I Was The Child Who Could Not Be Bent

[EastCoastGal]

Hi All, I'm new to the website but not to the movement.

 

In some ways, my feelings and struggles are different than perhaps the "usual" ex-christian, if there is such a thing.

Though my parents immersed me in the Christian community, for some reason I just never took hold of it. From my earliest memory I never integrated into the church. Something inside of me never believed in the Sky God or whatnot, and I could never bring myself to even fake confess my love of Jesus.

This of course has led to problems my entire life thus far.

When I was four, I refused to come forward and "accept" Jesus at the "Kindergarten Call", I also refused to be in the Nativity Holiday Plays. My parents were furious and decided I needed special counselling sessions with the minister. I kept telling him I just didn't believe it. The Minister declared I had a black spot of Satan touching my soul, my parents were so humiliated they changed churches as they could not bear the shame of going to a church where all the members knew I was "possesed" by the black spot.

 

So the next few years (5-12) were spent in Church number two, where my parents threatend me every Sunday morning to pretend I loved God, and sing loudly so the rest of the congregation would not find out the shameful family secret that Satan had me. If my mother thought I was mumbling over the words to the glorious hymns we were singing, there would be many backhanded slaps to my face to get me to "Sing properly to God" etc. All in public during the actual services of course, but the congregation would say nothing about the constant physical abuse during services as they all quietly knew I was a young child denying God and needed "extra physical encouragment" to get "right" with God.

 

I spent my Sunday school classes attempting to discuss my views at times, but really very silent and withdrawn. The other kids were actively encouraged to exclude me because I had not said I loved God yet. During these years my name was read out loud as a prayer request during service, that's right, every week I did not fall to the ground praising Jeebus my parents requested the church would pray for me to get the Jesus inside of me.

When I returned from Church I would spend the rest of the day copying the entire Bible by hand. I would be denied food for days on end until I memorized entire Psalms, I had to write "By not loving Jesus I am not honoring my father and mother" 100 times everynight before going to bed, etc. It was tiring. My handwriting was "graded" by my mom and I was punished for every letter she deemed malformed, because it was a personal insult or some such.

 

We eventually had to change churches again, because the parents of the church didn't want me to come to youth group anymore, worried that I didn't love God and somehow would effect their children with my non love. I was a good, straight A, quiet mannered kid, however those qualities don't count. The kids in youth group kept having sex with each other by accident (devil lust or something) and did loads of pot, but that was cool because they cried and would say something along the lines of Jesus coming to give them big hugs, and were forgiven.

 

My parents were humiliated again, so in desperation they started attending a very fundy church in hopes of getting the Satan out of me. I'd get locked in a room with the minister many Saturdays for him to yell at me etc about the Bible and about my place as a child to bow to the wishes of my parents and finally love Jesus for once.

 

Eventually I went to college and never went to church again, sorry charlie. Occasionally an ex church aquaintence will "confront" me at an Olive Garden or Shopping Mall with these wild statements about how they dreamed that I defaced a Bible in their fitful sleep one night, and how I must be a witch in leage with Satan in order to give them such dreams. Quite old hat at this point people, move on.

 

As far as I know, I'm constantly on the prayer list at my parent's church for God to remove the black spot Satan put on my soul.

I've had enough of that, thanks.

 

I don't know why I never gave in and fed the adults in my life with lies about having Jesus or loving God, I suppose it was never in my character.

My parents think I'm such a hellion over this God issue. I think most parents dream of having a child like I was. I was polite, I entertained myself, I was very good in school, I was well liked by my teachers, I did acts of kindness, I didn't even have a drink until I was 21 because I respect even those over zealous laws, I vote, I get my work done on time, I volunteer with the homeless

But I'm the "Hellion" with the mark of Satan.

 

Oh well! I suppose I can't be an ex Christian with out being one first, but here I am!

[florduh]

Welcome. It sounds like you were the ideal child - it was the parents who were screwed up.

 

I would also add, if that's you in the avatar, Satan has good taste.

[EastCoastGal]

Hi Florduh, Thanks for the welcome.

I hope I didn't make myself sound like an angel, I was surely typically bratty and kid like at times, but I never did anything criminal or out of control. I was still treated so harshly, all over religion!! Now that I'm an adult in my early 20s, my parents still try to physically punish me for not loving God, my mother usually throughs boxes at me or trying to hit me with hangers. Sadly I've had to really minimize contact with them, which is painful.

And yes that is my pic, though it be with a measly web cam.

[florduh]

You were never fooled by religion, and in my book, that makes for an ideal child with a clear head and great potential.

 

Sorry, but your folks sound like they are certifiable. Love and respect need to be earned; they don't automatically come with the genes. Sorry they are so impossible to deal with, but as you will see if you hang around here for long, you are not alone.

[gypsy79]

Welcome, ECG. As a point of identification with your story, I completely understand the humiliation of being added to the prayer list.

 

(Mom found it necessary to tell her Sunday School class when I had sex as a teenager. Her explanation when I became livid was that they had to pray for me to repent. Gag.)

 

Good for you for not giving in all those years. I don't know how you did it. It must have been difficult, but I'm sure you are a stronger person for it. I look forward to getting to know you.

[noob]

EastCoastGal, you are amazing! I feel certain that your ability to think clearly combined with your tenacity will serve you well throughout your life. It saddens me that your parents are so clueless that they do not recognize your brilliance. Welcome. I hope you find this a supportive and friendly place!

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Wow! You kept your head through some serious crap, and turned out well. I hope you have found some good friends to hang with now.

