God Wanted My Life, I Gave It To Him...where The Hell Is He?

[PIRACYs LADY]

Well Hello There All,

 

I know this might seem really long for you to read, but I beg you please do. I have never confided my whole story. I would value so much this community's help and advice. Anything at all that you could help with.

 

I have made a few posts here and there, Mostly trying to get to know the community and it's people and really listen to how honest the members have been able to be on this site without being ridiculed, etc.. I will start off by saying that our spell check is not working right now and I am not by far the best speller, so I am going to have Nick check this at the end for me.

 

I dont really know how to go about doing this as I have never done anything like this before. I think I will take the advice of a very wise man and just "Jump Right In."

 

I suppose some people would call this a cry for help and I would be lying if I didnt say that yes, help is so desperately needed. While some might see this as a painful life's journey. I am hoping that maybe some people might be able to relate on some levels as I have felt alone in these things for quite some time now.

 

Nick has been the only person I have ever divulged any of this information to, and I have been told that because there have been so many tragedies in my life that I needed to talk about them and let them all out, So thats what I am going to try to do here.

 

All of the members I have talked to in this community have made me feel comfortable and I hope that will stay exactly the same after all is said and done.

 

I will start off with how I became a Christian;

 

I am sure I was the same as many in the way it started. It all seemed innocent enough. My Grandma went to church every Sunday, My grandpa went socially once in awhile and on holidays and during that time my mom was a single parent with just me so her search really started to take off looking for God and I was pretty much dragged through every aspect of her finding her faith and therefore, me finding mine. There really wasnt much to report when I was young. I went to Sunday school and children's Bible study on Wednesday's. I started doing that at about age 2, I believe. I knew everyone personally, from the pastor and his family to almost each and every member by name. I was indoctrinated with the fact that I had to at some point take Jesus into my heart and that he would cleanse me, he would make me clean and then I would accept him and my life "my new life " would begin. My mother did not force me to get baptized, she did believe that this was something I should be old enough to want myself. But I for sure was taught even under 7 years of age that if I didnt bring Jesus into my life that I would go to hell and live there for eternity. Wow, now that was terrifying for a child.

 

As I got older in the church I also went to public school at the same time. I had taken up playing the drums and had a pretty good singing voice. I would perform at school playing the drums and singing and such. Well, by coincidence or whatever you want to call it the pastor showed up at one of the preformances I was playing and singing at. After that night he was sure that God had sent me to him and their church as a gift, and that I was to start playing in the church band right away and singing. I was about 10 yrs. old when this happened. I really didnt think anything of it at the time other then feeling that it was an honor, an honor to have been chosen by God to be able to help him and our church with these gifts, these gifts God had given me. Also as a side note at 9 years old I was adopted by my dad, who was at the hospital when I was born and was a friend of the family's. He has always been my dad and he always will be. Also he never has been a big part of any church or attended it other then when I asked him to. He is still pretty much the same as that goes. I look at the other man as what he was, "A Sperm Donor" who didnt want me and left my mom and me before I was 2. He was a pathological liar and told us that the mafia was after him and so to protect us he had to leave. Can anyone say Bull Shit? I can.

 

Well I started playing the drums and siging solos almost every Sunday and the people seemed to love it. I just remember thinking I just like to make them smile, thats all I wanted. I didnt know that I was giving them another reason to stay at a place that was based on and full of lies. After about a year I started to get requests for me to lay my hands on people, to pray for them by touch. I always just did as I was told. I never questioned it. Just did what ever was asked of me. At that point I would go to school, then go to church band pactice from 4 pm- 9 p.m, then stay after to lay hands on anyone that wanted me to or as they said, "Needed my help" By the time I got home It would be about 11 and then the same cycle would just start back up again.

 

By age 12 I felt that I knew I wanted Jesus in my heart, that I wanted to accept him, Now mind you I had all ready been told he must all ready be there because everytime I would pray for someone it would seem to help them and with all "the gifts" I had, I felt like this must be the way. I confessed this to my pastor who was elated. He had been wanting me to do this for so long he said. But my mother still didnt want me to get baptized, she wanted me to wait until i was alittle older and make sure that it was my choice. But after confessing that I wanted to , to the pastor, lets just say each member of the church knew that this is what i really wanted to do. I followed the comandmants like I would be killed if I even fudged up a little bit. I got all A's in school. I helped everyone that I possibly could. I knew I wanted to get married but I had also made it clear to even friends that I would never have sex before marriage, etc..

 

