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Goodbye Jesus

Everyday I'm Alive


PocketAces

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The most atheist I become. Strange thought on how one can be more set each day your alive in a view your already set with.

 

Atheism, for me gave me back the sense of personal accountability. I will not be the one to say that religion takes it away. In some ways it does, but people live productive lives with religion. I do not know why I didn't, and I don't know why it wasn't until the past 2 years, the first time I have felt that I was living, productively.

 

All this said, I am writing this more out of vent and frustration with a specific area of frustration in my life. My family life.

 

Father on his 5th wife now, mother has had 2 marriages fail, b/f after b/f after b/f. She's in a relationship now that seems to be going well.

 

My father has had a lot of problems in his past. He went to Vietnam, lost his first wife because he acknowledged the draft. Got involved with drugs, and it didn't stop till 1991. My mother and him were married for 18 years. They fought a lot. My father grew drugs in the house we lived in, verbal abuse which lead to one time he hit her. My mother admits to making mistakes involving their marriage. Never said what though. So they divorced.

Years to come him and I had a turbulant relationship if you will. Many times the law had to be called on us and him. We have never been able to, together build a good relationship still. Truth be told, I am 27 and I still don't know how to relate to him, or go to him with things.

 

So why post this here?

 

When i came to the faith, heaven and hell didn't lead me to Christianity. sins, or immorality didn't lead me to the faith. Hell, at the age of 12 how could one seriously comprehend such ideas as that?

 

I was told that God was our Heavenly Father, our Abba. Sinning didn't make any sense to me. Heaven and hell didn't make any sense to me. The idea of having a father that you could look up to, did. That made sense, and seemed more relevant. I could relate to that. God doesn't yell. God never screamed at you or broke into your house to take you away, God never kicked out of His house. God never stalked the house. He never calls you a worthless piece of shit.

 

At the age of 12, this seemed pretty good. A lot of those incidents I mentioned above, happened over the course of my teen years, but what it did was, it engrained even deeper that idea of God as the Good Father, the Good Daddy.

 

As I grew older, I lost relation to that idea. You begin to deal with your issues caused from your upbringing. The idea of God being My Daddy, My Father, lost its lusture(sp?). Of course I believed as a Christian that God was our Heavenly Father, but that belief became alien to me. It seemed like God was off somewhere else, even though the Holy Spirit is suppose to be here, but the Trinity affirmed this alienation feeling I had. God the Father, God the Son, God the Spirit, all being God, but like water, having 3 seperate uses, or parts. Water can be turned into ice, or leave it as water, or steam. 3 used for different purposes but all being still water, but water at different states. That was the foundation of my faith tho, God being My Father.

 

Now I am atheist. Like I said in the beginning of this post, it seems everyday I am alive, I am reminded for no reason, or no purpose to serve, why I am atheist, and the strong conviction becomes more and more stronger everyday.

 

Because now I look back, and regret ever mentally substituting, an idea as my father, and not my actual father. I am older now, I still can relate to the idea of, having a father in my life. As a child, I purposively shut that out, because of all the things that happened me growing up, what happened between him and my mom. I don't justify any wrong that man has done, but I just wish I would have had the intellect when I was younger to not run to fantasies, illusions that made me feel better, because now, I am older, and I understand why things went as they did. He's a changed man now. I find him to be one of the wisest men I have ever known. He treats his wife now like she is gold, better than any of his wives he's ever had. He's so good to her, and who he is, has just evolved so much. Yet his son seems to be still moving a little slow.

 

I know I've gotten over the past. I've stripped away all the lies that I have believed in. I just haven't found the ability yet to be active in him and I's relationship. It fucking pisses me off everytime I think about it. It makes me regret so much, and I hate regretting. I only have a few things I regret in my life, not because of what those choices did to me, but because of what those choices I did, did to other people. I have been able to justify so much fucking bullshit with beliefs in God, Christianity, and I just shake my head now, hoping that there is a way to make it all right again.

