noob Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Well, Noob, my husband and I are going to tell his boss that we are atheists in about... 3 1/2 hours. I'm nearly in a cold sweat already. Maybe tomorrow you'll be giving us advice on a new thread! Haha... I'm totally freaked out. I keep thinking of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: "Eyes on the prize, Violet!" For you, it seems like the prize is a peaceful relationship between you and your mom. Don't let her goad you into a reaction you regret. Remember, she might have eternity, but you only have one life with her. You seem to have a great personality, so let that win her. You can never argue anyone away from a position. In fact, it's one of the psychological elements of indoctrination. The more someone defends a position, the more they will become entrenched in it, even if it wasn't important to them in the first place. Make sure that whatever you do, it is what you are choosing, not a reaction. If the time comes to put an end to an element of your relationship, only take that step calmly and rationally, not in the heat of a debate. You'll do great. Wow! I think you and your husband are incredibly brave! You seem like you really have it all together, even during what must be a stressful time. I don't know how you expect this meeting to go, but I certainly hope for the best for the two of you. I do hope that you let us know the outcome - good or bad. And with that, I will give your words back to you: You'll do great. Thank you so much for the wise advice. I cannot even begin to tell you how much the wisdom and support on this site has meant to me. Also, thank you for the compliment about my personality! I'm quite the talker face to face and obviously I enjoy writing lots and lots of words. I've said for years, if I could find a job where I get paid by the word, I would be a multi-millionaire!!! Best wishes, Prysm!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Noob, you did great, even if it wasn't done in the manner you'd planned. So there's still your dad as an element in all this. Might he help smooth things over? Even though my situation with one of my daughters (stricken by the charismatic viral strain) is exactly the reverse of yours with your mother, there's one thing that's likely to be the same: The sense on the part of the mother that she's failed. She probably won't tell you she's feeling this way. I didn't tell my daughter. But you don't even have to bring it up if you simply stress that the aspects of you that you're happiest with and which seem to make other people happy are attributes developed under her guidance and love for you (or words to this effect), my guess is that this will ease her mind... even if she rebels against the notion that you could be sound and happy and bring joy to others without god and jesus. Affirm her as "mother" and the rest of the working-through might not be quite so horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Noob, you did great, even if it wasn't done in the manner you'd planned. So there's still your dad as an element in all this. Might he help smooth things over? Even though my situation with one of my daughters (stricken by the charismatic viral strain) is exactly the reverse of yours with your mother, there's one thing that's likely to be the same: The sense on the part of the mother that she's failed. She probably won't tell you she's feeling this way. I didn't tell my daughter. But you don't even have to bring it up if you simply stress that the aspects of you that you're happiest with and which seem to make other people happy are attributes developed under her guidance and love for you (or words to this effect), my guess is that this will ease her mind... even if she rebels against the notion that you could be sound and happy and bring joy to others without god and jesus. Affirm her as "mother" and the rest of the working-through might not be quite so horrible. Pitchu, thank you so much for the encouragement and the astute observation. In spite of her manipulative ways, my mother and I have always had an excellent relationship. And, I like to believe that she views me in a very positive way. I can see how this revelation might make her feel as if she has failed as a mother. I think she will always worry that I have chosen an eternity of damnation, but I believe that I can demonstrate to her that my lack of belief has not changed who I am. And I can certainly affirm her as "mother" by pointing out the many, many ways that she has had a positive impact on the person that I am. Thanks again! I really appreciate the feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
white_raven23 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It's amazing how the Truth moves us to speak...(sound familiar?) I remember back when I was a christyun...anytime someone wanted to insult the crap out of someone else...all they had to do was preface the hurtful words with "God is moving me to tell you this"...and because they've played the Prophet Card...the poor listener is trapped into listening to some cruel diatribe as though each scornful word is precious as rubies. Last time a former friend started to say "God is moving me to say..." I cut them off with, "I had that problem once...took some Metamucil and everything worked out fine." That person doesn't talk to me anymore. But now...now we find ourselves moved to speak of our deconversion, which is our right. The messed up thing is...we are ALL so used to being evangelized, that when we tell someone where we are at, they can infer that they think we are telling them THEY need to do as we do too! And we aren't saying that at all! I deflated someone (literally) who was all puffed up with anger about my views....and I couldn't get why they were so worked up. I finally had to ask "Why are you so pissed? It's not like you have to share my views or anything!" And their anger petered out of them like a leaky balloon, bacause they had not considered that either! So it might help calm the waters if Mom knows that you are not out to make her join you in hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 12, 2009 Super Moderator Share Posted January 12, 2009 Bwaahhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhaaaaaa! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysealclubber Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Noob, I hope things are alright, you've done a brave thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Just think, you can never say anything worse than what you've already said! She could say that she's gay... I should have told her I was gay and an atheist and then said, "No, not really. I'm just an atheist." Think of how relieved she would have been!!!! (Btw, that's the first time I ever said that I was an atheist. I've managed to tiptoe around it until now.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Thanks!!! I'm pretty sure mom knows that I know that she won't be joining me on this one! But thanks to you, I now know what to tell someone when they tell me they're being moved to tell me blah, blah, blah... In fact, I'm going to be looking forward to the opportunity!!! Last time a former friend started to say "God is moving me to say..." I cut them off with, "I had that problem once...took some Metamucil and everything worked out fine." That person doesn't talk to me anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Bwaahhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhaaaaaa! Oh florduh! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not Basement Cat!!!!!!!!! I'm burning, I'm burning.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Noob, I hope things are alright, you've done a brave thing. Thank you so much, babysealclubber! I'm not normally brave, but something certainly "moved" me to get that off of my chest. And I really do feel much lighter! As a good friend told me, mom and I will both be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 ... but my wife (now ex) was/is EXACTLY like your mother. The fact of the matter is that my wife basically mothered and controlled me throughout our 9 year marriage. Completely manipulative and abusive because life HAS to be HER way. It had to fit within her constraints or she fell out of control. Maybe you can relate to that with your own mother. I wouldn't be surprised. I've learned that it's somewhat common. I've even had issues with my own grandmother lately because I've been learning that SHE is the reason why my dad's side of the family is so fucked up. It's taken them up to their 50s to finally be able to stand up to her in any fashion at all. My coming out to my wife was almost spot on to yours with your mother. Grahicsguy, Iin my experience, it is much worse to be married to someone like that. My first husband was a critical, control freak. I guess you feel lucky that you are talking about your EX wife!!! After I finished the OP in this thread, I found myself thinking about all of the things that my mother said during those conversations. I keep coming back to one of her comments that really bothers me. I have a group of friends that share one of my hobbies, and we meet regularly for breakfast, dinner, picnics, and various activities. During a conversation with my mom, she said that if I didn't hang out so much with my friends, that I would need church and god more. How twisted is that? She would rather see me lonely and seeking an imaginary friend than see me enjoying real live friendships that bring a lot of joy into my life. What a totally screwed up mind set! It's sad that so many people get messed up by seemingly good intentions of family members. I'm glad to hear you escaped your abusive relationship intact! Thanks again for all of your comments and support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts