Wendybabe Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 At times I look at my husband and say to myself, "Why did I marry you?". He has gained weight, he has a pot belly he didn't have when we got married. He has very poor social skills, it is almost impossible to engage him in conversation when we are with a group of people. He is stingy. He never gives affection unless I initiate it. He is a slob. He always seems to be in a bad mood. But wtf I married him. I knew he was this way before we got married. I am always trying to console myself, "All marriages have problems." If I was married to someone else it would be the same way. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just need to look at it differently? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dhampir Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Then leave. I'm of the opinion that almost no one should get married at all. No matter how "of one flesh" you become, you never stopped being two DIFFERENT people. I'd never have the heart to tell my wife that she needed to lose 30 pounds if she wanted me to touch her more often, so rather than take the overwhelming risk of being stuck with someone whose attractiveness was ephemeral at best (especially someone who had it in mind to let themselves go once they've "hooked" me) I'll just stay away from that antiquated nonsense altogether. People that get married (for love) seem to count on that other person being the same thing they thought they were when they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Problem is, that almost never happens from what I've seen. Personality, looks, attention to personal upkeep, moods, etc. Something changes, or, your outlook on those things change and they just aren't what they were. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Do you remember why you married him? Was there something about him that really clicked with you (chemistry, humor, understanding), or was getting married just the next reasonable thing to do (didn't see any reasons not to)? People do change, and those of us that are married either decide to change in ways that make us mesh better, or in ways that will drive us apart. I was a slob when we got married and through years of patience my wife has trained me to not be a slob. I'm not as muscular as I was, but am embarking on a physical regimen this month (of my own choice because I like myself better as a hunk). I like to be alone a lot, as it charges my batteries so to speak. But this last week I was required to be around a lot of family and kids and noise, and it wasn't always pleasant. But I have learned to deal with it and not be a turd because things aren't the way I'd like them (quiet, orderly, good manners, etc). So if you still want him, talk to him about what you are feeling. There is no way to know what he thinks or feels without engaging him, and I have found that my assumptions or guesses about other people are usually wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendybabe Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 I jusr found out that he doesn't know if he has a job. His company was sold three weeks ago and they told him they would call him if they decided to keep him. Well he hasn't heard anything and Monday is the day he is supose to starty at tthe new place. So this explains why he has been such a pain in the ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Is there some compelling reason why your own spouse didn't tell you that his job circumstances were changing? That's not exactly the kind of information one's spouse doesn't need to know. Unless he's got some really phenomenally good reason why he didn't tell you, I'd be more worried about his withholding such information than I would be about whether or not he's gotten a belly or has been in a bad mood lately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mahjong Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 If you want to blow off steam here is a great place to do it! You are certainly not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Getting out of the combination of a bad marriage and religion really taught me that a certain level of selfishness is okay. Now I really know what I DON'T want and what I'm willing to wait for. Obviously there has to be some degree of give and take; no one can demand perfection. However, I'm really beginning to think that it is possible to find what you dream about. I know this isn't great advice or anything, but I really think that life is to short to not strive for happiness. Perhaps it means having to be the asshole from time to time...it's a tough call though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Wendybabe, this is tough. I keep coming back to this thread, and I really want to be supportive. However, I have been married twice and both times the end result was unexpected, so I don’t feel that I am qualified to give any advice! Since you state “I knew he was this way before we got married” I have to agree with Fuego and wonder if you can remember why you married him. I’m sure the job situation is causing anxiety, but I think Gwenmead had a good point about why he didn’t talk to you about the possibility of losing his job. None of the issues that you mention seem to be show stoppers (pot bellies can come and go) – but that is just my opinion. Do you think you could get him to go to counseling with you so you could improve your communication with each other? Like I said, I don't really know what to offer but I wanted you to know I sympathize and I hope your situation improves! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deb Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 But wtf I married him. I knew he was this way before we got married. I am always trying to console myself, "All marriages have problems." If I was married to someone else it would be the same way. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just need to look at it differently? It is true that all marriages/relationships have problems. Yes, you would have some type of problems, although maybe different ones, with anyone you are with. But I guess it just comes down to you deciding whether you want to continue in the relationship. It's a huge question, with so much to consider. I recently ended a 3 year relationship after MUCH soul searching...it was a very long process leading to my ulitimate decision. A big part of it for me was weighing the pros and cons so to speak. There were many good things about our relationship. I had to ask myself if it was worth giving up the many good things to end it with him. Ultimately, I decided that the painful things were more than I could live with. It came down to that for me...I realized that the issues I was concerned about were not going to change...so my ultimate choice was to live forever in that condition, or choose to stand up for myself, risk being alone...I am still somewhat scared as to the future...but I am certain I made the right choice. I have a right to seek out things that will truly make me happy. I can honestly say I still love him- we are getting along well and I hope he'll always be a part of my life. But ultimately for me, I decided we just are not compatible as life partners. Best of luck to you...I think I know some of what you are feeling. Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Well now, the old geezer says my spouse and I had these sorts of trouble, one of the worst for me was lack of affection after the first kid came. I'm know I was an asshole for various reasons, but we stuck it out and eventually worked it out. We just went out for our 36th anniversary tonight. I'm pretty glad for it and she told me tonight she wants 36 more. Looking back I could pick out plenty of things to be still mad about and I'm sure she would have an even longer list, but it was worth getting past that. IMHO it isn't until the new wears off that a couple can start making love, and I'm not talking about sex. It takes a long time to make love and ya have to start over if you bail. Therefore I'm for not bailing. But you are the one that has to decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 but we stuck it out and eventually worked it out. We just went out for our 36th anniversary tonight. I'm pretty glad for it and she told me tonight she wants 36 more. Congratulations to you and the Missus, Chef. "We stuck it out and eventually worked it out" is probably what all of us geezers with long-term good marriages have to contribute to the discussion. I know it might sound trite and over-simplified, but it's the engine of the relationship. Sometimes, when my husband and I were so furious with each other we could hardly keep from mutual strangulation, we enacted our Short Term Manifesto. This consisted of agreeing to go four hours without contact or conversation, to cool off and try to gain perspective; to return to dialogue at the end of the four hours and, if we still hated each other down to the lining of our intestines, try another four hours, and so on. It was aggravating and tedious. Maybe that's why it made us work harder at self-understanding and mutual acknowledgement of our essential goodness. Anything to avoid the Manifesto! Now, if the other partner isn't essentially good... I got nuthin'... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulQ Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 It so often happens that we think the grass is greener on the other side; but once we get to the other side, we discover the grass really isn't greener; it was greener where we came from; we just couldn't see it. Unfortunately, once we're on the other side of that fence, it's often the case we can never return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 At times I look at my husband and say to myself, "Why did I marry you?". He has gained weight, he has a pot belly he didn't have when we got married. He has very poor social skills, it is almost impossible to engage him in conversation when we are with a group of people. He is stingy. He never gives affection unless I initiate it. He is a slob. He always seems to be in a bad mood. But wtf I married him. I knew he was this way before we got married. I am always trying to console myself, "All marriages have problems." If I was married to someone else it would be the same way. Maybe its just me. Maybe I just need to look at it differently? This doesn't sound usual. All husbands will get that way once you are in a relationship long enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKR Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 This doesn't sound usual. All husbands will get that way once you are in a relationship long enough. That's bullshit sexism right there. It would be like me saying that all wives get fat after having kids and do nothing but complain about their husbands not doing enough around the house or spending enough time at home. I'm not married, but I've been in a committed relationship for 6 years and I'm the one who's always working out; I'm the one in the better mood; I'm the one who is always asking my live-in gf to clean up her insane messes. I know there are married men just like me, so don't shit all over an entire sex because you picked the wrong men. ------ To the OP, I think you need to talk to your husband and tell him what you're feeling. You're not going to resolve this by not talking about it. People have said that your husband should have told you the big news about him possibly being out of work, but you should tell him about you being out of love. Decide if you want to try working things out; if you do, then tell him what's wrong and try to find a solution. If you don't, then tell him you want a divorce. Nothing is worse than spending your life in a relationship you don't want. I'm guessing you're not religious; so there's no religion holding you two together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 That's bullshit sexism right there. It would be like me saying that all wives get fat after having kids and do nothing but complain about their husbands not doing enough around the house or spending enough time at home. I didn't intend on it being sexist, just something I have observed in all the married couples in my life. My parents have been married 35+ years and this is all I hear about from my mum and from my extended family. That is not to say that I don't acknowledge the usual complaint husbands have about their wives. BTW, if I say something that sounds immature, it is probably because I am immature. I still have a ton of growing needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PocketAces Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I jusr found out that he doesn't know if he has a job. His company was sold three weeks ago and they told him they would call him if they decided to keep him. Well he hasn't heard anything and Monday is the day he is supose to starty at tthe new place. So this explains why he has been such a pain in the ass. typical guy right there. afraid to tell his woman that he may lose his job, and wants to be seen as a good man, but afraid to tell the woman he loves, "i may not have a job" so we turn cranky or become an asshole. we always come out of it, once we realize how much of an ass we've been. can't blame him either. its hard for a man to deal with not working. about the other things in your OP, here's some thoughts to consider (maybe some you already have or tried): 1. encourage him to diet better. if he fails to, you buy the groceries and buy healthy food, and at least force the household to have good food. maybe the pot belly wont go away as quick if he finds other means to get the food that has put the weight on him, but he will slim up a little because the junk food won't be in the house. 2. the social problems. do you two have a big social life? if not, then you can't blame him for maybe being socially inadequate. without practice, one can't just be a perfect ideal of something they don't have a lot of experience in. so you can't expect him to be something he doesn't have practice in, and if you knew this already, then there's no reason to bitch about it. us guys can get very complacent in our ways. its a good thing but can be a bad thing as well. so if it bothers you about his social skills, find ways that will help him feel more comfortable to be in a more social enviroment to try to improve his skills. find social activities that are interest of his. being social takes two, not one. its something we all constantly become better in. 3. the affectionate part. have you asked him why? and if he's stressed, no wonder he doesn't want to be affectionate. i wouldn't call that a guy thing, that's the way i've seen a lot of humans work. when your stressed, sex, and physical affection is usually the last thing on the mind. is this something new? i was in a similar situation once. my ex-fiancee were extremely sexual with each other and physically affectionate. alas the days of having sex in the morning, afternoon and at a bed time, or just be laying on the couch and wow, look what she's doing or me doing things out of no where. it was nice, i loved it, and look forward to it again with someone else. but when we started having problems, my affection level went down, a lot. other things were on my mind, like working through the problems instead of fucking, or being physical all the damn time. our problems were critical to our relationship surviving. and then she bitched about me not being affectionate when we were having severe relationship problems. and now we've been broken up for over a year now, for a lot of reasons. all i can say is, oh well to that concern. if there's problems in the relationship, first work out the problems, or try to help to let that be the biggest concern not if you get a loving "touch" from your husband, or his privates in you. affection come easier i think when major problems don't exist. 4. put your foot down. your a woman. stand up for yourself. i think sometimes we as people get so complacent that we forget to keep growing together with someone. so sometimes one side needs to intiate the relationship, be it the woman or the man. hope any of that helps to give you some new ideas to think about. yes it seems your husband may need to fix or work on some things, but be understanding and patient if you want to make it work with him. he's a man, and we deal with things differently than women do. if you wanted someone like you, turn lesbian. men will always work differently than women, just as women work differently than men. i think the key to relationships even tho i've never had it in a relationship is not to find someone like me, but to find someone i can co-exist with, work with, compatible with. i do hope you two can work it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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