About 2 years before, around 10 years of age I was taken to the urgent care with my mother. We were not even really there for me but since I was born with asthma and seemed to be having a mild attatck she thought it best for me to get a breathing treatment. I was not new to asthma attacks but usually I was given a shot for them. This time I did not know the Dr. and he said that they only did breathing treatments and not to worry that it was the same medication that I would have been given in the shot form. So my mom and I talked about it and decided to give it a try. She stayed in the room with me so I would not be scared. I started to recieve the treatment and about 3 minutes into it My legs started to feel wierd. They started to feel like when they fall asleep but are trying to wake up. Those bad tinglies you get. We told the Dr. about this and he said it was probably just because I was nervous that nothing could possibly harm me. So we went for a few more minutes. After another 5 minutes of the treatment every part of my body except my left arm and face felt this way and they were completley numb. We yelled for the nurse and the Dr., telling him that now I was going numb and that something was seriously wrong. He told my mother that I must be lying to get attention, that something llike that just wasn't possible. She told the Dr. that he better do something along with some few other choice words I wont repeat. And then my mother called my Grandma who was 10 min. away. By the time she got to the office I couldnt feel anything at all except my left arm and face.My mother was in a state of hysterics, and trying at the same time not to kill the Dr.. When my Grandma walked in the Dr. came into the room too, as my grandma just has this calm way about her that people sense. She looked at the Dr. and said "One of the problems here is that you do not believe my grandaughter when she tells you she cannot feel the parts of her body is that correct?" And he shook his head yes. She said "Ok, I can easily remedy that." She looked down into my crying eyes and said dont worry honey, I would never hurt you, trust me. I believe you. She then proceded to blindfold me so I could see absolutely nothing and took 2 knitting needles out of her purse. She just talked to me about school and what had happeened that day and while she was talking to me little did I know she was poking me with the needles. She was poking me in all different ares and hard enough that it drew blood in several spots. And this was all done in the presence of the Dr. sHe cleaned me up and put the needles away so I would not know what had happened and then she unblindfolded me. She motioned for the Dr. to follow her and I heard her say. "Now you get her to an Intensive Care Unit and you do it now. You saw that with your own eyes." Within minutes I was being carried by his nurses to an awaiting ambulance to take me to the hospital. At the hospital several things started to happen; my heart would go in and out of failure, my blood pressure was never even close to being normal and I was basically paralyzed. I heard the staff tell my Grandfather that they didnt know what was wrong with me and that the way things were going I might die. I had never heard those words before. I was scared to death. To make a really long story short I stayed in the hospital 4 months. The whole time paralyzed, never getting better. I was being seen by specialist after specialist, One of which finallly told my mother, "They do not know whats wrong with your daughter. You can not afford this and there is nothing that they are doing for her." They told her that she should take me home, care for me there, maybe even let me go to school in a wheelchair and to sue the hospital for at least the doctors fees. She did that. They paid all the fees but we never saw any other money from it. I did go to school in a wheel chair. I went to my 1st year of junior high school in a wheel chair. My dad would hear about these natural remedies and we would try anything to see if any feeling would come back into my limbs. What was odd to me at that time was I sure wasent receiving visits from our pastor or our church members. Well one day my dad decided to just put rubbing alcohol on my legs. Well when he did that I sure did feel something. And the only way I can describe it was it felt like I was literally on fire that my skin and body was burning. I would litterally fly into the air off the bed because it hurt so bad. well after that first night my dad, mom, grandparents and me talked about what had happened and the fact that yes it was an awful feeling but yet, I was feeling at least something. So it was my decision to keep doing these rub downs. We would have different family members come over 2 times a day it would take 3 grown men to hold me down to complete the rub downs. And then finally one day after almost 8 months all the feeling just came back. We still to this day dont know what happened but I was able to get around again with some practice. That was my 1st bout with any kind of illness.

 

We started going back to church because when the pastor learned that I had been healed then I was a miracle for everyone to see. Now I guess it was probably just to get more people to come to get more donations for the church, but I was young and I didnt think those things. I went back to playing the drums and singing and laying my hands on people at their request.

 

As I had mentioned to you before I followed the commandments like death himself would come for me if I disobeyed them. And I was very outspoken about not having sex until I was married. I never preached it to other people it was just something I believed was right and that it was a gift I wantd to give to the man I loved. Well things went on about the same as I was saying. I was in high school now. I had alot of friends, good grades, was a cheer leader and a prom queen. It really seemed I had it all, on the outside.

 

When I was 14 years old one of my best friends had called me and asked me to come over that he needed my help. I got as far as inside his door and no further. I will not go into all the details but I will a few. I was tied up face down, beaten with two speaker boxes with blows to the ears, head, face. I was also hit wit a baseball bat at some points and several bones were broken.I was also raped while I was in my monthly cycle so I was done further damage to interally because there had been a tampon in place. You could not even recognize my face from the way I looked. In short, I was brutally raped and beaten. I stayed in the hospital for almost 4 months time. We made up some story about having being beaten up so no one at school would no what had happenend. Only my parents, myself this person and a good friend of mine knew what had really happened.

 

At this point my mom had pretty much lost her faith all together. I would hear her crying, "How could God do this to my baby?" I really do not know if I had lost my faith or not I just know that I was no longer myself, I was lost. I was completly confused and felt dirty beyond belief. No matter how often I showered even if it was 25 times a day I still wasnt clean. I felt it was my fault, that I must have done something. After all, this person was supposed to be my friend. At this point I just stopped caring about my life. I pretty much became someone else. Not someone that was bad just someone else. I had lost the one thing that was my gift. The one most private personal gift that I had wanted so much to give to my husband. It was gone now, and to me I was worthless and dirty. Who would want me now?

 

I still went to church but at this point it was in the hopes of regaining any of the good feelings I used to have when I was there before. I was still asked to be a 'prayer warrior'. I was still praying for people. I still sang and played the drums. My mind was there, but my heart just was not. It just didnt seem fair or right that these things would have happened to me. What did I do to deserve this? I still often ask myself that question. What did I do to derserve this.

 

An interesting tidbit, after Nick and I being together we had realized that him and I had met each other like a total of at least 4 times throughout our lives. Once when we were children. Once, at a special church function. Once at a gym where I worked and he tried to help me because I was crying, and at a coffee house. Theres probably others I am forgetting but Im not sure.

 

Well I am in high school at this point and I just started dating the least likley person that I ever would have dated before all these problems happened to me. And of course the 1st time I have sex, not make love (that wasnt until Nick) but the 1st time I have sex I get pregnant. In short I was a good girl, I had straight A's. I had scholarships, I really hadnt done anything wrong. When my dad found out I was pregnant, he kicked me out of my house after calling me every bad name he could think of. Even ones I had never even heard before. I was 7 months pregnant at that time, No one could tell. They found out because I admitted it to them.

 

So I got stuck living in an apartment with someone I really didnt know, working at the same job I had had for 3 years and being 7 months pregnant and still totally and completely lost. Starting at about 19 years of age I vouluntered at Loma Linda Childrens Hospital. I just loved being around and helping the kids there. I started off as just a regular volunteer but then I worked my way up to Coordinator of Childrens Activities Donations. I volunteered on and off for about 7 years.

 

At this point in church "I was a bad girl" I mean no one said it to my face, but you know what those stares feel like, but they sure still did want me to pray for them because it seemed to be working. At this point I had told my whole family that I did not want to get married to the person I was with. I had said that over and over and they agreed totally. But my church family told me that I had to get married, that I was living in sin and that this was why things were happening to me that were bad. Then my daughter got pneumonia and was put in the hospital and I thought it was God telling me "You better listen to them or watch what else bad will happen." I was scared to death. So I married the boy, in the office of a random church that meant nothing, not even telling my parents and rushing back to the hospital.

 

Our daughter seemed to get better and we took her home and things were ok by other peoples standards I guess. I was still going to church, we were not living in sin anymore. Other than the fact that I hated my life and who I was, I guess everything was fine.

 

It was shortly after that, when I was 19, that I was told I had cancer for the 1st time. I was told that I had ovarian cancer and that it was at a high stage and that more than likley I had less than 6 months to live and that they really didnt see the point of even starting treatment. I told the Doctor he was wrong and that I would beat it and to put me on the treatments as quickly as possible. Then they put me on chemo-therepy and radiation treatments, where I lost some of my hair, was sick all the time, had burn marks from side effects and I could eat nothing. After about 11 months of going on and off my treatments they announced to me that I was stable enough to have surgery. I had the surgery and was told I was fine and that everything was a success. I can say that in no way is thanks to any Dr.

 

I still remained sick from time to time with illnessess I had never even heard of or had ever had a problem with. I suffered from Kidney failure and Kidney stones and I had to have Kidney surgury. I also suffered a heart attack during this time. I was told that is was due to stress. I still have pretty bad heart problems.

 

By the time I was 21 I had been asking my then husband to please leave several times, over and over. This went on for 3 years. I had told him I did not love him and that I only married him in fear of God and that something might happen to our daughter. He would never leave, I mean he would just never go. He basically was never there. We led seperate lives meaning I was home when he was at work and vice versa.

 

I met Nick for good around this time. By the way he is the best thing that has ever happpened to me. I had found out I had cancer for the 2nd time. And I was told that I was going to die. I knew I loved Nick pretty much from the start. I was so sick that I was not allowed to have visitors even family but Nick and I bought those cell phones that have the walkie talkies and we would talk for hours at a time. He stayed with me talking me through it all. I was in the hospital that time about 6 months, we talked every single day, anytime of the day or night he had that phone by his side, once again I was told I would die, we knew I wouldnt, so we talked and fell more in love and knew we were special, and then for a second time beat my cancer.

 

I then met Nick in person, as we were all ready in love. He told me exactly what to say to my now ex husband to make him leave. The whole time I was trying to get him to go and he was saying God will strike you down for divorce etc.. etc.. He finally left, thank the Gods. Shortly after, Nick and I with my children moved in together. They also had known Nick for awhile at that time. I became pregnant with our 1st child months after we moved in, we couldn't even get married fast enough. We were so happy knowing that we were soulmates and a baby coming from it. Well I was almost 8 months along and I was driving home and started having terrible pains, at the other end of town Nick was supposed to be in class but felt I needed him. When I got home I stepped out of the car and a gush of blood just came pouring out of my pants and I was having such terrible pains, I made it to our front porch where pieces started falling to the ground. Of course there was no one around to help. This is very hard for me to talk about so I am sorry if I might not make sense. When I got through the door I took off my pants and pieces just kept coming out. I wrapped a towel around me and was crying, rocking back and forth then someone knocked on the door, I went to the door and it was Nick. He looked at me and I looked at him and I said, I need you, please be strong I need you, I cant do this alone. So there in our apartment we lost our 1st child. After I could sit without hemmorhaging Nick said, " I have to go clean all of him up, I cant leave parts of him outside on the sidewalk, I'ts not right." So he got a pail and warm water and some towels and cleaned our son off of the ground. We saved the remains so we could cremate him and Nick had a special box that came from Lebanon, made from Cedar, with felt lining, and we put him in there. When we were able to, we held a ceromony at the beach for him and sent his ashes to sea. We lost our son because we were unaware that I had cancer, yet again. He died to save my life. After I misscarried the doctors said that the tumor came out of my body with the baby.

