Nighttime Tea & Dad's Dissapointment

[Yrth]

Came home from a weekend with my fiance (we're getting married next Sunday) to enjoy nighttime tea with my Dad. After talking about nothing, I interrupted the flow and asked, "Hey. Are you happy for me? That I'm getting married?" Eyebrows raised in intentional surprise (I know), he said that yes, of course he was happy. I said well, are you sure? Because you looked so sad when I told you our officiant is a local JP. He said well, of course I'm sad that you're wedding is not Christ centered like I always imagined it would be, it's natural for me to be sad about something like that. Is replied with oh, well can you explain what you meant before about you being happy for me getting married? He said people have mixed feelings, son. You know I think you're headed down a destructive path and that you'll eventually answer for your beliefs and your role in the beliefs of B-----.

 

I didn't really have anything to say after that. I wanted to tell him the ceremony was only 30 minutes, so he wouldn't have to pretend to be happy for too long, but that I didn't know how he was going to handle being my dad for the rest of his life. I managed not to say any of that because my little sister came home, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about our conversation since. My mom doesn't seem to have any trouble being absolutely thrilled about my wedding, and neither does anyone else in my family. I suppose I have an expectation that my dad will be happy for me when I get married, and it bothers me that he is going to be permenently dissapointed in me, the life I'm attempting to build, the kids I'll try to raise.. In the grand scheme of unfairness, I know my bother is very low on the list, but its a big deal to me.

 

I want to ask why he can't just get over it for one second and realize that his son is starting something huge, but I haven't because I think I know what the answer would be. Something about how nothing else matters but Christ, or how nothing is really going to work out well without Christ, so in lieu of that how could he get over it even if he tried.

 

Fuck me, I wish I was living with B----- already. Caring about someone else creates an opporunity to get burned, and I am learning that I am getting burned by my dad's attitude and that I don't know what if anything I can do about it.

[OpheliaGinger]

Does your dad think your fiance is of questionable character, or is it because it is not going to be a "good Christian" marriage?

[I Broke Free]

Many Christians seem to think they have a monopoly on disappointment with non-Christian family members and can’t fathom the idea that the feeling may be mutual. I can understand why they may feel like that, so few unbelievers ever express their disappointment with Christian family members. In this case pockets asked his father how he felt about his marriage, so his father was under no obligation to hold his tongue, but if your father ever feels the need in the future to express his disappointment on his own accord then I would suggest letting him know that he is not alone.

[Guest Davka]

I suppose I have an expectation that my dad will be happy for me when I get married, and it bothers me that he is going to be permenently dissapointed in me, the life I'm attempting to build, the kids I'll try to raise..

 

Just a word of encouragement: it will not necessarily be permanent. Dads grow and change too, you know.

 

Especially when those first grandkids come along.

[Deva]

I am sorry to hear it, Pockets. Parental disapproval has been a huge issue in my life. One can only hope people will change, but with true die hard fundys - I have not seen any real life examples.

 

I Broke Free is right, disapproval is a two way street. I have not gone there myself yet, but feel the time is coming soon.

 

I want to ask why he can't just get over it for one second and realize that his son is starting something huge, but I haven't because I think I know what the answer would be. Something about how nothing else matters but Christ, or how nothing is really going to work out well without Christ, so in lieu of that how could he get over it even if he tried.

 

Exactly right. How could he get over it? Indeed, depending on how rigid his belief, Christians must think that if you are not a believer, there will always be something seriously wrong with you. Believe me, this is a huge issue.

[Loren]

First, I want to congratulate you on your wedding. Congratulations!!! Damn straight! May your family be happy, loving and full of joy in each other!

 

In the grand scheme of unfairness, I know my bother is very low on the list, but its a big deal to me.

If, by, "In the grand scheme of unfairness, ... my bother is very low on the list...," you mean compared to things such as, "At some point, the sun will explode, extinguishing all life on Earth," then, yes, we could say it's low on the list. But for something in your own life, I see it as rightly high on the list and completely just. Please don't feel, even a little bit, that you're being somehow unreasonable in feeling disappointed in your dad. You're not.

 

It's very sad that he's been so hijacked by the mind-virus that he's allowed it to contaminate not just himself, but the joy the rest of you have every right to be feeling right now. Even if you had not asked his opinion and he'd kept it to himself, I'm sure you would still be very aware of it. Like a spiderweb on your cheek that you can't find, but sure can feel.

