Exalya Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Like almost everyone else, I was raised in a highly religious family. My family was also particularly dysfunctional. I piece together the story of my mother's life, which lead to mine. She was free-spirited and smart like me, I've read her old poems and I could have written them myself. She was overcome with borderline personality disorder and started to lose it when she was 16--however, she went for drugs at first, not religion. She married my dad, got back on track a little, and then got pregnant. She didn't want a baby and went to have an abortion... for whatever reason, she did not. I don't know if it was having a kid she didn't want or the guilt of almost aborting me, or if it was just her illness taking over, but after I was born she went full-force fundamentalist Christian beyond anything her parents ever did. My father was not good enough, so she kicked him out. Gave up a life with my dad, who I recently found out is an easy-going decent person, for a life of poverty for both myself and her. I grew up covering for my mother's illness, all the while listening to her religious condemnation for anyone different, anyone not Christian, anyone black, gay, anyone with a mental disorder, anyone depressed. She used her religion to abuse me, and I thought it was normal. I was what she wanted me to be... I was a Christian. But I could never condemn everyone in the world like she could. I prayed every night, I believed in the bible, and I knew that some of the nicest people in the world were going to hell... but I couldn't think about it, couldn't question it, because if I did I felt like I would just die. Really, I thought that thinking any differently would end in my certain demise, and naturally, my mother would put me on the street. It was when I was about 13 that I started to question. I was reading books (a pasttime my mother despised) and found one called "Illusions" by Richard Bach. It basically said that thinking was okay, and being yourself was okay, so in the privacy of my own mind I constructed the person I wanted to be, outside of my mother's religion. I lived without any human contact but my mother and the lady at the groccery store for a year, from when I was 13 until I was 14, homeschooled, locked in an RV, by myself most of the day. I talked to people online some, people who my mother would never approve of. My best friend came out of the closet, and I accepted. I met a boy online who I began to love who was not Christian, and he was really my turning point. He convinced me that my life was not normal, and that I could really leave the religion and my mother's fears, I could have friends, I could accept people like I believed I should. If I didn't believe that gays, atheists, and the mentally ill were worthless and going to hell or demon-posessed, then why did I still consider myself Christian? By the time I was 15 and had run away, I was free. I took my savings, my highschool diploma, and the credits I had begun to earn in college, and I left. I'm now married to the boy I met online. I have friends, I have a family of my own, and I have my own unique beliefs free of religions--chief among them are do no harm, and just be happy. That's all I ever really wanted, and even though it's sometimes difficult, it seems so much easier now that I can whole-heartedly accept people. I'm going to medical school next year, at least that's the goal... I want to help other people, regardless of where they're from or what they believe, I want to make the lives of others at least a little bit better than mine was. Free from the god of hatred. I don't know if that helps anyone, but that's my story. It's fantastic and crazy, but that's how it happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Welcome to Ex-C Exalya. I read your story. You have overcome incredible hardships to be able to go to medical school. My best wishes for your continued success, and I hope we see many more posts from you here in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Like almost everyone else, I was raised in a highly religious family. My family was also particularly dysfunctional. I piece together the story of my mother's life, which lead to mine. She was free-spirited and smart like me, I've read her old poems and I could have written them myself. She was overcome with borderline personality disorder and started to lose it when she was 16--however, she went for drugs at first, not religion. She married my dad, got back on track a little, and then got pregnant. She didn't want a baby and went to have an abortion... for whatever reason, she did not. I don't know if it was having a kid she didn't want or the guilt of almost aborting me, or if it was just her illness taking over, but after I was born she went full-force fundamentalist Christian beyond anything her parents ever did. My father was not good enough, so she kicked him out. Gave up a life with my dad, who I recently found out is an easy-going decent person, for a life of poverty for both myself and her. I grew up covering for my mother's illness, all the while listening to her religious condemnation for anyone different, anyone not Christian, anyone black, gay, anyone with a mental disorder, anyone depressed. She used her religion to abuse me, and I thought it was normal. I was what she wanted me to be... I was a Christian. But I could never condemn everyone in the world like she could. I prayed every night, I believed in the bible, and I knew that some of the nicest people in the world were going to hell... but I couldn't think about it, couldn't question it, because if I did I felt like I would just die. Really, I thought that thinking any differently would end in my certain demise, and naturally, my mother would put me on the street. It was when I was about 13 that I started to question. I was reading books (a pasttime my mother despised) and found one called "Illusions" by Richard Bach. It basically said that thinking was okay, and being yourself was okay, so in the privacy of my own mind I constructed the person I wanted to be, outside of my mother's religion. I lived without any human contact but my mother and the lady at the groccery store for a year, from when I was 13 until I was 14, homeschooled, locked in an RV, by myself most of the day. I talked to people online some, people who my mother would never approve of. My best friend came out of the closet, and I accepted. I met a boy online who I began to love who was not Christian, and he was really my turning point. He convinced me that my life was not normal, and that I could really leave the religion and my mother's fears, I could have friends, I could accept people like I believed I should. If I didn't believe that gays, atheists, and the mentally ill were worthless and going to hell or demon-posessed, then why did I still consider myself Christian? By the time I was 15 and had run away, I was free. I took my savings, my highschool diploma, and the credits I had begun to earn in college, and I left. I'm now married to the boy I met online. I have friends, I have a family of my own, and I have my own unique beliefs free of religions--chief among them are do no harm, and just be happy. That's all I ever really wanted, and even though it's sometimes difficult, it seems so much easier now that I can whole-heartedly accept people. I'm going to medical school next year, at least that's the goal... I want to help other people, regardless of where they're from or what they believe, I want to make the lives of others at least a little bit better than mine was. Free from the god of hatred. I don't know if that helps anyone, but that's my story. It's fantastic and crazy, but that's how it happened. I am so glad you broke free of that. Welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Welcome to the forums, Exalya. As I read your story I was reminded of the movie, "Carrie." Your mother and her mother sound eerily similar. What a wretched childhood to have overcome with such success and happiness. Congratulations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trike Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Wow! What an amazing story! I am glad that you have been able to have overcome all that and are now living a life that, from what it sounds like, you enjoy greatly. Best of luck to you with your goals of medical school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whateverlolawants Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Wow, you are amazingly strong. Thank you for sharing your story. Do you have any contact with your mother now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exalya Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks for the welcomes. ^.^ As to the question, I do not have ongoing contact with my mother. Conversing with her is like walking on eggshells; if I phrase something improperly I earn her scorn, and I just don't feel I need to subject myself to that. Last time we spoke she made vague, offensive comments about my marriage... so it's going to be a while before we speak again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 11, 2009 Super Moderator Share Posted January 11, 2009 That was some story. You are an extraordinary person. Welcome, and I'm glad you set yourself free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
defygravity Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 That is quite a life story. Good luck in medical school!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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