have a fundamental right to our own happiness without the guilt-trips of others, intentional or otherwise.

 

Right now, while I am still in transition from religion to finding my own happiness, I am dealing with my overbearing hot-headed father. He alone can drive someone bonkers if they let him. So ontop of me sorting out my feelings about religion and dealing with my dad is very very difficult. It is like carrying a safe on your back and people are filling the safe with bricks just to make it harder. But I know, and this is the only way to look at my situation, that it will make me a better person on the other side, full of wisdom and experience.

 

RS

[Guest Venus]

I have been lurking for some time now, and I plan to write my testimony soon. But I just had to say that what you wrote below prompted me to write my first post. I can so relate to what you're saying, especially the bold portion -- this was a very painful realization for me after many years of letting my life pass by as I "waited on the Lord." I am struggling with the anger, confusion, and despair.

 

Thanks for sharing. All the best to you.

 

Getting past all of the religious indoctrination is very difficult (an understatement).  Your up and happy one minute and very confused the next.  Basically, one has to find themselves again.  But I pity the people who were born into hard-core fundamentalist protestant christianity.  If they choose to leave their whole essence of who they are is being ripped up and they have the lonely task of finding out who they really are and what they want out of life apart from the religion they were involved in.  In my case, I have to struggle to find my identity plus face the fact that what I am doing maybe upsetting to my parents and grandparents.  To them Catholicism is all they have known so in essence my exodus is an attack on everything they have grown up to believe.  Nevertheless I had to get out of all religion, protestant and Catholic, to preserve my sanity and happiness.  After all, we only have one chance of happiness because we only have one life to live.  It would be ashamed to miss out on that one chance in hope of something (like Heaven) that might not even exist.  What a waste and a dissappointment that would be. 

 

During my years as a born-again Christian it seemed that my life was on hold.  Always waiting on God to act or to do something on my behalf.  I found myself waiting and waiting and nothing happening.  One must get out their and make their life work.  It is a very hard thing to do but when we are trapped in a corner we will come out fighting.  I have discovered that I have done this on my way out of religion in general.  I determined that no matter what agony, mental or otherwise, I went through that it will be worth it in the end.  I will come out on the otherside a better man, wiser and seasoned.  Nothing will stop me on my way to peace, freedom and happiness.  I hope others will take that same attitude and not give up because life is worth living after all, despite what other people would like us to believe or want us to live.  We have a fundamental right to our own happiness without the guilt-trips of others, intentional or otherwise. 

 

Right now, while I am still in transition from religion to finding my own happiness, I am dealing with my overbearing hot-headed father.  He alone can drive someone bonkers if they let him.  So ontop of me sorting out my feelings about religion and dealing with my dad is very very difficult.  It is like carrying a safe on your back and people are filling the safe with bricks just to make it harder.  But I know, and this is the only way to look at my situation, that it will make me a better person on the other side, full of wisdom and experience.

 

RS

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[spamandham]

Welcome to ex-c Venus!

 

It's painfull, but the anger, confusion, and despair you are experiencing are part of the process of setting yourself free, and will subside over time.

 

Many of us here are still dealing with these issues to some degree, even years after the first day of apostasy, but it does diminish with time.

[Guest Venus]

Thanks spamandham!

 

Welcome to ex-c Venus!

 

It's painfull, but the anger, confusion, and despair you are experiencing are part of the process of setting yourself free, and will subside over time. 

 

Many of us here are still dealing with these issues to some degree, even years after the first day of apostasy, but it does diminish with time.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Guest Red Snyper]

Venus,

 

I am glad my posts help and inspire you. Welcome to the boards. Even after six years of leaving church behind I still have alot of issues that may be with me for the rest of my life, who knows? But as we grow older we learn to deal with these issues and it is somewhat comforting to know that others have been through the same mind rape.

 

When I look back on my life before I joined the full gospel church, during the time when I was just starting college, I feel ashamed of myself and the way I used to act. I was a class clown needing the attention since that was the only way I knew how to get the girls to notice me. I was successful in a way but never dated as I had absolutely no confidence in myself added to the fact that I was much smaller than everyone in highschool. In plainer language I just didn't feel as if I was handsome or anything. I still battle with low self-esteem today and church did not help at all. You'll feel even worse about yourself.

 

I remember during the height of my involvement in the full gospel church (it was a small independent country church who didn't believe in celebrating Christmas or Easter) around 1996 or so that I would leave services more beat up than encouraged. Church membership never rose above 50 while I was there so there were not many girls I could find. Even at other more liberal churches I visited during that time I couldn't find a date because I was fed a bitter pablum of rules and regulations at the full gospel church. There were no other girls who did not celebrate the holidays. My lifestyle was so rigid I would never compromise or bend to get along even with other christians. Other members of the church felt as I did because some of them would celebrate the holidays behind the pastor's back. I think he knew it too but just didn't say anything not to cause trouble at church. His teachings, I have to say, were all biblically based but none of them exhorted us to be happier. It was always discouraging as we were never "giving up for God" enough.

