I Really Don't Believe Anymore

[Sky Dancer]

I'm pretty much at the end of my deconversion process. Some of you have probably followed my posts, so I won't rehash what I've been through since I've been here at ExC for a few weeks. I have realized that I haven't really believed for months, but I have been in denial and have been doing everything to avoid facing reality. I'm no longer in denial. I no longer beleive in Jesus Christ or the bible. There, I've said it. I'm no longer a Christian!

 

So why can't I let go? Why can't I stop making myself want to believe. Tonight, I traveled an hour to go to the charasmatic church I used to attend, mentioned in my previous posts. I figured if there's one place I'm going to encounter God, this will be it. I always had my most powerful and intimate experiences with God there. What did I feel tonight? Nothing. Nada. Zip. I got a little excited with the music, but nothing beyond that. In fact a few minutes into it I was bored out of my mind. I'm looking at the 600 or so people around me, all happy, smiles on their faces, hands clapping or raised in the air, some jumping up and down in the rows. I'm thinking I used to be one of those religious nuts. I actually began to see things differently. These aren't people who are experiencing something supernatural. The band really isn't annointed from God. They're just very talented and practice several hours a week. The worshippers are just drawn into the atmosphere created by the lighting and music. But I stop and ask myself: How can I be the only one in all of these people who is seeing the truth and all of these people are deceived? Isn't there something wrong with me that I can't get into it and they are experiencing their God with great passion? I'f I'm the only one not experiencing this, isn't there somthing wrong with me?? Maybe I'm being decieved by evil spirits or satan himself. This is how I felt as I left tonight. I was also angry. Angry that I can't make myself beleive. Angry that I'm walking away from something I've belived my whole life, and yet knowing there's no going back. To make things worse, I got angry at the message tonight. It made me feel guilty. The guy was preaching about King Josiah and how at the age of 8 he was a godly man and lead Israel back to God. The guy was saying God is calling real men and women to step up and take a stand for God, to restore God's standards to this nation, to be a light and give people hope. He said that people are longing to see something real and authentic in Christians. God wants us to step up and be authentic. I left feeling angry and guilty. I don't know why.

 

In fact, for the past few days, I have been overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt that I've walked away from everything I believe in, guilt that maybe it's me who's made the mistake and turned my back on Christianity. Guilt that I can't believe anymore. Wondering if I'm really right and they're really wrong, and if I made the right decision. I'm overwhelmed with this guilt. In fact, I feel numb. I don't feel like myself. I feel empty inside, as if there is nothing there. It's like I've died and I don't know who I am anymore or how to find myself. Aside from guilt and anger I can't feel anything. Just numbness. Is this really all there is to life? I don't know how to deal with that reality. For 25 years I've belived in God. In less than a month I have lost my belief. It wasn't a choice. I simply couldn't make myself believe. Now I feel lost. How do I pick up the pieces and start over? I thought I had found freedom but now it feels like I have a very long road ahead.

 

Edit: Oh yeah, something the worship leader said tonight...if you miss out on a chance to worship, you become a lesser man or woman...about made my blood boil over

[Celsus]

De-conversion is a process, more drawn out and/or painful for some than for others. For a person who was a long time believer, was seriously committed or involved in church, or that comes from a very religious upbringing, it is my experience that the process is more painful and drawn out. In my experience, this process pretty much follows the general process that one goes through after a serious loss in life, be it a death of someone close or a life changing event like cancer, termed the process of grieving . This is to be expected, because in a very real way, there has been a death. Consider that as believers, we were living in a make believe world, where invisible, magical beings were our friends, could intervene during difficult times and there was always some purpose behind anything that happened (God's will).

 

Here is a link to a pretty good description of the grief process, http://www.uiowa.edu/~ucs/griefloss.html.

 

If you notice, almost all the reactions you listed are listed here and for pretty much the same reasons. In my experience, each Ex-Christian goes through this process in relation to the de-conversion process. Unfortunately, as I found in my life, even after I had abandoned my belief in magical sky beings, religion and Christianity in particular, still dominated my life. I would hazard a guess that it is still dominating yours as well. Once you get past most of the grieving process, past the hurt, the anger, the blaming, the guilt etc., you will still need to "find yourself". This can be any number of things, from finding a new focus in your life, to new friends, developing a coherent philosophical framework for your life and various combinations of things.

