Coming Out Of The Christian Closet And The Gay Closet

[Googledotman]

For anyone who has experience in this forum, when you came out of the closet with your sexuality, was it anything like coming out of the closet with your lack of faith?

 

When I came out the closet sexually, my mom freaked out and denies it. When I came out religiously, she freaked out and denies it. When I came out in school, people really didn't seem to care, and some seemed to already know. When I came out the religious closet in school, a lot of people royally freaked out and tried to change me.

 

What about you guys?

[Seeker630]

For anyone who has experience in this forum, when you came out of the closet with your sexuality, was it anything like coming out of the closet with your lack of faith?

 

When I came out the closet sexually, my mom freaked out and denies it. When I came out religiously, she freaked out and denies it. When I came out in school, people really didn't seem to care, and some seemed to already know. When I came out the religious closet in school, a lot of people royally freaked out and tried to change me.

 

What about you guys?

 

You need to look up our Ameen-----he is gay and atheist, brought up a Muslim. Check him out.

[Ameen]

For anyone who has experience in this forum, when you came out of the closet with your sexuality, was it anything like coming out of the closet with your lack of faith?

 

When I came out the closet sexually, my mom freaked out and denies it. When I came out religiously, she freaked out and denies it. When I came out in school, people really didn't seem to care, and some seemed to already know. When I came out the religious closet in school, a lot of people royally freaked out and tried to change me.

 

What about you guys?

 

You need to look up our Ameen-----he is gay and atheist, brought up a Muslim. Check him out.

 

Hi there. Ameen here. Gay, atheist, and Arab-American, yes... But I am an ex-Fundamentalist Christian, not an ex-Muslim. I do have Muslim friends, though. (Thinking I am Muslim or ex-Muslim is a mistake many make. No worries. )

 

But yes, I lost friends both for coming out as gay and for coming out as atheist. I have yet to decide which was the harder thing to come out as.

 

I have also had people leave me because of my OCD before I was diagnosed and treated since there are those who say that OCD does not exist and is all in my mind. Yet, if I use the argument that their vengeful God does not exist and is all in their mind, they flip out...

 

What else? I am a northeast liberal who teaches in a university, so I'm going to hell. Wait, I don't believe in hell...

 

And I voted for Obama! So I'm going to hell even if it doesn't exist...

 

I'm lucky that my parents, sister, and a Christian friend I grew up with are all O.K. with my sexual orientation and lack of religious belief. (They are all liberal Christians now.) Too many others, including people in my family, want nothing more to do with me. My best friend (since 1992, I might add) is a fellow gay atheist and a former Catholic. Another friend I am getting close to is a gay atheist of Jewish descent who had only ever minimally practiced his religion.

 

And finally, because life is weird, my bisexual half-uncle is a practicing Arab Christian whose same-sex lover is a practicing Arab Muslim. Naturally, since they live in an Arab country where homosexuality is illegal, they keep a low profile unless the curtains are drawn.

 

Is there anything else I can share? ;)

 

Hang in there, Googledotman. It does get better once you've taken the brave steps you have.

[florduh]

With the right motivation people can shun or hate you for anything. Some hate/fear gays more than they do atheists, and some hate atheists more. Some hate both equally (I'm thinking fundy).

 

I think "coming out" as anything that a large proportion of people hate/fear would be a similar experience in all cases.

[sarahgrace]

Hmm, for me, I dunno... for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I still find it easier to say "I'm queer" than to say "I'm an atheist." I think my Christian friends took it better when I told them I had a girlfriend than when I told them I no longer believe in God.

 

It's funny, too, because I came to terms with my unbelief a long while before I came to terms with my sexuality, which I am still sort of figuring out.

 

Eh, I'm complicated.

[Skeptic]

For me, it's the opposite. I'm much more comfortable coming out as an atheist than I am with coming out as bisexual. I accepted the fact that I'm an atheist much more readily than the fact that I'm bisexual, though, and I didn't really repress my doubt in god's existence, so it's not that surprising. I haven't had a problem with coming out as either with anyone yet, but I do so selectively. I talked to my ex once about bisexuality when I was kind of wondering if I was or not, though, and he acted kind of strangely about it. I asked him some question that I can't remember off the top of my head and he said, "Eww, you're not bisexual, are you?" and I said, "No! Of course not!" Then he said something about how most bisexual women aren't really bisexual; they're just doing it to get attention from guys. Ugh. Such stupidity. But yeah, that's the worst reaction that I've ever gotten when coming out either as an atheist or as a bisexual.

[Seeker630]

Hi there. Ameen here. Gay, atheist, and Arab-American, yes... But I am an ex-Fundamentalist Christian, not an ex-Muslim. I do have Muslim friends, though. (Thinking I am Muslim or ex-Muslim is a mistake many make. No worries. )

 

Sorry Ameen. My mistake.

[I Broke Free]

For anyone who has experience in this forum, when you came out of the closet with your sexuality, was it anything like coming out of the closet with your lack of faith?

 

When I came out the closet sexually, my mom freaked out and denies it. When I came out religiously, she freaked out and denies it. When I came out in school, people really didn't seem to care, and some seemed to already know. When I came out the religious closet in school, a lot of people royally freaked out and tried to change me.

 

What about you guys?

 

I came out as gay to my parents at the age of 19 (1979) and yes they both freaked out. However my parents were only nominally Christian and the religious repercussions of acknowledging I was gay was never discussed nor a concern of theirs. They both eventually came around to accept the situation. My dear late father actually went further than my mother with his acceptance and you could even say embraced my gay life and my life-partner before he died a few years ago.

