I Feel Like I Am Being Blamed For Something That Isn't My Fault

[Naughtyhamster]

About a month ago my mother went into the hospital for "pneumonia", and she had a severe asthma attack ( and her last severe attack was when she was 16) and wound up on life support in the ICU for almost two weeks. After about ten days she was weaned off the ventilator and was out of ICU after three days of breathing on her own. I was very angry as the doctors wouldn't even tell me if she would live or die, and I yelled at a nurse who wouldn't even tell me on the phone about if what my mother had was communicable or not as two days after she went into the hospital I came down with a bad flu bug ( which I'm still recovering from). The doctors are being assholes and won't tell us what kind of pneumonia, or other lung disease, she had as the mucus coming from her lungs was a weird color.I think she might have something rare, but the doctors don't seem to give a shit about giving her more tests out of the hospital to see what is really wrong with her lungs.

 

Well my grandmother puts the blame on me as she says my "Negativity" ( actually my heartbreak about breaking up with Vincent on Valentine's Day) made my mother sick, and the day before Mom came home from the hospital ( this week) she wrote me a short letter with the numbers of certain Bible verses in it, but I can't remember which ones as I ripped the note up in anger as I know a lot of my family's health and personal problems are from repressing natural feelings, not from expressing them as my grandmother thinks.

 

In her arthritic scrawling she wrote:

 

Now when Mom comes home- BE POSITIVE!-NO crying, arguing, sad faces-BE HAPPY! God is testing your character so pray to him and thank him for testing you! JESUS WANTS YOU TO HAVE JOY IN YOUR HEART! ( then after this message in capital and small letters were some scrawled numbers to Bible verses).

 

Yeah testing me until I have a FUCKING NERVOUS BREAK DOWN! Now I'm going to a shrink on the weekends as in this home I have to put a fake smile on my face and pretend to be happy as I'm told in subtle ways that its my fault I made my mother sick. I have to wait until I go to bed to cry myself to sleep as I'm going to be yelled at for my "Negative vibes" causing problems.

[Guest QuidEstCaritas?]

Dysfunctional family dynamics detected.

 

Ignore every goddamn thing your mom or grandma says, and realize they are fucked in the head. It will help your sanity tremendously. Also, when you talk to the shrink, never talk about how it's your fault unless you truly feel it is. Don't let your grandma be a bitch and twist all the blame on you.

 

Good luck.

[noob]

Well my grandmother puts the blame on me as she says my "Negativity" ( actually my heartbreak about breaking up with Vincent on Valentine's Day) made my mother sick, and the day before Mom came home from the hospital ( this week) she wrote me a short letter with the numbers of certain Bible verses in it, but I can't remember which ones as I ripped the note up in anger as I know a lot of my family's health and personal problems are from repressing natural feelings, not from expressing them as my grandmother thinks.

 

Wow! Naughtyhamster, I am sorry that you are going through this. It seems rather twisted to me. Hopefully your therapist can help you deal with anger and possibly help you come up with logical, non-emotional ways to respond.

 

I'm sure you realize that your negativity has nothing to do with your mother's illness. I'm a pretty positive person, but my dad had to have eye surgery this week!

 

Good luck!

[Naughtyhamster]

I'm sure you realize that your negativity has nothing to do with your mother's illness. I'm a pretty positive person, but my dad had to have eye surgery this week!

 

I actually think all this repression isn't good as all three of us ( Mom, Granny, and I) have bad health habits of some kind, and I've noticed in stressful situations when one of us are feeling intense feelings we either overeat, smoke ( as in my Granny's case), and/or stuff our anger down until one of us starts yelling at someone( I've mentioned this last year in another thread).

 

I can't talk my mother or grandmother into seeking a shrink as they think to seek psychiatric help means you are weak and don't have a strong will to overcome your problems. Also my grandmother is wary of psychiatrists as when she was younger a doctor put her on Lithium and it caused her a lot of physical problems, and after seeing what I went through as a teenager due to depression and anxiety disorder she thinks shrinks are only out there to take your money and fuck up your mind more.

[R. S. Martin]

This sounds like one terribly fucked up situation. I don't know how you manage to hang together. What I don't get at all is why you, as the adult daughter of your mother, are not allowed to know what she is ill with. Has she forbidden the release of information? Who has power of attorney in the case that she cannot sign forms herself?

 

Anyway, being real is one of the healthiest things you can do, though that does not necessarily mean yelling at sick people. Nor does it mean for your grandmother to yell at you for not wearing a plastic smile though I'm sure there's NOTHING you can do about her ideas and behaviour. I'm just saying.

[godlessgrrl]

I will never understand for the life of me why fucked up families pull bullshit like your grandmother is pulling, Naughtyhamster. It's like maybe they realize on some level that honest emotional expression would reflect what's really going on around them, and they just can't stand it - like they think that pretending everything is okay will somehow make it okay.

 

Well that's fucking crap. It won't make anything okay to act all cheery happy, it just makes everything that much worse, because it means that the people closest to you are basically betraying your need and right to feel whatever you goddamn well feel about the situation.

 

I have no advice, other than to know that it's bullshit, and go ahead and express whatever you need to express whether they like it or not. It just tans my fucking hide when people tell others to stuff normal, honest emotional responses to stuff - the only person it benefits is the person who demands you do it.

 

Assholes.

[Jane of the Jungle]

NaughtyH - Bugger all in da house an go see sum1 to help u deal with this, just make sure before u go there, that they're not also gona swing da bible at ya! Cause then they most possibly gona tell ya Grandma is kewl :-( and all of us can see sumthings outa place there!

Well I can say youre great taking all that shit, if it was me I would have send them to hell long time ago :-o

[Naughtyhamster]

This sounds like one terribly fucked up situation. I don't know how you manage to hang together. What I don't get at all is why you, as the adult daughter of your mother, are not allowed to know what she is ill with. Has she forbidden the release of information? Who has power of attorney in the case that she cannot sign forms herself?

 

 

Its not anything my mother did, but some fucking retarded statute of California medical laws. My mother is going to sign some medical information release forms as soon as her friend brings her some from the social services office. Also my grandmother has reported the doctors and the nurse to the health department as she thinks we could have had a virus of some kind, and as my mother has asthma and type two diabetes on top of a physical disability she caught it worse than we did. If any diseases are communicable in any way ( person to person, animal to person, or even something caught from the environment around the person) then the doctors and nurses must tell the public as the disease is a threat to other people's health.

 

 

Today my grandmother was going to scold my mother for crying as she is still quite under the weather, and is still too weak to take a bath, but I turned around and said "Mom has every right to be pissed off with all that she has gone through. If Mom wants to gripe let her!" Well, my grandmother didn't say a thing, but we asked Mom what she needs and figured out how to help her without having screaming fits about things. Also if I can't rant at them I can always rant here, or to my school friends if I have to. At least I feel better letting off some steam here.

[R. S. Martin]

Today my grandmother was going to scold my mother for crying as she is still quite under the weather, and is still too weak to take a bath, but I turned around and said "Mom has every right to be pissed off with all that she has gone through. If Mom wants to gripe let her!" Well, my grandmother didn't say a thing, but we asked Mom what she needs and figured out how to help her without having screaming fits about things. Also if I can't rant at them I can always rant here, or to my school friends if I have to. At least I feel better letting off some steam here.

 

I'm so proud of you, Hamster, for standing up to your grandmother in your mother's defense. Someone--you--is being an adult around the place. Excellent!

 

And yes, you can come here and rant.

[sharkindeepwater]

... this sounds familiar. If your grandmother is like one of mine was, it sounds a bit like she's decided you have "negativity" as the one thing she CAN fix/influence. She can't make your mother better, but she can try to harass you both into doing what she wants. That will be less distressing for her since there won't be crying and unhappiness and maybe that will help with health problems.

 

It's not a good coping strategy by any means, because it makes you have less energy to cope. But I do think it is one.

 

I think what you told her/did there is fine: remind her other people have a right to their emotions, and keep getting on with things.

 

Best wishes.

[Naughtyhamster]

I can't wait until school is back in session as I'm being driven crazy! At least today my grandmother took out some aggression on some Jehovah's Witnesses as they wanted to argue about tongue speaking, and after her little discussion with them she went and smoked a cigarette to cool down.

 

When I see the shrink this week I'll be asking her if she can teach me some anger management tips as I never was taught how to express my anger in an appropriate manner as I wasn't allowed to be angry at all as a child ( and still having that problem). Anyone think anger management tips a good idea?