I'm Moving To Boston (Attending Bc), How Do I Deal With My Mother Insisting I Attend A Church?

[sethosayher]

So I'm transferring to Boston College in the fall. My mother knows that I'm an atheist (though it's always an extremely difficult topic to bring up) but she insists I find and regularly attend a Pentecostal church while I live in Boston. This is a woman that will not listen to reason nor accommodate my irreligion. I suppose I could just flat out lie...I just wonder if I could sustain it for several semesters. Plus I'd feel bad about repeatedly telling her untruths...but I guess attending a service of a religion I don't believe in (against my wishes) is as much an injustice.

[Vixentrox]

Why go? If you are an adult she can insist all she wants but she can't make you. Will it cause tension? Probably but it's better to be true to yourself and not live a lie.

[Guest Marty]

So I'm transferring to Boston College in the fall. My mother knows that I'm an atheist (though it's always an extremely difficult topic to bring up) but she insists I find and regularly attend a Pentecostal church while I live in Boston. This is a woman that will not listen to reason nor accommodate my irreligion. I suppose I could just flat out lie...I just wonder if I could sustain it for several semesters. Plus I'd feel bad about repeatedly telling her untruths...but I guess attending a service of a religion I don't believe in (against my wishes) is as much an injustice.

 

Remind her you are your own person and will do what you feel is right for yourself. If she doesn't get it, start insisting she do something she doesn't like every week, like watch Survivor or something, just to see if she'll get the irony.

 

Do not lie to her and say you are going, because then she will expect you to attend with her during xmas and easter, etc.

 

Instead, ask her if she believes in the power of prayer. When she says yes, she does, tell her to pray for you to go to church, but you want to hear nothing about it from her again. If her god is real, you will magically begin to attend church again.

[hereticzero]

You are at least 18? Living on your own. Do what you want to do.

[ShallowByThyGame]

Unless you need her financial support, tell her to drop the subject. Helicopter parenting needs to end after high school. I once unplugged my phone in college to make a point to my parents to let me live my life. Tell her to mind her own business.

 

If you do need her financial support, then you'll need to be more diplomatic, and possibly lie a little. Or you could also be brave and risk her disconnection, and take on whatever debts you then incur in the name of personal freedom. But I wouldn't go to a church no matter what, it's a completely ludicrous demand for her to make, even if you did believe.

 

Boston is a great city, I love it when I'm there. Hopefully you will find the liberal atmosphere comforting.

[Guest Davka]

Your mother has no right whatsoever to demand that you attend church. However, if she is footing your bills then she does have the right to attach strings. If the string she attaches is church attendance, you need to decide how badly you want her money, and if you're willing to play her game to get it.

 

But the choice is ultimately yours. If you decide to play along for the money, I'd make it clear that you are doing so under protest. Then sit and study in church every week, wearing earbuds to drown out the preacher.

[godlessgrrl]

Why can't you just tell her no, you're not going? Period, end of discussion, don't even get involved in an argument about it, don't offer any justifications or reasons or excuses - just "No, I will not be attending church. Discussion over."

 

Is there some mitigating circumstance that will make such difficult? Are you going to be living with her, for instance? Financially dependent on her? She'll cut you off from the rest of the family if you don't do what she wants?

 

Sometimes conditions like that do arise and it takes some consideration to figure out how best to handle the situation. But if you're an adult, will be living on your own, will not depend on your mother for money, and won't lose family or friends or anything like that, what, if anything, blocks you from just saying NO?

[mwc]

I would "Just say no."

 

If this is some sort of condition to school money then you could try to show how this action is going to hurt your education and it's not going to get you back into church. Lose-lose. If that doesn't work then you'll have to come up with the cash on your own with financial aid, a job, etc..

 

mwc

[Wendybabe]

Go to one of the oldest churches in Boston, The Unitarian Church! It has lots of Atheists!

[Redbeard]

In no way should you even consider going, ESPECIALLY to some nutbag Pentecostal shit hole. The fact that she knows you're an atheist and keeps pushing the subject is completely disrespectful. This could be the prime opportunity to show her that you're your own man now.

[sethosayher]

Yes, I'm financially dependent on her. When I expressed the possibility of not attending Church, she threatened to call my student loan company and withdraw her application as a cosigner. Yes, she's crazy.

 

I love my mom a lot, and we generally get along. Beyond the loss of financial support, not being able to see my mother would really break my heart.

 

I suppose I'll just have to lie.

[Guest Marty]

Yes, I'm financially dependent on her. When I expressed the possibility of not attending Church, she threatened to call my student loan company and withdraw her application as a cosigner. Yes, she's crazy.