 

I didn't have to deal with that kind of abuse personally, but witnessed it in quite a few families. One girl kept going up to "get saved" and her mother was frustrated because it never took. I realize in retrospect that the kid was trying to make it work, but that there was nothing really there. She was more grounded in reality than the rest of us. One dad would call his boy "punk" and would smack him. This guy was huge and could do damage.

 

Other girls from the "girls home" were talked about in the third person while sitting there. The old crones that ran the place knew better than to be so rude, but did so anyway. The girls weren't people, they were projects that weren't cooperating with indoctrination. Grrr. Occasionally one would make the switch and become a raging fanatic preaching to the other girls non-stop. It was one way to get positive feedback from adults.

 

Anyway, welcome! I hope you will add your thoughts to the forum more often.

[Vomit Comet]

I would also add, if that's you in the avatar, Satan has good taste.

 

I concur.

[HelloWorld]

It is interesting what makes Christianity stick to some and not others.

 

By golly. I wish I had your character in this regard.

[defygravity]

That is an aspiring life story. I was one of those kids who tried to please my parents by doing all the required crap. But it never really took. I tried for years and years, I even made up stories to make my mom happy. The things some kids will do sometimes to get a parents approval. One year at a vacation Bible camp, I went to be "healed a freed" from that evil rock music and lied to my mom that I saw a demon jump out me.

My mom still doesn't know that I left the religion when I was 30, after my dad died. It really changed me. Way more to the story but I don't want to thread jack!

Welcome to the group!

[angelinabee]

You did as a child what I didn't have the balls to do until I was in my late twenties. You're a total inspiration.

 

Isn't it funny how not being christian can give you the mark of being this terrible person when you're otherwise completely responsible? I never bought into the christianity thing either, and I volunteered with the SPCA and the public library from the time I was twelve years old, had freakishly good manners and a child and teen, didn't drink a sip of alcohol until I was 22 years old, have never done an illegal drug in my life, bought my first car with my own money that I made as a checkout girl at Food Lion when I was sixteen, and graduated from high school and college at nearly the top of my class.

 

I was looked down upon for not being "christian enough" when all of the good christian girls were getting pregnant (I was the only girl in my church youth group who wasn't pregnant before the age of 18), dropping out of high school to marry their children's fathers and get their GED, and going to parties directly after church and smoking weed and driving home drunk (in one case it was right after she'd done a lesson in front of the whole church about the "evils" of teen drug use).

 

Sigh. It still makes my head spin after all these years.

[pitchu]

Welcome to the forums, ECG. As one who in infancy, according to my mother, would shriek and claw at her clothes when brought into church to hear Dad preach, I think you and I must have some genetic predisposition to not get hoodwinked by jesus. When they isolate that gene, let's hope it gets spliced into people, since tomatoes seem to come by it naturally.

[ShallowByThyGame]

We are all born rational athiests, and then our respective cultures try to cram illogical things down our throats so that we conform and don't make waves. Your defiance is impressive, are you an only child? Sounds like you are.

[Kyle]

First, welcome.

 

Your story is really sad. You have an amazing amount of courage to stick to your beliefs in the face of the abuse. Very few of us had the guts at such a young age. Kudos.

[franklyorange]

"The Minister declared I had a black spot of Satan touching my soul"

 

What is it about pastors? Do they all have to take a vow of jackassedness?

[lunaticheathen]

That "black spot" nonsense made me think of pirates, actually. Which probably would have been a lot cooler than being in church, hehe.

Anyway, I often felt the same as you, not really buying into it, but unlike you, I really did try to catch the Jesus wave. I did want to believe in it all, and therefore be accepted. But I suppose I just wasn't the kind of person to swallow the bait and be happy about it. Trying to be what they wanted made me miserable. Suicidal, in fact.

And the way your mother treated you is downright criminal. She needs a straitjacket and a thorazine nap. My mother used to hit me (sometimes for not loving Jeebus enough, sometimes for, well, whatever), but when I started hitting back, that stopped. Now I live two states away.

Welcome to the forum, in any case, and hope you find a way to deal with your parents. They sound awful, and I'm so sorry. :hugs:

[SilentLoner]

Welcome! That is a really amazing story. I didn't doubt until my preteen years, and even after that it took me years to admit it out loud and become defiant.

I don't think I could have stood up to what you endured even if I had realized the BS from the start. You are truly admirable.

[dichotomy]

Wow, I can't believe the abuse that you had to go through, how can anyone treat their child in that way? Well done for getting through it and not giving in! As the mother of an (almost) four year old it horrifies me even to think that anyone could expect their little child to go up and "accept Jesus at the Kindergarten call". OMG!

[wt-hell?!]

Wow, your story is very inspiring. I wish I had been able to stand up. But when I was told to sing, I sang. When I was told to go to the alter, I went reluctantly. When I was younger, after sometime, I bought into it. Even my 4 and 5 yr old siblings, pretending to be a pastor in church and miraculously healing others! I definitely decided to let it catch hold of me instead of writing scripture and sentences on days without end. Or being threatened in church to act right and love God. I can understand that abuse aspect of it, but I was not as strong as you. Way to go for not buying into the bs!

[lulukan]

If I could rewind time, I would have been a child just like you! I would have fought and denied religion and been a real hell-raiser. But I was so eager to please my parents that I went along with everything like a good Christian girl and although I questioned things, I pushed all my doubts down and went along with my parents when they said I should just trust God.

 

I am proud of you!!You are such an amazing fighter! So jealous that I was not like that- lol

 

L.

[PK!]

Wow, very inspirational story! I'm 21 and i've been a closet agnostic for 2 months now. Just can't seem to find the courage to spill the beans to the parentals. You girl, are quite brave.