So It Begins

[Dagan]

I had a fight with my wife today, it was a relatively small one about money (I've had my hours cut back thanks to the recession, the credit card bill never seems to decrease even when we pay it off blahblahblah) but I blurted out a couple of things and came dangerously close to letting the cat out of the bag, the black cat called "unbelief" which will end my life as I know it if our friends and family find out (sorry about the shitty metaphors and run-on sentences, I'm on my third shot of potato vodka and it seemed to make sense at first).

 

It didn't help that she brought the topic up while I was finally relaxing after three days of having the in-laws staying in our small home. I know she meant well, but... timing!

 

She suggested I go for coffee with one of my old church friends, who once was a mentor figure for me. I strongly suggested that would never happen, and said I didn't have any friends in church, that the only reason people there wanted to be my friend was to use me for something. I didn't get into it with her, but this so-called friend hasn't tried to talk to me for at least a year. Last time we "talked" it was a waste of time, if I don't fit into the case studies in the "church elders handbook of how to deal with difficult people" he and other church leaders don't know what to do with me. And they don't want to be my friend. They want to fix me, or use me for something. Friends can just have coffee and truly talk about what's bothering them, or what interests them. These people are not my friends.

 

I ended the conversation by stating I thought church (and by association the church way of solving problems) was a waste of time, and she left the room. We made up later, I apologized for not keeping my anger and frustration under control (I didn't yell or anything but my frustration was pretty obvious) but there's a lot of stuff left unsaid. This isn't over.

 

I'm worried. I'm not ready to have that conversation with her yet -- the one in which I tell her I don't believe in Christianity anymore, and I'm not even sure if I believe in God anymore (probably not).

 

Has anyone else had to go through this with a believing spouse? Please, tell me how you got through it. All I can foresee right now is lots of tears, phone calls from people who haven't been bothered to call me for months, and more fights.

[Vomit Comet]

Godspeed, Jabberwokk. (Couldn't think of a better term, I'm afraid.) I've never been in those shoes, but there are plenty of guys here who have. They'll all start piling on this thread before long, in ways that will genuinely help you.

[Guest RATIONAL EYES]

yes i have........i told her a few months ago and she was kinda shocked by it because shes a sunday school teacher,we have been toghether 10 years.

we just decided we wouldnt let our beliefs or nonbeliefs be the focus of our relationship. it does come up once in a while or you will be thinking about it but decide not to say anything to avoid a possible fight. It just depends on the person you're with. This further enhanced her position of not wanting to have kids with me EVER.

i wouldnt want them thrown into bible school to let the brainwashing begin,i think they should have a choice. we would have conflicting ideas on how to raise kids.

Good luck man,im goin thru it too...............

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I echo your feelings about being used by church folks. I can't tell you how many times I heard "We sure could use you..." Rather blatant now that I think about it. When we left church, nobody contacted us except one former pastor who had no problem with us bailing on church. He's a good guy and may unplug himself one of these days. I hope for the best for you and your wife.

[Yrth]

It's going to hurt until you talk with her.

 

Eventually she is going to find out, only now you have the opportunity to both control the manner in which she finds out and to actually be the one to tell her.

 

I haven't gone through this with a believing spouse, but I have gone through it with a believing girlfriend. Similar, not the same, I know. At the time I talked to her about what was going on with me pseudo constantly, and that was painful enough. It was upsetting to think about what that meant for our future (nothing, apparently. we're happy) but I know that had I kept what was going on with me from her that, well, 1) I would have found someone else and 2) she would have (rightfully) felt betrayed.

 

Keeping it secret from people is like driving a wedge between the two of you or like planting a weed because you and she are theoretically supposed to trust one another with everything. If you do decide to start trusting in her again, I would begin with a huge apology for keeping it secret in the first place, in spite of the very real excuse you have that originally drove you to lie: fear of losing her. Your near-miss with the cat-and-the-bag tells me and anyone watching that you are still in love with her because you are having such a hard time hiding the truth.

 

Imo.

[Dagan]

Thanks everyone,

 

I know telling her the truth is the right thing to do, I'm just going to have to pick a good time.

[pitchu]

Jabbrwokk,

 

There have been many threads here on this subject through the years, and if you care to, you might try a search with key words.

 

I wish you well in handling this very trying situation.

[ShallowByThyGame]

The only thing I know for sure about relationships is that once your start hiding things you start down a dark path. If you love her than you must be willing to trust her with your inner most thoughts. Otherwise it is simply theater, and not a real marriage of souls and minds. She may leave you, but why stay with someone who denies you. You know where she is because you were there once. Be gentle but do not compromise your beliefs. You are still the man she fell in love with, and you need to remind her of that.

 

To quote the amazing band Tool...

 

I've done the math enough to know

The dangers of our second guessing

Doomed to crumble unless we grow

And strengthen our communication

[pitchu]

Jabbrwokk,

 

There have been many threads here on this subject through the years, and if you care to, you might try a search with key words.

 

Further to this point, a search for the key words "unequally yoked" will bring up a lot of threads -- many on the issue of marital problems because of religious differences.

