Explaining Death To A Child As An Ex-christian

[Neon Genesis]

The Friendly Atheist blog had this interesting entry today dealing with the question as to how do you explain death to a child as an atheist?

http://friendlyatheist.com/6824/how-much-god-is-too-much/ My colleague Margaret Watson warned me against filling Zoe’s young head with Godless thoughts.

 

Margaret’s dad died when she was nine, and her faith was a great comfort for her, because she could believe that he was waiting for her in heaven.

 

“And, being Catholic,” she said, “It meant that there was still someone I could call Father.”

 

I can’t argue with that. You’d have to be a brutally militant atheist to tell an orphaned child that we die and that’s it.

 

That Margaret was nine when she lost her father had a particular resonance for me because nine was the most difficult age of my life. Nothing bad happened. Nobody died. But I did a lot of thinking and came up against the immovable object of mortality.

As a Christian, all you had to do to explain where a loved one after they died to a child was to tell them they're in heaven with God, but how do you explain death to a child as an ex-Christian? Do you frankly tell them they're dead and you'll never see them again or do you lie and say they're in heaven to help comfort the child? Or do you try to explain that they're dead but nobody knows what happens in the afterlife? The blog entry focused on atheists, but I also think it would be interesting to hear what ex-Christians who still believe in the afterlife but believe in a different one from Christianity tell the child. Also, what if you're an ex-Christian in the closet and a child asks you where a deceased loved one was at? Do you lie to the child to hide where yourself but risk indoctrinating the child with false beliefs or do you risk coming out by telling the child the truth?

[Robbobrob]

My son is at an age where he questions me about the big things (and small) of life. He is 7 years old.

 

I tell him that many people have many ideas about what happens after death, whether there is a spirit realm, and all of that.

 

And, see, I just danced around the question raised in the article, because it is a bad question.......if you intend to teach a child about death....don't wait until someone very close to them dies.....it is too late then for such a big conversation. That conversation should have happened in bits and pieces over time....according to the developmental age of the child.

[Etchison]

Sometimes kids are more resilient than we think.

 

My best friend died five years ago. I just told my kids that he was dead. I also told them that it didn't *feel* like he was dead, and that in my mind, Steve was still alive and I could imagine myself talking to him. Our memories keep people alive. And our memory of that person can allow us to continue benefitting from who they were.

 

All truth. Worked just fine.

[Roan7995]

Telling the truth gives them less reason to resent you. You could just say "people go back to the earth they came from."

[Asimov]

Ask em what they think happens...

 

Or you could just tell em in a nice way what you think. I like the way Etchison did it.

[OpheliaGinger]

You can just tell them that the person who died is just asleep but can not be awakened.

[Guest Trutia]

I would tell that we are incomplete,and when we die we become complete,perfect.And death is a beginning of a new life:)

Maybe I would say that:)

[upstarter]

One of the very first posts I posted on Ex-C was about this very topic. This is one of the things about being atheist that is really difficult. I have told my children that death is the end and that we go back to the earth and we help things grow. I have also told them that there are people who believe other things about what happens after death but that this is what I believe. I admit, this is one of the toughest conversations I've had to have with my kids.

 

Heather

[Loren]

Sometimes kids are more resilient than we think.

 

My best friend died five years ago. I just told my kids that he was dead. I also told them that it didn't *feel* like he was dead, and that in my mind, Steve was still alive and I could imagine myself talking to him. Our memories keep people alive. And our memory of that person can allow us to continue benefitting from who they were.

 

All truth. Worked just fine.

Years ago, I read about a culture the identity of which escapes me (I tried to google for it, but came up with nothing. I tend to think it was one of the African cultures.) who taught that a person isn't truly dead until the last person who had personal memories of them has died. I was struck by how it was both realistic in a practical sense and still a very lovely way of looking at it. I forgot the source, but I've never forgotten the idea. It really made an impression on me.

[pitchu]

I guess life and death issues are easier for children to grasp in agrarian societies, where they see examples regularly. In modern urban society we're so shielded from death that children usually see examples of it only on TV and in movies -- not the most realistic exposure.

 

I agree with Robbobrob that the idea of death should be an ongoing part of conversation with a child, according to the child's age, awareness, and examples appropriate to his/her understanding. If a goldfish or a hamster dies, this is a time to talk and to ask the child for his/her thoughts as well. Most of all, I think it's important to stress the normalcy of the death of a living being. Most any child can grasp that some things "just are the way they are" without our placing a tag of good or bad on the event, without coming up with fantasy reassurances, while still validating the child's sense of loss and/or need to grieve.

 

All of this can be done within the framework of instilling in the child the sense of giving honor to life itself.

[Amethyst]

Depends on how old the child is.

 

I like the "we all eventually become stardust/part of the universe" approach.

[WCrystal]

I think children of all ages should be told about how every living thing will experience death and that it's a natural process of life. The whole concept of "afterlife" can be summed up by saying to the child that there are many views about what happens to the person after death, and that the child can believe whatever s/he wants to regarding that aspect.

[Tealeaf]

As a child raised without the influence of religion and being only 19 years old at the moment, I suggest honesty as the best policy. Your children will understand faster and respect you in time as I now respect my parents in that manner.

 

Between 5 and 9 I had some pretty close family members die (grandma and grandpa, etc.) but before that I was already equiped with the reality of death. Not that even these people were really close to me (aside from having a direct hand in my existance), I was still quite content when their deaths arrived. I had already been told I was going to die as everything does and I would decompose in the ground soon after. That was around 4-5 years old right before school first started. I figured, so be it. There is so much more on your mind at that age that death is hardly (and should not be) any of your concern. I mean come on, why the fuck would you want your 4 or 5 year old thinking that much about death.... It's the prime time of LIFE!

 

The earlier you tell them about the reality of death the better. From personal experience, if the idea of some kind of baseless bullshit afterlife or whatever is never implanted, it won't be a problem. I never thought of where my grandma was "going" when I glanced down at here lifeless corpse. I had never been made to think anything like that so it didn't trouble me. I realized she was old and it was her time to die and basically return to the earth she is/was made of. There was no good reason to make up some reason for an afterlife. I saw her right there, DEAD. That's it, game over. From the very first time I ever discussed this with my dad, I've been given and seen no other reason to think that anything else happens besides that of your corpse rotting in the ground when death arrives. It won't discust any child as long as they are fairly young before you tell them this. Like someone stated earlier, here in North America especially, people are way too sheltered from death. It's completely ridiculous because it's the one thing we all have in common and can't escape. For me anyway, once I realized this it made life all the more special.

 

Now in my opinion, the idea that said dead relative is "watching over you" just creeps me right out and I have no idea why anyone thinks this could be good to tell a child. Especially now, being the teenaged male I am....there are certainly some things for my eyes....or only another set(s ) of unrelated female eyes to see! Telling a child the dead can "watch over you" sounds very dangerous to me.