Breakup Advice?

[Guest brookacton]

So I just ended a six month relationship with my first non-ex-christian boyfriend.... (I had another ex-christian boyfriend earlier who had been an ex-christian for so long he didn't even seem like an ex-christian, but he still could relate to my struggles and my overall ambiguous worldview)

this non-ex-christian boyfriend was raised an atheist jew, had never really done any questioning, or if he had couldn't talk about it, and could not relate to my ambiguous worldview or so-called "issues" at all...saw the world in a very black and white way, which I suppose works for some people, but not for me.

With all my other ex-boyfriends (two, ha) things ended on a nice, positive, intimate note, but not with this guy, who hates being wrong and gets very defensive... so I guess its best its over, but I'm still a bit depressed. I've noticed that ever since I left the church, I've gone from one relationship to another, I think I'm afraid of being alone.

I realize this is a bit OT (maybe it belongs in another forum?) but I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to move on? I've been reading a lot of Erich Fromm lately (he has written some very interesting books, you might even be interested in his argument against Protestantism in his book "Escape from Freedom") and apparently finding your own individuality and be secure in your own individual identity is more than just the normal advice of "get a hobby, distract yourself, keep busy etc"... though perhaps that is good too.

Any advice or suggestions based on your own experiences would be greatly appreciated.

I hope you are well.

 

x Brook

[hereticzero]

For something to do, I joined the American Homebrewers Association and I make my own beer from grain. That's a hobby that is not too expensive to get into or to stay in. You can also compete against other homebrewers. I also make custom knives for friends and family. I have a waiting list longer than my lifetime to complete. The idea is to stay busy.

 

I don't look to win arguments, just present information. You will never win an argument with a fundy, they refuse to see reason or recognize defeat. I make a few arguments and quit. I try not to get into pages of arguments on the web. I don't see any use in debating christians. They are their own worst enemy.

[hollygolightly]

Read ... you're never alone if you have a good book. Read for fun or for purpose ... it doesn't matter which. Either way, for me, winds up being a headfirst dive into sociology and/or psychology. it's any easy way to get comfortable being alone with yourself.

 

For pure fun invest in an xbox 360. My brother gave my husband and I one for a wedding present and we use it more than the microwave. I had a playstation back in college, and god of war got me through a break up, actually. With the 360, though, you can play through games on your own or join up with friends. I just moved from FL to CA when I got married, and my family and I all still play Halo 3 together. My brothers and my dad all jump on and it is just like old times.

 

If you need advice on which books to read, or which games to try out, let me know. or if you just need to talk you can pm me.

[Neo-skeptic]

On the Xbox side of things, Portal is a great time waster for anyone who enjoys puzzles (it's available for PC, as well). If you like shoot-em-ups, Left 4 Dead is always fun (also available for PC, I believe).

 

I find that playing guitar helps a lot during rough times, as does drawing/sketching. Reading, too, is a great way to heal wounds; Douglas Adams is a favorite of mine. Hell, any sort of new hobby will help, whether it be cooking, running, knitting, paintball, learning how to dance, etc... If you're too busy enjoying life, your past can't haunt you. I don't have a whole lot of experience in the break-up department, but sitting around dwelling on it doesn't do you any good. In short, do something new and adventurous. Can't go wrong with that :-)

[Guest Ramos28]

join a dance class...i joined salsa once I de-converted and started doing that once a week. its a lot of fun, something to do, keeps you fit, and you meet new people (and new guys).

Playing/listening to music helps too.

Also, i joined a yoga class and that's been very good as well.

[♦ nivek ♦]

"Gonna wash that man right outa my hair... Gonna wash that man right outa my hair, send him on his wayyyy!"

 

Gads, Mom made us listen to South Pacific until needle went through album!

 

Anything you can do that isn't centered on "him". Get involved in something different, things you two did not do together dressed and outside. Hell, take up underwaterbasket weaving at the Y, anything that gets your mind off of him and what he meant to you.

 

Don't know you well enough to *diagnose*, but can advise that "Life goes on after shit happened". Find something you want to do/try/experience, go do it.

 

Try not to turn introspective and inward, looking for answers. Aint'a there. None out *here* either. The big However is that you find way off.ass, out from computer and electronic entertainment, and go play outside in the adult world..

Lots to do and try that you can keep busy with.

 

Eventually *busy* replaces *him*, and life goes on, hopefully towards your better satisfaction.

 

kevinF'nL

[Heavenslaughing]

Committing myself to relationships after losing the only community I had was something I did, also. You're saying you want to find yourself, to find your identity, and that this involves more than just finding something to do. For the part that does involve doing things, find some way in which you enjoy creating. Avoid the Xbox; video games can provide a fun break if you're already in a good place, but if you're already down and don't have the social circle you'd like, they can keep you from exiting that space. Even with reading, for all the ideas you may discover, you're more in a receiving position. In my experience, you don't just find yourself. You make yourself. Finding what you enjoy creating, and who you enjoy sharing those creations with, is a big part of that. If you can, start with something social: dance classes, art lessons, or discussion groups if you're reading, or whatever. Don't worry if you can't dance (or brew beer, or grow plants, or whatever). If it's your thing, you can learn.

[decafaholic]

I've noticed that ever since I left the church, I've gone from one relationship to another, I think I'm afraid of being alone.

 

Oh my _____! Me too but in a more literal way. From childhood, I was perfectly content to play by myself. As a teenager, I threw parties and joined groups and enjoyed my friendships, but I needed alone time every day. I ate lunch alone on purpose in an empty classroom just to escape the noise. I had no problem shopping alone, exercising alone, driving alone, eating in a restaurant alone, etc.

 

When I left the church, that all changed. If I have to choose between eating alone and not eating at all, it really is a hard decision for me. Sometimes I'll put off meals until I can find someone to eat with. Eating alone is torture for me. Driving alone is bad too. I commute to school 30 minutes every day and it seems like the longest drive in history! Needless to say, I send a lot of text messages.

 

Until now I thought I was the only one! Thanks for posting. I went through a breakup last summer with a Christian guy. It crushed me. I couldn't sleep or eat without medication. Had trouble concentrating. cried a lot. it was horrible. everything reminded me of him. There were tons of CD's I couldn't listen to without crying. Couldn't watch any movies that involved romance. My friends helped me out by calling and checking on me. Plus, I was taking college algebra that summer every day so that helped distract me. Having a pet helps. That's all I can tell you.