oddbird1963 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I took a nap this afternoon, but I also went out and exercised in the park. I got to bed after 11:00 pm. Got to sleep, then an hour later my eyes pop wide open and I can't get back to sleep. I lay there and lay there and lay there trying to get back to sleep. No avail. The song "Wasted Time" by the Eagles was repeating through my head. I keep thinking about all the years I wasted in Christianity under the delusion that God is there and he's going make it all better, or at least "lead, gude, direct" me into peace and/or prosperity. 30 years inside the fiction and I've got neither. I'm still the same go nowhere fuck I started out as. I can't turn my mind off. Can't take anything 'cuz I've got to go to work later this morning. I feel like I'm wandering out in the "desert of the real" with no Morpheus to talk to. It's all on me. Something's got to change but I don't know where to take it. Got to break out of this broken record routine of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 Phanta, Thank you for your reply. Yes, sometimes nights can be very rough. And I'm paying for it this morning at work too! I felt bad about posting such negative, self-absorbed content. But sometimes, in the absence of a face to face confidant, I have a need to express myself. I find I can only have peace some of the time, but I can learn to grow my peace through certain practices. I consciously express gratitude when I have peace. Deep appreciation for the quiet times seems to help me get through the upheaval. I like your outlook on peace. I guess like a lot of things, peace is a process, not a destination. I do need to make a more conscious effort to focus on the positive. What does prosperity look like for you? Prosperity has to have a physical component to some degree. You know $$$ and/or the respect of some combination of friends, coworkers, spouse, children, etc. I think to have good health is an important ingrediant to prosperity. But the physical aspects are only partial, probably not even the most important components. Prosperity, I think, comes with a sense that one is experiencing the good life. You can have the material, but not the psychological components and be miserable. Maybe prosperity is the subjective sense that life is good despite the outside circumstances. And freedom. I think there has to be some sense that there are options out there and one has chosen the best options for oneself. I guess my struggle, at age 45, is to find some way to expand my mind to see a way to grab that sense of the good life, despite the limitations my past choices have brought me to. >.< I feel like the little dot between the less than/greater than signs. I have been brought to a point of isolation and desperation. The challenge is how do I regain the sense that my life can open up again to a future that can lead to some combination of peace and prosperity. Phanta, thanks for posting here. I really appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathlene Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Oddbird, I wasnt in christianity for the same time as you were..only 13yrs for me. But my goodness you could be saying the exact same things as I do and the thoughts that go through my head. Broken record routine of my life...yup, that just about sums it all up for me as well. I hope you find the courage to break out and find your dreams and go for them. I think for too long we as christians gave up on our dreams..assuming god would make them happen or thinking they werent in line with god's desires so we stuffed them down in the darkest parts of our brains. Well I think we should be now giving ourselves permission to fly and do whatever the hell WE want to do..not some mythical feeling in our head telling us how to think, act and behave every freakin moment of our lives!! So oddbird go for it!! I hope you find a way to get out of the box. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 . . . assuming god would make them happen or thinking they werent in line with god's desires so we stuffed them down in the darkest parts of our brains. Kathlene, You do know how I think/thought. I appreciate your words of empathy and encouragement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Oddbird, I dunno what to say. Only thirty years. I spent forty plus. Then again, what's the difference between thirty and forty--both equal MANY or LIFETIME. When we're looking at that amount of time--such a huge chunk of the human life span, I think we can't afford to write it off as so much waste. We've got to salvage something of it. Speaking only for myself here but I certainly learned a lot from my experience. I learned a great deal of things that don't work and that's got to count for something. Hope you'll sleep better tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodsmoke Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Been my experience the inability to make one's brain shut up tends to be indicative of those who don't find much value in organized religion. You're in good company. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Are you drinking coffee/tea/coke in the late afternoon or evening? If so, that might be contributing. I can't drink anything with caffeine after about 3 p.m. or I have the same problem you described. My mind will just race. If I drink an espresso with my dinner I'm up 'till 7 a.m. Also nicotine a few hours before bed does it to me, though not as bad as caf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I know what you mean about the wasted time. I just try not to let the regret of yesterday get in the way of today. It would be easy to obssess about it, but in reality, you can't do anything about it. I just try to focus on today. That's all we have Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Share Posted April 7, 2009 Phanta. Loved your post, once again. Have you heard of the psychologist Victor Frankl? He was a psychologist and holocaust survivor who wrote, "Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Yes! I have read his book "Man's search for meaning." He has a lot of credibility with me because of his experiences in the concentration camps. I shall have to review it though. I have read many books since then. What new choices open your mind and your life up? Any ideas? First, is the choice to talk face to face with new people and try to get them to share "real" things with me. I like getting past the superficiality that pervades most interactions and getting to the real things. Second, I guess I suffer from a poverty of thought in terms of what those other choices might be. I guess that's what I need from this forum. Ideas for opening my life up (other than mind-expanding drugs). By the way. I slept like a baby last night. Combination of less caffeine and more exercise. Thanks again, Phanta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 What kind of face-to-face opportunities do you have in your life? Work? Hobbies? I need to develop more opportunities, I'm just not sure how to go about it. Where is there a group of individuals doing something interesting with room enough for someone else in their life? The people at work are nice. I'm new here, so I guess it will take time to develop relationships. My hobby lately has been reading, although I used to like to tinker with PC's in my spare time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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