Parents

[Guest Red Snyper]

I have a father who could use a dose of morphine everyday. He has the worst temper this side of the Milky Way. I grew up resenting my father in many ways because of the way he talked to me and my siblings as we were growing up. Even today he makes me feel (or I let myself make me feel) that my ideas, reactions, opinions are fundamentally wrong and my parents are right. For example, I get the feeling that if I would want to move very far away then that means I am heartless for "abandoning" my family. I feel like I am always the bad guy and basically stupid.

 

Any of you felt the same?

 

RS

[spidermonkey]

Sadly, it's the story of my life. It's not so bad now that Fundie Father lives 40 miles away, but it still sucks. I could win the Nobel Prize and he'd bitch because I didn't win two. I think the man gets a hard-on from trying to prove me wrong, expressing his disappointment in me, or both.

[pandora]

I personally don't deal with this, but I see my husband dealing with similar issues. He has said more than once that his mother is probably right about the religion thing. He feels guilty for moving 30 miles away from his parents. While he doesn't always follow his dad's advice on financial matters, he always wishes he did (even though they were bad decisions). Even when they obviously screw up or are completely rude to me (they dislike me), the reasoning is "they mean well." I am not for hating your parents for mistakes they have made, but I am not for excusing them either. It seems that in the back of his mind somewhere, the way that his parents do things is ideal.

[godlessgrrl]

Yeah. I totally get this, mostly from my mother. I always have, as far back as I can remember. It has nothing to do with anything specific - it isn't about religion, intelligence, way of life, whatever. I don't really know if it's even personal, except in the details. In any case I've lived with a constant barrage of criticism (and other forms of abuse) from primarily my mother, ever since I was a child. I got some disapproval from my dad too, but it was more subtle.

 

The conclusion I've come to is that my mom is really just a critical person. And both of them tend towards catastrophic thinking. I remember a couple of years ago when I'd first started school and money was tight, they were convinced I was going to end up living out of a van at a local campsite, or homeless under a freeway overpass. I got yelled at for this possibility every time I talked to them. So much for support...

 

Nonetheless I'll admit that I firmly believe my parents consider me a big disappointment. I'm not sure if it's really true, but it's a feeling. So yeah, I hear ya.

 

It's been working for me lately to finally have a life that I really want. It gives me enough self confidence that I'm more able to tell my family to foff, if necessary. It also really, really, REALLY helped to realize that I was never going to measure up to what my parents wanted, no matter what I did, so I might as well do whatever the fuck I want. That attitude was/is extremely freeing.

[Guest Red Snyper]

(Ok this is bullshit. I lost an entire post and now I have to retype it.)

 

Gwen,

 

I can totally agree with you. I think my dad gives me the hardest time out of his four children. I feel as if I can do nothing to please him. Magnifying my mistakes and ignoring the compliments or a pat on the back for a good job done.

 

We, as children, were expected to enjoy their hobbies (horse racing and casinoes). My dad trained race horses so we stayed at the track most of our young lives. What kind of fun is that for a kid? The smell of fresh horse shit everywhere, the sweaty nights, the annoying bugs, and playing in the sand and dirt. It was misery at it's finest. Of course, the things I like are unimportant such as politics, history, science, humanitarianism. When I graduated from nursing school my dad asked if I was a "queer". I am not, of course, but he equates male nurses with homosexuality. Now that I quit nursing and work in retail he seems to regret my decision because of the money.

 

Other things their kids are expected to do, even as adults, include:

 

1. Live no more than five miles away from them for the rest of their

lives.

2. Non-verbally compelled to divulge to my mom the places I have been to that day and with whom I did things with.

3. Go with them on every trip and outing.

4. Share in their miserable life of mediocrity.

5. Catholicism is the only legitimate religion. (I don't get this because

neither of my parents are practicing this faith. My grandparents went

to Mass every Sunday and took us along but I have no qualms with

them. They were kind and loving people.)

6. Everything has a price. Don't dare do a good deed without getting

money in return.

7. The more selfish you are, the better.

8. According to my father terrorizing children with strong language

and a very loud voice is alright to bring about good behavior and

discipline.

 

Maybe more will come to me later.

 

I hear my dad talk behind his kids' backs all of the time so I definately know he must say a lot of things about me when I am not there. We must do things their way in everything or it is not right and we are stupid. God forbid that anyone has an independent thought or different feeling about something. To me, this shows immaturity on my parent's part.

 

RS

[Amethyst]

I grew up resenting my father in many ways because of the way he talked to me and my siblings as we were growing up. Even today he makes me feel (or I let myself make me feel) that my ideas, reactions, opinions are fundamentally wrong and my parents are right.

 

My mother treated me like this as a kid. She was the only one who was ever right, and I was always wrong, no matter what, unless I agreed with her 100%.

[I Broke Free]

My mother treated me like this as a kid.  She was the only one who was ever right, and I was always wrong, no matter what, unless I agreed with her 100%.

 

 

My mother was the same way. She even ended her comments with, “Don’t you think so?”

 

If I dared disagree, her typical response was, “I don’t know why you come all the way here just to upset me.”

 

To disagree with her was tantamount to saying, “You’re an idiot!”

[Amethyst]

My mother was the same way. She even ended her comments with, “Don’t you think so?”

 

Well, mine just ended most of her comments with, "You're going straight to hell!" I guess her prophecy came true.