Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Let Us Pray


Recommended Posts

Oh wrathful, vengeful God.


We pray for thy mercy on us, we lowly beings, we disgusting sinners who deserve not your attention, even though in your great wisdom you created us as rebellious worms with only evil on our hearts. We realise we are weak and that we need thee if we wish to avoid the consequences of our sin – the suffering of thy wrath. We thank thee that thou sent his son, thyself in human form, to act as a sacrifice to thyself so that thou wouldst no longer need to take out thy wrath upon us.


Yea, thou saveth us from eternal torture in hell and yea, we can have confidence in our salvation and thus be able to look down, with self-righteousness, on unbelievers. We can be satisfied in the knowledge that they are going to burn for all eternity in Hell for the abominable things they hath done. Lord even our own children who foolishly turn against thee will be writhing and gnashing their teeth as we sit comfortable in Heaven knowing that we did all we could to warn them of their folly.


Lord protect us from the evil unbelievers, whose goal is only to destroy and kill. Those unbelievers follow Satan and there is no good in any of them, even though they sometimes appear to have stronger morals than we.


Save those sinners from their transgressions. Make their deaf ears to hear and their blind eyes to see. Let them turn from their logic and their reality. Bring them into the delusion we share in thee, for that delusion is comfortable and secure. Make them realise, oh God that their inherited personalities and traits mean nothing and that all should see things the way we see them. Let them realise that the littlest things are proof of thy existence and that all those things we don’t understand can be attributed to thee, without further consideration.


We thank thee for thy word, the bible, a word so ambiguous and full of divine contradictions that we can declare our own truths at the same time claiming Holy Spirit understanding.


We thank thee that thou art generous and abundant in kindness. No matter how trivial the request, we know that thou wilst honour our prayers even though thou wilst not lift a finger for thy impoverished and dying children in other countries. We can hold confidence that all though we pray 100 times and only one of those times we get what we ask, we shall know thou art listening and that thou hast blessed us.


Lord we praise thee and give thee glory. We acknowledge thy mighty ego and recognise thy insatiable thirst for praise. It is a privilege for us to indulge thy insecurities.


We thank thee for thy blessings and we trust that by using old fashioned English in our prayers that thou wouldst see that we are more pious and holy than others and wilst more likely honour our prayers.






Add your own prayer to God.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know I can't, not even in jest. Even in the mode of mockery and sarcasm, it is too reminiscent of the real thing and it makes me ill.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lard and Slaver, I only ask for what best for Amurica:


1) Give Benny Hinn some uncurable disease, that we may watch him slap himself to the ground and heal himself. Glory!

2) Condemn, smite, plague, and otherwise fuck-up summer re-runs.

3) Show the Religious Right how stupid they are by putting an evangelical idiot in charge of our country and see how fucked things get........oh, you already did that.

4) Make all the slutty pop divas, Britney, Paris, etc., disappear so that this nation of idiots will think about real problems facing us.

5) SOS....Stamp out stupidity........... But then you'd have no followers......nevermind.

6) Plague all the car dealers who swear on your wholly babble that they're selling cars for less than they paid for 'em. They're either broke, stupid, or lying. Maybe all three.

7) Lastly, and likely hardest: Show up. Even a few minutes. An ancient cobbled-together book of unbelievable fairy tales ain't gettin' it anymore. Stop by for coffee and a Danish somewhere and you're a lot more likely to save some souls. That is your goal, right? Right?



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.