 

I have had cancer a totalof 4 times. One of them is at present. I am hoping things will be ok. But I am so scared. We have 3 kids that live here with us and Nick has his daughter from when he was a teenager also.

 

I did get pregnant again. This time with twins, a boy and a girl. I made it 7 months with the girl but she was still-born. I was alone in the hospital and I got to hold her. She fit in my hand.She was so tiny and beautiful. Nick was really sick when this occured and had no idea it was going on. Nick got really sick about a month after that and we decided he needed to go stay with his mother so they could help him buy his medication. They never help him with anything, they never have and I doubt they ever will. I guess there's always hope. I had began dilating while Nick was having his nervous breakdown before he went to his families house and with the stress of everything they could not stop me from dilating and I gave birth to our son. I was also alone as Nick was to far of a distance to have ever been able to get there in time. I held our baby. He was so sweet and tiny and cute. I held him for over an hr. Something happened and he started to choke. They took him from me right away and had a team in the room trying to help him breathe. For some reason he just couldent hold on and our son passed away right before Christmas of last year. So am I suppose to believe theres a God? I Think not. I am in cancer treatments as we speak. I have two broken bones in my back and I also just broke my patella! We are both so sick, we have no money everything is such a struggle. I worry so much.

 

What I mean about where is God is that even when I was 27, (Right before meeting Nick) after going through all of these things already, my middle son was in the hospital for 9 months in Intensive Care with Pancreatitis A disease for Seniors or Alcoholics?? Why would he have that? And at the same time as Im pregnant with my youngest daughter my grandfather who has never been sick in his life goes in for an overnight procedure for gallstones. I stay with him, in short it goes wrong he winds up with pancreatitis , septic shock, intubated on dialysis and with me having to be the one the turn off the life support machine. To turn support off of the one man that I loved most in this world.

 

Where is this God the Christians talk of? I gave him more than half my life. I look at my story and all I see is pain and struggle. In short, I am completely lost, at times I feel alone, especially when we are both suffering at the same time. And sometimes I just feel absolute desperation because it seems nothing will work, nothing gets better, nobody wants to help, people talked big in church now they are all gone, living their happy little lives.

 

Thank you for reading,

Churee

[PiracyOfTheHead]

Very courageous baby...I love you!!!!

 

You're making so much progress emotionally and we'll get you fixed up as far as the rest goes...

[noob]

Hello again, Churee. Wow. I read your story this morning while I was at work and I could not respond. But even at the end of the day, I find myself unable to think of anything that I can say to you. Your story is so heartbreaking that I find myself without words. (Anyone who knows me would find that impossible to believe!) As I said in a previous post to you, I am wishing for better health, happier times and wonderful things for you and Piracy in the future. The two of you must be incredibly strong to endure the things you have been through. I'm sending hugs to both you!!!

[R. S. Martin]

Where is this God the Christians talk of? I gave him more than half my life. I look at my story and all I see is pain and struggle. In short, I am completely lost, at times I feel alone, especially when we are both suffering at the same time. And sometimes I just feel absolute desperation because it seems nothing will work, nothing gets better, nobody wants to help, people talked big in church now they are all gone, living their happy little lives.

 

Thank you for reading,

Churee

 

I read the entire painful story. Pretty much all I can say is you make sense. I can't even say "hang in there." That's all you've been doing and it's nothing but empty mocking words.

 

As for where is this stupid god the christians talk about. In their minds. Nowhere else. You're such a sensitive and sympathetic person, people probably were "healed" by your touch because they wanted to be. I find it very disgusting the way that church used you--a little child.

 

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings....Well, I was a little child once, too. Out of my mouth came probing questions about this god and accompanying theology--questions I was shut up about and not given answers for. They said when I was older I would understand. I was patient and got older. When I hit forty I still didn't understand. I am fifty now. I have now done a theology degree and I still don't understand. I conclude that there are no answers and that this god does not exist.

 

So it seems Christians have a very serious double standard. When the "babes and sucklings" are like you and just do what they are told, then they are "miracle children" but when they are like me and ask probing questions that preachers and theologians can't answer (without giving up their religion) then these "babes and sucklings" need to be "put in their place" and have their "will broken."

 

Bottom line: Anything and everything that makes their god, their religion, and of course THEM, look good is miraculous and wonderful and right. Anything and everything that makes their god, their religion, and most importantly THEM, look bad is evil and needs to be dealt with accordingly. When their faith-healing wonder-child lay dying in the hospital, it would not do to draw attention to the fact that she could not heal herself. The cognitive dissonance was too great. "Physician, heal thyself." Yeah right. This is but a little child, for heavens sake, have some heart you preachers! (That's just me being indignant at the hard-heartedness of the religious establishment that used you so cruely for its own ends.)

 

Churee, I'm glad you shared your story. You belong here. We've got many good people here at exC in situations they do not deserve. The best sense I can make of it is that as humans we are part of the cycle of nature, and of life and death. The chips fall where they will. The strong-minded will find or make a way, and when energy runs out they die, just like the rest of nature. You and Nick seem like strong-minded people who know how to take life by the horns and make the impossible happen. It seems you personally have come many years further than medical science predicted. Congratulations!

