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Goodbye Jesus

A Fly on the wall at the Plan of Salvation:

Guest Dragonblade

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Guest Dragonblade

A Fly on the wall at the Plan of Salvation:


"I'd like to thank all of you for coming this evening and morning."


whispers among the attendees "yeah, like we had a choice."


"Something has been bothering Me lately."


a hand goes up in the audience "Does this have anything to do with Your new pet, the thing you call Adam, having sex with that sheep?"


"No, I'm not pissed about that anymore. Heck, I've even had a few of the sheep myself."


adjusting Himself in His robe


gasps from the angels


"Oh shut up. Any of you would have done the same thing if I'd given any of you a dick. So don't get self-rightous with Me. No, I don't think that will be a problem anymore since I've created someone just for him. I took her on a test drive before I awaked him and I think he'll be quite pleased."


another hand goes up "But won't he be upset that he isn't her first?"


"Well, if you blabbermouths will stay quiet he'll never know."


nods and grins in the audience


"What's on my mind is this sin thing I'm going to invent. This is some major cacca we're talking here. And it's so terrible and so irrational and the price for it is so high that I've decided to sacrifice My Son to pay for it."


Jesus' eyes get as big as saucers "Uh, Dad, could we talk for a moment?"


"Excuse Us for a minute everyone. My Boy wants to talk to me."


They go into another room and close the door


"Dad, this sounds like a bad plan."

"Listen Son, I've lost the soul of Adam to Lucifer in a crap shoot. And I've painted Myself into a corner with all these rules and regulations I've set up and this is the only way I can buy him back."

"But couldn't You just have some sort of contest or something? Maybe a pissing match?"

"Nope, not going to happen."

"Does that decision have anything to do with the rumor that Lucifer is packing more than You?"

"Lies! Outright lies I say! He's a dirty liar!"

"But Dad I don't want to go get nailed to a tree for something You did. I've seen several of those crucifixions and it doesn't look like a good time."

"Yes, I know you've been sneaking out at night and watching them. I've got the popcorn bills to prove it. You know You should really get a part time job and learn to stand on Your own two feet."


a knock on the door


"Come in H.G."


smoke flows underneath the door into the room


"I hate to be a party pooper You two, but I just thought I'd bring to Your attention that in the book I'm going to write someday, I'm going to say in Revelation 13:8 'And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.' So You're getting the cart before the horse here."

"Just a technicality H.G."


Jesus' jaw drops open


"Dad, You mean You expect me to pay for a crime I had nothing to do with that hasn't even happened yet?"

"That's right Son. You see, Lucifer won't be expecting a stunt like this. I've got him now by thunder! Heck, nobody in their right mind would see it coming."

"Dad, it's common knowledge that You're bipolar. Have You missed any of Your medication? Besides, what's this business about Me being a Lamb?"

"Well Son, I've meant to tell You about that. Too much sacramental wine one night and next thing I know Your ol' Dad here is shagging a ewe."

"You were shagging a Jew?"

"You're getting ahead of my Plan here Son. Let's go back to the meeting and I'll tell everone about it. Oh, by the way H.G., if this thing backfires I want You to write in Your book that it was that no account lying snake's fault."


God talks to Himself

"What a trouble maker he was."


Got it, H.G.?"

"No problem Big G. I wrote the book, remember?"


the room grows quiet as the Three enter


"Alrighty everyone. My Son has volunteered for a really big project I've got lined up. He's going to be born of a young Jewish virgin to pay for a crime that's going to be commited someday against Me. He's going to be murdered in the most horrific way only I in My infinite wisdom could dream up to pay for said crime. After He's been dead for three days, then I'm going to let Him come home."


the stunned silence suddenly explodes into uproarious laughter


a hand goes up "Sir, do you seriously think anyone is going to believe all this?"


God lifts a finger and the angel turns into a duck-billed platapus


the room turns graveyard quiet


"Send it down to live with that lying snake. Now, are there any more questions?"


all in the room sit petrified


Jesus tugs on God's sleeve. God leans down.


"Dad, how can I be born of a virgin? And won't that hurt a lot?"

"Naw Son, You won't feel a thing."

"No Dad, I mean won't it hurt the girl if she's a virgin?"

"Who cares My Boy?! Haven't You learned by now that suffering is the coin of this realm? Doesn't everything I do require a lot of pain?"


whispering to Himself

"Jesus, what's a parent to do?"


"Don't be concerned about the girl, Son. I've had her many nights while she was sleeping. Ohhh, what a screamer she is; sounds like a jackal with its tail caught in a trap. And just think, since I used my magic dick on her, she's still a virgin. You will get to pop her cherry from the inside out! You lucky bastard!"


God turns back to the audience


"Thanks again everyone for coming. We've got a lot of work to do."




author Dragonblade's note: Special thanks to Beelzebub for his eyewitness account

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