Difficult Time With Parents

[Guest Nectar]

I'm having a difficult time with my parents (who were Pentecostal before turning into Non-Denominational, and according to them, Non-Religious Christians). I was born into a Christian family, and for most of my (short) life I was a Born-Again Christian, until this year.

 

As I was always asking questions (and almost never getting - adequate - answers from Christianity), I slowly came to the logical conclusion that religion is a pile of bullshit and that God doesn't exist. Unfortunately I'm still 17 and (very) dependent on my parents, who are not taking my de-conversion very well (or very seriously, they think that I still believe; my mother was doing one of those faith proclaiming that "my son will still serve god..." things and my father got really angry, which is something he never does).

 

Also, after telling my old Christian friends that I'm an Atheist, I've stirred up a hornets nest, and payed for it by having all of them invade my personal life with their advice on how I should and shouldn't live my life. They say that I'm only pretending to not believe in God, in order to enjoy the 'sins' of this world. They still insist that I secretly believe in God; they act as if they know 100% what I'm thinking about, even better than I know it myself.

 

What can I do to make life easier myself, and my family? (screw old friends, they're not important)

 

The only choice I see for myself is to move far away as soon as I turn 18, which is this summer.

[Thurisaz]

Hey Nectar, I don't think we met before

 

That said, I'm afraid it's indeed either wait (grinding your teeth all the time) until you're of legal age and then leave the madhouse you grew up in, or maybe... just maybe... ask your "parents" (Ha!) the question whether an old book full of very dubious content is really worth more to them than their own child.

 

The situation surely sucks, no way around that. I don't have much personal experience with morontheism (fortunately), but based on what I learned so far I'm afraid it's pretty much the two options just mentioned

[jdog]

Hi Nectar

It's a shame this type of thing happens. I hope that your parents can still see you as 'Nectar' (don't know what your real name is), that you are still their son, a young man, who has a whole personality who has likes and dislikes, interests and so on. Somehow there is a disconnect when there are differences in beliefs. It's like you are now the non believing son, and everything revolves around trying to get you to believe again or convincing you still do and totally forgetting that you are a person with thoughts and feelings.

 

So dispite all the craziness, they of course are still your parents, so you can see them as just that. And of course you still have to abide by home rules etc, still be respectful, these are just things to do anyway, And if your dad has these delusional high hopes of you still being the servant of god, then that is his delusion, you know differently right? I don't think there is any point to try and convince them otherwise, I mean you could try and tell them that you are 'Nectar' a person, not their project to be working on to try and manipulate, that there is more to you than just the fact you have changed your mind about xianity, but you know that may not fly so well, I don't know, just let them have there fantasy.

 

I would avoid getting in any type of religious discussion like the plague. If they are parents who make you go to church with them on sunday, then just go and bite the bullet. It sucks I know, but what is the alternative? A big fight? More hassle?

 

You are 17, probably on your way out of the home in the next year or so. You need to start thinking ahead about this, and start preparing to be more independent. So they will not have such a hold over you, especially a financial one. I know the job market isn't so great right now, but I think it will improve.

 

Sorry for the long winded reply. I hope things work out for you.

[Guest Nectar]

Thanks for the friendly replies. *smiles*

 

My parents are all right, and I've always been able to talk to them about anything, until now.

 

I feel so alone, yet more hopeful than I've ever been in xianity. It's just that the Xian Church, and xian family doesn't have counseling for those on the way out. They will gladly make you feel loved when you want in, but as soon as you start to think about leaving (for any reason) they become total assholes.

 

I'll guess I'll just wait; maybe college will be an excuse to move away....

[Amethyst]

I would just avoid any discussion about religion, and save up money to move out. Keep your head down and don't break any rules.

 

You could always pretend to reconvert for while you are still living under their roof, if you think you can do that until you go to college.

[mwc]

What can I do to make life easier myself, and my family? (screw old friends, they're not important)

 

The only choice I see for myself is to move far away as soon as I turn 18, which is this summer.

You've come this far. I say stick to your guns. Tell them that you've made up your mind and that's that. They can accept your decision and keep a relationship with you (sans religion) or not. The choice is theirs. If they wish to keep up the hope that you'll "return to the flock" that's fine but they should keep that to themselves because, at the present, every single word they say drives you further from the "flock" and them. Just lay all this out. Put the ball in their court and follow through. You've made up your mind but there is no reason to let any relationships fall apart if they don't have to (unless that's what you want then don't bother with any of this and just go when you can). Just set the boundary, the consequences and stick to them (of course leaving forever is probably not good for a first infraction but don't waffle since that lets them know you're not serious and can be manipulated). I personally would not cut any deals that involve participating with the religion unless it's a marriage/funeral (such as agreeing to go to xmas/easter services in exchange for something like not going other times or not arguing or whatever).

 

mwc

[PiracyOfTheHead]

Hey Nectar, I don't think we met before

 

That said, I'm afraid it's indeed either wait (grinding your teeth all the time) until you're of legal age and then leave the madhouse you grew up in, or maybe... just maybe... ask your "parents" (Ha!) the question whether an old book full of very dubious content is really worth more to them than their own child.

