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Romantic Religious Segregation


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Moments ago, i was informed by my fiancee, via email, that she is ending the relationship because she cannot come to terms with my lack of faith in her Lord and Savior jesus Christ. I am really glad that i joined this group, because i do not have a lot of family and friends to confide in about this. She had asked me to join her Methodist Church(i am technically a Catholic), for the purpose of having our wedding there. I accepted, and she said, "good, now we can call you a Methodist instead of an agnostic"! I corrected her and told her that even though i am joining her church, i do indeed remain agnostic. This seemed to really bother her, and she expressed dismay that i was not moved last Sunday by her pastors sermon about believing in God. Like i said, in the blink of an eye, my love, my plans, and my percieved future is now gone because i cannot MAKE myself believe the same thing that she does. It hurts. Oddly though, a lot of pressure has been lifted from me. I no longer need to attend church, which is something i was doing out of love and support for her. I no longer have to listen to her babble about how she needs to pray before she can make decisions regarding our lives, or how good God is. Maybe it is time to start including non-theism in my requirements for a future partner. Thank you for listening, it helps.

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Wow. Sorry to hear about the relationship. Maybe it really is for the best for the reasons you've listed.

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Sorry, but it's still better than letting your fundamental differences fester through several years of marriage and children.

 

At least now you know what to watch out for.

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Breaking an engagement over email, man that's cold. Given the kind of person who would do that, I'd say that you're better off having this happen now than later.

 

At the same time, sorry to hear, man.

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"It is unfortunate that your love for me is conditional on what I believe and do not believe."

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I thought Methodists were mellower about this stuff than fundies?

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She had asked me to join her Methodist Church(i am technically a Catholic), for the purpose of having our wedding there. I accepted, and she said, "good, now we can call you a Methodist instead of an agnostic"! I corrected her and told her that even though i am joining her church, i do indeed remain agnostic. This seemed to really bother her ...

 

I find it interesting that she was concerned about you joining the church, but not about whether you believed in god or had accepted Christ as your savior. I find it equally interesting that her concept of not being an agnostic was to join the church ... again, it had nothing to do with belief in god, but whether you were a member of an organization.

 

In any case, not to seem harsh, but, trust me, you didn't want to be committed to this relationship. If you do not believe and she does ... if she is the kind of person that prays before even a simple decision is to be made and you are agnostic ... this was winding up to be trouble in the end ... especially if children come along.

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Thanks everyone, i feel that you are all right on the money.

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Wow. That is the sum of all fears in deconversion - - losing people you love because they can't come to terms with the change. I'm sorry for your hurt and your loss. You must be reeling. It may be for the best, though you may not be able to easily see that now.

 

I hope you find a love that endures and that surpasses such conditionality.

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It sucks but probably for the best. It would be one thing to marry a "lip service" Christian that is one in name only and goes to church for Easter and Christmas, quite another to marry someone who really buys into that crap.

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Been their done that never will again.

Your better off without her it may take a month or two to get over it but it's for the best.

I'd make it a requirement the next girl has to accept you as you are and not try to make you what your not.

Being someone your not will make you miserable and feel trapped.

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I was head-over-heels for a woman that would have been a disaster for me to marry, as there were significant differences between us. I can see that in retrospect, but at the time would have done anything to be with her. Now I'm married to a woman that is like the other half of my jigsaw puzzle - we fit together just right.

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Wow, that is really really sad.

 

that's why I never asked out a girl who wore a cross though.

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You guys are the best. i have to give myself some credit. I really thought about re-embracing the Christian faith to appease her.

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Although I'm sure it's sad right now, it really sounds like you dodged a bullet.

 

When I was younger, but even into my early 20s, I just assumed I'd marry a Christian. Almost everyone I knew was a Christian, and my parents offered up very strong resistance to me dating an atheist. There were definitely guys that I liked totally separately from any issues of religion- smart, fun, nice guys.

 

I ended up marrying and then divorcing a real jerk who was a Christian. Obviously now I wish that I had made different decisions from the beginning and never gotten involved. BUT if I had to choose one to marry, I'm actually glad that I married the jerk instead one of the nice guys and that the marriage had other problems. Because it would have broken me to put someone I loved and respected through my deconversion. One of the guys I dated in the past is going to become a missionary, and it would have hurt both of us horribly to be married and then to have to reject his faith and his plans and possibly keep him from following his own dreams.

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Maybe it is time to start including non-theism in my requirements for a future partner.

 

I think the "requirement" is that someone accepts you for YOU and not for what you believe/don't believe and you do the same for them in return.

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I think the "requirement" is that someone accepts you for YOU and not for what you believe/don't believe and you do the same for them in return.

This gets thrown around a lot. An awful lot. It makes zero sense. Beliefs are part of who we all are. They must be considered.

 

So for example. Lets say you get with someone who turns out to hate gays and you don't care either way. Do you wish to hear them go on about how them queers are fucking up things for everyone else? Just bashing the shit out of those fags all the time? Or is this personal belief of theirs going to come between you at some point?

 

Same thing about other things. Like if they suddenly turn all neo-nazi, decide that women should be kept in their place or any number of other "beliefs" that can be associated to a religion but can also be something totally separate too. Beliefs drive a person and can't be held separate from that person in my mind.

 

Maybe people here can say "My special someone is a good person. Oh, they're off burning a cross on someones lawn right now, but darn it, I love'em to death despite our little difference in beliefs." Nope. Can't overlook that. It should show, I think, a larger set of issues. I guess, that is, unless you're only looking for someone that kisses your ass and treats the world like shit and you're okay with overlooking that. Then I guess we're good.

