My Awakening

[MaleficVTwin]

My name is Matt, I'm 34 years old and I was a Christian until February 2008.

 

 

Not entirely, I guess. My faith in the Bible had pretty much crumbled years ago. But let me start a little earlier.

 

I was raised Christian, baptized at only a few days old. I went to private schools off and on throughout my school career, believing what I was told because adults were saying it so it must be true, right?

 

I went to church every Sunday with my mom and grandparents. My dad almost never went, and I wondered why I couldn't just stay home with him. Not an option. I went to church. I had to. It was not an option to not go until I was in my mid-teens, after that it church was strongly encouraged.

 

I never really liked it, sitting still for an hour like that. I remember some of the old people would glare at me if I made any noise, which scared me because I figured if they were upset, God must be furious. I had more than one nightmare about Hell because I had been disruptive in church.

 

Despite this I never felt my upbringing was abusive. Granted, when I was a shit my mother would say something like "What would Jesus think of this?" I always thought that was odd since Jesus was said to be able to see us at all times, and the question was presented in the same tone as "If your father was here......" Ah well, she did a pretty good job with me and my siblings despite her belief which she still holds today. My brother and sister are both atheists by the way.

 

I started to question my belief in my mid teens. I was fascinated by science, biology especially. What I was learning in public school and on my own did not fit with the Bible, so I asked at church how that could be. That was the first time I heard the word 'heretic' and I wondered why my pastor was so upset with me for asking what I thought was a genuine question. So I bottled it up for the next few years, but kept reading as much as I could on biology and evolution. It just made sense to me, yet it scared me as well because it made no mention of God, and I just knew he had to have a hand in it somewhere. After all, how could he not have? He was the creator of it all. This led me to 'compartmentalize' my faith from science. What else could I do? The doubts, however were already taking root.

 

I continued to believe in God all through my twenties simply because I thought the alternative was unthinkable. I didn't really live like a Christian though. I went to church from time to time, mostly to appease my mom. I dressed nice when I went, tried to watch my mouth and left my smokes in the car. On the drive home I would talk out loud to God wondering why I bothered, and whether he even cared. I'm sure you can imagine the answer I got.

 

I wont bore you with the excruciating minutia of my late twenties/early thirties. Not a whole lot went on pertaining to leaving the church. I will just fast forward to February '08.

 

 

It took the death of a 19 year old girl to jerk me into reality. No, I didn't kill her and she would likely have died whether or not I had faith. But die she did. She was kidnapped from a friends' house in late January and was a hot news topic for nearly a month(she was cute, that helped). Every church in town was praying for her, as was I. We all wanted her safe return. I figured if there was anything to the power of prayer she would be found safe and unhurt. An entire city praying. Surely God could hear!

 

Her body was found in a field. She had been raped, then strangled and dumped. The ridiculousness of my prayers didn't hit me right away. I just felt sad for her family and friends who were shown crying on the news every few minutes. I thought of my sister who is only a few years older than this girl, and I empathized with these people over their loss.

 

My epiphany came several days later. There was a news piece about her that mentioned praying to God that her attacker was found. I thought "Come on, God. You could have kept her safe. At least come through with this." Then it hit me. It hit me hard.

 

HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT!!! He isn't there! He never was!

 

I'm pretty sure my whole body jerked like I'd been hit with a cattle prod, because my cat jumped off my lap and ran away and I knocked my beer out of my hand on the edge of my end table, spilling it all over the carpet. I sat there feeling a bit numb, then I thought about all the prayers I had said that could have and should have been answered. I thought about all the rationalizing I had done to fit faith and science into the same brain. I thought about all of the Christian apologizing I had done to myself and to others to make it "fit". I thought about a lot more than I can really go into in one post, but suffice to say I reflected on how much of my life had been wasted on religion. I felt sick, then I felt angry. Then I cried. I yelled, but at no one in particular. I wanted to call my mom and tell her off for deluding me all these years, but I managed to refrain. Eventually I just turned off the TV and sat there with my head in my hands for a long time. On one hand I felt clear headed like I never had before, on the other hand I felt like I'd been robbed. I finally just went to bed.

 

It's been almost ten months since that night, and I'm happy about ridding myself of delusion. I'm happy that I don't need a "heavenly father" to make moral choices. I'm happy to look at the world and realize that there is no need for the supernatural. The natural is fantastic enough by itself. I can look at evolution without feeling conflicted. This is what I've been looking for. I just had to get rid of the original instructions to find it.

 

One thing that surprised me after discarding faith is this: I no longer have nightmares. I used to have the worst dreams about once a week, horrible imagery of death and horror and blood that would torture me in my sleep and then keep me awake for the rest of the night once I finally woke up. I avoided horror movies like the plague because I thought they started it. I was wrong. I haven't had a nightmare since February and I think I know why.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[MaleficVTwin]

I should add that I didn't know the girl that was killed. Reading through my post I can see that I didn't make that entirely clear.

[Ouroboros]

Welcome Matt,

 

Good to have you here, and I'm glad you also found out the truth about religion--that it's not true. Unfortunately, sometimes knowing the truth isn't easy nor is it accepted in society, but here's a place we understand, since we're in the same seat.

[Emme]

Hi Matt!

[GraphicsGuy]

One thing that surprised me after discarding faith is this: I no longer have nightmares. I used to have the worst dreams about once a week, horrible imagery of death and horror and blood that would torture me in my sleep and then keep me awake for the rest of the night once I finally woke up. I avoided horror movies like the plague because I thought they started it. I was wrong. I haven't had a nightmare since February and I think I know why.

 

Yup. If "faith" was any kind of a stress-factor that could have/would have caused your subconscious to bring it out in your dreams.

[MaleficVTwin]

Thanks guys.