Iden Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I've been a christian for nearly my whole life.(except from the last month or two). All my friends are christian. I'm quit shy person and I don't have that many friends and I'm afraid leaving will cause me to lose the few ones I have. But I can't keep pretending to be christian. On the same time I can't keep going to church if I tell people I don't belive in God, can I? Its difficult enough to get friends. I can't really afford to lose any, and most of them I don't want lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I've been a christian for nearly my whole life.(except from the last month or two). All my friends are christian. I'm quit shy person and I don't have that many friends and I'm afraid leaving will cause me to lose the few ones I have. But I can't keep pretending to be christian. On the same time I can't keep going to church if I tell people I don't belive in God, can I? Its difficult enough to get friends. I can't really afford to lose any, and most of them I don't want lose. That depends on the church. If you are in a liberal church you may just get by with it. If you are in a more fundamentalist church, you will quite probably loose friends if you come clean, especially if your friendships are based on religion/church and don't have any other good dimensions. You may have to decide which is worse for you, lying, or making new friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hey Iden, Welcome! We aren't really a substitute for in-the-flesh friends, but we can be a good bunch to talk to. Also, someone recently recommended meeting up with others in your area that share similar interests through meetup.com I just signed up yesterday for a group in my area. I'm also rather quiet, and I take a while to warm up to others. My wife and I also belong to a couple of high-IQ groups in our area and enjoy their company. So there are options outside of church for friends (and friends that won't threaten you with an eternity of molten sulfur for being different). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
burntwings Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Are all of your friends SuperChristians, or just the kind that go to church regularly and pray before meals? If they're not SuperChristians, maybe you won't have to sacrifice your friendships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trike Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 It's tough to gauge. When you come clean you will find who your "true" friends are-the ones who enjoy your company for your personality and other qualities and that don't get too hung up on the "My religion says you are going to hell" thing. I lost most of my friends when I deconverted, people that I truly thought would be there for me always and even the guy I thought I would marry. You might be able to gauge them on whether or not anyone in your circle of friends has relationships with people outside of their own church? If they do, they may be more flexible in their views of who they can "yoke" themselves with. But in the end, you must be true to yourself. Putting an a mask for others becomes burdensome after awhile and is difficult to maintain. Best of luck to you and I hope that you find friends that appreciate you no matter what religion/personal philosophy you follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iden Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Well, my church is fairly active conservative church. Many of my friends is into missionary work. They are very nice and is certainly not because of them I deconverted, but on the same time I don't think they will understand if I tell them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 6, 2009 Super Moderator Share Posted January 6, 2009 You're right, the missionary types will not understand, and likely try to re-convert you. In that case, they were never friends in the normal sense, but rather "brothers and sisters in Christ." If you don't share their beliefs, they can't relate to you. You become a threat because rather than bolster their own beliefs, you challenge them to think, because if it could happen to you it could happen to them. Regular, normal people are out there and you will meet them. Don't try too hard to make instant friends - you will naturally find some people you will click with. Good luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 You'll have a hard time becoming a person you're comfortable with if you're not honest in the way you live your life. It doesn't mean you have to be confrontational with your friends, but you'll become guilty and sad trying to pretend you're something you're not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbobrob Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 People addicted to drugs have the same problem, they see that all their friends do drugs, and they can't imagine finding people who will like them once they stop using drugs. But if you move your life away from the drug dealers and users, in time, you will find there are a lot of other people out there who have never used drugs, or have used and quit. You won't need those old "friends" , who were friends only because you were into the same junk they were into. You might even be surprised by one or two who understand you are more than just someone into the same stuff, that your friendship means more to them then their choosen drug (religion). You won't know until you are honest with yourself and with them. Not fair to either you or them if you are hiding and pretending to be something you are not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taphophilia Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 What you believe is your own business and you have no obligation telling anyone if you do not want to. You do not have to discuss religion with your friends. You have only been out of it a few months and you are going to grow and change. The more you learn and the more knowledge you have away from Christianity, the more your friends will get on your nerves. You don't have to give up your friends but after a while you will just not be able to relate to them anymore. You will just come to the point where you will outgrow them and there is nothing wrong with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueGiant Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I don't suggest lying to your friends about your religion, partly because it will get very tiring after a while, and partly because of the betrayal they will feel if they find out second-hand, and realize you've been lying to them. Tends to cause more drama than a high-school musical. At the same time, I would definitely tell them, if you do decide to tell them, on *your* own terms. If you do tell them, they may stand by you, they may see you as a re-conversion target, they may throw you under the bus, they may drive the bus, everyone's different. My friends stuck by me, but we were friends out of reasons that didn't stem from religion (in fact, I had almost no religiously-related friends). You know your friends far better than any of us here (well, unless we know the same people in meat-space, which I doubt, by and large). Do you usually worry about losing your friendships, though (on other topics?