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"breaking The Habit" Or Giving Up On Life...for Real...


sergei29
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Hey guys,

 

not sure what is the point of me writing this but I guess sometimes you're just too tired to carry what's inside and want the world to know. I am not even expecting an answer, a good suggestion, or someone to show me a way out...i guess all i really want is someone to hear me.

 

I know what i am about to say doesn't sound manly and macho, which i am not totally okay with, but what the heck...

 

What's going on in my life can be summed up by the lyrics of a song by linkin park called "Breaking the Habit" and other songs by LP, Simple Plan, and whomever else sings about pain, confusion, hopelessness.

 

Breaking the Habit...

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

 

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

 

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight

 

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

 

 

I've been "blessed" my whole life...healthy, great family, able body, able mind, friends, popularity, etc., but that was 5 years ago and what I feel like right now can be best described by actually using the Bible and looking into the life of Job. My body has become injury prone and I haven't been able to enjoy sports for 4-6 years now which was a mental blow to me. The field is where I feel 100%, where the world makes sense, where I respect myself and get respect from others, where i feel good and nothing else matters...it's like my sanctuary, my nirvana, or whatever else you want to call it. This has been taken away and I am forced to stay on the sidelines wishing it was different.

 

That would be not too bad if my mind was healthy too, but its another part of me that has been playing tricks. I have been experiencing some anxiety, OCD type symptoms before becoming a CHristian, but they would never completely interfere with my life. I was still able to enjoy life, do well in school, have a girlfriend, etc, etc. Once I became religious my OCD took on a form of Religious Scrupulosity which after doing some research people of all kinds of faith struggle with, and even Martin Luther himself did. His constant torment was actually responsible for him developing his theology that relied more on Grace than works and rituals. That was his only way out of mental torment. For me, the OCD made me unable to study and focus in school, which led me to see my marks drop from being in the 90%s in high school, to 77-80 first year at University, 50-70-third year, and eventually dropping out of full time studies in year 4.

The torment also led me to becoming open minded about atheistic ideas, and researching experiences of people that decided to leave Christianity. Overall, that led to a de-conversion.

 

After my final decision to leave Christianity i've becoming a happier, freer, relaxed, and focused, and it has been like that for few weeks, however i am finding myself in literal mental and physical 'hell' which makes me think of ending it all and actually committing a suicide. The reason for that is that as a person I don't see how I can do anything now with a body that is hurting all over the place, and a mind that does not allow me to even pass a friggin' course at university, but on top of that, makes every waking moment a tiresome fight for sanity, for peace, for focus. Basic mental taska are becoming harder and harder to do, and even working a minimum wage job is an exhausting mental task (definitely not putting down anyone who works minimum wage, absolutely not!!!).

But it is so hard for me to think about basic things that any human being should be able to have no problems with.

 

Its just hurts to see myself change so much, from being a capable, love loving person with hopes, dreams, and plans for the future, to a one who has no hopes of a good future because I can't have a well paying job that requires some mental tasking, or a physical job that can pay well become my body is hurting all over. I can't see myself having a girlfriend as I got little to offer (will i finish my education, will i be able to get a job, how am i going to provide for a family, etc). It's like i have been replaced and can't even recognize myself anymore.

 

Sorry for burdening you with this, but I just couldn't fall asleep and relax my brain. I have my first day at work tomorrow and I am worried that my brain will 'lock' itself and refuse to cooperate.

I have an exam at the end of the months but i am avoiding my studies as after 5 min i am fed up with the inability to focus, get overwhelmed and frustrated.

 

I tried so much...psychologist, psychiatrist, meds, mental exercises, mood/anxiety textbooks, proper diet, exercise...i have no idea how to get out of it...i am hopeless...

 

Shit...i wish i can just wake up and be my old self again...a guy who can actually contribute to this world without having to fight with his brain every minute.

 

Again, sorry for venting, but i don't know whom else would listen without judging.

 

Thanks...

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So sorry to hear about the negative turn in your life. OCD is a real bitch and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I have experienced a lot of "brain lock" and unwanted thoughts and behaviors as well. About three years ago I was basically nonfunctional and had an employment crisis as well. As time went on, though, things have gotten a lot better. I do not have any kind of emotional disorders which affect me anymore. After a long period of marginal employment, I have gotten my career back on track. I believe that time can heal the wound of OCD, and likely several years from now things will be a lot different for you. As I have matured, the idiotic mind puzzles have receded.

 

I benefitted most of all from some self-help books: You Can Feel Good Again by Richard Carlson. The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns.

 

I am really sad to hear that your body is not allowing you to get exercise or perform sports. I know that for me, exercise helps me stay happy and break my routine. Perhaps you could try picking up a low-impact sport like swimming?

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I'm not judging.

 

The one thing about diet/exercise/meds/counseling: they're how you fight. You still have your sanity, which means you still have something to offer. The trick is picking yourself up and getting there again. This all happened in a short span of time, so you could find yourself in a very different place in five more years.