 

So I am going to email him and see if he wants to come up for dinner this Thursday and try to start over. I am not telling any of this to him, unless it somehow by some strange event comes into discussion. I honestly couldn't imagine how. I have been overly stressed with things currently going on in my life, and all that time, I had him right there trying, until he did the most logical thing, is to give up until I come back around. Only so long can someone trying to show one's there, till they realize they are backing up at the wrong tree. I really don't to talk about the problems recently with him. He knows them already but, the one issue is just getting worse and I hate talking about it. So I am hoping he takes the offer up, because I am a man with too much pride and ego, and I find it hard to even pick up the phone call because I do feel ashamed but I have to do something, so I am doing the easier thing to get it started, and then take the full nine route when the time comes, and just deal with it in a process.

 

Sorry for a vent and I am just curious, has anyone here had a bad family life that somehow either by your own choices, or just the affects that religion can have on the mind and emotions, did it ever substitute the problem, or the people?

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Atheism, for me gave me back the sense of personal accountability. I will not be the one to say that religion takes it away. In some ways it does, but people live productive lives with religion. I do not know why I didn't, and I don't know why it wasn't until the past 2 years, the first time I have felt that I was living, productively.

I can recognize that. I think it has to do with which kind of version of Christianity you're involved in. Some might be teaching more of personal responsibility for the things in your life. The kind of Church I used to belong to relied a lot on miracles and prayer. If things went wrong, it was because you didn't pray enough, God couldn't answer because of your sin, or you didn't have enough faith. Not that you screwed up and had to fix it yourself. So the cult I was in definitely removed personal action. Not until I lost my faith did I start to work on my own solutions. Terrible. A whole life as a Holy Bum, trusting some magical, invisible creature, to solve my problems.

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Atheism, for me gave me back the sense of personal accountability. I will not be the one to say that religion takes it away. In some ways it does, but people live productive lives with religion. I do not know why I didn't, and I don't know why it wasn't until the past 2 years, the first time I have felt that I was living, productively.

I can recognize that. I think it has to do with which kind of version of Christianity you're involved in. Some might be teaching more of personal responsibility for the things in your life. The kind of Church I used to belong to relied a lot on miracles and prayer. If things went wrong, it was because you didn't pray enough, God couldn't answer because of your sin, or you didn't have enough faith. Not that you screwed up and had to fix it yourself. So the cult I was in definitely removed personal action. Not until I lost my faith did I start to work on my own solutions. Terrible. A whole life as a Holy Bum, trusting some magical, invisible creature, to solve my problems.

that's exactly how i feel about my past at times.

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that's exactly how i feel about my past at times.

And it sucks, doesn't it? Big time. 30 years I could have spent building a better career and focused on education. But instead I trusted the holy, imaginary, magical being somehow make it all better for me. Since he didn't, I know my belief was wrong. Now at least I know who to blame when something goes wrong, and it's usually me. Instead of blaming the Devil and demons for a car breaking down, or gas running out, or getting a cold, I'm starting to plan and counter possible scenarios of problems. Imagine that. Taking charge over ones own life. What a concept!

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Hello PocketAces! As I read your post I had so many thoughts race through my head and so many things I would like to say to you.

 

I am going to start with the idea of god as your father. I believe that is one of the reasons that I wanted the bible to be true. In my real life, I had a father who was emotionally unavailable during my youth. So there was a huge appeal to a father who was always there and who loved me unconditionally. But… unfortunately, he turned out to be even more unavailable than my biological father. I am finding myself feeling relieved to let go of the lie.

 

Next, I just hope you realize that your biological father probably loves you as much as he can. I am married to a Vietnam veteran and he is emotionally damaged and unable to truly love someone. I am his third wife and we don't live together because he says I cause him too much stress. Alcohol is his drug of choice. I believe if he were able to love, he would love me, but his emotional damage runs deep. Just recognizing that the problem lies within him and it is not a reflection on me is also a relief. Good luck with your dad. I found it very helpful to read about PTSD in dealing with my husband. It doesn’t make the situation any better, but I think it helps to have an understanding of how people can be affected by traumatic experiences.

