How Do You Deal With Grief

[youngster84]

Did you ever feel stuck in grief?

I feel very guilty for leaving the many children from the last church I spent several years.

I used to be a friend to some and we had a lot of fun playing after the service. It's now about two or three years when I left everybody. I'm still stuck in a mixture of guilt, fear and grief. I still feel somewhat responsible for the kids and would love to be there friend, but I'm also afraid of there parents reaction because I think they wouldn't let me have contact with their kids and they would tell their kids I'm a bad person because I reject God, etc.

I feel very sorry for these kids and often think of them. It really brakes my heart sometimes, but I don't know what to do! I used to work on kids camps and having action games on saturdays, but now I feel so incredibly guilty for having left them and not being a better friend. I fear their parents rejective reaction towards me, and I wish this kids could just forget about me, but they will not, I guess. I'm sure some of them are asking themselves why I just turned away and having no contact anymore...

I also tell myself it's not my responsibility that their parents are such assholes, but I find myself stuck in grief and guilt.

 

When I was about twelve, I had a favourite youth leader I adored very much. Then we moved away and I saw him never again. For years I kept on thinking of him and I hoped he would visit us one day. He never did and I felt very disappointed and sad.

Now I'm "doing" (passiv) exactly the same to at least one boy and I'm very ashamed of it. Why am I "doing" this?! What am I afraid of?! I keep on telling me, I didn't do anything wrong, and it's true, but still, I'm feeling I'm avoiding something, and I don't understand what and why.

I don't want to crawl back, but I also don't want to stay where I am.

[R. S. Martin]

Good to see you back, youngster. Sounds like a really bad situation of false guilt. And grief would also make a lot of sense. So would loneliness if I correctly remember your story. I don't know how to deal with it. I have a lot myself. Write about it here. Talk about it with people who might be willing to listen. Sort through the feelings. Find a way to express them safely, label them, figure out what caused which feelings and why so you don't take responsibility for things you can't help (which is probably most things in life). Reading about feelings and how they are caused might help, too. Do you have access to a public or university library? Can you see a therapist for help with this?

[R. S. Martin]

About the boy you feel you abandoned. How old is he? Will he remember you? At first I thought you were talking about little children but then you said "youth." Can you send a New Year's card or something to let him you you are thinking of him, just to say hello? That will give him the opportunity to reconnect if he wants to. No need to explain yourself. Chances are he has moved on in life. On the other hand, if he really misses you, you might make a really good friend.

 

No need to talk religion until you get to know each other really well. Possibly he has changed his mind about god, too. That would be the ideal situation but we know that real life is not always ideal.

 

That is my suggestion for what it's worth.

 

~Ruby

[Amethyst]

The main way I deal with grief is by writing about it. Journaling helps me figure out a lot of stuff. Also, by putting problems into words, it makes them seem less of a problem somehow. It's like if you can write it down, you can brainstorm possible solutions.

 

I like Ruby's suggestion--sending a card just to say "thinking of you," "hi what's up," or whatever.

[florduh]

Did you ever feel stuck in grief?

I feel very guilty for leaving the many children from the last church I spent several years.

I used to be a friend to some and we had a lot of fun playing after the service. It's now about two or three years when I left everybody. I'm still stuck in a mixture of guilt, fear and grief. I still feel somewhat responsible for the kids and would love to be there friend, but I'm also afraid of there parents reaction because I think they wouldn't let me have contact with their kids and they would tell their kids I'm a bad person because I reject God, etc.

I feel very sorry for these kids and often think of them. It really brakes my heart sometimes, but I don't know what to do! I used to work on kids camps and having action games on saturdays, but now I feel so incredibly guilty for having left them and not being a better friend. I fear their parents rejective reaction towards me, and I wish this kids could just forget about me, but they will not, I guess. I'm sure some of them are asking themselves why I just turned away and having no contact anymore...

I also tell myself it's not my responsibility that their parents are such assholes, but I find myself stuck in grief and guilt.

 

When I was about twelve, I had a favourite youth leader I adored very much. Then we moved away and I saw him never again. For years I kept on thinking of him and I hoped he would visit us one day. He never did and I felt very disappointed and sad.

Now I'm "doing" (passiv) exactly the same to at least one boy and I'm very ashamed of it. Why am I "doing" this?! What am I afraid of?! I keep on telling me, I didn't do anything wrong, and it's true, but still, I'm feeling I'm avoiding something, and I don't understand what and why.

I don't want to crawl back, but I also don't want to stay where I am.

 

 

You must realize that everyone is replaceable. They will manage without you. Would you want to continue teaching them lies and supporting falsehoods?

 

You can't "un-know" what you know now about the Christian cult, so you could not "crawl back" without lying to both yourself and others. You must not feel responsible for what others do and think, but be true to yourself and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If only churches, youth groups and missions would fall apart when we left! But they never do. Each person must find his own way out or accept the false comfort of staying and being willfully blind to reality.

 

Your motives are honest and good, and you can do no more.

