Ex-southern Baptist

[gypsy79]

Hello everyone,

 

I first found this site about a year ago while taking a World Religions class. I read a bunch of stuff here and then went on my own "deconversion" route and tried to stay away from influences on either side while making up my mind. I can now honestly say that I am agnostic. I truly don't know whether there is a higher deity and really do not care or think it matters. I feel free from made-up rules and guilt and can now focus on just being the best person I can be.

 

I will not rehash all the questions I asked myself over the past year or all the research I did. Many of you have been there and already know what it's like. Others may not have been there, but have read deconversion testimonies before. Mine is pretty much the same. Logical thought and reason began to take over.

 

I just wanted to share my story as succinctly as possible so that others who are struggling with very fundamental Xtian families will know they're not alone. My family is full of Southern Baptist preachers -- grandfather, cousin, nephew. My parents have always worked or volunteered at the church and, as a child, they forced me to go every time the doors were open. My father is a Sunday School teacher and assistant music director. Both parents play the piano at church, etc. You get it. I got "saved" when I was 4 and baptized by immersion at 6 -- when they were sure I fully "understood." My parents are very loving and kind, but were also quite strict and have fundamental views. You know...rap music and rock music are of the devil, but old rock music and country music are tolerable, although not the best idea. LOL. Jesus fulfilled the Law and the Prophets, so you no longer have to follow Old Testament rules unless they involve homosexuality.

 

When I was 19, I moved far away from my family and stopped going to church regularly, but nobody ever knew it. I still firmly believed I was a Christian; I was just lazy. At about age 24, I moved back near my family with my husband and we started going to church again just because it was easier than having those "you need to get back in the fold" conversations. I refused to go any time except Sunday morning, and my parents accepted that. By that time, they had started to agree that going to church 85 times a week is silly, although (don't get me wrong) they are still VERY fundy. About a year ago, at age 28, we moved a little farther away from them and now only attend church very sporadically, such as when we will be with them anyway. They don't know. They think we attend most Sunday mornings. Also about a year ago, I took a World Religions course and you know the rest of the story. Here I am, the agnostic.

 

My spouse knows and I think he agrees on one level, but also looks up in the sky to see if we will be struck by lightning when I talk about it. LOL. A couple of friends know, but with everyone else, I am taking the VERY slow approach. Although I am angry that I have wasted so many years on Xtian guilt, I do NOT blame my parents or family at all. They have been duped as well and are otherwise intelligent people. My mother has already had a very hard time dealing with my brother's drug addiction and to dump this on her would be extremely selfish. It would destroy her because she would truly believe that her only daughter is going to hell. She would stay up nights praying and fasting and crying, and although I am certain she would not dissociate herself from me or anything, she might have a nervous breakdown.

 

So, I'm taking the slow approach and just bringing up those "life" questions, such as how can the system be fair to people who were raised another religion or why do Southern Baptists pick and choose which parts of the Bible to follow or how is the command against homosexuality fair to those who are born with ambiguous genitalia, etc., etc. Luckily, although my mother is not questioning her faith as far as I know, she is beginning to question dogmatic doctrine. I have to be careful with this, though, because when I get into a deep conversation with her about it, she tends to shut down at a certain point and go back to the dogmatic doctrine. It is like she is afraid to question it (the lightning thing again, maybe?). She is, after all, a preacher's kid.

 

Would love any feedback on my approach and hope this helps anyone who is dealing with a similar situation. I guess this wasn't succinct as originally promised, but hey, I tried. Nice to "meet" everyone. I have read many of your stories and look forward to getting to know you better.

 

Gypsy

[bush country]

Hi Gypsy, welcome to ex-c!

 

IMO you are doing the right thing in coming out slowly. I admire you for coming out at all considering your situation with your parents. Only thing I would say is - choose who to come out to and there is the idea that it isn't necessary to come out to everyone. For me, I have chosen to keep my lack of belief to myself but will eventually get around to informing my wife and my children. Just don't feel a need to do so in a hurry.

