Jump to content

Oh Dear Down The Rabbit Hole I Go...


kazza
 Share

Recommended Posts

The further i go into thinking about xianity being untrue the more stuff comes up...I'm going through a bit of time here as i'm sure you all have during a deconversation process - just wondering if anyone else has given up a relationship for Jesus in the past - you know - dont be unequally yoked and all that?

 

I have truely loved 2 men in my life my husband and my ex boyfriend who i was with before my husband - my ex was not a christian, i was with him 3 years - its a very complicated thing to try and expain but looking back - i was so confused about what was 'right', i knew i loved him (to be honest i always will) but there were massive doubts there, one of the major ones being the unequal yoke thing - in the end i walked away from the relationship - it was the most painful thing i have ever done - my heart still aches at times because of it and i miss him even though i am happy now with my dh and love him very much. My head was very wrecked for at least 2 years after evident in my erratic behaviour at the time - now i'm not basing my life on the bible and christian principles - i see the whole thing in a new light and its painful all over again - i wonder what could have been and what heartache could have been spared.

 

Its not that i am unhappy now and i know all these feelings will pass as my worls veiw adjusts - just looking back with different glasses on now and its kinda blowing me away a bit.

 

Also the whole re-evaluating what my morals and principle are - some relieveing (like i dont have to feel guilty anymore for not being a good submissive christian wife - ha! so not me!!) and others just confusing! Its like i'm free to think for myself - kinda scary - i think my dh is quite scared of what i'm gonna come up with - ha!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This was a very interesting process for me to watch progress in myself. There was quite a long period for me of running across things in the Bible or doctrine which I didn't notice until after I'd left the religion. Many of these things were not complicated or theologically abstruse, but somehow I never noticed them. As time went on, it became more and more clear to me that there had been something about Christianity which actually kept me from seeing certain parts of Christianity. I came to think of them as, "Hey, wait a minute!" moments.

 

One of these (And one of the most important in my deconversion.) was when I realized that the whole Jesus dying on the cross thing made Christianity a religion that demanded human sacrifice. As much as Christianity is steeped in the rhetoric of sacrifice, it hit me that we're not talking about the virtue of a parent making sacrifices for their child, or a husband making sacrifices for his wife; We're talking about strapping a victim to an altar and cutting their heart out, or throwing a virgin into a live volcano. At the very moment that realization hit me, I had the clear mental picture of how almost all Christians would react to hearing that some one else was a member of a religion that had them doing such things. They would certainly have no trouble at all in calling that religion evil. It would be immediately self-evident to them to the extent that any one who tried to defend it would be seen as morally insane, evil or at the very least, profoundly deceived by Satan.

 

Another such moment came when I was reading about Saul/Paul's road to Damascus experience. It hit me that here's Saul, going to persecute some Christians, Mr. Devout-To-A-Fault, Mr. Perfect-Under-The-Law, Mr. Scholarly Hebrew Theologian, and when "the Lord" breaks in on Saul's world, the first thing he does is fall to his knees in worship, followed by his asking, "Oh, by the way; Just who are you who I'm worshiping?"

 

I thought, "What the hell is this shit?? Why did I never notice this?"

 

A last example I'll give out of a long list is in my sig line here at ExC. We were perennially told as Christians that in Genesis, the snake was Satan and that he lied to Eve and that he's "the father of lies."

 

I don't know how many times I read that passage in Genesis and I know I read it, yet some how I never actually saw what was really there. When I finally did see it, it made the hair on my neck stand up. I thought, "Just what in holy hell has been done to me?!? What have they done to my mind, who's done it and how did they do it?"

 

I read that passage a number of times as a Christian, yet I saw only what I'd been trained to see, not what was really there.

 

The longer the list of these things became, the more it reinforced for me just how truly insidious that religion really is. I can't tell you how many times I've heard ex-Christians talk about how coming out of it was like taking the blinders off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lost a relationship and a potential relationship.

 

And the most horrible thing is that I didn't really believe or care if they believed. It was all due to parental pressure. And I was in my 20s and wasn't living at home.

 

Neither man was someone who I wish I were still in a relationship with. Both were nice guys who are still friends but I hope I would have broken up with them for the reason that I didn't want spend the rest of my life with them anyway. I'd been in the one relationship for four months, and I am incredibly ashamed of how I treated the guy.

