Why Is It That The Heart Can Put Up Such A Fight Against The Head?

[HelloWorld]

I have decided in my head that I am no longer a Catholic or a Christian.

 

But if I stop actively telling myself I do not believe, all of my previous beliefs and ways of thinking come right back as it nothing happened. They are all still there, locked behind some huge dam or something. Will they ever go away? Coming home for Christmas after having been away for an entire year at school makes it even worse. My mom and my sisters are hardcore Catholics, and everything around here just makes it that much easier to fall back into everything. I know it is probably just psychology, but still. It is really disconcerting and difficult to deal with.

 

As I have mentioned numerous times before, I feel that in denying Christianity, I am shutting off this huge part of who I am. The moment I try to let myself fall into peace, the dam holding everything back automatically falls, and I find myself right back inside Catholicism.

 

Maybe I am not really a non believer?

 

Does anyone have similar experiences?

[Looking4Answers]

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I have spent almost two decades in the Christian faith and now, at the age of 42, I find myself trying to figure out just who I am. I had recently de-converted back in August/September. When I am confronted with believing that something is right or wrong, I often have to stop myself and ask, "Why is that "right" or "wrong"?" In other words, I check myself to see if it is really something I "believe" of if it was something that was drilled into my head by years of brainwashing via Christianity. Now I get to decide for myself what is right and wrong and, better yet, why.

 

One thing that I started to think about is this concept of the "heart". You bring this up in your post. You ask why the heart battles so hard against the head. I think we need to come to realize that there is no "heart". And what I mean by that is there there is not second area of thinking and reasoning that is opposed to the brain. In Christianity they often talk about the difference between intellectual assent (understanding with the mind) and true belief (understanding with the heart) is 18 inches (the average difference in distance from the heart to the brain). While Christians don't believe the actual "blood pump" to be a center of thinking, I think those of us that have come out of Christianity have been influenced by this kind of teaching. We automatically assume that we are all schizophrenic people ... split personalities of the brain and the heart.

 

What I think is really going on is that we have a mess of information in our heads and a slew of habits that we have become accustomed to. When we start to buck against that, a conflict arises that we have to sort out. If we don't deal with it head on, then we are sure to see this conflict arise again.

 

For example, one thing that I struggled with early on in my de-conversion was my prayer life. I had been taught that I needed to be in constant communication with god. As a result, when anything good happened, I would immediately think or say, "Praise God!" or "Praise the Lord!" When a bad thing would happen I would stop and pray, asking god for guidance, confessing sin and generally pleading with god for wisdom about the situation. I was taught that god was just as concerned with the small things as the big (since he is supposed to be omnipotent, then small things and big things weren't really any different to him) and so I would even pray about things like traffic jams, clogged sinks ... everything! Once I de-converted I found that my mind still wanted to sing out a praise for good things that happened and cry out when bad things happened. I had to forcefully break that habit (which is all it was ... a habit).

 

I also had filled my head with hymns. I still sometimes find myself humming one and I force myself to think of some secular song instead in order to drive the hymn away (sort of like someone might exercise a demon ).

 

The point being, I think we need to examine our thought life and compare it to what we know. We cannot just lock away a thought or a habit of thought. Especially if it has been developed over years. Habits, in and of themselves, are hard to get rid of. Not only do you typically have to stop the old habit, but you usually need to replace it with another. Locked up thoughts have a way of rearing their ugly heads ... and this can often happen when you don't want them to. Imagine that you start to feel lonely (this is typical during this time of the year) and then, all of a sudden, you remember what it was like to be in church with all the people that "loved" you, etc. This can bring back other church related memories, etc. The next thing we know, we are wondering if we made the right decision ... wondering what is true and what is not.

 

We don't need to lock away these thoughts. That only gives them a safe place to hide and ride out the storm so that they can creep forth another day. We need to confront them dead on and do so with truth.

 

I don't know if any of this helps, but that was my intention (to help).

[BlueGiant]

How long have you been a Catholic? How long has it been since you deconverted? In my case it was years of Catholoic indoctrination (as well as the more fundagelical forms of Christianity from other relatives) that had to be undone. In a way, it is conditioning. It does get better with time, and it can take some effort, to undo that much programming.

 

Some here have gone back and forth in their deconversions for various reasons.

 

As far as shutting out a part of yourself, well, I'm going to hazard a guess and suggest that your religion was not only a large part of your identity, but was a large part of the basis of it, key to defining yourself. In a way, you are ripping that out, and that can put people in a scary place (it sure as hell did it for me). It was time, a lot of research and a lot of hard questions that I had to ask myself to get past that.