 

I have innumerable family issues and at times in my life, I practically sacrificed myself at the altar of their illnesses. However, as I get older and as I learn to love myself and rely on myself for my own happiness, I find that it is becoming easier and easier to shrug my shoulders and say, “It’s their fucking problem, not mine.” I still love them, but I don’t expend any of my energy waiting for them to do anything or be anything to me. I take what they can offer, I protect myself from giving too much to them, and I strive to keep learning how to rely on myself and make myself happy. I feel tremendously relieved now that I have let go of the idea that my happiness is somehow dependent on my relationship with a supernatural being.

 

I wish you the best with your dad!!!

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I think it's very brave and mature of you to make this overture to your father, PocketAces. No matter how it turns out, you'll always have the knowledge that you reached out for healing, and that can only be a good thought to carry with you.

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that's exactly how i feel about my past at times.

And it sucks, doesn't it? Big time. 30 years I could have spent building a better career and focused on education. But instead I trusted the holy, imaginary, magical being somehow make it all better for me. Since he didn't, I know my belief was wrong. Now at least I know who to blame when something goes wrong, and it's usually me. Instead of blaming the Devil and demons for a car breaking down, or gas running out, or getting a cold, I'm starting to plan and counter possible scenarios of problems. Imagine that. Taking charge over ones own life. What a concept!

i feel the same. all the time i wasted away in pointless sadness, maybe even depression, i'm not sure about the depression because the last thing i'm gonna do is assumed i've batteled something that i've never been diagnosed with, but back to the point, all those days that i felt so conflicted with what to do with my life and myself, my family, the whole time i missed the point. told God will guide you and lead you. hell even being told that from a woman that supposedly saw the hand of God over me. i waited and waited. did what every other believer did, justified the stupid things i tried for with scripture, inner-feelings, emotions entailing some divine creator, it makes me want to kick myself in the ass.

 

i should have known it was bullshit when i justified all the stupid shit i've done with, "there's a reason for it all and God knows what that is, and God is leading me there." its kind of like the anthem of the loser still trying to see a way that he won.

 

but i just try to remember that now, i've obtained a good job, held this job for about 4-5 years now. making something of myself now. been thinking about further education. nothing planned yet, just now seriously pondering the idea about how it could help with what i do now for a living and get back to things that i used to love doing. things like writing and playing music. my main goal right now is to hold the job i have and then also, have a hobby that i pursue part-time if you will. so i want to write, trying to get better at playing the music i love and just live a life that is charged with just living and purusing things that i love in the most realistic ways while still living a productive life.

 

to the rest of the thread:

thank you for all your awesome responses thus far. i really appreciate it...a lot. i don't have the time right now to comment to everything but i will try in due time tomorrow. :)

 

btw, my dad is taking me up on my offer. we've fought a lot as mentioned, but in the email he said, the steak is on him, so this time, i'm hoping the only thing we fight about is who takes the bill. :)

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so the time spent is over. we spent about 3 1/2 hours together at a restaurant we both loved. it went great. it sucked knowing how much my absence really hurt my father. we seemed like to typical men sitting in his truck after dinner. he was trying to hold back tears, and i was just taking it all in and wishing i would have been a more of mature son. and then of course me, the typical guy trying to not think that i actually did hurt him but showing my frustration that i did, and only reaffirming that all i want to do is just make it right.

 

it was a great talk and a great time. i really wish i wouldn't have been stupid all the years before, or even this year. but alas, can't undo the past, and all one can do is just apologize and do better with the time given.

 

so it went great, and i was so glad it happened.

 

so on that note, let's end this post with something i consider funny and totally off-topic:

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I'm really happy for you that it went so well!!! :grin:

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good good...bravo

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How great for both of you!

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