Breaking Up With God

[Jeff H]

This is one thing that I never, ever, ever thought I would be writing. I cannot even believe that I have contemplated writing it, let alone sat down and wrote two sentences. Even just a year ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me that I would be sitting here today, writing my testimony of my de-conversion from Christianity. My answer would be simple: "God has given us so much evidence that I would be a fool not to believe in Him." And now, I completely doubt that statement. The doubts have filled my mind for, oh, about eight-and-a-half months now, and it's time to accept them, and accept the truth. There is no God out there.

 

I grew up in a Christian home. My whole life, I have been completely immersed in Christianity. At the age of four or five, I gave my life to Christ (my sister led me in the whole "sinner's prayer" thing), and from then on, my life was headed in that direction. My parents attended a Pentecostal church religiously (okay okay, bad joke), and took my sister and me along with them. They were involved in kids' ministries for a while as well, and while I didn't exactly enjoy having my parents teach me, it was all good and well. When I was school-aged, my parents sent me to a private Christian school, where I spent my days learning about all the regular stuff, plus Bible stuff. I had friends from school, and played at their houses, and was in every way a normal child. Well, mostly normal, anyway. I loved to read, and readily devoured books until I reached the age where that just wasn't "cool" anymore. (I've since gotten back into it, and have read about ten books this summer...) I also loved to write - I was a sharp-witted kid with an active imagination, and my teachers at school recognized that and helped me develop my skills. In all, I hope I can modestly say that I was an intelligent boy. And, of course, my parents tried to praise me for it while reminding me that my intelligence was a gift from God. So, I grew up with a healthy self-esteem as well as a good dose of humility as well.

 

Of course, every teenager has their rebellious stage, and I was no different. When I got into Grades 7 and 8, I became less interested in school and more interested in being "cool," and my grades slipped as a result. When it came time to pick a high school, I wanted to go to the school all my other friends were going to, but my parents decided that they were going to put me in a private Christian high school. I hated them for it for quite some time, but eventually I grew to like the school, though it was very small (the "20 kids in all four grades" kind of small!). I made friends, and essentially became the "popular" kid in the school, if there really was one. As Grades 11 and 12 rolled around, I got my act together and matured, as most teenagers tend to do after a while, and I began to appreciate the small atmosphere that the school brought me. I could truthfully say that I knew everyone in my entire high school, and I was friends with at least most of them. It was in Grade 12 that I started to get "on fire" for God. I had become involved with playing bass (and later, guitar) at my youth group, and through that influence as well as the strong mentorship of the main teacher at the high school (he was the principal as well as teacher of about five of my classes each year), I became strong in my faith. I started delving into the Word of God with passion and fervour, and excitedly praised God at youth and at church each week. Life was good. I felt alive, and I felt free, and I felt the joy that the Bible talks about from knowing God's grace. I took a special interest in apologetics, and loved to read information about creation vs. evolution (of course, as given to me by sites like Answers in Genesis), as well as other issues.

 

Well, as the end of Grade 12 rolled around, I decided for various reasons that I might need some extra courses that my small school couldn't offer, in order to get into Psychology in university. So I took an extra year, going to the high school that I had wanted to go to in the first place (which I now viewed as so much inferior), and taking some extra courses. Although a bit of my enthusiasm for Christianity may have faded, I was still involved in my youth group (as well as another one) and spending time with my many Christian friends. But of course, we all must grow up, and so I went off to university to study psychology. By this time I was actively involved in debating against atheists and evolutionists as to why they were wrong, etc. (mostly on online forums). Once in university, I met several Christian friends and enjoyed their mutual support - although most of them were Catholic, which I didn't agree with. One friend in particular went to church with me every Sunday, and was a great help in keeping me on the "straight and narrow." That is, until the doubts hit.

 

This past December (2007), I had decided to go back onto some of the message boards that I used to argue on. I had not been on them for some time, as I had gotten busy with school, but I decided to go back and see where the conversations had headed. I quickly got actively involved again in debating, only this time, things were different. I threw an argument at them, and instead of hitting them and them having nothing to say, suddenly the arguments would fall flat on the floor. As I argued, what the atheists said started to make sense to me. They asked me questions I just didn't have answers for, until suddenly I realized that I had run out of arguments. I had used them all up, and they all had shattered to pieces. So the doubts crept in.

 

Now, I suspect that, partially, my doubts were due to depression that set in around that time. I am pretty sure that I have had depressive episodes before, although I have not had them diagnosed, but it seemed to fit the bill this time around as well. I started losing my appetite, losing sleep, and losing my temper - I got unnecessarily moody at my family and my friends. Christmas was torture for me, but I got through it. The next difficult thing, though, was the process of having to move to a city about six hours away from home. I am in the co-op program in my university, so every four months I go off to work somewhere. And I had gotten a job in a city far, far away. If my depression wasn't bad before, it certainly was there. I had never lived so far away from home, and my work, to start off, was very boring and dry. With all this, being away from friends and family, and plagued with doubts about God's very existence, I had a very hard time. I decided I had to figure out and deal with the problem, but being depressed left me physically exhausted - and nobody wants to do heavy thinking about philosophical issues - ones that go against all that they've been brought up to believe, no less - while they're drained and just want to go to sleep. So it was slow going. I started off with Google searches about evidence for the existence of God, but most of them were the ones I had always heard in school and even used in my debates. After some general poking around, I decided that my first course of action would be to tackle "the big one" - the theory of evolution. I decided to break this down even more - since evolution relies on massive time periods, I figured if I could prove that the earth was young, then I could disprove evolution, and if I disproved evolution, then that would be major points for the existence of God. So off I went.

 

This site (http://www.talkorigins.org/indexcc/list.html) is definitely what converted me to belief in an old earth, and later to evolution. It honestly has a listing of every creationist claim you could ever think of, and three or four reasons why they're all wrong. I used this extensively, cross-checking it with Answers in Genesis. I realized that, all this time, I had never really actually examined the issue from the side of an evolutionist. I had been told what creationists believed, and I had been told by creationists what evolutionists believed. But I had never been told by an evolutionist what made evolution so special. And in my search, I found this site, and it made all the difference. I read through every single one of those claims it lists, and read their answers. By about one-third of the way through the list, I had already been convinced, but I kept going anyway, just to be sure. I didn't want to give up easily, and I didn't want to ever be accused of not fully examining the evidence. Several months after my search began, I was now an evolutionist.

 

Once I figured that out, I had to decide whether that meant throwing my whole belief system out, or whether I could salvage some of it. I looked briefly at the day-age theory and the gap theory, both of which try to resolve the tension between some of the scientific evidence and the Bible. But soon I realized that that was the wrong way of looking at it. I had to just go for the whole "Does God exist?" question and answer that, and that would determine the rest.

 

I have already gone on for way too long, so I will just say that I started reading about the resurrection, the veracity of the Gospels, the existence of miracles and healings, etc. I realized that in all of these, my doubts remained, and indeed, my doubts grew as I read more about each one. I found out that our only first-hand accounts of Jesus' life come from four accounts that were originally anonymous, changed at least somewhat over time, followed a pattern of embellishment of the story, and were contradictory with each other. There are justifications for all of these issues, but at the very least, they leave room for doubt. And doubt was what I already had plenty of. So I shifted my focus in a different direction and started asking God - pleading with Him, really - for a sign of some kind that could get me out of all this ambiguity. I reasoned that a loving God would - and should - want to give His children a sign. Especially a Christian whose faith was faltering.

 

I asked God for a variety of signs, but there was one primary one. I asked God to have the pastor at church on Sunday say a specific word. What was the word, you ask? "Neck." Why that word? Well, I figured that it wasn't a common word like "Jesus" or "salvation" or something - I mean, it'd be more miraculous if those weren't said in a church service. But it also isn't an uncommon word like "meteorology" or "parliamentarian" or anything. There are expressions using the word, like "sticking your neck out" or "the Israelites were stiff-necked." Or I gave God the suggestion that perhaps He could give the pastor a sore neck and then get him to simply mention it off-hand. Well, I prayed this, and it didn't happen. So I prayed it the next week. No dice. The next week again - nothing. I kept this up for five weeks, and then due to certain circumstances, I missed my sixth week of church. The next week, I figured it out. I told God that this was the seventh week since I had first asked - even though it was the sixth time asking. In addition, the next week would be the seventh time asking. So I asked God to have the pastor say the word for the next two weeks - since, of course, God seems to like sevens. If He did that, and did it twice, then I would know it wasn't a coincidence.

