Taking The Plunge

[Deva]

The good news is, in spite of my aversion to conflict and my dread of causing my friends and family any pain, I sincerely believe that I will be pressured, but not rejected. I would be extremely surprised if my family ceased to love me based on my disbelief of the bible.

 

That's nice noob, that you think your family would not cease to love you. I feel the same about my family, but here's my story:

 

I am 50 years old and my parents have an idea that I am "unsaved" but they will never know the extent of it!! They will never understand what I went through trying to be the perfect daughter and tow the line on religion. I take responsibility for that, but this approach has basically ruined my life in some ways. I spent many years trying to reconcile myself with Christianity because of it. My parents are 73 years old and total fundamentalists and for them its nothing less than the mindset of "my way or the highway" where religion is concerned. Liberal churches come in for the same disapproval that atheism or other religions do.

 

I believe they still love me, but their disapproval comes in loud and clear when they send me Christmas and birthday cards. Even though they send me a check with the card, they also send me a gospel tract. I previously asked my mother to not send me any more Christian materials. For over 10 years she sent me this publication which was like a daily Bible devotional. I just let it go and threw it in the trash. Then I wrote her (she lives 1,200 miles away) and told her I don't read it and please stop sending it. Also that I did not want to discuss religion with her. She doesn't but is still sending me tracts. The question in my mind is always how much do I tell them? (I am Buddhist now) because I know whatever I say, its going to hurt them. They cared for me all my life, made sure I had enough to eat, a place to sleep and paid for me to go to college. This is not a simple thing. My religion is the most important thing in my life, it just happens not to be theirs.

 

Sorry if this is heavy. noob. Its just tough after all these years to know that they will never understand.

[upstarter]

Maybe we need a whole thread about middle aged women and their issues with their fundy mothers! Boy, can I relate to everything everyone has said. The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that my mother is 3000 miles away. But she is also the only reason I have not outed myself as a non-believer. I don't consider my mother to be manipulative, but I do know that that news would break her heart, and I cannot be responsible for that.

 

43 years old and I still hide all the alcohol in my house when my mother visits. It's sad... but that's the way it is.

 

Heather

[noob]

Hello again, Pope Flippant! Thank you for reading my testimony and for being so kind and supportive. Thank you especially for understanding:

Nobody can understand unless they have that same kind of relationship with their own mother.

It was a bit of surprise to log in this evening and see the thread had had resurfaced. What's funny is, I thought I had made huge progress since I first posted, but looking back through the thread I see that my progress is primarily in my mind. I have not actively addressed many of the actual issues.

 

First, I am still attending church almost every Sunday. And yes, I am still doing that for mom. I know it is going to break her heart when I tell her that I do not believe in god. She is a good woman, but her life revolves around her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She is 72 years old and family and church are the only two things she has in her life. She just loves to be involved in everyone’s business, whether they want her there or not! I have decided that I am going to tell her though. The charade is already growing old, and I cannot pretend much longer. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to handle it, and I am developing a plan!

 

I have told a few friends and family members and for the most part, it has been painless. I'm going to share my experiences in hopes that it may be encouraging to others. I told my husband. (I am not going to go into the whole story of my relationship with him, but it is odd to say the least. We’ve been married for nine years next month, but we have not lived together since May of 2006.) I am not going to assume that I know how he thinks. I am just going to say that he is not outwardly religious. However, when I told him I no longer believed in god, he was visibly shocked and told me he never thought he would hear me say that. And then he told me that it was because I was hanging around with people who did not go to church. What???? I don’t think he realized that he was one of those people!

 

I also told my older sister and she seemed to take it well. However, I did hear from my nephew that I raised (her son) that she just thinks I am being unduly influenced by a close friend who is an atheist.

 

And finally, I am much more aware of how much damage I have inflicted on myself by always trying to please others. I actually had a very unpleasant confrontation this week, and as difficult as it was, I held firm and did not allow myself to cave in to pressure to do something I did not want to do.

 

The folks at Ex-C are an incredible group and they have collectively helped me more than I can say. I’m going to ask Fuego if I can engrave his words on a medallion to wear around my neck:

I refuse to submit to religious rules and expectations from those who claim to love me. Either love me as I am or leave me alone.