 

In short, look at it this way. You have left a fictional world view, one which offered neat, concrete answers for life's questions. Even though most of those answers were baloney, they did provide an emotional support. What I had to realize was that along with the baloney, Christianity did have some good things to offer. I came to realize that I could accept some of the good things (Golden Rule, care for the less fortunate, etc.) and leave the rest behind.

 

What you are feeling is not unique, nor are you alone. Dave created Ex-Christian.net for this exact reason. All of us here are on the same journey that you are on. Some of us are farther along the road that you have just entered upon.

[Spiderwire]

I actually began to see things differently. These aren't people who are experiencing something supernatural. The band really isn't annointed from God. They're just very talented and practice several hours a week. The worshippers are just drawn into the atmosphere created by the lighting and music.

 

You're correct. The church would have you believe the music is something sacred and holy, but it's just music. Just like on your car radio or your CDs. A good band can get people out on the dance floor and provide an environment for people to have fun - but only if the people there want to dance and have fun. Even a mediocre band can do that! A church band is the same. You're correct in your observation about the music and the lighting and the atmosphere.

 

To make things worse, I got angry at the message tonight. It made me feel guilty. The guy was preaching about King Josiah and how at the age of 8 he was a godly man and lead Israel back to God. The guy was saying God is calling real men and women to step up and take a stand for God, to restore God's standards to this nation, to be a light and give people hope. He said that people are longing to see something real and authentic in Christians. God wants us to step up and be authentic. I left feeling angry and guilty. I don't know why.

 

Yes, I know this particular feeling. One of the reasons why I wanted to stop going to church so bad was because the message always turned to the same theme: YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH FOR GOD. After all he's done for you! Just look at you... lazy Christian! Well, the fact of the matter is that for ten years of my life I was at the church every time the doors were open and most of the time, I was early because I was making preparations or getting "prayed up". I went on the mission trips and volunteered for youth events and helped with VBS and took my shifts in the nursery and taught Sunday school and led Bible study and brought a dish to all the dinners and stayed to help clean up and invited my co-workers to church and faithfully handed over 10% of my paycheck and visited the sick and spent my vacation time being a camp counselor and mowed grass for the widow ladies and went to the car wash fund raisers and witnessed to my lost friends and prayed and cried with people who were hurting and attended the business meetings and sang the songs and raised my hands and read my Bible and... HOW DARE YOU RAM IT DOWN MY THROAT EVERY SINGLE WEEK THAT I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH FOR GOD?!?!? Well, I stopped feeling guilty about it and quit going to hear that shit and I feel much, much better. Maybe you've done all of the things I've done and much more. I don't know. But I don't think it matters because they'll always be quick to tell you that Jesus gave you his life and you'll never top that. Damn it. Now I'm angry. I'm angry because there was no payback for all I did. I'm angry that you feel like you do. I'm angry that it's going to happen again in churches all over the country tomorrow morning. I'm angry because the cycle will never, ever end.

 

Oh yeah, something the worship leader said tonight...if you miss out on a chance to worship, you become a lesser man or woman...about made my blood boil over

 

Don't worry too much about this one. I've heard crap like that in the past, too. Really, what the worship leader was saying was that he was feeling really "chosen" at that particular moment and he did something that made God really happy and if you didn't... well, you were beneath him (and the pastor and the staff and the shakers and movers in the church, of course). Why, the only people who'd miss out on his fantastic worship were those who weren't doing as much for the Lord as he was!!! BULLSHIT.

 

Hang in there. You'll be fine... take your time. You'll feel better and better as you distance yourself from religion. Good luck to you!

[Sky Dancer]

Still having a hard time convincing myself how I could be right and all of these sincere, good people (no sarcasm here, most of the people in this church really are good people) could be wrong and be deceived about the truth. I mean, I still feel like I'm missing out on what they experienced.

[Spiderwire]

You did miss out on what they experienced. It's called "delusion". Consider yourself lucky!