[Tealeaf]

Not in your shoes. Not even close to even considering being married. Young and stupid. Never been religious or raised religious. Etc. here.

 

This sounds truly sad to me though. So much suffering for absolutley NOTHING. To me, if religion causes one iota of pain like this, it fails miserabley at all it's cracked up to be (and most certainly is not) horribley and tragically.

 

My advice to you is be stern and consistent will your stance. Don't bellow it out like it's the bees knees or something. Women love to take offence or the farthest possible stance from you if you make a point of emphasizing anything they don't disagree with or don't want to consider. Just be a man and state your reasons for empracing rational thought over ridiculous, baseless superstition. Get her to come closer to you with it as a sort of rebellion. If you can get her on your side, you'll be closer as a couple and that's all that matter shere. Fuck everyone else.

[Dagan]

Thanks again everyone,

 

I looked through some of the old forum posts on marriage and being unequally yoked. There are some real horror stories, and some that turned out OK. Just like every relationship in life, I guess. I was encouraged by what I saw, that some people had spouses who were willing to try and understand, or at least stay together and hold on to the fact they love each other.

I'm pretty lucky, my wife is awesome. She is understanding, optimistic and stoic in tough times. Me, I'm a pessimist. Somehow, she puts up with me. It will probably break her heart when I tell her I don't share her faith anymore, but I think she will listen to me, respect my decision and try to understand. We've already worked through so much fundamentalism deprogramming together as Christians, I know she will at least seriously think about what I have to say. It will be tough, and I'm sure there will be lots of tears, but we truly meant "for better and for worse" when we got married.

 

The thing I won't be able to handle, though, is all my old church "friends." My former mentor came by today to talk (she still treats me like a confidant and I can't put a stop to this without blowing the lid off everything), and what I used to think were spiritual conversations about helping others grow closer to Christ, I see now are just gossip sessions cloaked in spiritual language. She really believes she is helping, but she and the other church leaders are just meddling in people's lives and doing all sorts of crazy damage. When the Jesus virus doesn't take hold, they say things like "You never knew me."

 

You know, Matthew 7:21-23:

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, 10 but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name?' Then I will declare to them solemnly, 'I never knew you. 11 Depart from me, you evildoers.'

 

Of course no one ever bothers to point out this contradicts the three verses immediately preceding:

A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them.

 

So... if I bear "good fruit" I can't be a rotten tree, but even if I do "mighty deeds" in Christ's name I can still be a hypocrite destined for hell? Sounds like a contradiction, and nice easy way to write off any "true" Christians who leave the faith and it makes me ill when this gets used to just dismiss someone who starts asking questions.

 

I know that one's going to get used on me, and when it does, whoever says it is going to go home with a boot in their rectum. What a bunch of shit. I had the same visions, dreamed the same dreams, felt the Holy Spirit directing my life... right up until he vanished. Then I realized it was all in my head. But they won't be able to accept that, somehow they will rewrite in their minds the last five years of our friendships and see I was always a nasty evil hypocrite. Well, fuck you too, then.

 

Anyway, that's a battle for another day. Thanks again for listening and sharing your stories, advice and experiences.

[Seeker630]

from Jabbrwokk------------

 

You know, Matthew 7:21-23:

QUOTE

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, 10 but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name?' Then I will declare to them solemnly, 'I never knew you. 11 Depart from me, you evildoers.'

 

Which leads one to ask-----just how are you supposed to know if you are one of the "evildoers" or not? How is one supposed to know if they have done the "father's" work? I mean if they all go through the same motions, what's the difference supposed to be? Or do you just get to guess that you're one of the good guys, and keep your fingers crossed? Kind of like a spiritual lottery ticket. There are also other passages in the Bible that say that only a few will get to heaven, no matter what. I mean it's a salvation krap shoot---nothing more.

 

As for the OP----I never had any big crisis of faith in my marriage. We divorced over issues that had nothing to do with religion. But I can tell you the same as some of the others have mentioned-----------do not, under any circumstances, go on living a lie. The cognitive dissonance in your own mind will tear you apart eventually. You have indicated that you understand this. I hope the day goes well when you finally out yourself to your wife. Be as gentle as possible, but don't downplay it or try to soft-soap it either.

 

I think you said you have no children. That may be a blessing in a case like this, because the presence of kids in the equation would be enormously complicating when the time comes. As it turned out, my kids all took it in stride, and I have yet to lose any friend or relative over coming out.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[rocksandstuff]

Been through all that, still going through it some 8 months or so later. It gets better with time. People (aka my wife) can adjust, but it takes time. Honesty for me has come in degrees, small doses for my wife to be able to handle; she lets me know when it's too much. It is not fun, period, but if the relationship is worth it, then it's all worth it. Look around, as people have said, probably nothing has helped me more than knowing I'm not alone, there have been a lot of others, as you noted, who have been through similar experiences.

[defygravity]

I am intrigued by this. I am not in this situation, dh was never a believer so he I think he was relieved when I turned my back on this.

I hope it works out for you. I can tell you don't want this to come between you and your wife.