How I Became A Mad Scientist

[bird28]

You might be wondering why I call myself a Mad Scientist, all will be explained

 

I sit here typing this hoping my three roommates don't catch on... one is a Christian, one is a Pagan, and I don't know about the other girl, we are getting along fine, I don't want to start a religious clash. I'm not even using my own user name from other forums because I don't want to be discovered. I feel sad typing this out.

 

Basically I was born to two schizophrenics who were patients in a mental hospital. My parents could not take care of me, so I was given to my maternal grandmother. I was raised by her, and on the fundamentalist scale from 1 being Atheist to 10 being Fundamentalist, she's a solid 9.5, not the most extreme but up there. As a child, we went to Baptist and Assemblies of God churches, switching sometimes.

 

I have the follower's personality and don't question much by nature, so I was a full on fundie. But there were a couple of things different about me. First was my childhood behavior. I would have extreme tantrums or meltdowns or whatever they were. Basically I had mental health issues as a child. I was labeled Emotionally Impaired and put in a Special Education class for part of the day. But I felt I didn't belong there, because I was not learning disabled. I was the opposite, I was exceptionally bright!!!

 

And from an early age I was drawn to science of all things. My grandma thankfully encouraged instead of discouraged me. But I did not believe all of science. I was taught Evolution was evil, and stuff like that, so that is what I believed, unquestioning. I knew there were a lot of messed up things in the Bible, but I never questioned.

 

Then in junior high I became obsessed with Birds. I used to carry around a bird book with me everywhere and memorize the different species. This was encouraged too.

But not everything was encouraged. For example, my grandma would waver over things and some years we would celebrate Halloween and some years not, she couldn't make up her mind. And then when I liked Pokemon, she didn't care at first, but heard somewhere it was evil and even chewed me out about it when I was 18.

 

Anyway, in college I began to learn real life. I joined a Christian group and made many Christian friends. But my major was Zoology and they didn't like it, and I took a Evolutionist vs. Creationism class out of curiosity. We had to write a paper either supporting or against Noah's Flood. So I tried to support it. I tried to scientifically support it. So I desperately looked through the library, internet for good solid scientific evidence supporting the Flood. Nothing I could find was really good, but I wrote the paper anyway and got a bad grade. That is when I started rethinking things.

 

I learned more and more about Evolution and Science in general. By the end of college, I switched my beliefs over to evolution, but didn't tell anyone about it.

 

I'm now on the path to becoming an Ornithologist (bird scientist) but I am having issues. I thought for a while my mental health problems went away through the power of God, but I had a couple of psychotic breaks and I'm now on medication. It's a horrible secret to keep, and I question God would purposefully do that to somebody. I still am not told very well what my disorder really is, it's like someone (God lol) picked random symptoms from a mood disorder, a psychotic disorder, an autism spectrum disorder and mix them together in a blender, but not enough symptoms from each to qualify fully for any of them really.

 

I am about to reject Christianity all together now, becoming more liberal over the years. But I feel brainwashed and stuff by everyone. I still fear Hell, I still fear the Rapture, I still fear what would happen if the believers of my family and my best friend found out, because I really don't want to be lectured by them. I can't stand up for myself very well and always loose arguments.

 

I feel like Christianity is some sort of drug that I can't really do without but I feel like I just want to get rid of it now, but can't totally kick the habit.

 

I don't know what to do, any other good websites, I can't get books because they would be discovered.

[gypsy79]

Welcome, bird. And *hugs*

 

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. We are here for you. Feel free to type out what you are thinking since you can't talk about it with your family or best friend. For me, typing my thoughts out has certainly helped get them straight. Also, reading other people's posts has helped me realize I am not alone.

[Centauro]

Welcome Bird28,

 

This site is a great place. A place where you can vent and get some excellent information. There are many here that can empathize with you and give guidance. Remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Come often and let us know how you are doing.

 

We look forward to hearing from you..

 

Take care,

 

Centauro

 

PS. As far as getting books to read and fear of confrontation from your roommates, you may do what I have done in the past.

My wife is a rabid fundamentalist and any information she sees or is confronted with makes her very angry and will witness to me.

What I do is go to the library, find a secluded,comfortable place, get some good reading material and relax. I have learned much on

how to recognize, deal with, and counter many of her legaistic, cryptic, and aggressive fundamentalist behavior. I used to be very angry

about it all, but educating myself in many areas of fundamentalism has helped immensely.

