FED UP. Wrote a form letter to my family

[Ouroboros]

I like that one. Very straight shooter.

[Ouroboros]

I kind of liked the previous one, but that's me. The difference is so small...

[♦ nivek ♦]

Draft FIVE.  Ok this puppy is fucking SUCCINCT.  It's nonrepetitive, nonhostile, etc. etc. etc.  Like a true form letter.  On the one level I don't have the satisfaction of some of the smart ass statements in earlier drafts...but on the WAY up side...since the letter is impersonal and factual they can't turn it around and make it about me being hurtful to them.  I think ultimately this one MIGHT shame them into conforming. 

 

**************

OK, here is the mean Old Man version

 

Dear Harry Rectum and Family,

 

*This is a form letter, it will be sent out to the anyone who sends me mail addressed to April Wilson.

Whack it, states the obvious, print it to look like what you want it to be. They oughta have enuff brain lube to figure this out.

 

My name is X not Y.

*Good place to start

 

I'm fairly certain I sent out an announcement about my intent to keep my Maiden name way back with the wedding invitations, if I didn't, then perhaps that is the reason for the confusion now.

* This is borderline TMI/BFD, obviously they don't care, thus provoking you and this letter. Crib it.

 

I realize you may not have known, but I have in the past corrected family members on the matter only to have my words brushed aside with a “No, you are April Wilson.”

*TMI/BFD

 

This attitude is both hurtful and disrespectful to me.

Here is heart of matter, lets work this over, make it primary thrust of discussion. "Why am I writing a letter to you?" Here is letters anchor point

 

 

 

We're all adults here and I've chosen this for personal reasons. It's no one's place to try and correct me to conform to what they believe is an important tradition. If my own husband can accept my decision, then the rest of you can too. If you are curious about my reasons, you are more than welcome to telephone me.

*TMI/BFD, invites weasles to try and squirm around issue. Talking telephone is good, but that is a normal human function. Doesn't need air time in your note.

 

Legally and personally my name has not changed. If there is any confusion when addressing something to both Tom and myself, it can be addressed to Tom Wilson and April _____

Thank you for respecting me enough to make this change in your correspondence with me.

*Cool, to point, this is the answer and remedy that you wish.

 

 

 

Any future mail sent addressed incorrectly will be marked "return to sender.”

Sincerely,

April

*TMI/BFD, sounds too much like a schoolkids "I'm gonna take my ball and bash your nuts with it, then go home anyway." Gonna suspect if your extended family is as much or more a buncha wiseacres like mine, ALL your correspondence from them will now be addressed in a way designed to piss you off. ALL of it..

That is an rank invitation, no a begging, to be slapped with what is pissing you off.

 

Continue to trim this until you have two paragraphs, possibly two medium length sentences that incororate your entire idea, no emotives, no TMI/BFD, no squirm room.

 

Just the raw facts designed to slap the recipent across the address book..

 

Any more wastes your time and they won't *get it*.

 

kL

[♦ nivek ♦]

maybe 7 is a little TOO cold and impersonal.  6 includes the fact that I feel "hurt and disrespected"  After all I am dealing with family who supposedly loves me, not collecting a debt.

 

Little obvious they don't give a fuck Zoe..

 

If it were just a *wie widdle mistake* and was correctable with your telling them so, then this letter editing and worrying wouldn't be here on the Boards for public perusal and advise asking.

 

Family is the roughest on a persons nerves and character device ever made. If a family member disrespects you, treats you like a pile of shit, because it is the *family* you need to sit back and like eating shit sammiches.. Nahhhh.. Standing up to the situation is a good thing, but remember you may only get one shot at making this kinda point before the next crisis in the family gets moving along.

 

Strike hard, hit fast, make point(s) and move on. Gonna suspect family chucklehead who is doing this isn't gonna to change, but you've done what you can do to ensure your opinion is known.

 

Like arguing anything, best you can do is fire your best shot and hope it hits where you want it to go.

 

I'll say it again, pick your fights carefully. don't expend what capital and reserves you have on things that are not life changing or threatening.

 

kL

[♦ nivek ♦]

Slim, trim, addresses point and vocalizes the remedy which you desire.