 

Do not let me get started on how the pastor felt about higher education! Though nothing was directly said I could tell that the elders of this church establishment did not agree with a college education. With that in mind I never pursued what I wanted to and get a liberal education from an accredited university. I had dropped out of college when I "found the Lord" because brainwashing will do that to someone. I thought I was now on a better road that had an 'everlasting' purpose. College was only for the here and now but Christianity was for eternity. First coming to born-again Christianity was like living on another plane of existence where you start loving everything and everybody. Honestly, really felt good for the first six months.

 

There was a six month period of intense doubt about Christianity and the very existence of God. Everything made me question. It was a deep philosophical time for me. But as I am sure everyone here knows I took my questioning as an attack from satan that he was flooding my mind with doubts. Like when the "seed fell on the stony ground" from one of Jesus' parables. I did not want that to happen to me. Eventually I came through that very confusing period of my life still a believer with more resolve than ever before. All I wanted to become was a gospel preacher. A legitimate secular job came secondary.

 

Looking back, I know I had delusions of granduer concering Christianity. The only thing I wanted to do was to save the world for Christ. I seriously considered going to a bible college but it was still considered higher education to the men of the church so that discouraged me. Most colleges required a written approval from the pastor before enrolling and I knew that I would not have gone with my pastor's blessings. If I couldn't get his complete approval then there was no sense of me going. That plan was scrapped. Sitting under the teachings of our "listen and follow everything he says" pastor was to be my spiritual education and preparation for the ministry. I was so convinced that he was a true man of god. I felt our relationship was like Paul and Timothy from the New Testament. A few years of this and I was morphing into him trying to imitate him in everything. What the hell was happening to me!?

 

I was a shadow of the pastor - even beginning to dress like him and taking upon myself his mannerisms. Not only did I imitate him as a person but also in work as well. He was a carpenter so I wanted manual labor jobs as well. I worked at a shipyard once for a few months, I quit because I couldn't take the misery any longer. I hated jobs like that and wasn't used to working in those kind of conditions but I felt God wanted me there a no where else. After quitting I went ask for my old job back because God wanted me there. I didn't get it back, thank God! There is so much more I could write.

 

Would you consider this the finest example of brainwashing known to man?

 

RS

[highvoltage]

Thank you for sharing your testimony RS, and welcome to ExC!

 

Getting past all of the religious indoctrination is very difficult (an understatement).  Your up and happy one minute and very confused the next.  Basically, one has to find themselves again.  But I pity the people who were born into hard-core fundamentalist protestant christianity.  If they choose to leave their whole essence of who they are is being ripped up and they have the lonely task of finding out who they really are and what they want out of life apart from the religion they were involved in.  In my case, I have to struggle to find my identity plus face the fact that what I am doing maybe upsetting to my parents and grandparents.  To them Catholicism is all they have known so in essence my exodus is an attack on everything they have grown up to believe.  Nevertheless I had to get out of all religion, protestant and Catholic, to preserve my sanity and happiness.  After all, we only have one chance of happiness because we only have one life to live.  It would be ashamed to miss out on that one chance in hope of something (like Heaven) that might not even exist.  What a waste and a dissappointment that would be. 

 

RS

 

I could not agree more.

 

I still have not told any of my family about leaving religion. I have told some friends, but it tears me up when I think about telling my folks, and how they will feel. Xtianity is everything to them (indeed, it used to be to me).

 

I'm a pretty recent de-convert myself, and I know how the emotional pain can be great at times after losing faith in faith. I've been able to find a great deal of comfort from many others here on this site; you're in good company here.

 

And again, welcome

[texmex2003]

Welcome Red,

 

Like you, I am very familar with the type of church you attended. The small, country, let I say "hickville" fundamental cult group. I understand the anger, self-doubt and depression you have experienced and are still dealing with. I grew up in this mindset, my grandfather was the minister of the group and my father was the associate minister. It was all I knew from diapers until the age of 17. Education was frowned upon, evenmore so if you happened to born female. My only purpose in life was to care for my husband and bear him children. As a woman, you had absolutely no rights, all because of EVE. All I ever learned was fear and hate. Fear god because he would strike you dead for the smallest little mistake and send you to an eterneal tormenting fire where you would beg for a drop of water. Hate the niggers, hat the fags, hate the wetbacks, hate the members of the other church, hate this family member because she was "living in sin", etc. I am now approaching 40 and have been away for awhile but it still screws with me. It took me quite some time to finally realize that the god of bible could not exist. All the absolute shit, that has been done in "His Name" and this all-knowing, all-loving, all-whatever enity does nothing stop it, Proves him to be a lie. It will be a journey of hills and valleys, but the journey is worth it for the freedom it will give.

[spamandham]

Welcome Red,

 

 

...and welcome texmex!

[kevin]

Hi RS

You have nothing to hide, and nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high,

and tell your friends if they believe in god, then it's all his fault you feel this way. You have done nothing wrong. Don't be influenced by their stuckness.

They secretly wish they they had the balls to do what you have done.

Welcome!

Kevin: