Guest Cyranothe2nd Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Hi all, I'm Cyrano and I walked away almost five years ago. It was actually my best friend's coming out that started me down that road, although I'd been going down it a while. I was raised a Fundamentalist Baptist and exceeded even my zealous father's dreams in terms of my own "holiness" (read: self-righteous prudery). I was one of those horribly better-than-thou people who had read the Bible backward and forward, knew every apologetics answer to anything an unbeliever could throw at me, and actually wrote my graduating thesis on the value of the KJV over any other version of the Bible. In short, I was an annoying little shit. And when I got out of my father's house (or the Bible Bubble, as I like to call it), I kind of went crazy. Well, crazy for me. I dated and unbeliever *gasp* and had sex outside of marriage *double gasp*. I ended up pregnant and scared and so I got married. My husband (now ex) was a great guy, understanding of all my existential angst and need to binge and purge (get rid of all the "worldy" objects in the house). I remember times where I must have pushed him to the breaking point. And looking back, a lot of that had to do with my own nebulous grasp on exactly who I was and what I wanted from life. Then my best friend sent me an email and told me he was gay. It floored me. I had evangelised this guy. I had converted him. I had defended him when others had accused him of being femme. And I even fancied myself in love with him when we were teenagers. Now he was telling me that he'd been lying all those years and he couldn't take it any more and had to be honest with who he was. And that honesty touched off something in my own life. I had not been happy in years, maybe not ever. I was increasingly suffocating in a system that I could not breathe in and I was trapped in a marriage that I had taken on because of guilt and convenience. So-I left. I just got into the car and left. I ran away. I felt at the time that I was flying apart. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like a coward. I had always thought that I was an honest person, and now it seemed that I had been decieving myself for so long, not allowing myself to see the evidence against my faith and not allowing myself to feel how unhappy I was (or anything that didn't fall into the happy-happy Bible life I was supposed to be leading). I ran to my friend. And he took me in. With amazing compassion he accepted my need to just be away from myself for a while. He was there for me when I started to ask hard questions about my life, like "Why does God allow pain?" and "How can God let hell exist?" and the most horrible, wonderful question of all, "What if this whole thing is a lie?" It was SO painful to give up my faith. Words can't describe it. I felt lied to, decieved and betrayed. I was so angry and hurt. I hated anything to do with xianity and god. And I so longed to have that simple faith back. But another part of me saw how poisonous it was, and how the venom had leeched the life from me until all that was left was the shell of a person, spewing chapter and verse but feeling no true compassion. It took a long time for the guilt and fear to subside. I remember laying in bed late one night and thinking about hell and suddenly just cracking up at how ludicrous it was...I began to laugh. I ran upstairs to my friend's room and told him and we both stood there going, "I KNOW! How retarded! A god that fries people for eternity!" Another time I remember having the need to come clean with my Fundy family about my walk away. My step-mom (I call her Flip Top Head because she can never keep her mouth shut) said that I had never really been saved. I remember being SO offended, like my journey was completely nullified and all the fourteen years I had spent as a slave to the system were meaningless. And then I realized, they *were* meaningless. It was stupid and pointless. I wish it had never happened. But another part of me feels like if I had never had those experiences, I wouldn't be the strong, self-aware person I am now. I mean, if I had never had to really examine myself and my life, would I be even a fraction of the person I am today? Would I have been able to walk away with intergrity? It's been five years since I ran away from home. It's been only a year since I was able to say, "Yes, I *am* an atheist." And I don't know that I will ever be able to see the people I went to church with, or have a normal realtionship with my family. That used to grieve me a lot. Now I just feel sorry for them. They are as trapped and unhappy as I once was. And I hope that whatever love and compassion exists in this world will turn itself to them and they can someday be as happy and fulfilled as I am. ~Cyrano Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Welcome to the real world, Cyrano! Glad to have you on the forums. I found myself nodding knowingly as I read your story. Whole LOT of parallel feelings/experiences there. You definitely are NOT alone in how you feel, and felt. I'm so glad that you are able to laugh. That will be an important commodity in the upcoming months and years, as you decompress. Once again, welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Winchester Slate Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 I had always thought that I was an honest person Yeah, I know how THAT feels. But you know what? Because of my deconversion and coming out, I've become completely unable to lie to myself. I mean, if I KNOW I'm lying, what's the point? <-- What's the 7-Up dude doing here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loren Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 It was SO painful to give up my faith. Words can't describe it. I felt lied to, decieved and betrayed. I was so angry and hurt. I hated anything to do with xianity and god. And I so longed to have that simple faith back. But another part of me saw how poisonous it was, and how the venom had leeched the life from me until all that was left was the shell of a person, spewing chapter and verse but feeling no true compassion. This is so common among us. Those feelings of betrayal, both self-betrayal and having been betrayed by the damned clergy who have a responsibility to guide their "flock" in the truth. It took a long time for the guilt and fear to subside. I remember laying in bed late one night and thinking about hell and suddenly just cracking up at how ludicrous it was...I began to laugh. I ran upstairs to my friend's room and told him and we both stood there going, "I KNOW! How retarded! A god that fries people for eternity!"This is very common too. Especially regarding the Hell doctrine. Many ships of faith have been wracked on the rocks of eternal damnation. It's hell for a believer who's devoted their life to Jesus to realize that if they have actually integrated the moral principles into their life, that they are more moral than the God they follow.But another part of me feels like if I had never had those experiences, I wouldn't be the strong, self-aware person I am now. I mean, if I had never had to really examine myself and my life, would I be even a fraction of the person I am today? Would I have been able to walk away with intergrity?This is another commonality with us: the fact that if we hadn't devoted ourselves to all that faithful study in order to improve our "walk with the Lord," we wouldn't really be in a position to know that our decision to leave is a sound one. Without it, we almost inescapably end up falling into questioning whether all the old, tired lines from the damned preachers as to why we left may be true, or vacillating back and forth based on when the waves of guilt or grief over our loss of relationship with God are at their highest. Welcome, Cyrano! You truly are not alone in this. Loren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Cyrano, Welcome to Dave's House. Pull up a sit, read, find others who also whave ahd a life similar to your experiences and are on their way to a *real life* sans the skY buDDie and his spooKies.. Best place to spend on.line, on.ass time to decant and allow a lotta the bubbles work out.. Damnned decent group of recovering and working on things Humans here. kevinL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Welcome Cyrano! It's been five years since I ran away from home. It's been only a year since I was able to say, "Yes, I *am* an atheist." And I don't know that I will ever be able to see the people I went to church with, or have a normal realtionship with my family. That's sad. Are you sure you're right about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Cyranothe2nd Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Welcome Cyrano!That's sad. Are you sure you're right about it? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> About leaving my faith? Or about having a relationship with my family? Faith-absolutely yes. No doubt. Family- it's their choice. They can't accept me for who I am and it's their loss. Not everyone, I hasten to add. My mom's great, as are my adult siblings. It's my dad and his wife (Flip Top Head) that are horrible. Everytime I'm around them I feel the finger of judgement pointing down at me. It's as though I've done something reprehensible, like genocide or liking Brittney Spears. *Sigh* So, no...I don't think I'm mistaken. I can't live a lie and pretend I'm happy-happy xian. If I live my life with intergrity then my father won't give me his "fellowship" (Fundy-speak for love and compassion). If I pretend for him then I'm a liar, and I won't be that. So, as I said, that relationship is pretty trashed. And it *is* sad...it's sad that he can't see past his "testimony" to loving his daughter. I love him so much and it hurts. But, I can't change it. So, I hold out hope that he will someday see the truth. But until then.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 About leaving my faith? Or about having a relationship with my family? , the latter. *Sigh* So, no...I don't think I'm mistaken. I can't live a lie and pretend I'm happy-happy xian. If I live my life with intergrity then my father won't give me his "fellowship" (Fundy-speak for love and compassion). If I pretend for him then I'm a liar, and I won't be that. So, as I said, that relationship is pretty trashed. I'm sorry to hear that, but I agree with your position. I can't live a lie either, at least not if I think it's a permanent situation. I suppose all you can do is tell him that you still love him and make it clear that he's the one pushing you asside rather than the other way around. Remind him that he lives his life interacting with people of other faiths/nonfaiths everyday and doesn't feel the need to treat them all like crap. So, I hold out hope that he will someday see the truth. But until then.... Sometimes people need time to accept new situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Cyranothe2nd Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 It's been years. It's not exactly a "new" situation. I may not have been able to say "I'm an athiest" until this year but I've not been a xian since...well, at least three years before that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Winchester Slate Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 Her dad is the guy who covered up his infant daughter's chest while she was having her shirt changed. All because I was in the room. They're pretty far gone, unfortunately. It's so sad to see people whom I KNOW are intelligent suppress so much of their intellect in the name of faith. I know they're better than that. (Part of that last statement came from the revelation last night that my boyfriend still believes in Adam and Eve.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 (Part of that last statement came from the revelation last night that my boyfriend still believes in Adam and Eve.) At least you're not married to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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