[gypsy79]

Thanks, bush. That's a good point about how it is not necessary to come out to everyone. For example, I would never come out to my grandparents (the preacher and his wife). They are 80-something, very feeble, and won't live much longer. It would be pointless to add to their grief.

 

On the other hand, I probably will talk to my other grandfather about it. He is their same age, but is in extremely good health and has never seemed to me to be very religious, although he did allow his wife to drag him into xianity. She died almost 10 years ago and he didn't go to church much after that. Now he never goes. He doesn't seem to be angry with g-d, just doesn't seem like he really cares. I know he'll keep any conversations we have to himself, so I may just come out and ask him whether he really believes.

 

With my parents, I am taking it slow rather than not doing it at all because I think church really makes them miserable AND because I am tired of lying to them. We'll see how that goes. I may end up deciding to never really tell them.

 

Thanks again for your reply, well wishes, and good advice. I appreciate it. Good luck with your journey as well.

 

Gypsy

[Guest thatwasthen]

You are a very loving person to approach this dilemma the way you are. I was not raised nearly as fundy as you, but I still struggle because my mom and brother have become more fundy as the years go by and there is such a chasm between us. I find myself obsessed with figuring out how people can believe this way. This is a site I found very enlightening:

 

http://www.csicop.org/si/2000-11/beliefs.html

 

Peace.

[Ouroboros]

Gypsy,

 

Only my wife, my kids, and one of my brothers know about my de-conversion. But my extended family lives on the other side of the ocean, so it kind of helps. There's nothing to prove to them, so no need to shove it down their throats. I think mom suspect though. Anyway. Every story is different. You make your own narrative of your life, and only you know how far you can go to tell the people you know.

 

Welcome to the site.

[Crazycatlady]

Gypsy,

 

No one in my family knows about my deconversion. My sister might suspect. We make a point of not asking if the other has been to church. I think she's attending the baptist church (which would break my mother's catholic heart). Most of my close friends know. I don't know if I will ever "come out" to my parents. I plan to move to Germany, and they will stay in the States. They seem to be quite happy with their religion and church.

 

Welcome to the forums.

[gypsy79]

Thanks for the link, thatwasthen. Very interesting.

 

Thanks to all of you for the welcome and the info on how you are "coming out". It is quite helpful to read how others are doing it (and why) because it provides new ideas and perspectives for tweaking my plan.

 

When I re-read that last sentence, it sounded silly since what I believe should be inconsequential to anyone else, but religion has such a hold on people. Many simply cannot handle the truth, especially in quick Band-Aid like fashion.

[gypsy79]

Forgot to share the good news! My mom told me she just read The Shack and thought it had a very good point, although she did express (very tiny) concern it might be blasphemous. This may not sound like a big deal, but I can't believe she even brought such a book inside her house or managed to keep it away from my father, who would most certainly and promptly throw it out. Small victories.

[Misterspock1]

Welcome to the site, and thanks for sharing your story.

 

Your story really struck a chord with me, because I also come from a very fundie Southern Baptist family. I grew up in church all my life, was saved at 7, was going to be a pastor, and was even engaged to a strictly fundamentalist woman. I went to public school, though if I had been born in more recent years I am sure my parents would have put me in a private Christian school somewhere. I never listened to any music other than Christian music, I was committed to staying a virgin until marriage, I read my Bible every day, etc.

 

I "came out" to my family and friends a little over three years ago. My fiancee left me, many of my friends deserted me (most of the few left still try to re-convert me on occasion), and I became the black sheep of the family. You made a comment about not telling your mom because you think it would destroy her. I can understand that, because I can see what the news of my deconversion has done to my mother. She has had many sleepless nights since the news, and she has cried on the phone or in person to me many times. My mother can be very manipulative in what she says and does, and I hate it. I have had to limit the time I spend with her just for my own mental and emotional well-being. She has also been very outspoken in trying to re-convert me. I don't really like it, and it is hard for me to always have a positive view of my mom, but I still love her and it hurts me to know that she is hurting. However, I still know the decision I made to leave Christianity was the right one, regardless of what it has done to people. It was the step I needed to take, and the more time I spend away from it the more I realize how wrong Christianity is.