 

I'm seconding looking for a psychologist who can help you come up with practical steps. Dealing with your body doing something radically new and hard on you is bad enough without the OCD kicking in too.

 

I had to suddenly give up a lot of physical things too. It isn't easy. You do adjust, though. It does take time, and there is some grieving.

 

I know what it's like to put off studies, too. Can you tackle *one* chapter today? Just *one.* Tomorrow you can worry about more, but today? One.

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I don't think anyone here is going to judge you, Sergei, and certainly not on your "macho" quotient. These are serious issues you're dealing with.

 

There is a member here who works with people with OCD and has reached out to offer help to anyone on this board who wishes to contact him, so I suggest you PM Ameen.

 

I wish you all the best!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sergei,

 

I have no advice I can offer you. You are in so much physical and emotional pain and I hope just writing on this forum has helped clear your head a bit. Sometimes we dont want suggestions or offers of advice. We just want to feel like we are not alone and struggling to cope in this complex world. So my only thing I can offer to you...is I hear you and I hope you know there are people on here that will listen to you and offer you support. You are not alone. Big HUGS to you!! Take care buddy. :kiss:

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After my final decision to leave Christianity i've becoming a happier, freer, relaxed, and focused, and it has been like that for few weeks, however i am finding myself in literal mental and physical 'hell' which makes me think of ending it all and actually committing a suicide. The reason for that is that as a person I don't see how I can do anything now with a body that is hurting all over the place, and a mind that does not allow me to even pass a friggin' course at university, but on top of that, makes every waking moment a tiresome fight for sanity, for peace, for focus. Basic mental taska are becoming harder and harder to do, and even working a minimum wage job is an exhausting mental task (definitely not putting down anyone who works minimum wage, absolutely not!!!).

But it is so hard for me to think about basic things that any human being should be able to have no problems with.

 

Its just hurts to see myself change so much, from being a capable, love loving person with hopes, dreams, and plans for the future, to a one who has no hopes of a good future because I can't have a well paying job that requires some mental tasking, or a physical job that can pay well become my body is hurting all over. I can't see myself having a girlfriend as I got little to offer (will i finish my education, will i be able to get a job, how am i going to provide for a family, etc). It's like i have been replaced and can't even recognize myself anymore.

 

Sorry for burdening you with this, but I just couldn't fall asleep and relax my brain. I have my first day at work tomorrow and I am worried that my brain will 'lock' itself and refuse to cooperate.

I have an exam at the end of the months but i am avoiding my studies as after 5 min i am fed up with the inability to focus, get overwhelmed and frustrated.

 

I tried so much...psychologist, psychiatrist, meds, mental exercises, mood/anxiety textbooks, proper diet, exercise...i have no idea how to get out of it...i am hopeless...

 

Shit...i wish i can just wake up and be my old self again...a guy who can actually contribute to this world without having to fight with his brain every minute.

 

Again, sorry for venting, but i don't know whom else would listen without judging.

 

Thanks...

 

Wow. I identify quite a bit with this. Please vent as much as you feel comfortable with and don't hold anything back. Don't feel ashamed of it. Holding these feelings in doesn't allow you to deal with them, as I have come to realize. I completely understand the duality, though, and the mental fight to try to keep your mind intact. It's also very frustrating to have the feeling of completeness and sanity and then it suddenly slips out of your fingers. It's f-ing maddening, to be honest. When I read what you wrote here, it sounds to me like your brain is stuck, almost, if that makes sense, and I feel like that, too. Like I'm just stuck in this and can't move forward. I would be willing to talk to you about it, though, if you're interested.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hey guys,

 

not sure what is the point of me writing this but I guess sometimes you're just too tired to carry what's inside and want the world to know. I am not even expecting an answer, a good suggestion, or someone to show me a way out...i guess all i really want is someone to hear me.

 

I know what i am about to say doesn't sound manly and macho, which i am not totally okay with, but what the heck...

 

What's going on in my life can be summed up by the lyrics of a song by linkin park called "Breaking the Habit" and other songs by LP, Simple Plan, and whomever else sings about pain, confusion, hopelessness.

 

Breaking the Habit...

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

 

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

 

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight

 

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

 

 

I've been "blessed" my whole life...healthy, great family, able body, able mind, friends, popularity, etc., but that was 5 years ago and what I feel like right now can be best described by actually using the Bible and looking into the life of Job. My body has become injury prone and I haven't been able to enjoy sports for 4-6 years now which was a mental blow to me. The field is where I feel 100%, where the world makes sense, where I respect myself and get respect from others, where i feel good and nothing else matters...it's like my sanctuary, my nirvana, or whatever else you want to call it. This has been taken away and I am forced to stay on the sidelines wishing it was different.

 

That would be not too bad if my mind was healthy too, but its another part of me that has been playing tricks. I have been experiencing some anxiety, OCD type symptoms before becoming a CHristian, but they would never completely interfere with my life. I was still able to enjoy life, do well in school, have a girlfriend, etc, etc. Once I became religious my OCD took on a form of Religious Scrupulosity which after doing some research people of all kinds of faith struggle with, and even Martin Luther himself did. His constant torment was actually responsible for him developing his theology that relied more on Grace than works and rituals. That was his only way out of mental torment. For me, the OCD made me unable to study and focus in school, which led me to see my marks drop from being in the 90%s in high school, to 77-80 first year at University, 50-70-third year, and eventually dropping out of full time studies in year 4.