[Roan7995]

A lot of Jews hold onto their practices as part of their ethnicity, but they are really nonbelievers. Catholicism is a huge religion with lots of ways to recapture doubters. If you follow your personal convictions, you will not mourn the part of you that was lost by deconverting -- you will create a new, better you.

[HelloWorld]

How long have you been a Catholic? How long has it been since you deconverted? In my case it was years of Catholoic indoctrination (as well as the more fundagelical forms of Christianity from other relatives) that had to be undone. In a way, it is conditioning. It does get better with time, and it can take some effort, to undo that much programming.

 

Some here have gone back and forth in their deconversions for various reasons.

 

As far as shutting out a part of yourself, well, I'm going to hazard a guess and suggest that your religion was not only a large part of your identity, but was a large part of the basis of it, key to defining yourself. In a way, you are ripping that out, and that can put people in a scary place (it sure as hell did it for me). It was time, a lot of research and a lot of hard questions that I had to ask myself to get past that.

 

I was raised Catholic. I am 21 right now. I only just started "breaking away" this summer. The first time I missed mass on Sunday was sometime in late June. When I did that, I had to force myself not to think about what I was doing, else I felt so guilty. It is kinda like that now. I have to force all thoughts or considerations of faith or religion out of my mind

 

I think that a lot of what keeps people in their faith is indeed habit. If I had not skipped mass that first time, I do not think I would have had the courage to step back and look at things through different lenses. Doing that stuff every single week (sometimes multiple times a week) really reinforces religion, faith, God, etc. I think the RCC knows this when it says that not attending mass on Sunday through your own fault is a mortal sin. When my mom finally finds out about my deconversion (I am starting to drop small hints here and there...nothing big though), she will probably blame it on the fact that I stopped saying a daily rosary when I got to university.

 

I also still find myself asking Jesus to please help me on tests. Or apologizes to God for a "bad" thought.

 

After all of this, it is really so hard to know who I am. Especially when I am back in the environment where I grew up for the holidays with a family that still believes (except my father who never talks about it...probably because my mom forbids him to mention it). I have alreay gotten into several arguments about stuff like evolution and voting. My mom believes that God literally created Eve using a rib from Adam. She thinks that asking questions about our origins is worthless and unimportant because "when I go and meet my maker, it isn't going to matter". I disagreed with her on that count even when I was a Christian. The RCC even says that you can accept evolution...so I don't get why she is so sensitive to it.

 

The other things that really got on my nerves was something my dad said on the weekend. He told my grandfather that he has always encouraged us kids to "think for ourselves". The is a load of bull crap because it certainly doesn't apply in the area of faith. During one of our arguments a couple of days ago, my mom told me that if I ever had a question, all I had to do was go find the answer in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. She told me I would never have to worry about it leading me into error or telling me the wrong thing.

 

Well I am fuckin sick and tired of just believing things because the church says so. If there is a God, he gave me a brain to think. Just letting the church make all of our decisions does not teach us how to be independent people. And I can tell you that my mom and my sister have fallen victim to just that. They are not independent people. I also do not believe that they are being who they really are. They won't support or do or say anything until they look up what the church says. Then, they mold their actions and thoughts to the church.

 

I used to be like that. I refuse to be like that now. I want to think for myself and make my own decisions. My family is telling me that I suddenly seem to rebellious in everything, almost like I have to buck every trend or tradition in every aspect of life. Well, maybe that is true. I was never rebellious as a teenager. I was the perfect poster Catholic adolescent. The one they want everyone to be. The one who suppressed my desires and thought it was cool to be naive and stupid about real matters of life and sexuality. I was sure the church had given me the correct answer to everything, and if something didn't make sense, I just told myself that the church had its reasons.

 

Now I am rebelling. It is about time I come into who I really am. I feel like going against norms in many respects is what I have to do to try to curb the effects of brainwashing. It is like a coping mechanism. You know?

[OnceConvinced]

Perhaps you are still hovering between the denial and acceptance phase. I tend to jump around a bit between denial, anger and acceptance, depending on my mood. The denial is gradually phasing out though, but it's still hard to accept that I was deluded for almost 40 years of my life. I mean, shit... close to 40 years living life as a Christian, believing without questioning, your whole life revolving around God and then you discover that Hello, God wasn't actually there to revolve around? It's a big deal. It's hard to get over that fact.