Knowledge is power, and I wish you the best in your journey.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I am about to reject Christianity all together now, becoming more liberal over the years. But I feel brainwashed and stuff by everyone. I still fear Hell, I still fear the Rapture, I still fear what would happen if the believers of my family and my best friend found out, because I really don't want to be lectured by them. I can't stand up for myself very well and always lose arguments.

 

I feel like Christianity is some sort of drug that I can't really do without but I feel like I just want to get rid of it now, but can't totally kick the habit.

 

I don't know what to do, any other good websites, I can't get books because they would be discovered.

 

Hi Bird28,

Fear is the strongest tool in the bag of Christianity and other religions. Without fear, people leave it in huge numbers. But fear of hell, fear of the devil, demons, "stuff of the devil" (rock music, porn, sex, new age anything, real science, anything not Republican), fear of God suddenly showing up and him being angry and actually doing something about it this time, and fear of what the other Christians will say all serve to keep believers in line. Even for those of us who have come out, it can take a long time to overcome years of behavioral conditioning. But it does fade, especially when we quit re-enforcing it.

 

I know the feeling of having people monitor your behavior, and it is so very annoying. It feels a bit like a police-state where you can't speak your mind for fear of a slapdown or worse. Again, this is part of the fear that is used to control others. Besides this website, I think this one is good: Why won't God heal amputees? It simply asks basic questions about "Is God real or imaginary?" Maybe you can use a computer in the public library instead of in your shared room. Maybe you can find an atheist group at the school or in town that can give you advice or access to other materials.

 

Once you have decided to leave, the other believers truly have no power over you but what you give them (unless you are financially dependent on them). You have an unenviable position where they can accuse you of mental illness for not believing (!), but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are starting to see through their lies and methods of controlling you. The fear will fade. Standing up for yourself might be a new thing, but you will get the hang of it the more you try it. It is deeply satisfying, especially when you realize that you aren't trying to do something wrong or bad, but something normal and good.

 

We'll be here to respond to your questions or just to listen. Welcome!

[Skeptic]

Basically I was born to two schizophrenics who were patients in a mental hospital. My parents could not take care of me, so I was given to my maternal grandmother.

 

Yikes. That sounds traumatic. My parents, especially my mother, are definitely mentally ill, and that in itself is traumatic, but being born to patients in a mental hospital would be decidedly more traumatic.

 

I was raised by her, and on the fundamentalist scale from 1 being Atheist to 10 being Fundamentalist, she's a solid 9.5, not the most extreme but up there.

 

This also sounds traumatic to me. My mentally ill parents were also fundies (LOL how convenient, right? The two seem to go hand-in-hand.) I don't mean to pry, but how fundie was she, exactly? Did she believe in demons and "spiritual warfare"? If that's the case, that in itself could be traumatic. My parents believe in that and my mom told me about how she could see and talk to demons when I was a little kid. It was pretty interesting, I'll tell you what.

 

I have the follower's personality and don't question much by nature, so I was a full on fundie. But there were a couple of things different about me. First was my childhood behavior. I would have extreme tantrums or meltdowns or whatever they were. Basically I had mental health issues as a child. I was labeled Emotionally Impaired and put in a Special Education class for part of the day. But I felt I didn't belong there, because I was not learning disabled. I was the opposite, I was exceptionally bright!!!

 

I identify with all of this except not questioning religion. I questioned god's existence at a very young age. I did have a lot of very violent tantrums as a kid, though, but I would only do that at home and not at school, so I didn't get put into a Special Ed classroom. I was actually very well-behaved at school, so much so that my parents were really puzzled as to why I behaved well at school but not at home. I'm not sure that the tantrums you had were a sign of any mental health issues, at least, not the ones that the school pinned on you. You were probably acting out because you were confused, you probably felt helpless to change the situation that you were in, and that was the one thing that you could control. It also made others take notice of you when you would have tantrums. That's probably the reason I did it, as well, when I was a kid, honestly. That's just my theory, though.

 

And from an early age I was drawn to science of all things. My grandma thankfully encouraged instead of discouraged me. But I did not believe all of science. I was taught Evolution was evil, and stuff like that, so that is what I believed, unquestioning.

