Raul Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Let's cut to the chase. I've been dating a woman since January and our relationship came to a very (and I really do mean it) strong crescendo yesterday. The day began,in a sense,rather casually... We went to a concert,spent some time together,had a few beers... Now here's the tough part: We're sitting in a caffe and out of the blue she asks me 2 questions a) What are my feelings and intentions towards her? Did I ever have a girlfriend before? My heart just dropped. Well,a very emotional exchange followed,I told her,that I've special feelings and intentions towards her and that though I may not be good at expressing them she's the only one I am thinking about for a long time now (all true,though I think,that much of this came to her as a surprise) and that I never had a girlfriend before("Oh,so you only need me for practice!")... That was a very hard time for me,but though her reaction wasn't very encouraging she didn't break up with me,at least,yet and I also want to try to pursue the relationship. As for her,she had a negative experience in relationships before she started dating me,so it's understandable,that she doubts my motives and feelings. Also I was probably very implicit about them until that moment anyway. So,any advice here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 So,any advice here? This is one of the hard aspects of relationships. Everyone brings their own history (baggage) in with them. All you can do is do your best to be honest and open without being pushy & clingy. With someone who's been hurt in the past, all you can do is start working harder to express your feelings for her more often. Since you say you're not very good at it, and it took her by surprise that you are interested in pursuing the relationship further, I feel that she requires (as many women and people do) to be told how you feel about her, on a more consistent basis. I know it'll be hard at first, but it's like anything that you're not used to or haven't done much before, you just have to exercise the skill until it becomes natural. Other than that, avoid getting defensive. All you can take care of is you. And sometimes her history may come up ("oh, so you only need me for practice") and say hurtful or hard things that she doesn't necessarily mean towards you. She just has these old issues that are coming up. And if you can face them and accept that all you can do is respond with love, you'll be in a great position. Offer support and help, but never force your opinion on her, a person must ask for your opinion in order for them to truly accept it. But offering to listen, to support her and care for her feelings, will go a long way to her seeing that you are there for her and not just to use her- like has happened in her past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdog Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 It's probably a good thing you and girlfriend layed out some cards on the table. And she took the initiative to ask you that question. You have been dating for 4 months now, you probably have to be a little more of the pursuer, you be the one to take the initiative, whether you have dated or not before. If you like this lady, well you gotta make sure she knows it, sometimes us women need a definite sign and be secure in the relationship. It doesn't mean you have to lay it on thick every two seconds, and shower with declarations of love, but just allow it to come naturally, not too strong and not too wimpy. Communication, honesty and being yourself will go a long way. There are not many people around that do not have some emotional baggage of some kind, the important thing is not to allow the past to effect every present moment and to be constantly being defensive and untrusting. So watch out for that with your lady. If she has had some negative experiences and she is projecting onto you and is seeing you just another potential heart breaker then it is up to you to be sure of how you feel, and show you are not like the others. But you should not have to keep proving yourself all the time, she needs to take that risk and trust you and go with the flow. I will give you an example. when I first met my now husband of 19 years! I had been seriously hurt by a previous guy, and it took me a while to trust this new man in my life, but he looked me in the eyes and said, 'I am not him'. It was then up to me to take that risk and just let the past go and enjoy what I had with the new man. Like I said we have been together 19 years. so it worked out in the end! Anyway my two cents worth. I am sure you will receive all sorts of advice. I wish you well and just enjoy things. Was the concert enjoyable, you had fun with eachother, enjoy eachother's company? Go with the flow, don't stress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 I think it's a good thing she asked questions like that. Checking in about the status of a relationship and people's feelings is a good thing in my book; it helps keep things honest and clear so everybody knows what's going on. Her response bugged me though: "Oh, so you only need me for practice!" I mean, why is she assuming your motivations, and why does she assume they're negative or to her detriment? What was her overall tone - angry? Tongue-in-cheek? Sarcastic? Did she second guess you other than this? While I think it's a good thing that she recognized her own baggage, statements like her response to you there raise orange flags for me, because they may indicate that someone has a serious self-esteem problem and is going to make the relationship miserable by starting endless fights based on their negative assumptions about you, your feelings, your motivations, and your intentions. I have no way of knowing what your lady is like overall; but if she tends towards this sort of belief because of her own history, there is no way to win with someone like that. They'll just always see you as the enemy, out to get them just like Everybody Else. I know: I've been that person, and I've been with men who have been that person. It's no pretty sight. On the other hand, if this is something of a rarity, and is done in the context of checking in about people's feelings, and she's good at owning and containing her own emotional baggage, then I'd say - well issues are always something to be aware of, but owning them and working around them is a healthy thing. Arguments can get heated and emotional but y'know, if they're honest and fair and conducted without fighting dirty, soooooo much stuff can be aired in them and worked out. I think you've gotten great advice here from others too. My last word is that I don't recommend having intense conversations when one is under the influence - at least I've never had much luck with that. I mean sometimes stuff just comes up, but otherwise I just make it a policy to avoid arguments or serious discussions when drinking... too easy for things to get out of control, when substances are added to the mix... But other'n that - stay with it as long as you care about each other and the relationship is satisfying for both of you. And best of luck, always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Be honest, but communicate in her language. Tell her you don't care about the past and just being with her at this point in time is making you happy so you want to continue. Don't go into complicated excuses or stories or she'll probably think you're trying to worm your way out. Just concern yourself with the present time, and reject any of her assumptions of using her. It's not fair of her to say that and you can tell her that it's insulting. A relationship is about symbiosis, so ask her what she likes about you and then tell her what you like about her. Be mature, and if she has a bad day don't give up on her. She may rock the boat a bit to see if you can handle her and are serious, even if this is not consciously done. You don't owe her anything though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raul Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 First of all,I d like to thank everybody for your advices and to say,that you've been really helpful. As for the situation,she has apologized for what happened (in e-correspondence,we haven't seen each other yet ) and I can also see,that I made some mistakes,which you've already pointed out. if she has a bad day don't give up on her. No,of course not. This didn't even cross my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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