[Eponymic]

Still having a hard time convincing myself how I could be right and all of these sincere, good people (no sarcasm here, most of the people in this church really are good people) could be wrong and be deceived about the truth. I mean, I still feel like I'm missing out on what they experienced.

 

It's also called peer pressure, fear and comfort. People gravitate towards things that give them security and avoid pain about all things (usually). And when a mass group, like Christianity gets ahold of you, it offers security, comfort, and all the illusions of tranquility. But underneath they use fear, pain, and coherse you to keep believing. The fact is that most Christian don't wholy believe in Christianity, they just feign belief and vehemently deny the truth because reality is either too painful, or too scary.

 

Which...is what you're experiencing now. The fear of being separated from the fold. The fear of the unknown. The fear of...take your pick.

 

Just keep learning and keep people like us around to give you true support (without reservations or demands).

 

Cheers!

[Spiderwire]

I agree with Eponymic - keep learning. Knowledge is the key. The more you learn of life outside of that church, the more you'll see the security it offered as being false.

 

When I was a Christian, I felt like I knew the answers to life's big problems and questions. When I first began to lose faith, suddenly that was in doubt and I searched diligently for the answers that religion was no longer providing. I demanded the answers. I wanted to know specific things about the Bible and about God. I read, I prayed, I cried out... I sought the Lord with an earnestness and a desperation that I'd never known before. I got nothing. In the darkest time of my life, God was silent. The Bible was useless. The church was lethargic and apathetic. I was told, "Be quiet! Get back in line! Don't you know who you're messing with?"

 

I've learned a lot since then and the disappointment was the biggest obstacle to overcome. Here was a kicker for me - I learned that not knowing was okay. For some, it might not be. But I don't need to know all the answers. The cosmos doesn't need to open for me. I'm cool with that now. It took two years for me to realize that, but I learn what I can and I experience what I can and I sincerely do my very best to be what I think a human being on planet Earth should be and I don't need to know all the answers. But I'm me and I'm happy with that.

[Amethyst]

It's the cultural expectation that one MUST be Christian, or at least believe in something, in order to fit in. I definitely agree with gaining knowledge. Read as much as you can get your hands on. It helps.

[Sky Dancer]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

[Celsus]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

 

You will probably find that this story is without definitive provenance. These kinds of stories are not just common with Christianity, but with other religions as well. Usually these stories are passed around, urban legend or deliberately fabricated for a purpose....the suck the gullible in. Without, independent, third party verification of each and every aspect of the claim, it would be irresponsible to extend belief in the claim.

[Sky Dancer]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

 

You will probably find that this story is without definitive provenance. These kinds of stories are not just common with Christianity, but with other religions as well. Usually these stories are passed around, urban legend or deliberately fabricated for a purpose....the suck the gullible in. Without, independent, third party verification of each and every aspect of the claim, it would be irresponsible to extend belief in the claim.

 

Even if it happened in your own church and you knew the parents/baby involved?

[Spiderwire]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

First off, if God will fix his ear bones and leave him a cripple... I'm not impressed. How 'bout the whole enchilada, Lord? Better yet, swing it to the kid's favor right off the bat and let him be born normal and healthy.

 

 

 

[Edited due to your most recent post.]

[decafaholic]

I know we just got off the phone, but I thought I'd reply anyway

I'm really glad you found this community because everyone here knows what you're going through. We met after I had been out of Xianity for over a year and told my family, so you didn't know me back when I was going through the worst of it. Hardly anyone knew really. Most of my grief was private except for a Christian friend I talked to on the phone about it and my counselor. It was a dark time. Lots of trouble sleeping. I rememebr telling my counselor, through my tears, that I felt like everything I thought was true got turned upside down and I didn't know what to believe anymore. I felt like I was losing everything.

 

I was desperately trying to hold on to my faith because life without God just seemed so scary and aweful. I wanted someone to pray to, I wanted a church family, I wanted my Christian purpose in life, I wanted to feel the presence of God, I wanted to be sure of life after death, I wanted to be assured that I would see my dead friends and family again someday. I think that's a big part of the reason I came back to the faith ( or maybe just lived in denial?) after questioning the first time because I was not ready to handle life as an exChristian. It was too much too soon.