 

Like Looking4Answers, the habit of being in constant communication with God is a hard one to break. It's hard to get out of the habit of praising God for every little thing and asking for his opinion on everything. (Isn't it amazing how Christians think God is willing to help them with all their little insignifcant issues, when he's not willing to save suffering and starving children? God's priorities seem to be screwed up severely). Like any habit it's hard to break.

[mwc]

As I have mentioned numerous times before, I feel that in denying Christianity, I am shutting off this huge part of who I am. The moment I try to let myself fall into peace, the dam holding everything back automatically falls, and I find myself right back inside Catholicism.

 

Maybe I am not really a non believer?

Reading this and your other post tells me that it's simply a matter of conditioning and time. You're ~20 years "in" but only a few months "out." Many people here went through a period (more than one) where they went back and forth. I took a long time to leave. Overall it was a few years but even after leave I "relapsed" a couple of times for short periods (the second almost doesn't even count since I never stepped in a church that I recall but I sure prayed a lot) and went through a fairly long "indifferent" agnostic type phase where I wasn't ready to give up on God (with a capital "G" and everything). I looked into maybe converting to any number of variations of some judeo-xian type religion and then moved onto other god-isms (deism seemed appealing for awhile). I never went in for the new age stuff. It just never appealed to me.

 

The reason I mention this is it was a better part of the year or so before I just realized that I was really atheist. Some people seem to either find something in that "searching" period or they don't. You're really, really early in this process. Don't feel bad if you get caught up in the religion when you get around your family and the tradition. It's no big deal. I think it's normal even. If your "heart" pulls you back into it odds are your "head" will pull you right back out after awhile (if not right away). You'll probably even realize that the whole thing is even more ridiculous after going back than had you not done it at all (sort of the idea of romanticizing the memory and then seeing it again for what it really is).

 

mwc

[PocketAces]

I have decided in my head that I am no longer a Catholic or a Christian.

 

But if I stop actively telling myself I do not believe, all of my previous beliefs and ways of thinking come right back as it nothing happened. They are all still there, locked behind some huge dam or something. Will they ever go away? Coming home for Christmas after having been away for an entire year at school makes it even worse. My mom and my sisters are hardcore Catholics, and everything around here just makes it that much easier to fall back into everything. I know it is probably just psychology, but still. It is really disconcerting and difficult to deal with.

 

As I have mentioned numerous times before, I feel that in denying Christianity, I am shutting off this huge part of who I am. The moment I try to let myself fall into peace, the dam holding everything back automatically falls, and I find myself right back inside Catholicism.

 

Maybe I am not really a non believer?

 

Does anyone have similar experiences?

when i first admitted to myself that i'm no longer a Christian, and i could look back at the past roughly 4 years of the deconversion process, i became convinced the deconversion takes years at times, to fully erradicate yourself of religion, but the ironic part is, it takes a second to become a believer. that for me was comforting.

 

you do lose a part of yourself when you lose faith. i felt, and still feel that way. i'm 27 and from the age of 12, till 26/27, i was a Christian. even during the deconversion process, i never said i wasn't a Christian. i still prayed, almost everyday. searching and searching as much as i could. my childhood days shaped that identity. everything i stood for was once shaped by this. everything about me was hell-bent around Christianity (no pun intended). hell i look on my arm and see two of my tattoos that have Christian symbolic meaning and nothing is more ironic in my opinion to be an atheist with Christian tattoos on your arms. i didn't get them to be "religious" or "religiously cool", i got them because that's how important my faith was at that time. and now? i can't identity with that anymore.

 

by deconverting that means you lose that identity and you create a new one in a way. you lose the social structure you was so used to having. meaning Christians, and church. only maybe one or two of my old Christian friends seem to care to keep in contact with me. i'm tempted to test this out myself, kind of like a project of mine and that is to go to church one sunday. either the Catholic Church or this church in town that if that last year put on the display sign on april 1st, "the holiday for atheists". i already felt it when i was a Christian in the pentetcostal church. that sense your identity, that belonging, is no more and it is lost and gone.

 

so without going on and on like i am prone to do, i think that's the beauty of deconverting. you lose a huge part of yourself, who you are. i think its beautiful because, when your on the verge of deconverting, or deconverting in a process form, you give up what failed you and you then begin to create your identity around things that don't fail.

 

so i'm not one to say if you are or aren't a true non-believer. my opinion is like i said above, its a process. only you can answer it for yourself. but i wouldn't worry about it. let it pan out as it must but always be honest to yourself about what you believe in.