 

And florduh keeps reminding us:

Remember, people love you for who you really are, or they don't love you at all.

On a lighter note, Amethyst taught me to mouth “watermelon” during the hymns on Sunday morning, peejay helped me enjoy the holidays a little more by pointing out that Jimmy Buffet was born on December 25th. Now I can look forward to a Happy Buffetmas every year! And thanks to Cracker and the Bi(b)le Answer Man game, I was not bored for several weeks during the sermon as I flipped through the bible looking for new questions to pose.

 

What more could a person ask for?

[noob]

DevaLight, I am hurting for you. I just posted a response to Pope Flippant, and I quoted both Fuego and florduh where they are basically saying that we should be loved for who we are, not for what someone else expects or wants us to be. And I truly believe that. No one should feel this way:

They will never understand what I went through trying to be the perfect daughter and tow the line on religion. I take responsibility for that, but this approach has basically ruined my life in some ways.

Unfortunately, as I read your post, I see my future. My mother lives less than 20 miles from me. She loves seeing me at church every Sunday morning and she is going to put unbearable pressure on me once I tell her I do not believe in god, and that I am not going to attend church any longer. Once I commit to that, every conversation, every phone call, every visit that I have with my mother will center around her trying to prove me wrong. Like your parents, she will send tracts through the mail and most likely she will rally friends and family to do the same. I feel absolutely sick as I write this.

 

Like you, I know she will love me, but she will never approve or understand. I need to spend some time preparing myself for the assault and practicing my response. Otherwise, she will most likely make my life a living hell!!!

 

I would love to hear more about how you do interact with your parents. I’m curious about what and how much you do share with them.

 

Don’t be sorry about the heavy tone of your post. I think these issues are exactly why this site exists and for me, it is tremendously helpful to know that I am not the only person who has these challenges. Take care. I look forward to hearing more from you!

[noob]

Heather, I think a thread for middle aged women and their mother issues is a super idea! I have seriously considered keeping my non-believer status a secret to keep from hurting my mom. Unfortunately, she is so close that I would have to continue to actually live the lie and attend church every week if I did that. I don't think it would be a healthy option for me. I totally agree with you:

It's sad... but that's the way it is.

Thank you for your post. We'll talk again!!!

[Deva]

I would love to hear more about how you do interact with your parents. I’m curious about what and how much you do share with them.

 

Thank you for your response and understanding noob.

 

I suppose due to geographical distance there is not as much communication as there could be. Our telephone conversations are usually along the same lines- my job, my cat, finances, stuff going on at my house, my car, nothing deep or meaningful. My mother has always put forth some effort to understand me, I will give her some credit for that. Its not easy for them, because I am very introverted. Our lives are very different. My mother was a housewife, I have to hold a full time job, she has been married 50 plus years and I am divorced with no children, so there are many differences. There is an absolute block when it comes to religion, and it is by far the most important thing in my mother's life. For my mother, truth is the Baptist, Jerry Falwell- type stuff. Women are viewed as lower forms of life, especially divorced women like myself. "creation" science, etc., requiring a person to check their brain at the door. My mother always attended independent churches because denominations like the Southern Baptists "compromised" the faith. Its very extreme, I really can't stand it, and I don't believe any of it now. Along with it is the whole Republican party extreme conservative political agenda. My last try at it was in 1991. My father is a deacon.

 

Yes, in the early 1990s I left the Baptist Church for good. The last time I mentioned religion to my mother I told her I was going to a Unitarian Church and my parents lived close by. She said something like "I don't like that" or "I don't approve of that." Later, in the mid '90s I joined the Episcopal Church. I even persuaded my parents to attend one service with me. I was excited and thought I had found a compromise, some way I could deal with Christianity myself and also have some parental approval. Sadly, it was not to be. They still believed I was "unsaved". Not that they said anything directly. Their silence spoke louder than words. I saw my name written on my mother's prayer list. It is a liberal church and to my parents they are just as hellbound as atheists, Unitarians and any other religion.

 

Its a fact that I could be very successful in every other respect in life--financially secure, good job, do good things-- but it is never enough so long as I am "lost". This quest for parental approval - its very unsuccessful. Yet I still don't want to hurt them. They do care about me, but they don't approve of me.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I’m going to ask Fuego if I can engrave his words on a medallion to wear around my neck:

I refuse to submit to religious rules and expectations from those who claim to love me. Either love me as I am or leave me alone.