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shantonu Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I've been a christian for nearly my whole life.(except from the last month or two). All my friends are christian. I'm quit shy person and I don't have that many friends and I'm afraid leaving will cause me to lose the few ones I have. But I can't keep pretending to be christian. On the same time I can't keep going to church if I tell people I don't belive in God, can I? Its difficult enough to get friends. I can't really afford to lose any, and most of them I don't want lose. I remember when I first began to doubt. One of my best friends joined me in my doubt experience, but it was much more painful for him because he was part of a Chinese evangelical church. So all of his friends and marriage prospects were in that church. I was a Roman Catholic so it was easy for me to leave since I had few friends in the church. Good luck with everything. It's a difficult process but it's worth it. My friend wound up finding a liberal girl and got married. He now occasionally goes to a local Episcopal church that is very progressive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 If being honest with your friends causes you to lose your friends, then they weren't really your friends in the first place. Believe me, I'm introverted. I know about being shy. There are ways to make new friends but it takes time. You can do things like volunteer, join a book club, or some other interest group. I play World of Warcraft and have lots of online friends. A lot of people make friends at work. You could take a class in a subject that interests you. There are a lot of different ways to make friends. Might I suggest something like Live Journal? It's a fairly safe way to interact with people online and if someone is being mean, you can delete their comment or ban them from your journal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kuroikaze Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 This is just my view of it, but if you have to pretend to be someone else so that someone will be friends with you then that person is NOT your friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GypsyMoon Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I've been a christian for nearly my whole life.(except from the last month or two). All my friends are christian. I'm quit shy person and I don't have that many friends and I'm afraid leaving will cause me to lose the few ones I have. But I can't keep pretending to be christian. On the same time I can't keep going to church if I tell people I don't belive in God, can I? Its difficult enough to get friends. I can't really afford to lose any, and most of them I don't want lose. Hi Iden, As one who's just left home, (as well as a fundie family and church), I can say that I really feel for you. As others have already said here, it does depend on what church you are in as to whether you will lose your friends. I lost my family, but because there are only like 3 teenagers in the church i went to ( and we were all in the same family), I can't say I lost many friends. All I can say is that you have to work out what's best for you because everyone's situation is different. Good luck and I hope things work out for you ok. GM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trike Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I can tell a similar tale and tell you how it worked out for me. Who knows? Maybe your situation is similar. I've been in a similar situation before when I was first starting on the path to deconverting. I was in a Christian improv group at my college. We did shows at Christian schools, churches, youth groups, family camps, etc. It was a blast, I loved it, I loved making people laugh and I loved the people I did it with most of all. That year there was a big push to do more Christian-outreach type things, starting with giving testimonies at each show. Knowing that I would be expected to give a testimony (and seeing how my fellow group members questioned a potential member putting down that he wanted to be "more than just friends" with Jesus) I decided to come clean and tell them that I was doubting. They were ok with that, they were supportive and didn't try to "draw me back to the flock" too much. I finished out the year with them before, regretfully, I left due to the fact that I could not reconcile who I was with the mission statement of the group. I was terrified of losing them as friends and terrified to try-out for the other improv group on campus because I was sure the chemistry would not be nearly as good. But telling my friends that I was doubting (Christians are more sympathetic to doubters than apostates) and going through that process with them helped them to see that I was the same exact person that I had always been and that that wasn't changing, only my religious beliefs. So perhaps you should open up to your friends that you are doubting and are taking time out to study your own religion and others (which, I am assuming you are doing). Hopefully, they will continue to hang around you and see that you are not turning into some evil, fire-breathing atheist and they will respect whatever your decision you ultimately come to because they have seen how carefully you have studied and weighed your options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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