[youngster84]

@R.S.Martin

thanks a lot Ruby.

The boy I'm talking of is fourteen or fifteen by now. It's a good idea to send a post card. As I don't have a permanent address yet, he could be dissappointed by not being able to answer, but maybe he would be happy all the same. oh yes, I could give him my e-mail, too. His parents might censor it, but then it's not up to me.

 

What I am still trying to figure out, is why I can't move on. I know it's probably nothing you can tell me to or so, it's just that I don't I don't understand why I stuck, why I feel so paralyzed. I just don't understand why I can't move on, although I can perfectly argue that I am not responisble. In theory I am not responsible, but in real, I just feel so sorry for all the kids that grow up in there. I wished so much I would have had somebody (like I am today) having been my friend, back when I was fourteen, fifteen. I wished so much I could go back and give me a hug and rescue me from this evil fuckers...

I would have so much loved to have a real friend, just someone that isn't such a dick as my father was.

When I think of that boy I wrote before, I remember how it was when I was his age... and then it really breaks my heart when I think of how he could feel similar like I did when I was his age.

It's like as if I would never have grown out of this fourteen year old, as if would still be there and waiting for someone to come...and then I feel like "if nobody came when I was there, I will also not help this boy now"... This is how I really feel about it, and it's not something I can be proud of. I guess, this is what makes me shiver, my own coldness. This is where I am stuck. I wished I'd be different!

 

 

@amethyst

thanks for your post.

I also used to write a lot. For a while I didn't 'cause it was just overwhelming everytime I wanted to start,

but I'm glad I found this forum.

 

@florduh

I know you are right that I can't crawl back. I mean I could, but I wouldn't make it for long I guess.

 

But I disagree with you that everyone is replaceable. The persons I am thinking of are not adults that can make their own choices, but children!

 

I'm not thinking of helping anyone in terms of believe/religion/cult/church, it's simply that I wish that the boy I'm thinking of will not be as disappointed, as I was when I was finally suicidal as a young teenager.

 

But I even don't know if it's more about grieving for my own past or feeling sorry for these kids.

[R. S. Martin]

@R.S.Martin

thanks a lot Ruby.

The boy I'm talking of is fourteen or fifteen by now. It's a good idea to send a post card. As I don't have a permanent address yet, he could be dissappointed by not being able to answer, but maybe he would be happy all the same. oh yes, I could give him my e-mail, too. His parents might censor it, but then it's not up to me.

 

This sounds like a good plan.

 

But I even don't know if it's more about grieving for my own past or feeling sorry for these kids.

 

What I am still trying to figure out, is why I can't move on.

 

I found something in your post that gives me a clue, if it were me, but I may be wrong because it's you and not me. You say:

In theory I am not responsible, but in real, I just feel so sorry for all the kids that grow up in there. I wished so much I would have had somebody (like I am today) having been my friend, back when I was fourteen, fifteen.

I wished so much I could go back and give me a hug and rescue me from this evil fuckers...

It's in the part I highlighted. It seems your inner child--the boy you once were--is still in there wanting to be hugged. You are not the only one. I went on Google and found a few links that might help you reach back and hug the young boy inside of you.

 

I learned about Healing the Child Within, by Charles Whitfield. I read that book years ago so that is the term I searched for. The other links I found are websites online, in case you don't have access to books. Some of them are things you can do on your own with very few resources:

• Links to Inner Child Websites
  
• Being A Caring Parent To Your Inner Child
  

As stated, I don't know if this is what you need.

[pitchu]

Youngster84,

 

First, I would say there's a way in which you might be glad that you have these feelings because it shows you're connected to the feelings of others. (And who would have imagined an EX-Christian could be as human and empathetic as that?! )

 

Second, I second Ruby's suggestion of a card or note to the boy you mention, which, it seems, appeals to you, too.

 

Third, even though you invested in these kids in particular, your inability to return to them doesn't mean you can't invest in other kids. Maybe you could become a Big Brother?

 

I think it's swell that you care this much.

[youngster84]

hello Ruby and Pitchu

A simple post card with greetings and maybe my e-mail-adress seems to be a good solution.

I can't say more about it all at the moment, because often when I got that emotional, as I did above, I don't know what to say afterwards.

[pitchu]

hello Ruby and Pitchu

A simple post card with greetings and maybe my e-mail-adress seems to be a good solution.

I can't say more about it all at the moment, because often when I got that emotional, as I did above, I don't know what to say afterwards.

 

Understood.

 

{{hugs}}

[youngster84]

@ pitchu

 

thank you very much for encouraging me and the hugs.

I'm also glad I'm in touch with a lot of feelings, but unless they aren't sorted out, they are often confusing to me.

Thanks again for caring!

Hug you also

 

@ Ruby

 

Thank you for taking so much time for researching and writing.

I do have access to big liberies, where I, for example, got all the books from Alice Miller.

Thanks for the links. I think, I haven't heard of 'parenting strategies' before, but

accepting and loving myself and being honest with myself is very difficult for me.