 

After six months I was emotionally ready to resign my faith. This time it wasn't such a huge deal because, like another poster said, I had gained a lot of knowledge that helped put my mind at ease. Learning about evolution, sociology and reading books from a more objective point of view calmed my nerves quite a bit. That's really what helped calm my nerves the most is taking a good look at what we know and what we don't know about this book called The Bible, re-reading some Lee Strobel stuff and going "Wow, these arguments are bad."

 

Deconversion has its ups and downs. During the downs, what helped me was periodically distracting myself by workng with kids (because they take up ALL your attention! You don't have time to think about yourself when you're trying to get a child with ADHD to stop climbing the walls and start his reading homework!), take on an interesting project (writing a book helped me), watch dumb funny movies and posting on ExC.

 

About the alleged healings, I remind myself that just because something can't be explained doesn't automatically mean "God did it." People used to think that gods caused the sun to appear and disappear. Now we know that the earth spins.

 

For now we don't know why a small number of people claim spontaneous healing from diseases or conditions, but I think someday with more scientific research, we will know.

[decafaholic]

quote]

 

Better yet, swing it to the kid's favor right off the bat and let him be born normal and healthy.

 

 

[Edited due to your most recent post.]

 

good point. a god who cripples children and then heals them (or not) isn't as impressive as a god who can create a child without complications.

[Sky Dancer]

Playing the devil's advocate here...isnt the point of a healing miracle to glorify God and make himself known to others? If that's the case, healings like this could be explained in God's plan.

[Eponymic]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

The fact is it has nothing to do with the spiritual/religious aspect. It has been scientifically shown that people can heal themselves, respond to the energy fields of others and be helped by the thoughts/prayers of others. But it's all about energy, not religion.

[Sky Dancer]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

The fact is it has nothing to do with the spiritual/religious aspect. It has been scientifically shown that people can heal themselves, respond to the energy fields of others and be helped by the thoughts/prayers of others. But it's all about energy, not religion.

 

Can you provide sources to support these claims?

[Spiderwire]

The baby thing... I don't know. I think it's certainly better that the child is responding to sound than to have nothing. However that happened, it's a wonderful thing. But if God did heal that baby, it actually creates more questions for me. What did his parents or that church or whomever do correctly in order to have God work his magic? Infants die in scores all across the globe every single day. Horrible birth defects happen everywhere. Why did God pay attention to this baby and ignore so many who are even worse? Don't get me wrong... I'm happy for the baby and his parents, but if God can do ANYTHING, well, all he has to do is snap his fingers or wiggle his nose or something and this planet would be free of any babies that are sick or hungry or abused or whatever.

 

You're on the right track, Sky Dancer. Keep asking questions - ask them of the religious and the non-religious family. Ask everyone. I'm hoping you find as many answers as you have questions. Feel free to disbelieve. Don't feel out of place because you're skeptical.

[Neon Genesis]

Playing the devil's advocate here...isnt the point of a healing miracle to glorify God and make himself known to others? If that's the case, healings like this could be explained in God's plan.

So, god allows people to suffer so he can turn around and heal them in order to give himself a massive ego stroke when god's the one who allowed the baby to suffer in the first place? Doesn't that just make this god self-centered and egotistical? If god "heals" people as part of his "plan", why can't Christians ever figure out what god's plan is? Why are there so many pointless denominations that claim to know what "god's plan" is yet they all say completely different things about what "god's plan" is? If god is doing these "healings" as part of his plan, why doesn't he make his plan clearer so we would all know what the "truth" is and wouldn't have to go through 1000+ denominations to find it? Even if we presume this is a healing, how do you know that it's the Christian god that's responsible for it? What if Allah was the one who healed the baby or if it was Vishnu? What if it was Satan who was behind the healing to tempt us into being in the wrong religion? And if the Christian god was responsible, why did he save this one baby but he murdered all the first born babies during the seventh plague in the book of Exodus? What about all the babies that the Christian god slaughtered during the flooding in the Noah's Ark story? Why does god save this one baby but slaughtered countless other babies throughout the bible?

[Guest singerc1]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

The fact is it has nothing to do with the spiritual/religious aspect. It has been scientifically shown that people can heal themselves, respond to the energy fields of others and be helped by the thoughts/prayers of others. But it's all about energy, not religion.