[R. S. Martin]

Churee, you emphasized that at one point you felt that the most precious gift you could give a husband had been taken from you. But Nick seems not to mind; from what I can see, it seems Nick loves you for who you are as a person. I am so happy for you about this. I guess that's one more religious lie the church preaches--about virginity being so important.

[PIRACYs LADY]

Very courageous baby...I love you!!!!

 

You're making so much progress emotionally and we'll get you fixed up as far as the rest goes...

Thank you my Niki (my pet name for him

I love you too!

I really am trying to do the work and I know that together I believe you and I can do anything. thank you for the gif of you,

I love you so very much!

Churee

[PIRACYs LADY]

Hello again, Churee. Wow. I read your story this morning while I was at work and I could not respond. But even at the end of the day, I find myself unable to think of anything that I can say to you. Your story is so heartbreaking that I find myself without words. (Anyone who knows me would find that impossible to believe!) As I said in a previous post to you, I am wishing for better health, happier times and wonderful things for you and Piracy in the future. The two of you must be incredibly strong to endure the things you have been through. I'm sending hugs to both you!!!

Hi There Again,

 

Thank you so much for reading my post, that one meant so much to me and I must admit that I sacaed to death about what people would think of me. You said that my story was do heartfelt that even at the end of the day you find yourself unable of thinking of anything In itself to say to me. Well even for that response i wanted to say thank you because it shows me that you did in act take the tio readeerything and that is what I wanted. I wanted a few kindred spirits that would hopefully want to try to help me through this difficult time in my life. I personally believe that Piracy and myself are very strong people. i try really hard to be, but h just dosnt see himself as such a person and its because of the ways his parents (not dad0 have treated him his whole life. It is just so wrong. Thank you so so very much for wishing us better health, happier times and wonderfull things for us. We absolutley wish the same for you. Thank you so much for your hugs abd we are for sure sending them right bsk to you, if you ever need us just send us a post and we will try to help any way we can. As far as we go at present if you know of anyone who might sponsor a needy amily in anyway , we would so appricate any kind of hlp. Thank you so much. Have a Happy Holiday.

Churee

[Big.blue.nation]

Churee, I just registered with this site and you're topic was the first I read. You're title is what grabbed my attention initially and is simply, yet profoundly is one of my major dilemmas as well. Where is God, right now...at this moment in time, how come he is hidden in these tough times in our life. As an ex-christian evangelist myself...I believe that if god IS, he should BE, here...relevant to us hurting people in 2008! That unfortunately has not been the case.

 

I read your story and want to say, "hang in there"! I think one of the keys to living a fulfilling life is to free ourselves from "religion" and be happy. You are a good person, with a good heart, trying the best you can to live "christ-like" in your actions, despite "man-made religion"; if that is not good enough to a god who is supposed to be love himself an have grace, then he is truly cruel and malevolent to his creation.

 

Fellow human take care and appreciate what you had to say and am glad I'm not alone either in wondering where God is!

[florduh]

Holy Jebus, Churee - what a story!

 

It's criminal that people would have you waste time and resources on a god that isn't there, especially if you have health and financial problems.

 

The fact that you've come this far is proof that you can go the distance. What else could happen at this point?

 

Good wishes are all I have to give you now, but I do sincerely wish you and Nick the best.

[xandermac]

Wow! Makes my shitty life look a little better. I'm so sorry honey. I wish I was a rich person but sadly I'm at poverty level too. I had a niece die with cancer in her early 30's. I know too well the horror of cancer, it hurts the whole family. There must be somewhere that you guys could get some help. I see people on disability and Medicaid all the time that seem to be healthier than me.

 

Where the hell is god? He's where he's always been. In someone's imagination. I've asked that question a lot myself and find that I'm still angry at him even though he's never really been there. I wish I had words of wisdom, comfort or even descent advice but I don't. Just keep writing.

[PIRACYs LADY]

Very courageous baby...I love you!!!!

 

You're making so much progress emotionally and we'll get you fixed up as far as the rest goes...

Thank yo baby. i love you!

[PIRACYs LADY]

Hello again, Churee. Wow. I read your story this morning while I was at work and I could not respond. But even at the end of the day, I find myself unable to think of anything that I can say to you. Your story is so heartbreaking that I find myself without words. (Anyone who knows me would find that impossible to believe!) As I said in a previous post to you, I am wishing for better health, happier times and wonderful things for you and Piracy in the future. The two of you must be incredibly strong to endure the things you have been through. I'm sending hugs to both you!!!

I would like to writre to you when I have a bit more time, I am not feeling so well reight now.I hope that is ok with you.I hope you and your family are doing well. Talk to you soon!

[PIRACYs LADY]

Where is this God the Christians talk of? I gave him more than half my life. I look at my story and all I see is pain and struggle. In short, I am completely lost, at times I feel alone, especially when we are both suffering at the same time. And sometimes I just feel absolute desperation because it seems nothing will work, nothing gets better, nobody wants to help, people talked big in church now they are all gone, living their happy little lives.

 

Thank you for reading,

Churee

 

I read the entire painful story. Pretty much all I can say is you make sense. I can't even say "hang in there." That's all you've been doing and it's nothing but empty mocking words.

