Kathlene Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Alrighty, some of you may remember a post I put on last month in ex-christian life about my dilemma of renewing a relationship with my father. Just to recover some points. I had a horrible upbringing, and my father was an abusive alcoholic who also incidentally abused my two sisters when they lived with them. I stopped seeing him completely when I was 10, and my sisters came to live with my mother, brother and I. I saw him a couple of times when I was 25, then stopped again for 10yrs. Now I am 35 and quite eager to renew a relationship with him, despite the hideous and horrendous things I know he has done. I am trying to start a new relationship based on trust and a future. Here's the catch. Out of courtesy I told my mother I was going to start seeing him again, because I didn't want her hearing it through the lightning fast grapevine in my family. I knew that would hurt her, so I was brave and told her myself. Well her response wasn't quite what I was expecting. It appears that although I am a grown up mature adult, I apparently cannot really live my life the way I want it. The ultimatum is this, so she told me. If I choose to and continue to see my father, she will have absolutely nothing to do with me and I am completely cut-off from her! So now I feel manipulated and controlled. This will not stop me at all from pursuing a relationship with my father. I just want answers to the puzzle of my life and my past. So I am now out in the cold, fighting a war with my entire family. I get the abusive emails from my brother and everyone elses opinion. My question is .WHY DO PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN STILL CONTROL THEM AND INTERFERE WITH THEIR LIVES????? Do you ever get to an age where a parent just lets you be to make stuff-ups and let you go? Cripes, I surely hope I am not that way with my son when he is older. Does anyone else suffer from this, or is it just my family in particular? I can understand she is frightened for me. But surely there comes a time when you stand back and let a child walk on their own and make their own mistakes. I know he is evil. Im not sure whether he would be violent now he is getting old. I know he lies, and deceives, and yet there is still a small space in my brain that still wants to know him. See if I can connect with him. Does that make me a traitor? even though I know what he did to my sisters and the rages he used to have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youngster84 Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Does anyone else suffer from this, or is it just my family in particular? I also suffer from parents that don't respect me at all, and even like to see me suffer. My question is .WHY DO PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN STILL CONTROL THEM AND INTERFERE WITH THEIR LIVES????? Because they don't and never did see their child as a person that deserves to be respected and loved. Im not sure whether he would be violent now he is getting old. I know he lies, and deceives, and yet there is still a small space in my brain that still wants to know him. See if I can connect with him. Does that make me a traitor? even though I know what he did to my sisters and the rages he used to have? I think it doesn't make you a traitor trying to get to know how your father is. I think, it makes you a traitor if you force yourself to have feelings you don't have. If you still do have doubts, although you know he is evil, then it's the best way to find out (safely). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted January 17, 2009 Super Moderator Share Posted January 17, 2009 My question is .WHY DO PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN STILL CONTROL THEM AND INTERFERE WITH THEIR LIVES????? Because the children let them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RubyHypatia Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Some people are just more controlling. Has she tried to control other aspects of your life? If your father is willing to renew his relationship with you, that could be a good thing. Maybe he's sorry for the things he's done. Your mother shouldn't stand in the way. JMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I'm with Florduh on this one. But there is no way that your decision on this matter isn't going to cause you pain. This guy has caused your mom too much pain for her to be rational about her anger. You won't be able to reason her out of this. I wouldn't spend too much time trying. You are going to have to suck it up and take the shot one way or another. I'd take the smaller fist if I were you, but you are the decider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mahjong Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 FAMILY, the OTHER F WORD! The condensed virsion: Parents should let their kids live their own lives! If I were your mom I would talk to you about your decision, then let it be your decision and your life. And nomatter the outcome, I would not judge you and would choose to be supportive of you. My family had my evil grandfather. He was a pedophile and there was not a person in the family who was not 'touched' by him, in one way or another. It tore the family up over 3 generations. I have uncles who have not spoken to one another in 40 years! One of these uncles was the one who pressed charges against my grandfather (his own father) and had him put in prison. And I helped. But this twisted everyone's brains around and everyone took sides. My sisters and I were discredited (too gentle a word for what really happened) for years. A cousin I babysat for when we were young is reaching out to family members and says he can't see why everyone hates us. All the other cousins admitted that they, too, were abused by the grandfather. No one asked them what, if anything, happened to them when they were the 'right' age for the grandfather. It has all come out over the years. Still, we