The torment also led me to becoming open minded about atheistic ideas, and researching experiences of people that decided to leave Christianity. Overall, that led to a de-conversion.

 

After my final decision to leave Christianity i've becoming a happier, freer, relaxed, and focused, and it has been like that for few weeks, however i am finding myself in literal mental and physical 'hell' which makes me think of ending it all and actually committing a suicide. The reason for that is that as a person I don't see how I can do anything now with a body that is hurting all over the place, and a mind that does not allow me to even pass a friggin' course at university, but on top of that, makes every waking moment a tiresome fight for sanity, for peace, for focus. Basic mental taska are becoming harder and harder to do, and even working a minimum wage job is an exhausting mental task (definitely not putting down anyone who works minimum wage, absolutely not!!!).

But it is so hard for me to think about basic things that any human being should be able to have no problems with.

 

Its just hurts to see myself change so much, from being a capable, love loving person with hopes, dreams, and plans for the future, to a one who has no hopes of a good future because I can't have a well paying job that requires some mental tasking, or a physical job that can pay well become my body is hurting all over. I can't see myself having a girlfriend as I got little to offer (will i finish my education, will i be able to get a job, how am i going to provide for a family, etc). It's like i have been replaced and can't even recognize myself anymore.

 

Sorry for burdening you with this, but I just couldn't fall asleep and relax my brain. I have my first day at work tomorrow and I am worried that my brain will 'lock' itself and refuse to cooperate.

I have an exam at the end of the months but i am avoiding my studies as after 5 min i am fed up with the inability to focus, get overwhelmed and frustrated.

 

I tried so much...psychologist, psychiatrist, meds, mental exercises, mood/anxiety textbooks, proper diet, exercise...i have no idea how to get out of it...i am hopeless...

 

Shit...i wish i can just wake up and be my old self again...a guy who can actually contribute to this world without having to fight with his brain every minute.

 

Again, sorry for venting, but i don't know whom else would listen without judging.

 

Thanks...

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+

 

I cried when I read this post. I wish I had answers/solutions for you. But I don't. But I listened..without judging. I'm glad that you put down your pride and let yourself be vulnerable. When you let yourself be vulnerable it makes people feel like it's safe enough to be vulnerable too. My respect for you didn't diminish when I read this. It increased....greatly.=)

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I'm glad that you put down your pride and let yourself be vulnerable. When you let yourself be vulnerable it makes people feel like it's safe enough to be vulnerable too.

 

Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable has absolutely nothing to do with "pride" and everything to do with preventing yourself from further damage. It's a smart thing to do, especially when the person only receives more pain and misunderstanding when he's vulnerable.

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Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable has absolutely nothing to do with "pride" and everything to do with preventing yourself from further damage. It's a smart thing to do, especially when the person only receives more pain and misunderstanding when he's vulnerable.

Good point Skeptic. Let me rephrase that. I'm glad you trusted me enough to be honest.

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Hang in there Sergei. There has been lots of good advice posted. Try some of those things, and most importantly, keep coming back here. Read, chime in, and know that this is a place where people don't judge. As ex-xians, we know how to judge and how it feels to be judged. I think most will agree that this is probably the last place you have to worry about condemnation.

 

Whatever choices you make, you are the only one that can make them. Good luck.

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I feel for you, man. I too have cyclical issues with depression and wellness.

 

One thing that I believe has literally saved my life on a couple of occasions is listening to really loud music when the emotional pain just becomes too much to bear. Especially hard rock and metal, like Linkin Park, Evanescence, Metallica, System of a Down, etc. Crank it up so you can no longer even hear your own thoughts. It numbs the pain so it becomes bearable.

 

I know you said your body hurts, but if you can exercise without really hurting yourself, do it. If you have the energy to go running, do that while listening to the music. Run hard, until you just can't run anymore. Or if you can't run, try riding a bike the same way. I have a bicycle and that's what I do when my mood goes to shit.

 

Good luck dude. You can always come here and vent your frustrations and know that you won't be judged. You're not alone.

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  • 7 months later...

I highly recommend a book "Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. If you can find a psychaitrist like that, I think alot of your struggles will start unraveling.

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Don't give up. I know shit sucks, and while I don't have any experience with OCD, I know depression and pain. I have chronic pain in my back and neck, and migraines. Believe me, it's hard enough to hold down a job with these kinds of conditions. I still struggle with depression.

The music that helps me is slightly different though - Tool, A Perfect Circle, Smashing Pumpkins, Amanda Palmer, and Rage Against the Machine. RATM is awesome when you just want to scream at the world. :)

I really hope you get through this, just day by day. Listen to people here who have gone through OCD as well, they understand that part better than me, any day.

Be well.

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