 

Well, Sunday rolled around, and my goodness - the pastor mentioned the passage about tying a millstone around someone's neck. I couldn't believe it. The pastor actually said the word "neck," and I almost missed it too. It had just glossed by, and then about ten seconds later I realized what he had said. That got me really confused. By this time I was almost sure that God did not exist, and this was basically His last chance. And the pastor said it. God had pulled through! But of course, I had asked God to make him say it twice. All that week was brutal, as I agonizingly waited for the next Sunday to roll around. I desperately wanted to hear the pastor say the word, and to have all this over with. Sunday came, and I went to church in eager anticipation of hearing him say it. But he never did. There was no mention of it that entire day. And I went to bed that night in despair. Somehow I had known it wasn't going to be said, but I awaited in desperate hope anyways. God let me down. Well, no. My imaginary friend let me down.

 

So now it is Tuesday. I know I haven't given a very good summary of the reasons why I left the faith, but to me, this letdown and this refusal to give a clear sign is the biggest one. This evening, I gave God one last desperate prayer to ask for some evidence that He existed. Even as simple as a bird landing outside my window would have been fine. A vision or a dream would have been better. Anything. But nothing came. So, tonight I knelt down at my bedside and said goodbye. I told God that I couldn't keep living like this anymore, and that I had to move on. It was like breaking up with a partner, really. But how can you have a relationship with someone who gives no evidence that He even exists? It's like having a relationship with the tooth fairy. And that's something I can no longer do. So, I let God know that if He ever did decide to show Himself to me, that I welcomed it. He has an open invitation, and I desperately want Him to do it if He is willing. But I suspect He won't, because I suspect that He is not real. And that is that. I said goodbye to a dear friend today. It was hard, but necessary. It has been feeling, and still feels, like I have betrayed God, myself, and my parents. It goes against all that I have believed my whole life. It goes against all my parents have taught me. And it goes against all I have been brought up with at school and church. So it's definitely hard. I feel like Judas Iscariot, and that is not a feeling I would wish upon anyone. But in the interest of truth, I must push forward.

 

So, today is a turning point. I am not sure what comes next. I suppose I must figure out what I do believe, now that I've figured out what I don't believe. So that might take some time. It'll also take some time to settle. But I think the worst part is over, and hopefully the future will be a bit brighter, for a while anyway. I have a feeling, however, that down the road, I will look back at this point in time and see it as a turning point. Yes - today is the day I officially broke up with God.

[Legion]

Jeff H, welcome to ex-C.

 

I don’t want to clutter this space with a bunch words after that fantastic testimony. I just wanted to say that I get the sense that you have great integrity and sincerity. Thank you for posting that.

 

I hope that you will hang out with us for a while and get to know us and let us get to know you. Our experience is remarkably similar to your own. Anyway, again welcome.

[Andy]

Welcome! I enjoyed reading that. You've taken a big step in your life, one that is unfortunately lonely and uncertain for some people. Congrats.

[Trev]

hello Jeff, and wecome to ex-christian.net

 

As I often say, when you come to the end of god, you come to the start of yourself

[Jeff H]

Thank you for the encouragement, everyone. This whole thing is pretty new to me, and, heh, I almost started praying to God about how confused I felt. I guess I'm just so used to telling Him about all my problems...but I realized that it's kind of silly to talk to someone you don't believe exists, about how you don't believe they exist....

 

At any rate, I think will stick around here for a bit. I've kind of been lurking for a week or so, just seeing what the place is like, and what the people are like. But hopefully being around other ex-Christians will do me some good. I know I'm gonna need some help figuring out who exactly I am now and what kind of life is in store for me. Last night, after posting the stuff above, it really hit me how having no God just makes the entire universe seem....purposeless. I realized that asking "Why is life the way it is?" really has no meaning without some "power" to make it a certain way. The only purpose we have is what we give ourselves. Heh. Perhaps I'll read some Sartre or something, get myself into the existentialist mode But anyways...I'll stop rambling. Thanks again for the replies, and, well, here's to a better future!

[bush country]

How many of us have been at this point? I was a little over a year ago....