 

For me, it wasn't something I could keep a secret. I had to tell everyone, especially those close to me, just because I felt it was something they needed to know. I sometimes wonder if I should have waited to tell them, but it only would have made it worse, I think. I was six months away from my wedding, about to make the SECOND biggest mistake of my life, and the truth had to come out. I am sure the day will come when your secret will become known, and that day will be a rough one. It is never easy to tell people you love that you have rejected their entire belief system, the belief system they raised you under. I have found this board as a great support group for the struggles I have had, and I hope you will be able to do the same.

[hereticzero]

I was raised So. Baptist and I'm always happy to see another Southern Baptist that is able to cut the strings to the cult. Welcome to the forum.

[Curtdude]

....Would love any feedback on my approach and hope this helps anyone who is dealing with a similar situation. I guess this wasn't succinct as originally promised, but hey, I tried. Nice to "meet" everyone. I have read many of your stories and look forward to getting to know you better.

 

Gypsy

 

Welcome, Gypsy - loved to read your story. Welcome also to the side of life where you can look up at the sky, or hear the birds, and just be glad to be alive without all of the "it's gotta mean more than this" fal-dee-rahl.

 

And how all of us apostates choose to deal w/ all of our religious family and friends really depends on the character of all the folks involved. Sounds like you're dealing with it perfectly.

 

But I made a huge deal outta my deconversion - made a real drama! It's cleaner, but in many ways more emotionally messy...

[gypsy79]

Spock, Heretic, and Curt,

 

Thank you for your replies. The support is very much appreciated and it is very helpful to hear how others have done this. Spock, good for you for handling your "coming out" before the marriage. Being married to a fundy would have been hard. Even though I get frustrated when my spouse won't discuss (what I deem to be) important issues like this, I am truly glad deep-down that he is apathetic. I would not be able to handle missionary zeal.

[Piprus]

Greetings, gyspy, welcome to the Ex-Christian net.

It's good to hear your ex-timoney. I'm another ex-southern baptist, many years ago, and I can certainly relate.

Once you've reached that point of concluding that christianity is bogus, that its purports are not realistic, and that life is real but without gods or saviors as they've been portrayed to you by the baptist (or any other) denomination, life takes on a new and richer dimension. You are at that point, and I congratulate you on your graduation.

 

Going forward, whether you choose to identify yourself as an atheist, an agnostic, a deist, a pagan, or some other alternative view, you'll always find an accepting and non-judgmental group here where you can talk about such things. Be free, enjoy the site. The rest of us certainly do...

[Babelfish]

I was raised Southern Baptist as well, your early life sounds so familiar, almost identical, except that there were no clergy in my family. I haven't come out yet, I'm still financially dependent on my parents and I don't know how they'll react. It's so hard not to go off on them though, when they spout ignorant shit.

[gypsy79]

Thanks, Piprus. I certainly agree that life is already becoming fuller. And, I am definitely enjoying the site! Maybe once school is over, I'll have more time to post.

 

Babel, I know what you mean. It's really hard to just not scream. I've been trying deep breaths and then just asking probing questions without coming out...hoping it will cause them to think. Sometimes I have to blame the questions on someone else. You know, "So-and-so said the other day that they believe.... I don't necessarily agree with them, but I can understand why they would think that. What do you think?" And so on and so on. It seems to be working on a very low level with my mother. Not my father, though. He is dogmatic. He got "saved" in college and brought Christianity back to his entire heathen family. :-) Although he still acts like a heathen (ha!) sometimes, his beliefs are set in stone.