 

I hate Christianity. I loath and detest it with all my being.

[decafaholic]

Congratulations on finding your soul mate!

 

I remember the first time post-deconversion that I knew I disappointed my parents. It was because I started a Gay-Straight Alliance at college. I took it hard. My parents and I have always gotten along pretty well, and since I was so used to being the "good Christian child that everyone wanted", it was a shock when I disappointed them.

 

Well, good for you for not caving in and doing the religious ceremony! The 1 Corinthians 13, Garden of Eden speech gets old fast.

 

There's really nothing you can do to "fix" the situation. Your dad is eventually going to have to get over it. And I think he will sooner than you think.

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

Congratulations on getting married! I wish you a long happy life and good luck!

I very much understand what you are going through with your dad's disappointment in your marriage. I got married (after having my first child) by a handfasting that we officiated ourselves. There were no ordained religious figures present, or state officials. My dad didn't like it at all, didn't smile the entire time (not even for pictures), didn't congratulate me. He could barely stand watching the pagan ceremony take place, so in part I am just glad he was there at all. But it did put a bit of sourness in my wedding day that I feel he should have at least pretended to subdue for my sake. My mom handled it well, though her family did not attend and denied that it was a legal wedding (despite the fact that it was). Eventually we had a 'christian' ceremony to make them happy, also to actually get presents and some semblance of support from my family. My husband's family was always very supportive, but is much smaller. There is always a mix of reactions when you decide to get married but not for religious reasons. But the eventual grandchildren will soften them up - trust me on this one. My dad still isn't happy with the way I am 'turning out' but can't really complain since we are obviously a happy, intelligent and loving family despite not being "christ centered."

 

I hope your special day is filled with joy and just remember that your dad loves you. While he might have his own ideas of what would make your life better, in the end I am sure he will stand by your decisions.

[chefranden]

Trying to see your dad's point of view may take the edge off of happiness, so ignore it for a while.

 

 

But later, like when you have your first baby, you might want to contemplate the plight of parent when his/her child is faced with danger. It doesn't really matter if the danger is real or imagined to be real. The mind can't tell the difference. The same sick feelings appear in the gut. As far as he knows you are base jumping without a parachute.

 

My friend's son was hurt in an ATV accident over the 4th. John was 50 miles away at the time and got a confused message from friends on the scene with a cell phone, something about the boys being evacuated via a Life Flight.

You might be able to imagine his fear and agony as he rushed to the scene. Turned out that the kid got some scraps, a cut that needed a few stitches, and badly bruised foot. The kid was essentially all right, but for a couple of hours John didn't know that.

[ShallowByThyGame]

I had a secular wedding, so I give some thoughts...

 

I had avoided the issue with my father, hoping he would take my silence as a 'you're not planning this, stay away' notice, but on the day before the wedding he approached my fiance and I: 'would it be alright if I gave a blessing?' I became frozen in an anxiety attack, the two sides of my being crashing into one another. My desire to please daddy against my proud and my confident rejection of religion. My wife saved me by answering, with a shake of her head, and my dad left upset. I wish I could explain to him how all religions are false and that this is a good thing for the future of manking, but he will probably never want to hear it.

 

Nevertheless, I am very pleased my wedding did not involve scripture or any worshiping of that horrible Yahweh.

 

I know I am a good person, maybe even better than my Dad, and I take that as a testament to both of us. He taught me to think, and even if he didn't like what I did with my intellect, I know that by embracing who I am I honor him and the time he spent caring for me regardless. Our relationship was not solely based on religion, so we can still relate in other areas of life, and he can at least be confident that I'll remain a loyal Red Sox fan. And really, what sort of man wants to be exactly like his father? Surely we want to stand on their shoulders, and not simply follow their footsteps exactly.

 

So it may be that Dad will always yearn for me to go back to the Church and be everything he wants me to be, instead of what I am, but there is still a part of him that is not controlled by religion, and that part I know wants me to be happy no matter what, even if he'll never get to pray with me again.

 

Part of becoming a man is disappointing your father, because so long as you move through your life so that he approves of you, then you are the same as when you were a boy.

[PaulQ]

I'd minimize the issue by pointing out several "Traditional" religious marriages close to both of you that had ended in divorce (not too difficult to find these days), and simply state you don't want to end up like those people.