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I Want My Brain Back


Skeptic
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I've been involuntarily sucked back into the irrational thinking that I was suffering from before I deconverted. I think it started on a small degree after reading the horror movies thread here that was around about a week ago. I sort of got over that, though. Now, I've been paying more attention to the TV show House and I'm not liking the "is it a coincidence or is it a supernatural event" theme they've got going on lately. It didn't really affect me until this week's episode. That one was kind of freaky. My mom told me about demons when I was 2 and kept acting like they were real all while I was living with her, so this has, understandably, caused me to develop a warped sense of reality. Because of this, I was constantly afraid of attracting demons, I kept convincing myself that I could feel demonic presences (my mom told me this, too, at an early age), and I was scared of the dark for about 18 years. Around the time I deconverted, I got over it. I actually went to sleep without the hall light on and the door closed and I was perfectly fine. I wasn't constantly anxious. I want to get back to that point. I hate being stuck in this stupid irrational fear that something that I know rationally doesn't exist is coming to get me. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of. Any advice on how to deal with this?

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First of all, it seems like you've got your brain intact. You demonstrate this in your post; you do a rational analysis of your situation in it. But I can see why you're feeling confused. Sometimes it helps to check out what really is under the bed, just to make sure there's no demons there. It's stupid and irrational but that's the way feelings are. Dealing with them on their own grounds is the wisest approach I know.

 

Pull the bed out from the wall, vacuum the floor, dust out all the dust bunnies. Do it in broad daylight or with all the lights on. Become familiar with every crack and cranny. You can also take the bed apart and vacuum the mattress and dust all the parts of the bed with an old cloth if you like. I predict you will have to do this only once because then you will have kinesthetically registered all the "scary" parts of your room and your deepest being will "know" that there are no demons in it.

 

Or whatever your problem area is. Maybe it's the closet beneath the staircase.

 

I learned this method from a poem in a reader in elementary school. I don't know who wrote it. The title was Giant Fear. There was a picture of a boy about age 10, and behind him was a fading column of smoke that had been his Giant Fear.

 

The Giant Fear followed him everywhere. Finally, he turned around, looked Giant Fear in the eye, and said, "WHO ARE YOU?"

 

The Giant grew thinner, and smaller, and finally disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

 

That poem helped me deal with fears as a child and I continue to apply the method today. I find that if I investigate the thing that I fear such as going into the dark room and touching this and that just so I feel familiar with what's in it and all the sounds it makes (houses make funny sounds, the sounds of my footsteps on the floor, the sounds the door makes), and understand it--all of this helps. For larger problems of life, if I check out all the things that could possibly happen pro and con, and realize that yeah, I could deal with a worst-case scenario, that helps reduce the anxiety.

 

However, sometimes "left-over feelings" won't go away. I've learned that I have to be accepting of this and be gentle to myself regarding this. Just hug my "little girl within" and let her feel her fear. Usually, that soon relieves the fear.

 

Then there are such things as clinical anxiety issues that require professional help. You would need to see a doctor in person for that; nobody can help you over the internet for real health issues--mental or physical. Since you felt you had a handle on things, you will probably get on top again fairly soon. All the best. :3:

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Horror movies play to the fear in us, that is why they work (if they are done well). I stopped watching most horror, and I found that my fear of darkness faded to just being afraid of hitting my shin on something in the dark. But a creepy film can bring back the boogie man for a while until I forget about the chills I had watching a movie. It can take a few days for me.

 

Anyway, it is a normal reaction to having your mind programmed to fear. Hollywood can make us afraid, because special effects can show us creatures and situations that don't exist in the real world. But often the situations the characters are in are somewhat normal so the audience has something to relate to. So, no creatures are going to get you, but your mind just saw it happen in a film, so it seems real for a while. Normal reaction, and you'll get over it.

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I've been watching funny things and that's making me feel better. I think I just have a build-up of cortisol and I'm trying to get rid of it. I feel less like I'm constantly in fight-or-flight mode. I'm still pretty jumpy, though. I think I just need to keep trying to provide rational reasons for things like unexplained noises, do activities that produce endorphins, and cut back on the caffeine.

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If it's dark and I see shadows or hear noises I think about what they are. A loud bang would be the stupid speed bump in the road and passing shadows would be just how it looks when a car passes by a window. I live beside a highway and in the projects so it gets noisy.

Maybe that will work. If you think you see a demon just go back to sleep,and think about playing in the ocean or something relaxing.

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