 

Easy to read, no *fluff*, nothing to argue about. Reader should get what and why this was sent to them.

 

Leaving the sidebars and assorted arguments out leaves them no room to say "But you said XXX and CFWT, too!"

 

Simple, to point and cuts like a scapel.

 

kL

[Ouroboros]

ALRIGHT.... Draft 9.

 

78 friggin words...impressive for the Zoe huh?

Yes! But it took 9 drafts of 10,000 words to get there!

 

Just teasing with ya'!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Even slimmer and faster. Wastes no time, allows no argument.

 

kL

[Ouroboros]

Don't get me wrong Zoe, it's a lesson for me as well.

 

I learn by example. And Niveks input made sense. So it was good.

[Lanakila]

But, but, but what if they are sending a gift or money in a card? I wouldn't be returning money or a gift even if it had the wrong name on it.

[Clearview]

But, but, but what if they are sending a gift or money in a card? I wouldn't be returning money or a gift even if it had the wrong name on it. 

 

Zoey will have to make sure she doesn't open it, so she isn't tempted to keep it.

 

Isn't there a $500 fine for tampering with the US mail? She'd be tampering if she opened mail addressed to April Wilson, seeing as how that's not her.

 

 

Form letter 3:

 

"Dear family,

 

I ask you once again to cease and desist sending me mail addressed to April Wilson, as I cannot open it. It's against the law."

[LloydDobler]

Okay Zoe here's the ultimate shortened no possible way to make it shorter letter:

 

Dear related asshole:

 

My name is not April Wilson. It's April Hotbottoms (or whatever your name is).

 

Regards,

Not April Wilson.

 

What else is there to say really?

[Mythra]

I know what I'd say.

 

My name ain't freakin April Wilson.

 

My name is April _________.

 

Please refer to me by this name from now on, or I shall be forced to legally change my name to Dweezil Zappa III.

 

Or, maybe Zoe's last version was better.

[Curtdude]

But, but, but what if they are sending a gift or money in a card? I wouldn't be returning money or a gift even if it had the wrong name on it. 

 

I know, photocopy the check, put it back in the envelope, do the "form letter" thing, and voila! You've made your point AND kept the moola.

 

Of course, I really doubt anyone in this family would send Zoe any money, if they treat her like this.

 

Any inheiritance coming your way, Zoe?

[Caretaker]

How about this:

 

Dear ____________________,

 

I'm fairly certain I sent out an announcement about my intent to keep my Maiden name with the wedding invitations. If not, that explains the confusion now. My name is X, not Y.

 

Legally my name has not changed and my husband supports me in my decision. If there is any confusion when addressing mail to both Tom and myself, it can be addressed to Tom Wilson and April ________. Thank you for respecting this decision. Any future mail addressed incorrectly will be marked "return to sender.”

 

Sincerely,

 

 

April

 

I think that last sentence should be included, in bold and red.

[♦ nivek ♦]

How about this:

I think that last sentence should be included, in bold and red.

 

Khan,

 

In issues such as this, any squirm room HAS to be avoided.

 

"I think" "My belief" "Was said" "Was thought" "Assumed" are all invitations to continue arguments.

 

Everything after the *point* is a jumpoff for new fighting.

 

When you allow no discussion in opening salvo, tighten up the requirement for what will remedy problem, then they have to come up with creative solutions to take care fo things.

 

Confrontation takes finess and or a high/strong hand. Use of anything else is weakness and will fail in its desired results.

 

Zoe, by zeroing in on exactly what is her problem with family, and what she wants done about it makes issue clear. Gives no wiggle room. Enforces an awareness of problem which family can either ignore or repair.

She has done what she feels she needs do with as minimal emotion and further problem causing.

 

kL

[Ouroboros]

Yeah, Nivek got a point. You want to be assertive, unrelenting but not overly rude. To the point, and give no escape route. Let the message show that you don't even expect them NOT listen or adhere to your wish.