 

Can you provide sources to support these claims?

 

 

It's called the placebo effect.

 

People in every religion have miraculous healing stories and claim the healing was from their God. Stories like yours aren't special to christianity only.

[Sky Dancer]

So how do you explain in infact, born without ear bones, seen by miltiple specialists and told he will never walk again, who gets prayed over during a church service and begins to respond to sound, goes the doctor and the doctor says that the bones are in place? Explain that one.

 

The fact is it has nothing to do with the spiritual/religious aspect. It has been scientifically shown that people can heal themselves, respond to the energy fields of others and be helped by the thoughts/prayers of others. But it's all about energy, not religion.

 

Can you provide sources to support these claims?

 

 

It's called the placebo effect.

 

People in every religion have miraculous healing stories and claim the healing was from their God. Stories like yours aren't special to christianity only.

 

I'm referring to his claim that science has shown that energy fields can cause people to heal. If science has shown it, that means there are experiments and liaterature to back it up. So I want to see the science. I'm a biolgy major.

[decafaholic]

In relation to the whole healing by energy conversation; could we be talking about the law of attraction? The Secret?

I'm not sure I buy into it because it reminds me so much of my "name it claim it" upbringing, but the claim behind the law of attraction is that if you believe that you are healed and think positive thoughts and act and speak as if you are healed, then you will be.

 

Like I said, I don't know if I buy into it, but the law of attraction might be a way to explain healings without the God factor.

[Sky Dancer]

In relation to the whole healing by energy conversation; could we be talking about the law of attraction? The Secret?

I'm not sure I buy into it because it reminds me so much of my "name it claim it" upbringing, but the claim behind the law of attraction is that if you believe that you are healed and think positive thoughts and act and speak as if you are healed, then you will be.

 

Like I said, I don't know if I buy into it, but the law of attraction might be a way to explain healings without the God factor.

 

Funny, even as a Christian I never believed the "name it claim it" movement. I always thought it was ludicrious.

[.god]

energy field healing? yah.. show me some support

 

as for the miracle baby, here's some things for you to consider.

how exactly did the doctors determine that the baby was born without ear bones? I'm assuming these are the 3 tiny bones (known as the hammer, anvil and stirrup) located in the middle ear that transmit sound from the eardrum.

 

Did they xray the newborn? MRI? Was the baby able to stay still long enough for the doctors to obtain an x-ray? Nevermind an MRI, which you have to stay still for 5 minutes at a time while the machine clicks like a jackhammer around you. I wasn't able to stay still enough for a 30 second back xray on my first try. If yo move, the xray becomes a blurred smear. Did they try to determine something from a blurred xray? In young babies, many of the bones are still soft and cartilage-like, do those show up on xrays?

 

Or did they open him/her up and check to see if the actual bones are there?

Is the inability to ever walk due to the missing middle ear bones? Is that tied to the condition of the baby's inner ear where crucial bodily functions such as balance are taken care of. Did the doctors diagnose missing ear bones due to the fact that the baby seemed to have trouble balancing and thus would probably never walk? Ear problems can cause severe balance problems, and you don't even have to be missing any parts.

 

Is this one ear or both ears?

Now how did they figure that the ear bones are back? More xrays and MRI's?

How old is that baby? Were these doctors knowledgeable about babies, or specialists familiar with newborns and human development? If the subject was a fully matured and grown adult and is one thing, but babies are developing and in a state of "flux" if you will. For example it is well known and the skulls of new babes will be soft for a while as the bones slowly harden to form the final skull shape.

 

Say a doctor is unfamiliar with a condition called the "undescended testicle" in which one of the pair of the baby's testes has not yet descended from his abdomen. Thru visual and physical observation several doctors could determine that the baby seems to have been born with only 1 testicle. Yet, as the other testicle slow descends (this can take years sometimes), the second testicle might seem to suddenly miraculously appear! Would this be a miracle? Maybe not if some xrays had been conducted. But then how reliable is an xray on a struggling newborn? And how many parents might want to pay for that or for an expensive MRI (~$1500). Short of opening someone up, how reliable can a single xray be without corroborating the hypothesis with other non-intrusive or intrusive procedures?