 

I was also really into science from the time I was a kid on (still am, just not the kind of science I was into when I was a kid). Reading about dinosaur fossils that were 65 million years old was pretty confusing when you're being actively brainwashed to believe that the earth is around 10,000 years old. That started when I was around four years old, when I was into dinosaurs. I wanted to learn everything there was to know about dinosaurs and eventually be a paleontologist as an adult. Then it was animals, and with that came the dispute over creationism and evolution. In this respect, I did believe that creationism was true, and I think it's because evolution didn't make sense to me and because I was being told from practically everyone I knew that it was wrong, so I never really learned about evolution until I deconverted. It was taught to me in school, I just chose to ignore it, which was incredibly stupid.

 

We had to write a paper either supporting or against Noah's Flood. So I tried to support it. I tried to scientifically support it. So I desperately looked through the library, internet for good solid scientific evidence supporting the Flood. Nothing I could find was really good, but I wrote the paper anyway and got a bad grade. That is when I started rethinking things.

 

I experienced this kind of thing in a Humanities course that I took in high school. When I started out the year, I was a xian. By the end of the year, I didn't belong to any religious organization. My teacher was an atheist, and at the beginning of the year, much of what he said and believed didn't make much sense, but as I started to be able to think for myself, it started to. Lots of things fell into place after that when I finally decided that I couldn't be religiously unaffiliated. I took a break from it for about two years. My ultimate deconversion from being unaffiliated to being an atheist took about a week.

 

I'm now on the path to becoming an Ornithologist (bird scientist) but I am having issues. I thought for a while my mental health problems went away through the power of God, but I had a couple of psychotic breaks and I'm now on medication. It's a horrible secret to keep, and I question God would purposefully do that to somebody. I still am not told very well what my disorder really is, it's like someone (God lol) picked random symptoms from a mood disorder, a psychotic disorder, an autism spectrum disorder and mix them together in a blender, but not enough symptoms from each to qualify fully for any of them really.

 

Hmm. This is tricky. Has anyone ever evaluated you for PTSD? I'm guessing so, because you came from a background that would traumatize me, at the very least, but if not, I'd advise you to look into it. I don't really know *too* much of your background except for what you posted here. I thought I had Asperger Syndrome at one point, which is an ASD. I was self-diagnosed and then diagnosed by a psychologist at 16, and I was also diagnosed with social anxiety disorder by the same psychologist. I'm not so sure about that anymore, though. I think I'm more complicated than that. I get the whole keeping your mental issues a secret thing, though. I'm not on medication and I never have been, although people have told me that I should take anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants, but I don't think that's a good idea. I had a friend who was on Zoloft and she attempted suicide, and I was actually prescribed Zoloft at one point by a GP, but just taking the pills could be potentially triggering for me for that reason. I've gone through times, especially while I was in high school, where I've had nervous breakdowns but I've hidden it so well that barely anyone suspects that anything's wrong with me at all. Just one teacher and maybe the school nurse, because I was in there a few times because I was too anxious to be in class. But yeah, I know where you're coming from.

 

I am about to reject Christianity all together now, becoming more liberal over the years. But I feel brainwashed and stuff by everyone. I still fear Hell, I still fear the Rapture, I still fear what would happen if the believers of my family and my best friend found out, because I really don't want to be lectured by them. I can't stand up for myself very well and always loose arguments.

 

These are very normal fears. I went through these same fears as I was deconverting and I had even questioned god's existence from the time I was like four years old. I think everyone goes through this at some point in deconverting, especially if they still have people in their lives who are xians. What really helped me was reading stuff on this site, reading books and watching documentaries by atheists, and, ironically enough, reading the bible. If you haven't done so already, I would advise you to read the Old Testament, especially the stories that you might've been told the watered-down versions of as a kid, like the one in Exodus about the Jews escaping from the pharaoh. That story helped me to deconvert. Another one of my personal favorites is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. That one was a doozy.

 

I don't know what to do, any other good websites, I can't get books because they would be discovered.

 

You could download stuff on the Internet. Most of the documentaries that I saw I got off of the Internet. Here's a link that I've used quite a bit: http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/. It breaks down the bible and shows you the contradictions, violence, etc. by category. It's really useful if you ever start debating xians on the Internet or even for your own personal use.

 

I encourage you to keep reading and posting here. A lot of the people on this site are very helpful and they know a lot about the bible. Good luck to you.

[bird28]

I don't think I've been evaluated for PTSD except for those silly internet quizzes which actually claim I do. I considered Asperger's too, but from other people, I've been told everything from I'm clearly Aspergian to I am clearly not, even my therapist I saw for over a year wasn't sure. I barely get to talked to my psychologist. He thinks I'm Schizoaffective but is not sure. I mostly have mood symptoms and delusions FYI.

 

And yes, she believes in demons and spiritual warfare. Even my uncle, who doesn't go to church and stuff says demons bother him and stuff and breathe in his face and scare him (he might be mentally ill too). He also told his atheist brother he was going to hell. I remember in college my suitemate asked me if I believed her father went to hell because he didn't accept Jesus and I said "Yes" and she called me a horrible person and started to cry. I feel bad for saying that.

 

And I don't fear using the computer in my room, it's a laptop, I point the screen away from them, they don't pry. I don't have a car at this research station, so I can't go to the library, and I live in a small town anyway.

[Skeptic]

I don't think I've been evaluated for PTSD except for those silly internet quizzes which actually claim I do.

 

That's not surprising. Some of them actually aren't that silly; there's some truth to them. It doesn't replace getting an analysis by a professional, but I wouldn't dismiss those quiz results outright.

 

I considered Asperger's too, but from other people, I've been told everything from I'm clearly Aspergian to I am clearly not

 

Same here. My parents and other family members are convinced that I have AS, other people aren't so sure. Other people who have been told that I have it were pretty convinced, as well, like my Latin teacher. I was convinced at one point, now I'm not so sure, either.

 

even my therapist I saw for over a year wasn't sure.

 

Mine was sure. I had her pretty convinced that I had AS.

 

I barely get to talked to my psychologist. He thinks I'm Schizoaffective but is not sure. I mostly have mood symptoms and delusions FYI.

 

I'm looking over the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder and I could probably be misdiagnosed with this if I didn't compartmentalize information as well as I do with mental health professionals. This, especially, applies to me, but only when I'm depressed: "negative symptoms—e.g., affective flattening (lack or decline in emotional response), alogia (lack or decline in speech), avolition (lack or decline in motivation), anhedonia (lack or decline in ability to experience pleasure), social withdrawal (sometimes called social anhedonia). It should be noted that negative symptoms are different from symptoms of depression." The problem with this is that these can also be symptoms of trauma. I've looked at the symptoms of AS, as well, and I've done a lot of research on autism, and even those symptoms could be trauma-related. There are times, though, when I am the complete opposite of what I just quoted. Have you talked to your psychologist about your background at all? I didn't with the one I was with who diagnosed me with AS, which is probably why I got that dx.

 

And yes, she believes in demons and spiritual warfare. Even my uncle, who doesn't go to church and stuff says demons bother him and stuff and breathe in his face and scare him (he might be mentally ill too).

 

Wow. I understand this stuff, and yes, it's very traumatic. My mom told me once that she had a conversation with Satan. I was like five or six when she told me that. So I get where you're coming from with this, as well.

 

I would seriously look into PTSD if I were you. Ask your psychologist about it, and if he disagrees, then look around for one that deals with trauma, because I'm getting the feeling that you're being misdiagnosed. Again, I don't really know your situation very well, but that's just the feeling that I'm getting. Of course, I'm being hypocritical when I say this, because I haven't seen anyone about my own stuff (yet) and I've known that I had mostly all of the symptoms of PTSD for about 3 years now. I have contacted people about it, I just haven't exactly followed through yet. I would look it up on the Internet, though, at the very least, to see if the symptoms fit what you're experiencing. If you decide not to do that, that's fine, but that's just what I would do.

[bird28]

[quote name='Skeptic' date='Jun 7 2009, 04:36 PM' post='459270'

 

 

I'm looking over the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder and I could probably be misdiagnosed with this if I didn't compartmentalize information as well as I do with mental health professionals. This, especially, applies to me, but only when I'm depressed: "negative symptoms—e.g., affective flattening (lack or decline in emotional response), alogia (lack or decline in speech), avolition (lack or decline in motivation), anhedonia (lack or decline in ability to experience pleasure), social withdrawal (sometimes called social anhedonia). It should be noted that negative symptoms are different from symptoms of depression." The problem with this is that these can also be symptoms of trauma. I've looked at the symptoms of AS, as well, and I've done a lot of research on autism, and even those symptoms could be trauma-related. There are times, though, when I am the complete opposite of what I just quoted. Have you talked to your psychologist about your background at all? I didn't with the one I was with who diagnosed me with AS, which is probably why I got that dx.