[Ouroboros]

Yep I'm sticking with draft 9.  I feel good about draft nine.  Also it makes ME look like the adult and them look like the petulent child.  It does everything I feel a form letter should do.  It's one size fits all.  It will make the petty ones KNOW they are being petty even if they continue to be stubborn.  It will make those who made an innocent mistake realize it without feeling undue hostility from me.  I think it's perfect.  Besides, didn't you read letter 2.  It's harsh and mean and "return to sender"  I figure I should get one more chance to lob a guilt ball at them before doing the "return to sender" thing

Or just return the letters if they come with wrong name, no warning, and let them discover it and have them call and ask what happened. Then you tell them, that it's not your name and you are legally not allowed to open someone else's mail. That will get their attention.

[Vigile]

Also it makes ME look like the adult and them look like the petulent child.

 

As I said before Zoe (April) you are a character and that's what I love about you. Now I haven't read the entire thread and may be reading this out of context, but I like the strength of your pride.

[Curtdude]

nobody in my family has enough money to send me an inheritance.  Also, my family is too big...I wouldn't get anything anyway.  THe only people I'm likely to get an inheritance from is my grandparents on my mom's side or my mom and dad.  And while they might hem and haw about the name thing, in the end they would never cut me out of their will.  Well my grandfather on that side might try to  but my grandmother would beat him with a stick if he tried.

 

You're right, the women in your family are strong!

 

I was just kidding anyways...I think you know exactly what to do w/ this group. And I love how sharp and to the point the letter has evolved. I hope for your sake it has some positive effect.

[R. S. Martin]

I dug this thread up just now. Looking for ways to deal with my sis who is so strong on guilt-tripping that she got a friend to call me yesterday. Some great advice on this thread. I think I'm doing all the right things. That's so GOOD to know! Thanks Nivek and all for some great insights.

[Purple]

Is there some reason all of Zoe's responces to this thread didn't show up for me? I know I don't have her blocked, I like Zoe, and I saw the op. I only know she did respond because of when others quoted her.

 

>Ms Purple,

 

Zoe and Tom elected to leave ExC, and Tom requested her posts be pulled with her registration. You'll see her posts quoted, as they are now part of a reply, not the original post.

 

HTH

 

kevinL<

[R. S. Martin]

I can't see Zoe's posts either. I just went by the other people's answers. I assumed she had written something and that they responded to it. I just "filled in the blanks" with what I might have written. What was really valuable to me was the advice to be succinct, to the point, cut out the verbiage, trim it back to one paragraph, not give them any squiggle room. That is what I am trying to do but I struggle with the same issues Zoe struggled with--that I will needlessly hurt someone.

 

Some of the replies assure Zoe that people who don't respect her wishes regarding her name will not be needlessly hurt i.e. they deserve what they get and that they will not respect less than strict boundaries. This makes sense.

 

I go by the name I was given at birth so THAT particular issue is not a problem. But there are other issues--such as my beliefs. This sister seems to assume authority to demand what my beliefs are. I consent providing she meet my conditions and is also open to discussing her own beliefs.

 

Rather than meeting my conditions, she gets a friend to talk to me. This friend happens to have professional training. I talk about this on another thread and won't go into the details here. This professional friend plies the guilt trip trade on me on the professional level. Her tactics are really effective, meaning that they do induce guilt.

 

I get the feeling FROM THEM that I am taking too stringent measures with my family, esp. with this sister. This is an old, old feeling, something I have been made to feel all my life, every time I stood up for myself. I need a truly impartial judge. In the answers on this thread I get that.

 

People here are saying that family who treats us so harshly will respect nothing less. They speak one language and you gotta speak it. Treating them to their own medicine gets their hackles up. THAT--in and of itself--speaks VOLUMES.

 

If they are sincere in their proclamations of love, their hackles won't come up just because we treat them to their own medicine. They will repent and confess their sins. They will not confess only the sins they committed ten or twenty years ago, they will confess the offenses of this very day and situation.

 

I think if they are sincere in their love, they will make use of the conditions under which I will talk to them. They will not get all their friends to mediate BEFORE they have even attempted to meet my conditions.

 

It's sure helpful working it out with people who won't condemn me for standing up for my own self. Without the moral support of this forum I would not be able to do it.