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I'm On My Last Leg


Eris
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I appologize if there are any spelling errors as I fdo not feel good right now and my brain is everywhere....

 

I actually found this sight through a random google search about a week ago but for the most part, I'm glad that I've found this place. For the past few years, my life has been an utter furstration thanks in part to money woes, health and other bad luck that seems to be coming towards my family and I. All through this, I've been told time and time again that God will get us through the mess we're in but time and time again, I have thought 'When? What's the point of keeping us waiting in anger?'

 

Let me get one thing out of the way first; I am a 22 year old African-American female from Indy, a place where Christianity is deep and coming from a Black family (with roots from the South. I have NO idea WHY we came here seeing as, locationwise, I'd rather be in Tenn than Indy, even with all the religion) Christian faith runs THICK. Of course, none of this runs as thick than my aunt. Now, I love my aunt but as I have grown older, I have noticed some weird 'ticks' concerning her and religion. She is a MAJOR black Christian. Her house is FILLED to the brim with articals from her church and other things. As a kid, I used to think this was pretty cool but as I got older, it soon became more and more creepy, especially when I started going to her church. The thing that I find most distrubing about her church is most how I feel the manipulate people but then again, maybe its me. I've been to smaller churches that don't have as bad a vibe as hers but I think this all comes down to the fact that this above mentioned church is the ONLY chuch that I have EVER attended that has actually ASKED for the members to come up to the front and sign an anti-gay marriage protest.

 

Yes, and I was 14 when this happened....I was deeply distrubed.

 

I could go on and on with all the Christian bullshit that has been fed to me over the years but of all the things that I have been told, the most HURTFUL to me was when my aunt told me that GOD DIDN'T WANT ME TO GO TO A COLLEGE THAT I HAD BEEN ACCEPTED TO.

 

The story goes as followed;

 

Last year, a good friend of mine from California told me about the Arts Academy in San Fran. Being an artist I was hyped about the school and the location because being from Indy, relgion seems to be held up higher than arts. (personal opinion) Anyway, my buddy encouraged me to send my work into the school and he even GAVE me $120 dollars of his own money (as I did not have a job at the time and was depleted in funds) for the application fee. We worked for weeks getting my portfolio together and then...I got accepted. yes, I got accepted to the school thanks to the combined effort of my friend and I. Unfortunitly, my mother wasn't too happy about the entire thing and the result of the argument ended in me winding up staying with my aunt for a week. I was hoping for some helping; hoping for someone that would understand what had happened and the dream that I wanted to live.

 

Did I get that?

 

Fuck no. Instead I got a mother who claims that I SMITTED her for applying for the school and an aunt who instead of helping me, told me that 'Maybe God doesn't want you to leave, so that's why this happened'

 

Believe, I have never had less faith in God than at that moment because WHAT help would that offer?

 

Mind you, I was 21 when this all happened. Yeah, its sad but its true.

 

At this point in my life, I am MISERABLE and I am surrounded by GOD GOD GOD with no ways of escape. Parts of me feel that God is punishing me or whatever the fuck people say but the other side of me thinks that if this God and his son are so good, why the fuck would he do this? Why the fuck would he STOP me from making my life better, why would he ALLOW my friend to waste $120 dollars of his money on me and why would anyone think that putting constant roadblocks in someone's life is a sign of LOVE?

 

Me? I DON'T get it nor do I want to because I want to get the hell out of here and actually LIVE a life and not have to wait for approval from up above to do so.

 

Whatever. My head hurts now.

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Welcome to the forums, Eris.

 

I'm sorry you've had such crap to deal with, but glad you found this site.

 

Christians who love us can often stand in our way and claim it's not them, it's god. They also often pass off hurt as help, pain as glory and loss as gain. It's no wonder your head hurts.

 

I don't know what strengths you have (monetarily or otherwise) to just pack up and go to S. F. to pursue your dream, but it sounds like, with the exception of your friend who helped with your portfolio, you're surrounded by dream-crushers. This is so sad and so very unnecessary. Weigh your options and risks and know that you're young enough to make it through disappointments and old enough to determine your own course in life.