 

(In his best televangelist voice) For a love-gift offering of only $50, this lovely gold medallion can be yours to ward off the forces of ignorance and stupidity. Call now, 1-666-GOD-GOLD...

 

 

Thanks for the kudos, and yes you can. Though it might be better to engrave it on a sledgehammer.

[noob]

Oh, DevaLight – I read this and I just want to hug you! In some ways, your situation is so much like mine, it’s eerie. My mom is also a housewife, and I have to work full-time (in fact, I have made so many poor financial decisions in my life, I will probably have to work until I die), my parents will be married 55 years this month and I have been divorced once, do not live with my second husband and I never had a child, although I did raise my nephew.

 

On the other hand, we are very different. Although I was shy when I was young, at some point, I became quite the extrovert. I have a lot of friends and most of them are not friends from church although I do have a couple of those. And, I am very much my father’s favorite child. So, even though I fear hurting my mother I do not have any concerns about them not approving of me. I know my mom will not approve of my decision, but for some reason that does not bother me nearly as much as how hurt she will be.

 

Since I haven’t experienced your interaction with your parents, it is tough to see how their lack of approval comes across to you. It is obvious to me that you are extremely intelligent and I suspect you have lots of positive things going for you. Is it possible that they do not actually disapprove of you as a person; they just disapprove of this one area of your life? You say religion is absolutely the most important thing in your mother’s life, but is it possible that you are expecting her to disapprove and so you see more than is actually there? Can they disapprove of your religious choice but still approve of you?

 

I really admire your strength of character to make your own choices and to be honest with your parents about those choices. And, it just seems to me that as parents, even though it may be unspoken, they may also admire you for that. More than anything, I certainly hope you are happy with yourself and proud of the fact that you are living your life the way you choose, not according to someone else’s plan!! I wish you all the best as you continue to deal with such an important relationship issue. Take care.

[noob]

I’m going to ask Fuego if I can engrave his words on a medallion to wear around my neck:

I refuse to submit to religious rules and expectations from those who claim to love me. Either love me as I am or leave me alone.

 

(In his best televangelist voice) For a love-gift offering of only $50, this lovely gold medallion can be yours to ward off the forces of ignorance and stupidity. Call now, 1-666-GOD-GOLD...

 

 

Thanks for the kudos, and yes you can. Though it might be better to engrave it on a sledgehammer.

 

Thank you, Fuego!!! I could almost hear the sound of that infomercial!! And, although I agree that a sledgehammer might be more appropriate, I think I would quickly tire with a sledgehammer hanging around my neck!

[PIRACYs LADY]

Noob,

Remember the advice you gave me about not having to be the strong one all the time and that it was ok to ask for help? I know that you are the "Go To" girl in your family also and trying to please everyone seems to just come right along with it. Don't be scared to not be so strong. Your family loves you. And first and foremost I would think they would want your happiness above all else. You are a wonderfull person with so many great qualities about you. Please take the advice you gave to me. Now on the other hand I am scard shitless of my mother and what she thinks too,soooooo believe me I am working on taking that advice. I wish you all the best and am so glad you put your story up.

HUGS!!!

[Guest The Truth]

NOOB, listen

 

Remainder of egregious preaching post deleted.

[florduh]

Dear "Truth"

 

Your post is out of place here. Go find another mission field.

 

 

And don't call her "sister."

 

 

This post was self-edited due to my rage.

[Vomit Comet]

It is a liberal church and to my parents they are just as hellbound as atheists, Unitarians and any other religion.

 

When I was yet a believer, I believed that the liberal Christians would get worse treatment in hell than atheists, satanists, etc., because of how badly they had watered down and distorted the gospel while presenting it as the real deal. At least the atheists and satanists were opposing God upfront and honestly, whereas the liberal Christians were like unwitting "useful idiots" for satan who had actually done more damage than the atheists (in this country, at least) or satanists could hope to do. So I figured that in hell the pitchfork destined to be shoved up their asses would be extra wide, heated to orange hot instead of just red hot, and with jagged, serrated edges.