 

As for where is this stupid god the christians talk about. In their minds. Nowhere else. You're such a sensitive and sympathetic person, people probably were "healed" by your touch because they wanted to be. I find it very disgusting the way that church used you--a little child.

 

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings....Well, I was a little child once, too. Out of my mouth came probing questions about this god and accompanying theology--questions I was shut up about and not given answers for. They said when I was older I would understand. I was patient and got older. When I hit forty I still didn't understand. I am fifty now. I have now done a theology degree and I still don't understand. I conclude that there are no answers and that this god does not exist.

 

So it seems Christians have a very serious double standard. When the "babes and sucklings" are like you and just do what they are told, then they are "miracle children" but when they are like me and ask probing questions that preachers and theologians can't answer (without giving up their religion) then these "babes and sucklings" need to be "put in their place" and have their "will broken."

 

Bottom line: Anything and everything that makes their god, their religion, and of course THEM, look good is miraculous and wonderful and right. Anything and everything that makes their god, their religion, and most importantly THEM, look bad is evil and needs to be dealt with accordingly. When their faith-healing wonder-child lay dying in the hospital, it would not do to draw attention to the fact that she could not heal herself. The cognitive dissonance was too great. "Physician, heal thyself." Yeah right. This is but a little child, for heavens sake, have some heart you preachers! (That's just me being indignant at the hard-heartedness of the religious establishment that used you so cruely for its own ends.)

 

Churee, I'm glad you shared your story. You belong here. We've got many good people here at exC in situations they do not deserve. The best sense I can make of it is that as humans we are part of the cycle of nature, and of life and death. The chips fall where they will. The strong-minded will find or make a way, and when energy runs out they die, just like the rest of nature. You and Nick seem like strong-minded people who know how to take life by the horns and make the impossible happen. It seems you personally have come many years further than medical science predicted. Congratulations!

Hi There,

I would like to talk to you when I have alitle more time. I am not feeling very well right now and so far It seems like you have me pretty pegged down resonality wise. I'd like to get you r opinion on some other things and maybe become friends if thats ok with you.

[PIRACYs LADY]

Churee, I just registered with this site and you're topic was the first I read. You're title is what grabbed my attention initially and is simply, yet profoundly is one of my major dilemmas as well. Where is God, right now...at this moment in time, how come he is hidden in these tough times in our life. As an ex-christian evangelist myself...I believe that if god IS, he should BE, here...relevant to us hurting people in 2008! That unfortunately has not been the case.

 

I read your story and want to say, "hang in there"! I think one of the keys to living a fulfilling life is to free ourselves from "religion" and be happy. You are a good person, with a good heart, trying the best you can to live "christ-like" in your actions, despite "man-made religion"; if that is not good enough to a god who is supposed to be love himself an have grace, then he is truly cruel and malevolent to his creation.

 

Fellow human take care and appreciate what you had to say and am glad I'm not alone either in wondering where God is!

Hi There,

I just wanted to tell you that I want to post more to you later. I have ben under the weather and not feeling so great. Im glad your a newer member here welcome. Its good to meet you. I hope we can posts so more, and hopefully I will be able to help you some day with some of the questions you asked.

Churee

[PIRACYs LADY]

Holy Jebus, Churee - what a story!

 

It's criminal that people would have you waste time and resources on a god that isn't there, especially if you have health and financial problems.

 

The fact that you've come this far is proof that you can go the distance. What else could happen at this point?

 

Good wishes are all I have to give you now, but I do sincerely wish you and Nick the best.

Hi There,

 

Thank you for your reply. I appricate it.I would like to write you more right now but I am not feeling so great right now, I am under yth weather. So I hope that we can talk soon. I would look forward to any advice that you might be able to give me. Thank you so much for your good wishes.

Churee

[PIRACYs LADY]

Wow! Makes my shitty life look a little better. I'm so sorry honey. I wish I was a rich person but sadly I'm at poverty level too. I had a niece die with cancer in her early 30's. I know too well the horror of cancer, it hurts the whole family. There must be somewhere that you guys could get some help. I see people on disability and Medicaid all the time that seem to be healthier than me.

 

Where the hell is god? He's where he's always been. In someone's imagination. I've asked that question a lot myself and find that I'm still angry at him even though he's never really been there. I wish I had words of wisdom, comfort or even descent advice but I don't. Just keep writing.

Hi There,

 

Awwww, Im so sorry that your life is shitty too. If there is anything I can do please let me know. I am also sory that you are at the poverty level the same as me. Doesent it always seem that money it the root odf all problems? It just seems like things would get so much better if we all just had enough to get by without worrying.I am on Medi cal and so are the 3 kids, But Nick can mot get approved for it so any dr. appts. or medication has to be paid cash for, and even me some of my mdication is not overed by my insurance. Thank someone our children are doing well. I am applying for disability, my appt is in 3 weeks i believe. i am hoping that thy can help me. I do so despretly need it. You are not alone in feeling still angry with him. I find myself there to alot of the time. Any time you start to eel that way aain, pleae wtie me. I will try to help you through it, or we can rant and rave about how angry we are. lol. I would like to talk to you more in this post but I amfeeling sick, alittle under the weather. So I hope we can talk soon. Also I was very sorry to hear about your niece that had passed from cancer. My thoughts re with you are your family. i wish i could help more than that.