 

The situation surely sucks, no way around that. I don't have much personal experience with morontheism (fortunately), but based on what I learned so far I'm afraid it's pretty much the two options just mentioned

 

(Phonetically) Dee-uh-gwit ?

 

Hey Thurisaz.....maybe just ask the kid to have the parents create an account here at ExC and throw em in the Lions den........... MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PiracyOfTheHead]

I would just avoid any discussion about religion, and save up money to move out. Keep your head down and don't break any rules.

 

You could always pretend to reconvert for while you are still living under their roof, if you think you can do that until you go to college.

 

 

Hello Nectar,

 

Welcome.

 

I am going to echo Ammy's advice here but with a twist.

 

Dont argue with them about religion, but tell them that you would be willing to sit and discuss your thoughts, observations and feelings about Xtianity, church and the bible.

 

Show them that you arent just being a brat, or that you arent just rebelling...and that yourenot friggin possessed.

 

I think that if you were to go to them as a mature young adult and say somehting along the lines of "Well you both know that I have stopped believing in the things YOU believe in, but I would like to talk about why and i am willing to listen to your side but please also be willing to listen to my side"

 

And you can do things like offer them a time period, this will buy you some time and keep the peace, Amethyst is trying to convey that you should kep the peace as well as respect them....You could propose that you felt that you wanted to explore other belief systems a bit, in order to understand the truth of things..and that you would like some time to do this, and that you would then make a conscious decision.

 

THese are some alternatives and of course you can tweek them however you like but the point is, show them you are mature and thoughtful, prove you are not simply rebelling. And offer some middle ground, not just "I am an Atheist, deal with it", also you will open doors of communication and show them you respect and care for them....parents love this as it is a sign of a child who is still their little "nectar".

 

Think about their position, you know what they believe, and they are taught that if you stray you are bing led by the devil, that you are in danger of hellfire.....despite the fact that Xtianity is a crock, they have their feelings too and they care about your "spiritual" wellbeing, this way you can try to find a way of giving them a little relief from thinking you're going to be partying with satan and end up in the inferno.....theyre probably really frightened if they truly believe that garbage and you can alleviate that by wording your deconversion a bit differently and giving them some hope....

 

Good luck.

 

I might have been able to make more sense without saying as much but its 6 am and I havent slept yet...so I am kinda bugged out.

Im sure you get the gist

 

___Nikos

[ClaraOlive]

Ask to be allowed to replace explicitly Christian activities with charitable secular or non-worship/non-proselytizing activities.

 

This will both get you away from Christians who are trying to reconvert you and show your parents that you are a mature and responsible person without god.

[Amethyst]

Ask to be allowed to replace explicitly Christian activities with charitable secular or non-worship/non-proselytizing activities.

 

This will both get you away from Christians who are trying to reconvert you and show your parents that you are a mature and responsible person without god.

 

This is an excellent idea. Volunteering will also get you out of the house for a while and it'll be a break from everything there. And it may get you job connections for when you move out.

[GypsyMoon]

Hi Nectar,

 

I feel very sympathetic with your situation, as I have been (up until yesterday) in the same situation myself.  I am 17 as well, and was VERY dependent on my parents. However, without going into all the details (which I will do in a testimonial), I left home yesterday, and am now under some support network.

 

I don't know where you live or what sort of support you might be able to get, but I know there will be a way out of this... because there was for me.

 

Things for me at the moment are VERY hard... I'm stressed out and depressed because I shocked myself by taking such a HUGE step. But it was the only thing I could do.

 

I'm not sure if any of this will help you, but I hope it can.

 

Good luck,

 

Joanna (GM)

[Thurisaz]

(Phonetically) Dee-uh-gwit ?

 

?

 

Hey Thurisaz.....maybe just ask the kid to have the parents create an account here at ExC and throw em in the Lions den........... MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

An eeeeevil thought.

 

I love it!

[PiracyOfTheHead]

(Phonetically) Dee-uh-gwit ?

 

?

 

Hey Thurisaz.....maybe just ask the kid to have the parents create an account here at ExC and throw em in the Lions den........... MUHUHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

An eeeeevil thought.

 

I love it!

 

Its 'hello' in Gaelic, I knw how to spell some Gaelic words but I havent learned the actual system yet so I was saying hello phonetically.

[PiracyOfTheHead]

WTH Amethyst??? I came up with a ton of ideas I thought were really good and you didn't comment on evenone of them????

 

I need some validation once in a while and youre a MOD!!!!!!!!!

[Amethyst]

Um, I do have a day job and play WoW, so please don't take it personally if I don't respond to everything. Okay?

 

As for your ideas, I think sometimes avoiding all discussions of religion can be warranted if you know the other party will freak out about it. If they won't freak out about it, by all means, talk to them. But it is entirely upon your comfort level how much you want to talk about touchy subjects with others.