 

So now it is Tuesday. I know I haven't given a very good summary of the reasons why I left the faith, but to me, this letdown and this refusal to give a clear sign is the biggest one. This evening, I gave God one last desperate prayer to ask for some evidence that He existed. Even as simple as a bird landing outside my window would have been fine. A vision or a dream would have been better. Anything. But nothing came. So, tonight I knelt down at my bedside and said goodbye. I told God that I couldn't keep living like this anymore, and that I had to move on. It was like breaking up with a partner, really. But how can you have a relationship with someone who gives no evidence that He even exists? It's like having a relationship with the tooth fairy. And that's something I can no longer do. So, I let God know that if He ever did decide to show Himself to me, that I welcomed it. He has an open invitation, and I desperately want Him to do it if He is willing. But I suspect He won't, because I suspect that He is not real. And that is that. I said goodbye to a dear friend today. It was hard, but necessary. It has been feeling, and still feels, like I have betrayed God, myself, and my parents. It goes against all that I have believed my whole life. It goes against all my parents have taught me. And it goes against all I have been brought up with at school and church. So it's definitely hard. I feel like Judas Iscariot, and that is not a feeling I would wish upon anyone. But in the interest of truth, I must push forward.

 

So, today is a turning point. I am not sure what comes next. I suppose I must figure out what I do believe, now that I've figured out what I don't believe. So that might take some time. It'll also take some time to settle. But I think the worst part is over, and hopefully the future will be a bit brighter, for a while anyway. I have a feeling, however, that down the road, I will look back at this point in time and see it as a turning point. Yes - today is the day I officially broke up with God.

 

Welcome Jeff! Just give this new way of life some time to mature. It will get better as the days pass.

[Susanetal]

Hi Jeff,

 

Thank you for posting your story. I identify with a lot of what you said. I still occasionally find myself saying "Oh, Lord, what should I do?" before I remember that I don't believe in god anymore. During times of great sadness, I still struggle with the knowledge that there is no god to understand my pain and offer me comfort. But this website has offered me a lot of encouragement, and I'm really grateful for it.

 

I look forward to getting to know you.

 

All the best,

Susan

[chefranden]

Hi Jeff,

 

I had pretty much the same experience with getting God to show. I didn't say goodbye though, that was a nice touch.

 

It's been about 13 years for me, and God has never gotten in touch. I suggest that you don't hold your breath about it.

 

chef

[Pegaboo]

Hello Jeff,

 

A big Amen to your testimony. I beseeched God for weeks, begging for any kind of sign that he existed.

It's funny how he is supposed to love us more than our own parents but wouldn't bother to respond to a

simple prayer to reveal himself in some way to show that he exists and cares about those who follow him.

 

I figured after all the crying and moaning for a response from the big guy that either he didn't exist or he

didn't particulary like me. I also gave the situation one more night, after weeks of asking for a sign, nothing,

nada, zip. The next morning I woke up a free but slightly shaken person knowing that everything that I had

believed for the last 40+ years was sheer and total nonsense. (At least you haven't wasted that much time!)

 

I hear ya man.

[Jeff H]

I'd like to post a little addendum to my original one, if I may. It's now been almost a month since my "official" de-conversion. And I realized last night that things have gotten a lot better. This past month, I have still been reading endlessly about Christian topics - mostly to do with the idea that Jesus may never have existed. I find that an interesting topic with a lot of good evidence - or rather, I guess in this case, a lack of evidence where there should be some - but I don't really know whether it's possible to say for sure what happened back there around the early first century. We simply don't have enough information, which is why there is so much diversity of opinion between "Jesus really lived and was the Son of God" and "Jesus never existed and was just cobbled together by a bunch of pagan myths and Judaic concepts". The few pieces of evidence we do have from that time period are twisted around in so many different ways that it is simple enough to just dismiss it all and remain agnostic on the issue. I don't believe that Jesus was the Son of God anymore, but I don't think I am willing to say that I don't think he ever existed. Maybe he existed as a man, but became legendary. I don't know. Without further evidence, I don't think it's possible to know.