 

These are extreme examples because I'm not wanting to discuss every possible nuance of belief or personality type that may be. I know from experience here that when this arises it's from xian vs. deconversion. Magical thinking vs. the decision to stop. But beliefs are more than religion. They are in every part of our lives so I purposely chose other, though extreme, things.

 

But maybe I'm totally wrong. So tell me. Stripped of all your beliefs, all of them, what the hell are you? Anything of value at all? I can't even begin to imagine what I might be like without "beliefs." I wouldn't be able to gage what was real or true or what had any sort of value. How sad for me.

 

mwc

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Remember that time I asked you to marry me, MWC? :wub:

 

Welcome to the curse of the nonbeliever, general. It makes absolutely no sense for liberal theists and deists to be so discomfited by us, but they are, and the utter hypocrisy of their being so doesn't help matters any.

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The real irony for me is that i thought religion is supposed to harbor love and togetherness, not banishment and seperation! It comes in waves, the sadness, but i know in my heart i am much better off in the long run.

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I had a notorious ex do something similar to me a number of years ago. It was very painful, very frustrating, and felt so unfair. Truth is, though: I'm better off, and I knew it even at the time.

 

You're better off too. For some people, religion is so important that it's worth ending love relationships over. Your ex and mine are that kind of person. They both value adherence to doctrine more than loving real, living, breathing people. They will never love us as much as they love their deity; if we had stayed with them, we would always have come second in their lives. I don't find that acceptable in relationships, personally.

 

I can't imagine living like that. I would've been miserable with that ex, even if I'd reaffirmed my faith for him like he wanted, and even if I'd become the good little Christian wifey he wanted me to be. Let me repeat what others have said here: you seriously, seriously dodged a major bullet. As painful and humiliating as the loss is, you are far better off without her.

 

Chew that up and stick it to the roof of your mind as you heal. Give yourself plenty of time to move on, be gentle with yourself, expect a lot of emotional upheaval. But it will get better, in time.

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Guest Summersong

It's normal to be sad... and you'll probably be sad about it for a while. I think you won't truly understand how this is a good thing for you until the hurt has dissipated a little.

 

What I find telling is that you were willing to join a church for her, to go to church to support her beliefs, but she couldn't extend you that same courtesy. That says a lot, not just about religious beliefs, but about the kind of constant give-and-take that a healthy relationship needs. You gave, she took.

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Moments ago, i was informed by my fiancee, via email, that she is ending the relationship because she cannot come to terms with my lack of faith in her Lord and Savior jesus Christ.

She ended your relationship by e-mail? That is so Brian Seacrest and not in vogue! If she did not have the respect for you to end your relationship in person, to your face, then you are honestly better off without her.

 

Christianity teaches separation from family or separation from nonfamily nonbelievers. Those who are believers are those of the same denomination. Your situation is not just between Catholics and Protestants but I find that problem mostly among Protestant couples as well; Baptists vs Methodists or Lutherans and Presbyterians too. They all want to believe that it is their way that god loves and if he loves their religion or denomination, then he cannot love another one. I used to see Baptists almost foam at the mouth wanting new church members be baptized into their church, instead of accepting the baptism they already have. They rebaptize because that is what the apostles did when they found a convert that was baptized by someone else. I think it is a stupid way for Christians to behave towards each other. Try to remember that Christianity only fosters love and support in the denomination you belong to. There may be 'love' between churches of the same denomination but it is very difficult to find two people that enjoy worshiping together between denominations or Protestant and Catholic. When I lived in Utah, my Catholic friends that married Mormons wound up divorced in three to five years. Most of those who married into their own religious group are still married to each other.

 

It is one brand of lunacy trying to prove another brand is wrong.

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i thought religion is supposed to harbor love and togetherness, not banishment and seperation!

 

Historically, nothing has been further to the truth. The love/mercy blah blah blah that supposed to be shown is for those in the religion's "in" crowd. At any time, any combination of dissent, different socio-ecomic status, sexual orientation, physical handicap, mental handicap, race, political position or national origin will make a person an exception to the "love and togetherness" rule. Most churches operate under the delusion that such a harsh reality does not apply to them. That is something they believe of "other" churches, "but not our church. We're a very loving church."

 

Somewhere on this website is a youtube video of a lecture and q & a session by Jared Diamond about the five functions of religion. None of those functions include a "universal love and togetherness" bullet point. Religions are by nature exclusive, no matter how much they hurt the humans involved.

 

Here's the Link to the Jared Diamond video. - He really hit the nail on the head with that video!

 

It comes in waves, the sadness, but i know in my heart i am much better off in the long run.

 

 

I'm sorry for the waves of sadness. I experience such waves (for different reason) on a daily basis. Not fun. I'm glad you can see the positive side. Keep that up!

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Not to jump on a the bandwagon but you did dodge a major bullet. It pains me to say it but I didn't and in many ways am reaping the consequences. I was agnostic/apathetic my girlfriend was pretty hard core catholic. I attended mass but no communion and actually kind of liked the ceremony (this was in a college town so pretty liberal). Flash forward almost 20 years now. Wife left RC and joined non-denominational church, I'm now hard-core atheist. Wife is Bible Study Fellowship instructor, one kid *wants* to go to a christian college, the other hopefully won't, both have 4.0s with maxed out ACTs. Christmas and Easter are almost hysterical (in a bad way). Common themes in our house: James Dobson, Home-schooling, "christian" music, "christian" movies, Max Lucado, Bill OReilly, Hannity, Beck, Answers in Genesis (I'm a f****** molecular biologist!), Lee Strobel, AWANA, Josh McDowell, etc. I could go on but you get the picture. Damn, looking at this stuff (I am 99.99% opposed) gets me depressed.

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It may sound terse, but you are much better off for it in the long run, believe me.

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