Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 aw;lrkf]rek]eorkl'drmgw 4'pogik oeprgkwe[o5]4i0wi4 5[yihs[rithksoertkh'r5;ykw4]-sporkg,sdf,rgper5oiyw45-]w4i5y0w45ikypsore tkHslrtHKrsl hkw4-u0i4-uk-6]ku e5Kjd;LTYKjd'd;tl'jkytj\w-5o9a=-3495o6w=3\46tiosaea-0g ospetlyrsp h[oery=uj]eou0\ie=056ioue56[uokel5;'yjL as e][r450=3\-4otipsekly5 Ugh. ew-irt]0q3i5 It's so hard living in the "real world". Nothing makes sense. I am disgusted with myself. I don't know how to talk to people. I mean I DO, but I DON'T. Ugh I am so disgusted that I can't just be like everybody else. )@!(*#$&)(#@!&%_*(%&@#$)$&*(#&($*)&%(*$&^%(*#^% FUCK Goddamnit! !!!! Everything is alien to me, it would be like growing up in zero-gravity and then trying to make it on Earth later on. Or like growing up inside of Jupiter and then trying to make it on Earth with much less gravity. It's so disorienting and so difficult, and so painful. I don't have anyone who can make sense out of things and tell me what I should do, or how I should feel, or what I should think. I have to not only interpret reality (which is great I love freedom) but I also have to understand other peoples' realities well enough to fit in and get by and make it somehow. I am so confused and hurt inside and I don't know how to make sense of things. I am not bad I just want to to be like other people and be happy. I don't harm anyone and I would never, I just want to be content and understand how people view things. I want to understand what they are thinking and feeling and be like them. 90wyer98q3p4tye;ghoiertu093tu[34ut99e3ity[aeio[r0hieir0a)@W{U(#$A^G#S%YR^UIJH%$#@$SEDFDGFYHUK<UG*IYT ACK God I just hate that I don't understand, that I don't feel, that I don't think, that I don't "get" life out here in society outside the microcosm. It's just so very painful. It's so hard to fit in, it's so hard. I feel like crying. Sigh. ugh I feel like I am in the chair or about to be hung by ordinary everyday experiences. Goddamn I feel so trrapped. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 MOTHERFUCKING A Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shantonu Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 MOTHERFUCKING A Really? It can't be that bad. Can it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Emotional processing is difficult for me and painful coming from The Bor.... the microcosm. Life is hard emotionally. I go through the motions though. Doesn't mean I don't get torn up inside at times. Especially with new emotions that don't make any sense. Makes it even stranger and harder to comprehend. All the old models of dealing with my emotions are teh fail in the "real world" outside the microcosm. ACK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prysm Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 )@!(*#$&)(#@!&%_*(%&@#$)$&*(#&($*)&%(*$&^%(*#^% FUCK Goddamnit! !!!! yep, I think you put it really well right there. There is some serious culture shock... I haven't got any advice. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shantonu Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 MOTHERFUCKING A Really? It can't be that bad. Can it? It really can. Phanta Oh yeah. I forgot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prysm Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm just glad that you have a place where you can say these things without someone nagging at you to "give it to god" and "leave it at the cross" or whatever other suppressive sort of mental trick xtians tell people to attempt. Go ahead and let it all out, unintelligible symbols and all. (Maybe those are like tongues for us angry nonbelieving folk, lol.) You may consider looking into the phases of culture shock, since you really are in something of a new world right now and you might feel the same sort of things as ex-pats do when they enter a new culture. At the very least it might help reassure you that you aren't crazy for what you're going through. Good luck with whatever it is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emme Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I'm sorry you're hurting Quid. I hope things will look up for you. *hugs* Remember what the Pythons said..."Nobody expects the spanish inquisition". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Roger that. Thanks Ladies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Emotional processing is difficult for me and painful coming from The Bor.... the microcosm. Life is hard emotionally. I go through the motions though. Doesn't mean I don't get torn up inside at times. Especially with new emotions that don't make any sense. Makes it even stranger and harder to comprehend. All the old models of dealing with my emotions are teh fail in the "real world" outside the microcosm. ACK I see in you someone whose behavior here is within the range of acceptable as "human". I see someone who struggles to interpret new experiences and integrate new understandings and operations, someone who is often successful even as he is understandably sometimes--even often-- overwhelmed. It makes sense, as you would say. Isn't it possible that will ease in time, as you train your mind? Haven't you already made tremendous progress? Even if, hand-in-hand, so much pain for you. That is evident. You are valued here by many already. More will come. More value, more integration. More interpersonal connection. It's already playing out. Phanta Yes it will ease with time as I train my mind. Yes I have come a very very long way since I stopped the fasting two years ago and chugged Ensure for a week straight. Thank you for your words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathlene Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Quid everytime I read your heartwrenching emotional guttural cries I feel like my own emotions get turned upside down. I feel helpless that there is someone out there hurting so badly and there's not a thing I can do except offer support and a listening ear, and to tell you your not alone mate. Sometimes when I see your raw anguish I think you are expressing the exact same thoughts I have at times. I find it so difficult to relate to the world too. I spent 10yrs literally hiding from people and in a sense physically as well by being isolated in my own home, disconnected from the world. I too sometimes experience the same confusion you do. I feel like all my senses have come alive and sometimes it is too much to bear or understand. Sometimes I just want to run back into my shell because it almost seemed safer there. But then I tell myself absolutely NOT because there is too much to live for and experience out there, regardless if it causes me pain. Quid, keep plowing forward one day at a time....that's the only answer I can offer regardless of the cost. Going backwards is futile, always keep looking forward and know that you have a whole set of friends on here to support you whenever you need it. Keep roaring, venting and letting it out. *hugs*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathlene Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Quid, Great band Disturbed. My son is right into them, and I have slowly come to appreciate them too. Rock on! I hope you find a way to centre yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Thx for the support kathlene. You're awesome. It really does help quite a bit to have your insistent emotional support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MathGeek Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hey Quid, I sometimes get that way too. I have to admit that I chuckled at first when I saw the seizure-induced typing in the OP. Somebody at another chat board I used to frequent said to me and I laughed quite hard for a bit and I felt better afterward. Turn on some Monty Python or Saturday Night Live clips, it seems to me you could use a good laugh. If you are not in the mood to laugh, we could use your opinion over in this thread in the Lion's Den. because the apologist in this thread claims that he is very skeptical of people who claim to suffer from emotional baggage once he or she leaves Christianity. Several other posters are offended by it. I really hope you feel better soon, because I believe it does get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hang in there. I go through this often. Frustration at its worst. But then I remember that I am wasting my time even thinking about them. I try to repeat to myself that I will no longer let them steal my happiness that I have found in my deconversion. It is still hard. I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hang in there. I go through this often. Frustration at its worst. But then I remember that I am wasting my time even thinking about them. I try to repeat to myself that I will no longer let them steal my happiness that I have found in my deconversion. It is still hard. I know. Not even close. But thanks for the thoughts and feelings. Technically you could say the same kinds of things to a concentration camp survivor and you would be right. They eventually got over it too in some major sense, but this sh1t takes time no matter where the many incidents of trauma took place and no matter how bad one thought they might have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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