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Hey there Eris, welcome to the forums.

 

If you have a passion for art then I think you should pursue it as far as you can. To know what you enjoy doing is a valuable thing, and I think you should cultivate what talents you have.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Again welcome.

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Guest Summersong

I know it's really easy to distribute advice over the internet like M&Ms without being fully aware of your situation, but since you asked...

 

Run.

Chase your dreams.

Build yourself a new family.

Make the most of the time you've got.

 

Easier said than done, right? You're an adult now. You don't need your family's permission OR approval. Find a way to do what will make your heart sing.

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  • Super Moderator

Welcome, Eris!

 

I guess the bottom line for your situation is "shit happens" rather than "God provides."

 

Anyway, I'm happy to see a rare bird - a black and FEMALE atheist! Some people thought you didn't exist!

 

Follow your dream as far as you can. Success is doing what you like to do. Keep us posted with your success stories.

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Guest QuidEstCaritas?

Welcome Eris.

 

If you can see your mom and your aunt as using their invisible friends to manipulate you, then you have won half the battle.

 

Kids come up with invisible friends too (non-religious and non-spiritual ones), all on their own without any prompting. Some adults have invisible friends as well, and they really need to grow up.

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At this point in my life, I am MISERABLE and I am surrounded by GOD GOD GOD with no ways of escape. Parts of me feel that God is punishing me or whatever the fuck people say but the other side of me thinks that if this God and his son are so good, why the fuck would he do this? Why the fuck would he STOP me from making my life better, why would he ALLOW my friend to waste $120 dollars of his money on me and why would anyone think that putting constant roadblocks in someone's life is a sign of LOVE?

 

Me? I DON'T get it nor do I want to because I want to get the hell out of here and actually LIVE a life and not have to wait for approval from up above to do so.

 

Whatever. My head hurts now.

 

I still feel the same way sometimes, though I'm an atheist, because I live with a Christian mother and grandmother. All you can do is just find a way to take ahold of your own destiny and find ways to pursue what you want to do. Sometimes you just have to find alternative plans in case things don't go your way, and keep your options open if a better opportunity arises.

 

Good luck on going to art college! :)

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Me? I DON'T get it nor do I want to because I want to get the hell out of here and actually LIVE a life and not have to wait for approval from up above to do so.

 

Get oouut get out get ouuuut!

 

Seriously, run. To college/art school/wherever you have to go.

 

There is nothing good there for you.

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There have been several times in my life where other people have stood in my way of accomplishing something that was important to me.

I look back now and wonder where was my backbone!

If only I had done what I wanted, nomatter what 'they' said, my life would have been MUCH different.

Don't be a cork on the sea, get your guts up and do your own life. Mom and auntie and everyone will go on without your permission or acceptance. You must do that for your own life. Family can be wonderful, but to me Family is the other F word, sometimes.

Good luck!

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It seems your family wants to control you, and is using religion to do so. Why does your Aunt think she knows the will of God? Now, your Aunt may not be aware of the true nastiness of her behavior, but the only person who will look out for your dreams is you. If you brush them under the rug to 'keep the peace' then you will become bitter and resentful, and there will be a sick disease in your home because you will always know that you sacrificed your future. An even worse scenario would be if you had children and discouraged them from their dreams, because you suffered, so they should too.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. In truth, I haven't told anyone in my family about my utter dislike for Christianty at this point but most of my buddies know because of my current situation.

I usually get the shit end of the stick for not agree fully with my families thoughts on religion only because the saying 'God didn't want us to (fill in the blank)' and 'God had other plans' are the BANE of my existance.

 

I won't even get started on the shit I got for not agreeing with that saying. :|

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Anyway, I'm happy to see a rare bird - a black and FEMALE atheist! Some people thought you didn't exist!

 

I'm really not sure whether or not to consider myself a full ahteist YET (don't shoot....) but yes, and we're not as rare as you think. I've chated with a few black women online who weren't Christian either. I guess in truth, the black community wants to ASSUME that there isn't anyone amoung them who hasn't been touched by Jesus...or whatever. All I know is that all this worrying over whether or not God is pulling my strings and constantly fucking with me has made me sick. Really, I mean I'm basically wearing down from all this worry mentally and physically...but oh, someone will tell me its GOD'S DOING.