 

I love my mom a lot, and we generally get along. Beyond the loss of financial support, not being able to see my mother would really break my heart.

 

I suppose I'll just have to lie.

 

Can you try and get the loans without her as co-signer? I do not know your mom, but my mom tried doing similar things when I was a kid (not as serious as financial aid, but she used ultimatums a lot) but she never followed through on the really big ones. Call her bluff and see what she does. There is a chance she is betting your desire for education will get you into church, but she is not really willing to deny you an education to get you there. This may, just maybe, a bluff. My mom bluffed all the time.

 

Or tell her you'll go, get her to sign the papers, and then once your moved up there, say you can't find a decent church. Once the papers are signed and your up there, not much can be done at that point.

 

And as far as lying to mom goes, she is forcing it, not you. If you had the choice, you'd be honest with her, but she will not allow that. She is making you lie, so do not feel guilt about it.

[Vixentrox]

Well, whenever you beg money from someone you are beholden to them. Try to get your own funding? Can always call her bluff as Marty says. Guess it comes down to how much of a sell out you are. How far will you whore your ideal for money. That is something only you can answer.

[Jedah]

Is your mom smart enough seeing through the idea of attending the Unitarian "church"?

 

Try to bargain and see if she will allow other denominations ( Just don't tell her it's unitarian ) Then attend Unitarian services, make friends, have fun.

[chefranden]

Find a bar with a churchy sounding name.

[florduh]

It's hard to assert your independence when you are relying on someone else for financial support.

 

I'd try to keep her placated as part of the job to earn the money you need. I'd have no problem lying about going to church though. Play along until you really are independent. You'll never get her to see your side of the situation because Christians know what the One True God™ wants for you.

 

Good luck.

[PaulQ]

Do you not see the opportunity that exists here? By all means, graciously accept her invitation to go with her to her church. During the sermon, put your hand up and ask questions...LOTS of questions, relating to what is being preached. If you need help coming up with the questions that every atheist should know to ask a Christian, I'd be glad to help. Your mother will be so mortified, but it will be her fault for bringing an atheist to church; she should have expected it. After you're done, it's doubtful she'll ever want to invite you ever again.

 

Some simple ones:

 

"If god really exists, why doesn't he make his existence obvious?"

"If god really made everything, why do you need our money? Can't god just make it for you?" (ask during the tithing)

"Jesus performed miracles to get people to believe in god. Why don't I get to see the same miracles?"

"How do you know for certain that the men who wrote the bible really were divinely inspired, and not just making it up?"

 

To be fair, after graciously accepting, you could warn her that you plan on raising a few questions during the sermon. It may be enough to change her mind, especially if you put the questions to her first.

[Purple]

MP3 player and homework.

 

Although I love the questions thing suggested by Paul the members of the church would just see you as rude, I'm afraid and it would solidify a stereo type of the rude, angry atheist.

 

You're going to have homework, I'm sure, that's a given. So put your ear phones in, bring a book, and pretend you're in the library.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I'm personally not a fan of lying. I've never been in your situation either, though, but I'm concerned that if you lie about it and she finds out, then it will be difficult to win her trust again. For years she may consider you dishonest, and therefore she would probably be even less likely than she is now to ever even consider you having a valid worldview, because, after all, you're a liar.

 

You could say that you'll try to find a decent church, and after she signs and you're off to college, go ahead and go to a few. You already know that you won't find a decent one, so you're not threatened with having to go to church indefinitely. Like others have said, once she signs for the loan, she can't renege on it anyway. And, for the few weeks you go to church, you could do your homework, as others have suggested. After a short while, stop going, and if your mother asks about it, just tell her that you couldn't find a decent church, which would be the truth, of course.

[Seeker630]

I see two ways to go here. First off, you could just lie your ass off and not go once you get to Boston. Second, since she is using her parental authority figure status and money to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do, even as a young adult, and knowing full well you don't want to do, she is disrespecting you. I see no reason you should not return the favor by disrespecting her wishes in this matter.

 

The downside is how long do you think you can live a lie?

[PaulQ]

MP3 player and homework.

 

Although I love the questions thing suggested by Paul the members of the church would just see you as rude, I'm afraid and it would solidify a stereo type of the rude, angry atheist.

 

It's all in the sincerity when posing the questions. If you act angry or rude when asking the questions, then you will appear that way. On the other hand, if you ask with a genuine sense of interest, they cannot write you off as such. Imagine you're in your favourite class, and you're simply looking for clarification. Don't ask with a grin or a sneer, but rather with a genuine inquisitive look of a questioning student. Confess that you are a "Doubting Thomas," and just like Thomas the Apostle, you too need proof.