Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Christian Account of the Universe in a nutshell


Heimdall

Recommended Posts

I found this on the "Faithless Community" website, it was posted by NobleSavage. I think this boils their belief down to be bare (are humorously ignorant) essentials:

 

Here's the Christian account of the universe in a nutshell:

 

In the beginning, Biblegod created the universe. Biblegod gave everyone free will to act independently. Then Biblegod decided that acting independently of Biblegod's will was a "sin", something Biblegod can't abide. So Biblegod gave us free will but doesn't want us to use it. The logic here makes my brain hurt so we won't dwell on this point.

 

Anyway, so Biblegod's pretty upset about all this sin on earth and comes up with a solution. Biblegod sent himself down to earth to assume a human form named "Jesus". Biblegod then arranged for himself to be sacrificed to himself. It was the only way he could convince himself to forgive all of us for being sinful.

 

For a while, the Biblegod's avatar wasn't sure about this mission but then reminded himself, "Not my will but my will be done." Being on the cross was really painful. At one point, he was heard to say "Me, why have I forsaken me".

 

However, all the pain and suffering was worth it. If Biblegod hadn't sacrificed himself to himself, he could never have convinced himself to forgive us and change a rule that he made in the first place so that we might be saved from his own wrath.

 

We're not sure exactly how bleeding on a cross makes everything better but Biblegod works in strange ways. Perhaps its some sort of Gestalt therapy for working through Biblegod's anger management problems. Regardless, it sells lots of tickets at the box office so we won't argue with what apparently works.

 

Anyone who doesn't accept Biblegod's unconditional love as demonstrated by his act of masochism on the cross shall be cast into a lake of fire to be tortured for all eternity. Remember, Biblegod loves you and doesn't want to torture you for all eternity but you'll make him do it if you don't believe this outlandish tale.

 

Glory to the Biblegod. Amen.

Heimdall :wicked:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amazing. All too true, Heimdall. :lmao:

 

Where's the Holy Ghost is the only question for improvement I can think of. But maybe she/it/he is not needed.

 

You ought to have this printed up as a tract and go around handing it out on the street.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This was awesome. I have shared it with a friend already!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I found this on the "Faithless Community" website, it was posted by NobleSavage.  I think this boils their belief down to be bare (are humorously ignorant) essentials:

 

Here's the Christian account of the universe in a nutshell:

 

In the beginning, Biblegod created the universe. Biblegod gave everyone free will to act independently. Then Biblegod decided that acting independently of Biblegod's will was a "sin", something Biblegod can't abide. So Biblegod gave us free will but doesn't want us to use it. The logic here makes my brain hurt so we won't dwell on this point.

 

Anyway, so Biblegod's pretty upset about all this sin on earth and comes up with a solution. Biblegod sent himself down to earth to assume a human form named "Jesus". Biblegod then arranged for himself to be sacrificed to himself. It was the only way he could convince himself to forgive all of us for being sinful.

 

For a while, the Biblegod's avatar wasn't sure about this mission but then reminded himself, "Not my will but my will be done." Being on the cross was really painful. At one point, he was heard to say "Me, why have I forsaken me".

 

However, all the pain and suffering was worth it. If Biblegod hadn't sacrificed himself to himself, he could never have convinced himself to forgive us and change a rule that he made in the first place so that we might be saved from his own wrath.

 

We're not sure exactly how bleeding on a cross makes everything better but Biblegod works in strange ways. Perhaps its some sort of Gestalt therapy for working through Biblegod's anger management problems. Regardless, it sells lots of tickets at the box office so we won't argue with what apparently works.

 

Anyone who doesn't accept Biblegod's unconditional love as demonstrated by his act of masochism on the cross shall be cast into a lake of fire to be tortured for all eternity. Remember, Biblegod loves you and doesn't want to torture you for all eternity but you'll make him do it if you don't believe this outlandish tale.

 

Glory to the Biblegod. Amen.

Heimdall  :wicked:

 

I wonder how a christian would dispute this. It's all true. Sometimes taking a step back and looking at the picture from a distance reveals the true lunacy of it all.

 

More than likely you would get back a bunch of nonsensical verses about how the blood of christ washes sin and the sheer idiocy of the idea will be totally lost on them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amazing.  All too true, Heimdall.   :lmao:

 

Where's the Holy Ghost is the only question for improvement I can think of.  But maybe she/it/he is not needed.

 

You ought to have this printed up as a tract and go around handing it out on the street.

 

And for effect you could carry a sign that says:

 

The end of the world is not yet here!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.