An Interview With God

[Jasen]

An Interview with God

 

After the deity's surprise appearance last week in Times Square, Yahweh was gracious enough to sit down with our reporter, Katie Ling. Here is a transcript of the interview.

 

KL: First, thanks for coming. How should I address you?

YHWH: Well, I have a certain fondness for El Shaddai, but it is a bit presumptuous. Just call me Yahweh - one name, just like Brazilian superstars.

 

KL: No problem. So then Yahweh, you are the Judaic-Christian God?

 

YHWH: I AM

 

KL: Can you tell us about the Bible? Did you inspire it? Is it a faithful recording of actual events?

 

YHWH: Those are some complicated questions. I did directly inspire parts of it, even directly dictated a few lines, particularly in the Mosaic period. After that, it rather took on a life of its own.

 

KL: Hmmm. What do you say to the allegations that you acted unethically in the Old Testament? Some have accused you of such things as commanding massacres and genocides.

 

YHWH: Well… I did do some of that, though it's a bit overplayed. You have to understand the times. It was rough. I did what I had to. You see, the Jews were my people. I had to protect them. The people who were around them worshiped evil gods like Baal, Asherah, and Chemosh. You think what I did was bad, but these deities are into some really evil shit. Trust me, I know them. I had to stop my people from going astray.

 

KL: Wait… So… Are you saying that other gods exist?

 

YHWH: Certainly. There are hundreds of us. You humans have managed to invent thousands more, but still there's a good number of us. You can even tell this from a careful reading of the Old Testament, see for instance: Judges 11:23-24.

 

KL: Well then, are you omnipotent? Will you tell me about your abilities?

YHWH: We have existed eternally. Together we created the universe. We are powerful beyond your imagination, but we are not quite omnipotent how you view the term. We know everything that has happened, and everything that is happening. We do not know the future, we're pretty good at predicting it, but occasionally even we are surprised. We are omni-present, in a certain way… But we generally focus on one star system at a time. We have what you would call personalities that vary greatly.

KL: I remember something an atheist friend of mine said once. I imagine he'll have to question his views now. Anyways, he said he wasn't worried about God's wrath because God was defeated by iron chariots in the Old Testament.

YHWH: Ah, yes. An amusing account. My people, the Jews, were defeated by the Canaanites with iron chariots. At the time they couldn't face well-equipped chariots in the plains. To say I couldn't defeat them is ludicrous of course. It is simply… bad form to intervene too much at that stage.

 

KL: But you definitely have intervened on occasion?

 

YHWH: Certainly, sometimes quite spectacularly. Recall the challenge between Elijah and the prophets of Baal at Mount Carmel. Ha, I really showed that jackass Baal! He was so embarrassed that he virtually ignored your planet afterwards.

 

KL: You implied that you're active in other star systems as well. Have you often left this planet?

 

YHWH: Yes. In fact, on some planets I am much more active, on others less so. I ignored this planet for quite some time after what the Assyrians and the Babylonians had done to my people. But they surprised me. The development of a true monotheism from a culture on the short end of the stick is quite rare indeed. Monotheism is of course not true, but it is generally a very useful stage for a species to experience.

KL: So there are other intelligent species out there? That is beings more like us, not gods like yourself?

 

YHWH: Yes, thousands just in your galaxy alone.

KL: Will we meet any of them soon?

 

YHWH: Perhaps.

 

KL: Back to earth… You've identified yourself with the god of the Old Testament. Are you also the triune god of the New Testament? Are you Jesus?

 

YHWH: No. I said I was the god of Christianity, which is true. I am the one who has shepherded it. But there was no Jesus as the gospels presents him. There were a few men named Yeshua who were messiah pretenders during that general period, but there was no Jesus as such.

 

Christianity was a joint project between Kronus and myself. He's the only real god of your Greek pantheon, but he was willing to play behind the scenes alot. Kronus had been doing a great job with the Greeks - philosophy, math, etc.

 

The Greeks' Platonism had spread far from Greece and it some places it collided with exported Judaism. Mystery cults started to combine these elements and were producing some interesting ideas about mystical savior gods. They tended to be gnostic though, relaying on secret knowledge, and viewing matter as evil. The writings of Paul are a particularly Jewish influenced example of this.

 

Meanwhile, I had these preaches traveling around Galilee and Judea mouthing pithy sayings, as well as the rich history of Jewish monotheism. So we decided to combine the two and produce Christianity. The trinity idea isn't correct, but we decided to let it go.

 

KL: Many people are going to find that hard to accept.

 

YHWH: That's how it was.

 

KL: How active were you on earth after the formation of Christianity?

YHWH: Not that much really, especially after Christianity was legalized. I tried a few times to get the religion back on track, but it wasn't that easy given the low level of interference I was keeping.

 

KL: You've said monotheism isn't correct, but that it's a useful stage. Can you elaborate on what this right track is?

 

YHWH: Yes, but let's save that until the end of the interview.

 

KL: Ok, then what about Islam? Some like to point to the common origins of the Abrahamic religions. Are you also Allah?

 

YHWH: No. Allah's a different god. And I must say, he's a bit of a hack. Almost nothing in Islam is new, it's a blatant rip-off of Judaism combined with Arabian culture.

 

KL: Er… Well, can you tell us what happens after we die? There's a lot of curiosity on the subject.

YHWH: Sorry, we don't talk about that. It'd ruin the surprise. I will say that none of your earth beliefs or philosophies have it even mostly right.

 

KL: Are you sure you can't?

YHWH: Yes.

 

KL: Hmm. Well I should have known better, of course you're sure. Can you tell us some of the other earth gods that are real?

YHWH: Sure. Tezcatilpoca is real. I know I often come across as egotistical in the Bible, but Tezcatilpoca is on a completely different plane of giant egotism. Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva - all real. Yu-Huang and Sun-Wukong are real. Most of the Sumerian and Egyptian gods also. Odin is real, great guy too. Inti and Viracocha are real. Morrigan, Altjira, and Perkunas, are real. Those are the ones who've had the most impact on your planet, at least the ones that your history remembers.

KL: Why did you recently appear publicly?

YHWH: I have an important message to deliver - from all of the gods.

 

KL: Really? What's the message.

 

YHWH: First, I need to go back to the "right track" you asked about earlier. The right track is simply developing a society that is worthy of expanding into its galaxy. The message is this:

 

Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin.

 

 

Editor's note: After saying this Yahweh suddenly disappeared.