 

What was really messed up was that after losing several relationships in a row (two over Christianity and one just didn't work out), I felt that it was obvious that I could never have a happy life with someone of my choosing, and I wouldn't even be able to choose my own boyfriends or friends unless I kept them secret. Like Kazza, I became erratic. I ended up marrying someone whose behavior raised massive red flags and who I wasn't sure I loved, because I considered my life to be as good as over as far as making my own choices was concerned. So as soon as a Christian man expressed interest in me, I figured I might as well be resigned to the fact that that was the destiny of my life and do it sooner rather than later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dumped my first real girlfriend because of Christianity. I broke her heart. I also blew my chance at losing my virginity with someone I truly loved, as it got as far as her being naked in my bed tearfully begging me to make love to her. I kick myself to this day. It is a very bitter memory.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can say one thing. I have never given up a relationship while I was in Christianity, though I have had friends abandon me the closer they got to the flame and the further away I got. It did tell me a lot about those people, though. If they weren't Christians, they would've done the same damn thing--if someone who made better promises came along, someone with more money, someone who could get them something, then I will have outlived my usefulness to them.

 

It's much the same way when friends get "on fire for God" and decide that you're not "hot" enough to be bothered with. It's the same principle. I'm somehow not good enough because I dared to question what I've been taught since I was four. It was ridiculous.

 

I have not dropped friends or boyfriends for Jesus. Friends have abandoned me in pursuit of Jesus, or whatever it was the church sent them in pursuit of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Never did that. I did, however, give up on Jesus in favor of having relationships . . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lost a relationship and a potential relationship.

 

And the most horrible thing is that I didn't really believe or care if they believed. It was all due to parental pressure. And I was in my 20s and wasn't living at home.

 

Neither man was someone who I wish I were still in a relationship with. Both were nice guys who are still friends but I hope I would have broken up with them for the reason that I didn't want spend the rest of my life with them anyway. I'd been in the one relationship for four months, and I am incredibly ashamed of how I treated the guy.

 

What was really messed up was that after losing several relationships in a row (two over Christianity and one just didn't work out), I felt that it was obvious that I could never have a happy life with someone of my choosing, and I wouldn't even be able to choose my own boyfriends or friends unless I kept them secret. Like Kazza, I became erratic. I ended up marrying someone whose behavior raised massive red flags and who I wasn't sure I loved, because I considered my life to be as good as over as far as making my own choices was concerned. So as soon as a Christian man expressed interest in me, I figured I might as well be resigned to the fact that that was the destiny of my life and do it sooner rather than later.

 

 

I can relate to you in a way...I didn't have any pressure on me but I got married at 19 because I thought it was God's will for me to get married (also because I wanted to have sex...can't have sex outside of marriage, so it would make god happy if I just married the guy). I barely knew my fiance and I didn't use any reasoning at all...he also had red flags, but I just walked blindly into it because he was a christian. Shortly after the marriage is when I lost faith. A lot of hell and high water ensued. I've always been so angry at myself for making such a big mistake...most of all for possibly missing forever the love of my life, whoever he would've been.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't really told many people of my deconversion, except my immediate family. My husband is somewhat tolerant, although a bit worried. My kids seem concerned, like maybe mom's going through a "midlife" thing. Interestingly, I have pulled back from friends, though. Not because they were rude, but because I haven't had the nerve to talk to them about this. They all think I am just really busy right now. What they don't know is that I have entered a different dimension. I am thinking my own thoughts, and I don't think I will ever be the same. I assume those friendships will fall away, as well. But I am not afraid. I am active with my children, my hobbies, my part time jobs, etc. As it turns out, church was such a fabricated social network. I am starting to not miss it as much.

 

Relatinships are fluid. They change, like the people in them. That happens with or without a religious breakdown.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its been really interesting and helpful for me to read all your replies - its so heart-renching going back over your life thinking about all those things that you did or didnt do 'for Jesus' that now just seem so pointless to say the least - i guess its just accepting what is but i think maybe i'm gonna have to do some grieveing to get to the acceptance bit! I kinda feel like i'm reeling at the mo...this is harder than i thought it would be. I'm off to see a good friend today to talk some of this through cos i feel like i'm going a bit mad!

 

JoD - i think related to what you say is that if we look back and have regrets about stuff related to christianity, without christianity there would still be regrets just different ones with different reasons/causes - that makes sense...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dumped my first real girlfriend because of Christianity. I broke her heart. I also blew my chance at losing my virginity with someone I truly loved, as it got as far as her being naked in my bed tearfully begging me to make love to her. I kick myself to this day. It is a very bitter memory.

 

Reminds me of my bitter memory - allowing my dad to stop me from going to the prom with the girl I loved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, I had given up the opportunity to have a sweet relationship with a beautiful girl -- whom --- interestingly enough is a very sexy private dancer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.