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Guest QuidEstCaritas?
Anyway, I'm happy to see a rare bird - a black and FEMALE atheist! Some people thought you didn't exist!

 

I'm really not sure whether or not to consider myself a full ahteist YET (don't shoot....) but yes, and we're not as rare as you think. I've chated with a few black women online who weren't Christian either. I guess in truth, the black community wants to ASSUME that there isn't anyone amoung them who hasn't been touched by Jesus...or whatever. All I know is that all this worrying over whether or not God is pulling my strings and constantly fucking with me has made me sick. Really, I mean I'm basically wearing down from all this worry mentally and physically...but oh, someone will tell me its GOD'S DOING.

 

 

Get away from the manipulation.

 

Lie. Preserve who you are. Then get into college and control your situation.

 

Self preservation is essential.

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Welcome to the forums. I hope that you can find some answers and sources of strength here. It's never easy breaking away. In some ways it is one of the hardest things you may do in your life because family and friends will often turn on you because you no longer follow thier imaginary friend. -hugs-

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Hi Eris,

 

It sounds like you need to develop a plan. This entails working rationally back from your desired goal to where you are now and trying to foresee what you need to do to make it happen. It's a great life lesson to develop and implement a plan for your life. Your life may not go according to your plan, but your plan will foresee most of what you'll need.

 

So, for example, your desired goal is to go to art school in San Francisco. What will you need to make this happen? Here are some thoughts to get you started.

 

First thing you'll need is some money, if you're working now start saving. If you're not working get a job, any job. Open a savings account at a bank as this will put your fund out of reach of yourself and others. Contact the school and see if they have scholarships and financial aid available (having a son in college I'm well aware of FAFSA, something you'll need to acquaint yourself with) or see if you can defer your admission for a semester or a year. Do you know anyone who lives in the San Francisco area or does the school have dorms? If you do know someone there, see if they'll take you in for a few weeks while you get settled in the area. If you don't then you know you'll need that much more money before you can implement your plan. Find out what rent is near the school and work from there. If the school has dorms figure that will be the place to live for most of the year, you'll need to find a place during the summer and school breaks.

 

I hope that's helpful. Just beginning to formulate a plan is very empowering. Don't let that feeling derail you, continue to develop your plan and begin to implement it. Best of luck to you.

 

Steve

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Hi Eris, as a fellow artist I hope you can get to the school you want to go to and have the means to do it. May I ask why your family is so against it? Are they afraid of you going to San Francisco? I can only imagine what they think of San Francisco so it sure doesn't surprise me if that is their reason. Do they think art is a waste of time? I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I never went to art school, art was just a hobby when I was younger but without sounding too boastful I was a very good artist. I have been going through a major dry spell, it's been nearly a decade since I really produced anything new.

I joined the military to get away but that was in 1994, not much was going on then but being in the Navy was great, I had fun, I made lots of friends, I met my husband. My life changed for the better. Maybe it can be something to look into, the new G.I. Bill is so much better now, pays more, it evens pays for housing while you go to school. I am not trying to sell this just saying there are choices out there for you that you may not have considered. But like I said, I hope you can go to the school of your choice.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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If I were you I'd choose Oakland over San Francisco, unless you manage to get into the art school in SF. San Francisco has been getting gentrified, and all those bohemians you've always heard about have been relocating to Oakland as a result. Goddamn yuppies... but anyways, I digress. Oakland is happening right now, despite still having a crime rate comparable to Detroit's. But Oakland is getting most of San Francisco's bohemian refugees, so its cultural cachet is definitely on the rise.

 

I know people who know people there, so if you need connections, drop me a line and I'll see what I can do. No guarantees, though.

 

And I concur. Run fast and far from Indy. Back when I was a youth leader in California, we sent our most committed kids to a conference thingy there, and they thought it sucked complete rat testicles. The squarest bunch of kids in the squarest part of L.A. County... so what does that tell you?

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