 

When the baby responded to sound, were you there? Was the baby responding to actual sound waves? Vibrations? The crazy look on the person praying over them? Was the person holding the baby unknowingly gripping too hard? Bouncing the baby up and down in anticipation?

Did the baby respond by crying? laughing? shouting out "Praise the lord, I can hear!" (now that might have been impressive).

Was the baby only deaf in one ear and not the other?

 

I mean, being prayed over. How can you even determine that the baby could suddenly hear. Really, only the parents could determine if their baby behaves any differently, and of course they would have a very, very strong emotional investment in the entire ordeal. Of course they want to believe their baby is healed.

 

Again with the doctors. Were these the same doctors? Did they do the same tests?

How did they isolate enough confounding factors to determine that "baby can't hear certain sounds or frequencies" = "missing ear bones"

 

 

Really, the story has become so generalized and vague that you imply one is supposed to believe the story just because you know and therefore I assume, trust the parents version of the events that transpired to be true. While they may or may not be embellishing on the tale, they most probably fully believe it to be true themselves. Yet, does that make it so?

 

The problem with these type of testimonies is that they are inextricably intertwined with trust issues. By not buying into a story may imply that you don't trust the other party is telling the full truth, or that that have been deceived by themselves or others. No one wants to think a good friend is delusional or that they might be less than truthful with you, and so you are almost forced to buy the story hook, line and sinker as it is told to you. And thus objective examination of the event falls by the wayside, a casualty of the social pressures or expectations of the church, organization or what-have-you. Also your hands are bound, as any in-depth questioning of the parents can be rude or offensive.

 

It's funny, you ask for evidence of energy healings so quickly.

What if I were to tell you that I've seen and experienced it with my own eyes. Not only was my own brother healed of what doctors told him was terminal cancer, but I've experienced it myself - my body heated up and I began to spontaneously sweat. My herniated disc in my spine was healed during this experience.

 

Okay, none of that really happened =) but even if it did, I would be asking myself how much of the experience was self-delusion, a desperation to believe and a desire for an easy fix. I would definitely go obtain another expensive MRI and experienced professional analysis of my condition. I would also do research then and find out that herniated discs are known to slowly heal themselves over time.

 

I guess the point of this long winded post really boils down to:

 

how much do you really and honestly know about what happened with the "miracle"? And have you truly and objectively examined the situation, including the limitations of your own perceptions in context of today's biology and psychology of the brain

[Guest lenbitme]

Sky Dancer, I think it is good to ask these questions and defend the story of the baby a little only so that others can open your eyes with their answers. However, don't fall into the trap of defending the faith simply because you have been conditioned to. You may have easy answers about the story in your mind which are in line with it being a miracle, but that's simply because you have been conditioned with these responses and answers. The harder answer to arrive to (that the family may be exaggerating, that there are missing parts of the story you haven't been told, that the doctors could have been wrong, that Christians are eager to turn ordinary things into "miracles", that the story could have been stretched and contorted, that we are limited in knowledge as human beings, that all religions have these "miracles" to speak of, and on and on) is the correct one, but I don't think you really want to hear that. It seems to me you're fighting for the faith rather than against, when pushing against it is what will help you break free. What these people seem to have that you don't think you have is really nothing. You are creating it all in your mind. You don't really know what goes on behind the scenes in their daily lives, in their thoughts, and you don't know the agenda of the leaders of the church. Christianity is -designed- to make you think that what you have as a non-Christian is lesser than what they have as Christians. It is -designed- to keep people in the fold with messages like the one you heard. It is -designed- to be manipulative and keep its people misinformed, and create a dream world that only exists in everyone's heads and emotions. You aren't missing out on ANYTHING. How can you be missing out on something that doesn't exist? It irks me a little when people going through the deconversion process want their faith back when they have so much knowledge at their fingertips. Even I have a thought like this from time to time, and I get a little frustrated with myself because I then realize that freedom is so much sweeter than being trapped in a Matrix world, and so why am I wanting something so destructive and deceitful? Anyway, I hope you realize just how little you have really, truly lost. And that you can't believe everyone and everything you hear, no matter how much you may -want- to.