[Vendredie]

I've been through the same thing, and really, what everyone else said here is good advice. Don't do anything stupid.

 

And please don't tell me you were stupid enough to come out over the holidays....

[Jedah]

The thing that you have to understand about christians is that their beliefs make it absolutely impossible for them to understand how a person can deconvert from xianity and become a better person by doing so. They will refuse to see it from your side of the story because from their side of the story your side cannot exist. It would be like trying to explain quantum physics in Chinese to someone who only speaks Italian.

 

Point being: don't try to rationalize with them. Beliefs must be founded on reason for that to work, which as we all know xian beliefs are not. If you want to have a decent relationship with your friends and family again I would just recommend trying to be the best person you can be while also trying to avoid any and all religious discussions. If they bring it up with you, try to seem disinterested while you calmly find a way to change the subject.

 

And as for your church "friends" if you had any, just cut them loose if they start acting like jerks to you. They never were your friends if they suddenly no longer care about you after stepping out.

[chefranden]

I'm having a difficult time with my parents (who were Pentecostal before turning into Non-Denominational, and according to them, Non-Religious Christians)...

 

Here's something from an old grandpa's perspective.

 

 

I'd never occurred to me as a child and teen that my parents were people. They were parents, and as such they should have been two maybe three steps above people. That is they should have gotten it right and not be fumbling around in the dark like mere people. I knew they loved me and all, but by the time I got to be your age I recognized that I was one of the unlucky few who's parents had rocks in their head at least when it came to certain issues.

 

I never considered that they might have feelings and hopes and dreams like me. I went and joined the army the day after I turned 18 without consulting them at all. It was only years later that I found out that they cried over my act figuring that I was off to Vietnam to get killed, and they were damn close to being right about their fears.

 

It was only years later when my boys were teens that it occurred to me what I'd done to my parents. (I wrote them a long letter and apologized.) You can't know yet what is going on in their hearts, because of not being a parent. But you can imagine it. There is nothing real about God as you have concluded. But here is the rub: Your parents do not know that there is nothing real about God. For them this news could well be something like pouring gas over your body and setting it alight. As far as they know you have possibly assigned yourself to the flames of hell -- that is likely very real to them.

 

There are very few fears in life that are as horrifying as the fear of losing a child. Most parents would literally rather die themselves rather than let such a thing happen. Your parents are responding to your news of your doom in the usual ways. Mom is denying it. Dad is angry.

 

Here is the thing that will make your life with them easier: COMPASSION! Be extra nice to them, like take out the garbage or clean your room cheerfully or something. Give them hugs for no reason if that is ok in your family.

[PaulQ]

It's been a dozen years or so since I left Christianity, and I still have family members who believe I still secretly believe in their god. Indeed, there are Christians out there who cannot imagine someone not believing in god; such a concept clashes so much with what they believe in, the only way they can continue to fool themselves is to believe that atheists must secretly believe. After all, it wouldn't do to have an omnipotent, powerful god if people can live their lives happily without belief in it.

[Guest Nectar]

I'm having a difficult time with my parents (who were Pentecostal before turning into Non-Denominational, and according to them, Non-Religious Christians)...

 

Here's something from an old grandpa's perspective.

 

 

I'd never occurred to me as a child and teen that my parents were people. They were parents, and as such they should have been two maybe three steps above people. That is they should have gotten it right and not be fumbling around in the dark like mere people. I knew they loved me and all, but by the time I got to be your age I recognized that I was one of the unlucky few who's parents had rocks in their head at least when it came to certain issues.

 

I never considered that they might have feelings and hopes and dreams like me. I went and joined the army the day after I turned 18 without consulting them at all. It was only years later that I found out that they cried over my act figuring that I was off to Vietnam to get killed, and they were damn close to being right about their fears.

 

It was only years later when my boys were teens that it occurred to me what I'd done to my parents. (I wrote them a long letter and apologized.) You can't know yet what is going on in their hearts, because of not being a parent. But you can imagine it. There is nothing real about God as you have concluded. But here is the rub: Your parents do not know that there is nothing real about God. For them this news could well be something like pouring gas over your body and setting it alight. As far as they know you have possibly assigned yourself to the flames of hell -- that is likely very real to them.

 

There are very few fears in life that are as horrifying as the fear of losing a child. Most parents would literally rather die themselves rather than let such a thing happen. Your parents are responding to your news of your doom in the usual ways. Mom is denying it. Dad is angry.

 

Here is the thing that will make your life with them easier: COMPASSION! Be extra nice to them, like take out the garbage or clean your room cheerfully or something. Give them hugs for no reason if that is ok in your family.

 

Thank you. I was trying to understand what I looked like from my parents perspective, but couldn't really get it. I think I know now why they freaked out so much. To them I'm literally commiting suicide and damning myselft to an eternity in a fiery bubble bath, with demons.

 

They told me that "their belief in God and their prayers are the only things stopping Satan's armies from utterly destroying me." They told me that if I go out into this "world" alone and without God, it will kill me.

 

I'll try to be super nice and not stirr up any more hornet nests.