 

I never officially told my mother I was atheist. Even though she never practiced Christianity she did have some sense that belief was important. She did believe there was going to be an afterlife, and while she never went into the specifics, it was clear that claiming belief in Jesus was somehow important. Since she rarely brought up religion, it was easy to avoid the subject. After my mother died my father lived another five years and we talked about faith and my life as a gay man all the time. We both enjoyed these last years of his life for it was the first time we held back nothing in our conversations. I leaned he was no more a believer than I was, and I think his lack of faith was instrumental in helping him reach out and accept me and my life for what it was.

 

It’s hard to say which revelation (gay or atheist) is easier today. I can’t recall telling some “I’m gay” in over twenty years. I live my life so openly and refer to my partner with no more concern than any heterosexual would. All my adult life has been spent in San Francisco and New England which makes acknowledging ones lack of faith quite easy. I am surrounded by people at work who openly mock religion and the people who take it too seriously. I guess I could say that acknowledging my sexual orientation and my lack faith are both equally easy.

 

If I were to make a comparison to coming out as gay for the first time, I would say “smoking” is it today. I have a much harder time coming out as smoker than I do about my sexuality or my lack of faith. “Do I hide my smoking? Do I just come out and let everyone know I smoke on the first day of work? Will there be repercussions to my career?” These are much more of concern for me now than having my boss find out I am gay.

 

IBF

[godlessgrrl]

I have a far easier time admitting openly that I'm atheist or feminist than I do admitting that I'm polyamorous.

 

Damn near everybody I know already knows both of the former, or can figure it out within a few minutes of talking to me if they don't already know. The latter, well... a few of my friends know, plus I've been open about it here... but I can only imagine the shitstorm that would occur if my family or coworkers ever found out. Especially family.

 

Maybe nothing would happen and I'm just being paranoid. On the other hand I get the general sense that a lack of belief in god is more palatable to most than the idea that I have more than one romantic partner openly.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Most folks that I know are aware of my non-churchiness. Now that Beastie is in high school, most kids around him are nominally religious, things are more fun than before he hit "adult size".

 

People around my life tend to leave me the fuck alone with religious crap..

 

On sexuality? Tough; we are a trioka with another woman, poly, bi, and enjoying every minute of our adultness. People who know us have met a nominally *normal* couple who have habits and preferences we simply do not air out in public.

 

There has been talk, rumors, "tell a friend telegraph", gossip. None sticks. We simply ignore the bullshit.

 

I'm tired of the political setup of "sex". If you are "bi" you aren't queer enough. If you are "bi" you are too queer for the "norms".

If you simply live and elect to enjoy sex with your chosen partner(s) and do not advertise your preferences, you are "wise".

 

This mean_old_man sleeps with whom he wants (safely), and wakes up with same people who want to spend night(s).

 

Discretion, trust, and people adult enough to STFU about what happens behind closed doors makes for a non-issue of "what_are_you?".

 

kFL

[Snakefoot]

Although I am not gay, I can easily see the parallel with "coming out" as a homosexual--the social ostracization, the stigma, the whispered, "he's gay/an atheist." I remember all too well the "he's an atheist" whispers by my parents about a neighbor. I thought he was a great guy, but picked up from my parents that I should not like him, although I did no know why.

 

Ignorance has been the ruin of many good people, and shall continue to be until we figure out how to eradicate it.

 

Meanwhile, those of us who are "different" have our own society, secret or otherwise.

[Guest ephymeris]

I'm living the closeted dilemma as a bisexual atheist but I think the inability to tell my family I'm an atheist is what bothers me most because it is the most pressing. I would never talk about bisexuality with my parents because I've never had a desire to talk about heterosexuality with them. My mom made it abundantly clear that the "idea of (me) having sex makes (her) sick" and I don't talk to my dad about anything but baseball or my fuck-up brother so that convo would never happen in the first place. However, my husband and I are trying to have a kid and I know how I want to raise that kid and I'm not going to concede to exposing my kid to any of their damaging, ridiculous religious bullshit so the "I'm an atheist" convo is inevitable. It will be up to my parents as to whether they will respect my wishes and get to have a relationship with their only legitimate grandchild or they can push it and stay away. I don't have a problem telling friends or coworkers that I'm an atheist. I don't usually bring it up because I don't think talking religion (or lack thereof) in the workplace is necessary but I'm not in hiding either.

 

My close friends and (obviously) our lovers know I'm bisexual and that my husband and I have a more liberal definition of marriage. I don't share the intricacies of this with more distant friends and I would never even hint of these things to coworkers or family. My biggest fear is the perception that I'm immoral, simultaneously too gay and not gay enough, or (most importantly) that I do not love my husband moreso than peoples "ick factor" regarding homosexuality. I know how we live isn't wrong but I hide it mostly because I also feel my intimate relationships (hetero, homo, whatever!) aren't anyone else's business. To me, these details aren't something I want to discuss (even if I was uber-vanilla) with family or coworkers!

 

 

*edited to fix mis-matched verb tenses :/ stupid grammer!

[BlueGiant]

For me, it's been sexuality that's been tougher, mostly because it doesn't show, in addition to being married now (I'm bi, and the wife and I have had some entertaining conversations about certain men...). Just never found a good way to bring it up, and, really, there was no reason to set off a drama-bomb.

 

My disdain for my former religion is fairly well known, though. The only hard thing about my current views is explaining them. They get a bit complicated.