 

But at any rate, I mentioned that things have gotten better. I realized last night that I feel a lot more at peace with my decision. I'm no longer agonizing over the "What if I made the wrong decision?" too much anymore. There is the odd moment, but for the most part, I've "settled in," if you will. Mind you, there are still distinct moments when I still wish that the whole thing were just a bad dream that I could wake up from. I feel that every Sunday night. Why, you ask? Well, because my parents like to call me every Sunday night, as a weekly thing to check up on me and make sure I'm okay. (I'm in university, so this isn't entirely weird. Still a little annoying, as I'm almost 21 now, but it's mostly their way of keeping the family together, I guess.) Every Sunday night they call, and they ask about how the week went, etc., but at some point, the question is invariably posed, "So, did you make it out to church this week?" And I feel like a horrible, rotten person when I lie to them. For a couple weeks at the beginning of the term, I just made excuses - I haven't really figured out what I am going to do about church, since there isn't one close by; I didn't feel well this morning; etc. But that only works for so long. Tonight, my mom was talking to me, and I lied to her, telling her I went to a church fairly close by. This seemed to satisfy her. But it didn't really satisfy me. I don't like lying to my parents.

 

I know this has to be a gradual process. My dilemma is this: I want to tell my parents, but I don't want to, if at all possible, ruin some special family gathering or whatever. You see, my mom's and my birthdays are coming up - I don't want to ruin those happy occasions by telling them I'm rejecting their faith. Thanksgiving is next, and I don't want to talk about it then, either. Then of course, we have Christmas, and if I tell them at any point during or near the Christmas season, it will forever leave its mark on that time. We already have enough negative things that have happened at Christmas - two relatives died around that time. I don't really want to make it two dead people and a dead faith.

 

I calm myself by telling myself that I will tell them after Christmas at some point. But this means waiting three and a half months - which means three and a half months of weekly phone calls, three and a half months of lying to my parents. I hate that thought as much as I hate the thought of telling them during a happy occasion. It's difficult to figure out what to do. I know that things will be "different" for a long time after I tell them, and so I don't want to make it more strenuous than it already will be. "Oh, happy birthday mom, and by the way, I think that you've taught me lies all these years!" It just doesn't seem right to me.

 

At any rate, mostly I just needed to get that all out in writing. It helps me to compose my thoughts and sort things out. I still don't know what I will do about the situation, but at any rate, what happens will happen. If at some point I get fed up with lying to my parents, the truth may come out whether I want it to or not. So be it. It won't be the end of the world, I guess. But with all that said, I return to what I said earlier - a month's time has done me good. I no longer feel so stressed out about the issue that I lay awake in bed at night staring at the ceiling and wondering if there's anyone past it. I no longer lose sleep over whether I'm right or wrong. I still don't feel completely calm about it, but I feel confident that these things will work themselves out in time. And all that without help from some Higher Power. So, on that note, I will end this addendum, and see what the future holds. Thanks for listening

[Hineni]

Jeff, I've just gotten round to reading your testimony, and really enjoyed reading it. Personally, I perceived myself divorcing God and I can still imagine looking behind to see if Jesus/Yahshua charged after me to bring me back to the fold...but what I saw in my minds eye was Heaven's gates locked, and a bold sign proudly declaring "THOU SHALT NOT ENTER".

 

I'm very happy that you've improved in this small amount of time, truly. The peace is worth everything.

 

Regards,

Hineni

[ogilvy]

I know this has to be a gradual process. My dilemma is this: I want to tell my parents, but I don't want to, if at all possible, ruin some special family gathering or whatever. You see, my mom's and my birthdays are coming up - I don't want to ruin those happy occasions by telling them I'm rejecting their faith. Thanksgiving is next, and I don't want to talk about it then, either. Then of course, we have Christmas, and if I tell them at any point during or near the Christmas season, it will forever leave its mark on that time. We already have enough negative things that have happened at Christmas - two relatives died around that time. I don't really want to make it two dead people and a dead faith.

Maybe when the time is right, you could say something like 'i'm having a break from church for a while', and if they ask why, 'i want to figure some things out', 'some things i wonder about'...doesnt sound too drastic and leaves them hope that you will return at a later stage. all the best.

[jackbauer]

I'm not an atheist, but I am a HUGE skeptic of the claims Christianity makes. I've come to the same conclusions as you. I've always believed in god as a kid, but I can honestly say I never bought the idea of a personal relationship with god. You're SO right. If one wants a relationship, they need CLEAR COMMUNICATION without relying on old books and other people to do the speaking for them.

 

I find more peace in the idea that we cannot know everything and we don't have to make up our minds now what we believe.

[florduh]

God lost by a neck. I like it!

 

Thanks for the well written testimony.