are hated and maligned by some of the family because we chose to have nothing to do with our abuser. My mother, on the other hand, remained in a strained and distant relationship with her father and my aformentioned uncle will not speak to her. It all sucks. Family will do what it will. One parent not wanting you to know the other 'abusive' parent is pretty much par for the course, as they say. Some things we just cannot 'live and let live' about. It's a given that you HAVE the right to do whatever you want. I just wonder if you are expecting something from the 'abusive' parent that this parent cannot give. And can you handle the crap you will most likely receive. IMHO, I don't believe people are able to change their core being. I believe they can modify their behavior to become socially acceptable. So I hope you are not expecting your father to be special, now that he's older. I have a very strong belief in not telling my children what to do. When my daughter was young, if she was dating someone I wasn't crazy about, I never knocked him. Eventually my daughter would tell me things that were going on that she didn't like and I would listen and ask questions. She would, inevitably, talk her way through it and break up with the guy. My point being: I don't believe ultimatums of this type are good because the person making the ultimatum is not allowing the other person to think and grow and experience their own life, even if it does mean pain. (As my husband likes to say, experience is non-transferrable.) And they add to the burden of their already burdened child. I would rather die than tell one of my kids I refuse to have anything to do with them, nomatter what!!! I hope your mother will think this through!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 WHY DO PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN STILL CONTROL THEM AND INTERFERE WITH THEIR LIVES????? I'm with Florduh as well, but I would also say that a lot of us "children" naturally want to please our parents. Eventually we have to get past that and realize that we are bound to disappoint our parent/s at some point in our lives. Control is often also related to insecurity. If the parent/s hasn't worked through their own issues in life they often view a child's "failure" as something they've done wrong and the, "I need to fix this," mentality comes to the forefront. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 The ultimatum is this, so she told me. If I choose to and continue to see my father, she will have absolutely nothing to do with me and I am completely cut-off from her! Where in this statment has your mother "told you what to do?" She certainly has told you about the consequences of your actions, but from what I read here, you are still free do as you please. How much athortiy over your life have you given over to your mother? I know what I wrote sounds kind of mean, but I can't help but see myself (of 20 years ago) in your post. I learned the anger I had toward my mother was misplaced. I should have been more angry with myself for allowing others to manipulate my actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Because the children let them. I think this is worth repeating. I don't mean to sound callus, and I'm not saying that the situation is your fault. But in my experience, most parents still want some control over their children even as adults- it's probably biologically driven. I think that the amount of control that they have (or try to have) is directly proportional to how much control they think they CAN have. If your mom knew that she couldn't control you, then she wouldn't try. Maybe I'm lucky in that my parents aren't particularly controlling (anymore), but I think this has a lot to do with the fact that they KNOW that I don't need them. I love them and all, but I don't need them emotionally or even financially, and they know from experience that if they piss me off, then they simply won't hear from me for a long time. My brothers are much the same way- we're all cold-hearted dickheads when it comes to family. And even within other families, I've seen parents be highly controlling of one sibling and not controlling of another- almost always to the extent that the sibling is dependent (emotionally or financially) on the parents. I don't know if this is a reasonable option for you, but it might be best to allow your mother to break contact for a while- to set a precedent if nothing else. Let her cool off for a few months. Then maybe initiate contact with her again- not making a big deal out of it, but letting her know that you want to be involved with her (even though you've demonstrated, but not stated, that you're not dependent on her). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mahjong Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I don't know if this is a reasonable option for you, but it might be best to allow your mother to break contact for a while- to set a precedent if nothing else. Let her cool off for a few months. Then maybe initiate contact with her again- not making a big deal out of it, but letting her know that you want to be involved with her (even though you've demonstrated, but not stated, that you're not dependent on her). Because the children let them. I agree with the above! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Better yet, you could go ahead and do what you want- contact your father if that's what you want to do... there's no need to tell your mother any more about it. You've already been more than considerate in warning her. If she hears about it through the grapevine, then she can decide what she wants to do. If she goes through with her threat... then there's your opportunity to set that precedent. But she might not go through with it at all... it might be an empty threat. In which case, she's still learned that she can't control you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 My question is .WHY DO PARENTS OF ADULT CHILDREN STILL CONTROL THEM AND INTERFERE WITH THEIR LIVES????? Do you ever get to an age where a parent just lets you be to make stuff-ups and let you go? Cripes, I surely hope I am not that way with my son when he is older. Does anyone else suffer from this, or is it just my family in particular? I think a lot of parents do this. I think it's an inability to recognize their adult children are adults and not, in fact, children to be ordered around. Giving advice is one thing, attempting to control is another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodsmoke Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I don't remember who said it, but it was explained to me thusly once (ironically, I think it was someone in my family who said it): Your parents were your guardians for ~20 years. They're probably going to need at least that long to break the habit. Beyond that, Florduh and, by extension, Iskel hit the nail directly on the head. Isker's description of his relationship with his parents matches pretty well exactly the relationship I have with my own folks. They haven't tried to control or interfere in my life in years, because they know I won't let 'em. Nor would the attempt ingratiate them to me at all. I still value their experience and have no problem with seeking/heeding their advice (most of the time, anyway; when I'm not being stupid, willful, obstinate, and/or etc), but ultimately, my life is just that. Mine. Realize the same is true for you and you should find life a bit easier to handle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathlene Posted January 18, 2009 Author Share Posted January 18, 2009 Thanks guys for all your responses and wisdom. I already told my Mum that she can do what she wants, but I am still going ahead on my own path of discovery and healing. I wont be controlled like that. I asked her what she will do if I decide to have a lifetime relationship with my father. Well she answered, I still won't have anything to do with you. Well there we go. Thats what bitterness and anger still residing in your life can do. It can make you distorted and irrational. I don't care anymore. I am an adult, and I will make my own decisions. I just can't believe I am middle aged nearly and I have parents still trying to tell me what to do. Its pathetic! They can go jump. There's my rant for the day!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Congatulations Kathlene, Chances are your mother will come around and with an entirely new perspective on your spine. My mother was a master of manipulation for my first 25 years until I realized I had just as many cards in my hand as she had in hers. It took awhile but a new equalibrium was established and we both grew from the experience. IBF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Your mother may have spent many years getting over your father and this brings back memories she does not want to remember? I had a grand mother that refused have my grand father's name spoken in her house after their divorce and chewed on anyone that broke that rule. That was her reason--getting over him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulQ Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 With respect to parents controlling their grown-up children; my favourite is when they threaten to take their kid off their will. My mother-in-law is great for this; if we don't do something she wishes us to do, we'd better do it or we'll be taken off her will. What better motivation to get busy, make lots of money, build a career, and become financially independent? This is exactly what my wife and I have been doing; so when it comes time for mother-in-law to pop her clog, we won't care if she leaves it all to a house full of cats. Of course, this is a double-edged sword. It also means that, if it comes time for us to pick out a nursing home for her, we will feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. Parents never seem to consider the possibility that they'll be spending their final years sitting in a diaper of their own waste day after day. It's the reason why I build a strong, positive relationship with my son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraOlive Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 I agree that you need to start living your own life and making your own decisions. I think that it's likely that if you've had a previously good relationship, your mother was making an empty threat, and when faced with the real prospect of cutting you out of her life, will change her mind. I have problems with my parents trying to tell me what to do, but not to the extent that they threaten not to talk to me. I've always wanted to make them happy, but I've realized that it's not always going to be possible to do that and to choose my own path. Still, I hate the guilt I feel when I see that I've hurt them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astreja Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 My mother was a master of manipulation for my first 25 years until I realized I had just as many cards in my hand as she had in hers. It took awhile but a new equalibrium was established and we both grew from the experience. This is a probable outcome, in my opinion. The reason is simple: Relationships are two-way affairs, and if you break one off unilaterally, you will lose something in the exchange. If it's something worth having and keeping, some form of reconciliation is likely. As to when, however.... (shrugs) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShadowWolf Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I don't know. My mom still tries to tell me, and my brother who is 10 years older than me, and my sister, who is 14 years older than me, what to do. Me and my brother don't let her, but my sister usually bends to her will. But then again, she is a helluva control freak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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