Churee

P.s.- Where did you pick your user name? i was just curious. I like the name Xander.

[PIRACYs LADY]

Churee, you emphasized that at one point you felt that the most precious gift you could give a husband had been taken from you. But Nick seems not to mind; from what I can see, it seems Nick loves you for who you are as a person. I am so happy for you about this. I guess that's one more religious lie the church preaches--about virginity being so important.

Hi There,

 

Thank you for reminding me of that. I appicate it.

[Guest QuidEstCaritas?]

Churee, you emphasized that at one point you felt that the most precious gift you could give a husband had been taken from you. But Nick seems not to mind; from what I can see, it seems Nick loves you for who you are as a person. I am so happy for you about this. I guess that's one more religious lie the church preaches--about virginity being so important.

Hi There,

 

Thank you for reminding me of that. I appicate it.

 

 

From what you have indicated indirectly you are such a genuine and caring person Churee, and I am sure your husband couldn't have a better woman than you. If I encounter anyone that I meet who might be able to help the two of you then I will let you know. I don't know a lot of people but college is coming up soon and I might be able to find someone or something by chance or networking. You two are very admirable people and please know that I think your husband is a very strong person. I think he is stronger than most people and if he can understand this about himself at some point it will make him even stronger still. I too was told how worthless and how much of a failure I was by my own "parents". Sometimes the healing that needs to take place in order to realize that one has been fed dishonesty by one's parents can take years to go through. I wish the best for you and Nick and I will keep my eyes and ears open.

 

You are so kind and so real and I think you are very strong and I have little doubt that you two have both helped each other get this far.

[Naughtyhamster]

I started to recieve the treatment and about 3 minutes into it My legs started to feel wierd. They started to feel like when they fall asleep but are trying to wake up. Those bad tinglies you get. We told the Dr. about this and he said it was probably just because I was nervous that nothing could possibly harm me. So we went for a few more minutes. After another 5 minutes of the treatment every part of my body except my left arm and face felt this way and they were completley numb. We yelled for the nurse and the Dr., telling him that now I was going numb and that something was seriously wrong. He told my mother that I must be lying to get attention, that something llike that just wasn't possible. She told the Dr. that he better do something along with some few other choice words I wont repeat.

 

 

 

I just read your testimony today and I was shocked to read this part I've quoted above as I had a similar reaction to medicine, but to "relaxation shots" that a doctor injected me with to calm my ADD symptoms. My legs would become wobbly and went out from underneath me, and I couldn't walk for an hour ( the doctor said it was due to the ingredients of the "relaxation shot"). Still whatever these shots had in them either screwed up my brain ( as possibly thermasol/mercury/other chemicals was in them), and/or the lack of proper ADD drugs must have rewired my brain leading to anxiety disorder and depression in my teens.

 

Do you remember the name of the physician who gave you the breathing treatment as I wonder if it was the same physician who would give me "relaxation shots"? The doctor who treated me was popular among xtian churches and lost his medical license for experimenting with herbs and other "alternative" therapies on his patients without doing any research on them. He lost his license after he was sued by a woman who was given herbs( to prevent morning sickness) which caused her to have her son a month prematurely.

[PIRACYs LADY]

Churee, I just registered with this site and you're topic was the first I read. You're title is what grabbed my attention initially and is simply, yet profoundly is one of my major dilemmas as well. Where is God, right now...at this moment in time, how come he is hidden in these tough times in our life. As an ex-christian evangelist myself...I believe that if god IS, he should BE, here...relevant to us hurting people in 2008! That unfortunately has not been the case.

 

I read your story and want to say, "hang in there"! I think one of the keys to living a fulfilling life is to free ourselves from "religion" and be happy. You are a good person, with a good heart, trying the best you can to live "christ-like" in your actions, despite "man-made religion"; if that is not good enough to a god who is supposed to be love himself an have grace, then he is truly cruel and malevolent to his creation.

 

Fellow human take care and appreciate what you had to say and am glad I'm not alone either in wondering where God is!

Hi There,

 

Thank you for your reply. And I can assure you that you are not alone in your search as to where God is right here and right now. I have really looked down eery path I know for many years now and still can not find him. I just cant understand how a "Loving God" would let these things happen to me or anyone else, because believe me I know others are worse off. I am so sorry for what ever you might be going through and I am here for you to help in any way I can.I do agree totall y that if that is not good enough to a God who is suppose to be love himself and have grave, then he is truly cruel and malevolent to his creation. For years I just couldnt even except that was a possibility, now I just have to see the truth and know that it is. You also take care. I hope to talk to you soon.

Churee

[PIRACYs LADY]

Churee, you emphasized that at one point you felt that the most precious gift you could give a husband had been taken from you. But Nick seems not to mind; from what I can see, it seems Nick loves you for who you are as a person. I am so happy for you about this. I guess that's one more religious lie the church preaches--about virginity being so important.

Hi There,

 

Thank you for reminding me of that. I appicate it.

 

 

From what you have indicated indirectly you are such a genuine and caring person Churee, and I am sure your husband couldn't have a better woman than you. If I encounter anyone that I meet who might be able to help the two of you then I will let you know. I don't know a lot of people but college is coming up soon and I might be able to find someone or something by chance or networking. You two are very admirable people and please know that I think your husband is a very strong person. I think he is stronger than most people and if he can understand this about himself at some point it will make him even stronger still. I too was told how worthless and how much of a failure I was by my own "parents". Sometimes the healing that needs to take place in order to realize that one has been fed dishonesty by one's parents can take years to go through. I wish the best for you and Nick and I will keep my eyes and ears open.

 

You are so kind and so real and I think you are very strong and I have little doubt that you two have both helped each other get this far.

Thank you so much for your reply, and I thank you for your encouragement for Nick and I. I also thank you on the compliments you directed to me. I have to be honest, I dont feel like Im that great of a peson, ans I constantly worry that I am not good enough.I also appricate your offer for any king of help. Any kind would be much appricated. I agree with you about what you said about Nick. He is so much stronger then he thinks. I want him to see that so badly.Please know that just from your post I can you you that you are in no way worthless or a failure. You seem very caring and understanding to me. I just wanted you to know that.I also wish you the best and hope to talk to you again soon.

Churee

[PIRACYs LADY]

I started to recieve the treatment and about 3 minutes into it My legs started to feel wierd. They started to feel like when they fall asleep but are trying to wake up. Those bad tinglies you get. We told the Dr. about this and he said it was probably just because I was nervous that nothing could possibly harm me. So we went for a few more minutes. After another 5 minutes of the treatment every part of my body except my left arm and face felt this way and they were completley numb. We yelled for the nurse and the Dr., telling him that now I was going numb and that something was seriously wrong. He told my mother that I must be lying to get attention, that something llike that just wasn't possible. She told the Dr. that he better do something along with some few other choice words I wont repeat.

 

 

 

I just read your testimony today and I was shocked to read this part I've quoted above as I had a similar reaction to medicine, but to "relaxation shots" that a doctor injected me with to calm my ADD symptoms. My legs would become wobbly and went out from underneath me, and I couldn't walk for an hour ( the doctor said it was due to the ingredients of the "relaxation shot"). Still whatever these shots had in them either screwed up my brain ( as possibly thermasol/mercury/other chemicals was in them), and/or the lack of proper ADD drugs must have rewired my brain leading to anxiety disorder and depression in my teens.

 

Do you remember the name of the physician who gave you the breathing treatment as I wonder if it was the same physician who would give me "relaxation shots"? The doctor who treated me was popular among xtian churches and lost his medical license for experimenting with herbs and other "alternative" therapies on his patients without doing any research on them. He lost his license after he was sued by a woman who was given herbs( to prevent morning sickness) which caused her to have her son a month prematurely.

Hi There,

I dont know right off. But I can find out for you. You are the 1st person I have ever heard with the same kind of sympotoms. Are you in California? Because I have been my whole life. I will talk to my mom,have her go through the papers and let u=you know for sure. Something for sure the hell is wrong. This shouldnt be happening.

[buffettphan]

Oh Churee, I just read your story. I don't even have words........

 

Damn, I wish I'd win the lottery, because then your financial problems would be over! (fingers crossed, for what good it does!) You and Nick are going through hell on earth, but your strength is undeniable. The love you two have for one another is crystal clear -- even through cyberspace!

 

I wish you, Nick, and your children a new year of happiness and health. Hugs.

[Big.blue.nation]

Hi There,

 

Thank you for your reply. And I can assure you that you are not alone in your search as to where God is right here and right now. I have really looked down eery path I know for many years now and still can not find him. I just cant understand how a "Loving God" would let these things happen to me or anyone else, because believe me I know others are worse off. I am so sorry for what ever you might be going through and I am here for you to help in any way I can.I do agree totall y that if that is not good enough to a God who is suppose to be love himself and have grave, then he is truly cruel and malevolent to his creation. For years I just couldnt even except that was a possibility, now I just have to see the truth and know that it is. You also take care. I hope to talk to you soon.

Churee

 

Hey, thanks for your reply as well...appreciate the understanding. It IS such a struggle at times and a dissapointment indeed, trying to understand, "Where is God" in the face of such difficult circumstances. Nor do I have many "fix-it" or practical advice comments as well, just empathetic to your plight. Your post has helped me and am glad to know I'm not alone.

 

In a strange way, for me personally, I am getting more of a peace in one respect though. Just un-learning all that I expected of God before. If God be God, so be it, but will no longer place such anticipation on him, nor feel guilt because of that. For so long I struggled with rejection, christian theology...but am trying to leave all that behind me now; start a new chapter in my life. It's liberating actually and eager to see where this road may lead. Maybe He does exist, I don't know...but am not going to carry the anger around anymore. It's just not worth it. If God does exist though, I'm sure he will be nothing like a manmade, vengeful, ambivalent God as portrayed in the judeo/christian scriptures. It just doesn't add up!

 

Churee, name my name is Chris and hope you have a great day and wish you well. Thanks again and appreciate the communication on this matter!

Chris

[Pandora Moon]

Hi Churee I just read all of your story and I'm not sure of what to say. Your story and everyone elses stories on this site only serve to prove how harmful christianty really is. Oh don't worry about any typos I'm not a good speller either

 

Anyway I hope that 2009 will be a good year for you and your family and I hope you feel better soon