 

 

What's interesting about me is I don't have negative symptoms at all. No flat effect, alogia, avolition, etc... except rarely when I am depressed. I for sure Rapid Cycle in emotions during some periods, elated then depressed then elated again within an hour sometimes! I also very rarely hallucinate and I don't hear voices, with me it's mostly mood and bizarre beliefs. It's probably some sort of abnormal bipolar. My mother did hear voices and she thought I was the child of Satan. She thought she was the woman in the stars in Revelations and she would have a boy child, she never did. I thought when I was psychotic I was an Angel sent in preparation of the end times. Actually it stems from my angel alter ego I created years ago for a comic book, my avatar is of her.

[bird28]

Is there anyway to edit posts? I messed up the quote in the last one.

[noob]

Welcome, bird28! I am amazed at your ability to be so clear-headed in spite of your background and upbringing!

 

I have always hated conflict and once I realized that I no longer believed in god, I dreaded actually telling anyone. But, I have to say, it becomes easier with every telling!!! And, maybe it’s because I am getting old, but I find I am spending a lot less time worrying about what others think and more time wondering what I need and want.

 

I wish you luck as you “kick the Christianity habit” and move on with your life. I think you will find that your mental health will improve in direct proportion to the distance you put between yourself and Christianity. And, I think that you will find this a good place for support and encouragement. I get more support from this site than I ever received from my previous church environment.

 

Good luck, and again, Welcome!!!

[Skeptic]

Is there anyway to edit posts? I messed up the quote in the last one.

 

I think you have to get a certain number of posts before you can edit posts.

[VacuumFlux]

Anyway, in college I began to learn real life. I joined a Christian group and made many Christian friends. But my major was Zoology and they didn't like it, and I took a Evolutionist vs. Creationism class out of curiosity. We had to write a paper either supporting or against Noah's Flood. So I tried to support it. I tried to scientifically support it. So I desperately looked through the library, internet for good solid scientific evidence supporting the Flood. Nothing I could find was really good, but I wrote the paper anyway and got a bad grade.

 

I had an experience (well, two related ones) like this. One of my early chem labs, studying stats, we were supposed to analyze ice core data and show man-made global warming. It was really simple plots, just meant to be an introduction to fitting lines to curves, really. But I had been taught that global warming is not real (and if it is, then it's not man-made). Despite having very clear plots, I wrote a paper that said "ok, so maybe there's global warming, but this doesn't prove it's man-made". A few years later I had to take a scientific writing course and chose to write a paper about ice cores because that earlier experience bothered me so much. I still considered myself a Christian, but had started to believe in evolution. I tried to find creationist viewpoints, but only found one site on the internet and it wasn't even a full journal article. So I hacked together my report as best I could, despite my brain screaming at me that that wasn't what I was supposed to believe, and my parents believing that I was writing a paper refuting them (or they just didn't get what ice cores were all about, i'm not sure). Somehow I managed to eke out an A- on that one, and the professor even offered to let me work on it more over break to get it up to a full A. I turned down the offer because I was too burnt out on the emotional fight I'd gone through to get that far.

[ShallowByThyGame]

If you need to read and are afraid to do so and be seen, consider going to a library or bookstore where noone will know you. Also if you have a laptop you can do that and look at atheist sites and videos without worrying about the over-the-shoulder discovery.

 

Just for you I'll list some sites from my 'daily cycle' of atheism, apart from this one. Obviously there are many more but it all depends on your free time and what types of sites you like.

 

http://unreasonablefaith.com/

http://friendlyatheist.com/

http://skepchick.org/blog/

http://zackfordblogs.com/

http://redheadedskeptic.com/

http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/blog/

http://godlessgrrl.blogspot.com/

http://www.thinkatheist.com/

 

--youtube channels

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=18F3E3E281A13918

http://www.youtube.com/user/Best0fScience

http://www.youtube.com/user/FFreeThinker

http://www.youtube.com/user/ProfMTH

http://www.youtube.com/user/potholer54

http://www.youtube.com/user/patcondell

[Guest Kelvina]

Hi Bird,

 

I'm also new here, and I'm replying because a lot of what you had to say sounds like what I went through. I too used to attend Assemblies of God. I also tried feebly defending young earth creationism in a science class. I also had a parent who couldn't decide whether Halloween was good or evil.

 

It takes a while to deprogram yourself. It took years before I could honestly say I was unafraid of hell and the rapture coming and me being "left behind." They really do a good job of manipulating the flock through fear.

 

But the one thing that helped me overcome these fears was this thought... if the rapture did come, and all the true believers were swept up, then only the sane people would be left! The more I thought about it, the more crazy it seemed. It became no more than a troll under the bridge or a ghost in the dark--a made up story to scare little children.

 

I wish you the best of luck.