Guest Zoe Grace Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Ok challenge...write a short scene of REALLY REALLY bad erotica...can be fanfic...any pairings...or original characters. you MUST include the following bit of dialogue: "Oh God, Oh God, I want to slurp your prostate juice through your big hard manmeat straw." GO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 My Really Horrible, Terrible, Awful Badfic Disclaimers: I don't own any of these characters, except the Sue. Feel free to torture her all you want to. * * * * * The twin suns of Tatooine slowly sank past the horizon, casting their dull orange light across the vast sandy desert. Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash of light and two men appeared. One of them was tall, well built, and bald. He wore a Starfleet uniform from Star Trek: The Next Generation (before the movies). The other was incredibly handsome. *Very* handsome, or so he thought. His name was Q. He was an omnipotent being. In his human form, he was average height with brown hair. He wore Bermuda shorts and a red Hawaiian shirt with multi-colored flowers, and he had a digital camera on a strap around his neck. He also wore neon green sunglasses and carried a bottle of sun block. “Q,” Jean-Luc Picard protested, “where are we? I demand you take me back to my ship NOW!” “Au contraire, mon Capitan,” Q replied. “We are on the longest stretch of beach in the universe, otherwise known as Tatooine.” “Tatooine? What star system is that in?” Picard asked. “Not in any one you’ve heard of,” Q answered. He snapped his fingers and an oasis appeared, complete with palm trees, a pool of shiny turquoise water, and beach blankets. One of them was yellow and had the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on it, and the other was blue and had a picture of C3P0 and R2D2. “You’ve earned yourself a vacation, mi amigo,” Q said. “I don’t want a bloody vacation, Q,” Picard fumed. “Take me back to my ship!” “Temper, temper,” Q advised. “Better watch your blood pressure.” Q hopped onto the Star Wars beach towel, stretched out, and began putting the sun block on himself. Not that there was any logical reason an immortal energy being in human form needed sun block. He just thought it was cool. Realizing that he was going to get nowhere until he complied with Q’s demands, Picard laid on the other towel. He frowned as he looked at his omnipotent companion. “All right, I’m relaxed. Now will you let me go home?” Q pouted. “Well, you see, Picard, I was hoping you’d stay for a while.” He offered Picard the sun block. “I think you need a massage.” “I don’t need a bloody massage, Q. I just want to go home!’ “Jean-Luc, you sound like a broken record. ‘I want to go home, I want to go home.’ Clicking your heels together and repeating it will not take you there, so just relax, will you?” Inwardly, Q fumed. You see, he had secretly been wanting to get Picard alone for some time. Why hadn’t he? Well, um… The magical Mary Sue fanfic fairy popped in and waved her magical wand, creating a convenient distraction. “Q, I haven’t seen you in ages! What are you doing here? Oh, Picard. You are ever so handsome, as always.” Mary Sue batted her eyelashes at him. Picard blushed. “Why thank you, Mary Sue,” the captain replied. Annoyed, Q snapped his fingers and sent Mary Sue to Professor Snape’s dungeon in the Harry Potter series, where she could torture him instead. “Now, where was I…oh, yes, Picard…” Q snapped his fingers and a violinist appeared, playing beautiful music. By now, the Tatooine twilight was just beginning to spread like thick peanut butter on a sandwich, and melting across the sky like really hot cheese on nachos. “Oh, Picard, the Mary Sue was annoying but right. You are so handsome and I cannot live without you.” “What?” Picard sat bolt upright, but Q held up his hand to stop him. “Oh God, Oh God, I want to slurp your prostate juice through your big hard manmeat straw." Suddenly, Luke Skywalker and the droids ambled down the nearest sand dune, where they had been waiting just for this inopportune moment. “I sense a disturbance in the Force,” Luke said to no-one in particular. “Oh, Master Luke! Whatever could it be? Ooh, I hope it’s not that evil emperor again.” “Threepio, we defeated him. Don’t you remember?” “Sorry, Master Luke. I just haven’t been the same after the last Star Wars prequel. My memory got wiped, you know.” Artoo chirped in response. “Q! Enough of this nonsense! Send me home, please,” Picard demanded. “Oh, all right. But don’t say you never went on vacation,” Q grumbled and snapped his fingers. The End Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trashy Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 GW: Condi! Come on in. Here, take a seat on the couch. Condi: Thank you, Mr. President GW: Now, what was it that you needed to see me about on such short notice? Condi: Well, it's that picture you sent me, you know - the one with you in that flight suit? GW: Oh yeah, I love that shot. Me next to that big ol' war plane and all.... Condi: It's just that, well, I can't stop staring at it! I......I'm afraid I've become a bit obsessed with you sir. The flight suit, the big...........helmet........... GW: Golly, Condi! I didn't see that one coming! I mean, I'm flattered and all, but.... Condi: Oh God, Oh God, I want to slurp your prostate juice through your big hard manmeat straw Georgie! GW: Well, it IS secretary week! Oh............OH............OH CONDI! I..........I..........................look out, I'm goin' NUKULAR! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 ROTFLMAO, Trashy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedPillAddict Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 JESUS: "Oh God, Oh God, I want to slurp your prostate juice through your big hard manmeat straw, Satan!" GOD: What the?! Get him the hell out of here! SATAN:We are in love, God. You werent complaining last night when I was sucki....ahhhhhh(Satan falls to Hell). GOD: whew...that one almost got out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willybilly30 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Mary was sitting home alone one day. God appeared. God: Mary you are the sexiest woman I created how about I bless you with a child. Mary: im married wont that break the law. God: im god I am the law I do not have to follow it only my followers obey my law. Mary: Very well then, bless me with a child. God: what size do you want look I can make my pecker big as a tree! Mary: my little pussy would not be able to take that. God: ok how about 2 feet long. Mary: Oh God, Oh God, I want to slurp your prostate juice through your big hard man meat straw, God: go ahead GOD: Now that you have moistened it, lay down and spread it Mary: oh God Oh God Mary: oh no my husband Joseph will be home soon. What will I say about being with child. God: say I blessed you with it. God leaves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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