LookingGlass Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Hi all. I'm not sure who to turn to...I haven't been this depressed in awhile. When I first joined this forum a couple years ago, I was complaining about problems I was having with my husband. He's a christian and i"m not (anymore), but that's just one of the issues we were having. Now after much deliberation, changing my mind, asking advice and many sleepless nights, I've decided to end my marriage. Those closest to me know I've been unhappy in this marriage for years, so they understand why i want to leave. However, those closest to me are also very religious. One of my best friends is a deacon at his Kingdom Hall, my mom is an evangelist, and my other best friends are from my old church and evangelical baptist college. We actually haven't been close lately...it's hard. I see their profiles on facebook and see that they're all still close friends and I'm out of the loop. One friend who was in my dorm building posted the results of a "bridesmaid generator" game on facebook and I saw the names of many of the girls we used to hang out with. It's like a huge chunk of my past got erased when I deconverted. Not that they exclude me, but I just can't relate to them anymore when phrases like "the Lord will provide" and "pray about it" are still a big part of their vocabularies. So I don't really have anyone I can really confide in, without being told to pray and trust jesus. I haven't been a christian for about three years but i haven't really talked about it to anyone. So, yeah. I am moving to my mom's house at the beginning of next month. My mom isn't the overbearing fire and brimstone type. She's actually a very loving person and we are quite close. But still, some things I can't talk to her about in depth about. I just wanted to post it here. Maybe someone has gone through something similar and can offer some advice. Christ...I've never felt so f***ked over in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 One of the hardest things I had to do when I left my first husband was to leave behind all the friends we had together. We were both close to all of them, but I knew that he needed a support network more than I did, and he shared more in common with them than I did. So I willingly gave them up so that he could still have a safe group of people around him where he wouldn't have to deal with me. They chose to side with him, but I must acknowledge that I did nothing to discourage them from doing so. I voluntarily moved on. It was still agonizing, though voluntary. Leaving a partner that you've spent some time with and built up a life with is painful. You're not just giving up the person, you're giving up whatever the two of you built together, which could include friends or family or hobbies or a social life or religious life or what have you. Your whole life gets gutted out, big chunks of it fall away, people vanish, everything changes. Even if it's the right or necessary thing to do it's pretty miserable for awhile. Especially if you leave, because then you get to be the bad guy. It's really shitty to be left by your partner. What I think people don't realize is that it's really shitty to have to be the one to leave, too. But as far as advice, well - I got through it by finding bits and pieces of whatever support I could, wherever I could. I lost almost all my friends, but I had family around. You might lose your friends, but you say you're moving in with your mom - I wouldn't recommend that forever but whatever support she can give you right now, I'd say take it. You'll need every bit of support you can muster, no matter how small, to build on those little pieces until you get to a place where you can make new friends and meet new people. I'd also offer that dealing with something as weighty as divorce takes time. Time to make the decision, yes, but also time to get the process going, time to go to court, time to take care of crappy business like splitting up the household goods, time to grieve the loss of the marriage, time to grieve the loss of your spouse, time to grieve the life you had together, and so on and so on... lots of time. Take whatever time you need. Eventually I also got to this point where the prospect of a new life wasn't devastating and scary anymore, it was actually kind of exciting. The upheaval may at some point be replaced by an exhilarating sense of freedom: your life can be anything you want it to be now. You can go anywhere, do anything, learn anything, be anyone you want; the possibilities are endless. That's stuff that got me through a painful divorce, anyway. Whether you find anything useful here or not, I'm sorry you're going through it. I know how hard it is to realize it's time, and to leave someone. Just know that I wish you the best and hang in there, it will get better. It really really will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulQ Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Your post has inspired me to consider creating a local atheist social club. Perhaps you could do the same in your area. I know the seed of discontent I planted in my wife's mind is starting to grow; she's showing interest in listening to my atheist podcasts, and is starting to understand why I don't care for an inheritance from Christian parents. It helps that she recognizes how fucked up her Christian family is, and the role Christianity has played in that (you can say the word Fuck in this forum, we won't be offended). However, your case is different. Turn that negative into a positive. I know for certain if my wife wasn't the way she is and stuck with fundamentalist Xtian ways (like her sister did), I'd have to leave her and would be looking for a woman like you. If it was a woman who started an Atheist social club, I'd have to admit the attraction would be that much stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Thanks to you guys for your responses. I appreciate them a lot. PaulQ yours made me smile. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were hitting on me... I'll have to check meetup.com to see if there's any groups like that in my area. I'm not sure if I'm an atheist or not at this point, just that I wouldn't touch Christianity again, even with a ten foot pole. Thanks a lot for your suggestion. I'm sure a lot of ppl would benefit from your group if you were to start it. @Phanta, thanks for the book recommendation. I hope your bug stings are feeling better today. @gwenmead thanks very much for sharing your experience...I drew a lot from your post. Yes it is hard when you're the one leaving. I really do feel like the bad guy because he really wants me to stay. However I know it won't happen. I was only 19 when I got married and now I'm 24. I've changed so much and we have little to nothing in common. We don't have many friends in common since he never was much of a social person, so I guess that is good in this case. I'll have to work hard not to isolate myself though, since I tend to withdraw a lot when I'm depressed. Thanks again for your insight. @downtoearth I do need to see a counselor..I've been putting it off though. Now would be a good time. Thanks again you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 24 is very young. I know many girls who did not get married before then, maybe more than half. If the friends will not bother to hear your side of the story then you aren't losing much. I don't know where you live or what you do, but don't be afraid to just move somewhere else and start over. Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 24 is very young. I know many girls who did not get married before then, maybe more than half. If the friends will not bother to hear your side of the story then you aren't losing much. I don't know where you live or what you do, but don't be afraid to just move somewhere else and start over. Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. So many times I've daydreamed of just jetting off to Europe for a year. lol. However we have a young daughter between us, and I don't want to take her too far away since she and her dad have a good relationiship. I might just spend a month abroad though, just for the experience. I've had a serious case of unfulfilled travel lust since I was a teen, and maybe this would be a good time to answer the call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 So many times I've daydreamed of just jetting off to Europe for a year. lol. However we have a young daughter between us, and I don't want to take her too far away since she and her dad have a good relationiship. I might just spend a month abroad though, just for the experience. I've had a serious case of unfulfilled travel lust since I was a teen, and maybe this would be a good time to answer the call. I recommend the book Eat, Pray, Love. It is a memoir by a woman who ends a divorce and answers that very call, and seek out the divine in three different countries: Italy (eat), India (pray), Indonesia (love). I'm 1/3 through. She just ate her way through Italy and is about to enter an ashram. Brilliant so far. Phanta I've read that book! I have the paperback edition and the cover is so worn now. I can really relate to the author. You'll love the second part...Richard from Texas is awesome. Let me know what you think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 However we have a young daughter between us, and I don't want to take her too far away since she and her dad have a good relationiship. I might just spend a month abroad though, just for the experience. I've had a serious case of unfulfilled travel lust since I was a teen, and maybe this would be a good time to answer the call. You're just a kid yourself. I will say that if you can take that trip...do it! Your daughter will be fine with your (ex)hubby and you can go. Or, if possible, take her. It will be a good experience (depending on her age). The important part, and this is experience talking, you get old in the blink of an eye. You tell yourself you'll take that trip next year and soon next year turns into 20 years and you still haven't gone. So go. If you don't take your daughter just bring her something nice and take her next time (because unlike "next year" once you go there's almost always a next time). mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Thanks mwc. it might have to wait until next year but i'm definitely planning toward it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 So many times I've daydreamed of just jetting off to Europe for a year. lol. However we have a young daughter between us, and I don't want to take her too far away since she and her dad have a good relationiship. I might just spend a month abroad though, just for the experience. I've had a serious case of unfulfilled travel lust since I was a teen, and maybe this would be a good time to answer the call. I recommend the book Eat, Pray, Love. It is a memoir by a woman who ends a divorce and answers that very call, and seek out the divine in three different countries: Italy (eat), India (pray), Indonesia (love). I'm 1/3 through. She just ate her way through Italy and is about to enter an ashram. Brilliant so far. Phanta I've read that book! I have the paperback edition and the cover is so worn now. I can really relate to the author. You'll love the second part...Richard from Texas is awesome. Let me know what you think! I loved that book too! Of course, the eating and loving appealed to me much more than the praying!!!! But then, I'm just a heathen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 LookingGlass, it seems to me that you are making the best of a difficult situation. I have been through a divorce, and although my situation was very different from yours, at the time I thought the pain would kill me. I think this is a great place to seek support and encouragement. There are many kind, wise people here who can relate to your situation and offer excellent suggestions. Hopefully, you are finding ways to form new friendships. It’s a shame that your connection with your religious friends is becoming weak. You probably still care for them and they for you, but I can see how you would feel out of the loop. This may be a good time to take up a hobby that interests you, or take a class or two. Be kind to yourself and start planning your trip! Even if you have to wait a year, there is a lot you can do to prepare. And, a countdown can be fun. I’m taking a trip with some dear friends in 135 days!!! (I’ve been counting down since last November. ) Best wishes!!! Keep us posted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 And, a countdown can be fun. I’m taking a trip with some dear friends in 135 days!!! (I’ve been counting down since last November. ) You are one of my favorite people, noob. *warm smile* Phanta Thank you, Phanta! And you are a favorite of mine!!! Fondly, noob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 LookingGlass, it seems to me that you are making the best of a difficult situation. I have been through a divorce, and although my situation was very different from yours, at the time I thought the pain would kill me. I think this is a great place to seek support and encouragement. There are many kind, wise people here who can relate to your situation and offer excellent suggestions. Hopefully, you are finding ways to form new friendships. It’s a shame that your connection with your religious friends is becoming weak. You probably still care for them and they for you, but I can see how you would feel out of the loop. This may be a good time to take up a hobby that interests you, or take a class or two. Be kind to yourself and start planning your trip! Even if you have to wait a year, there is a lot you can do to prepare. And, a countdown can be fun. I’m taking a trip with some dear friends in 135 days!!! (I’ve been counting down since last November. ) Best wishes!!! Keep us posted! Thank you noob, your post encouraged me. I know what you mean about the pain nearly killing you. I am trying to make new friends. I can't go out much so it's a slow process, but I'm trying nonetheless. I will keep you posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_Scarevangelist Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Aren't you too young to leave your husband? Well... If you are unhappy with him and you are only 20... what I can say is GO! You deserve do be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Sorry to hear about the break up. Keep hope that you will find the right person. My wife was married twice before me. The first one lasted four months and the second one lasted 14 months. We have been married going on 17 years in September. I must not be too gnarly to last this long. My point being, things change, people, jobs, and attitudes. You will find the right person. It is difficult making new friends when old friends do not come around after you've left the church. Every day is a new day. Be yourself and be honest with others and you will make new friends in no time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted August 7, 2009 Author Share Posted August 7, 2009 Thanks Heretic Zero..no I guess you're not so gnarly after all. I appreciate your thoughts. Scarevangelist I'm actually 24 now, I got married at 19. Oh, as an update I'm not moving out this month afterall...some stuff happened with my mom and she needs to take care of it so I'll still be at home with my husband. I'll just have to wait to move out. He said he would be on good behavior and so far he has been. So, yeah. Just hoping for the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulQ Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." - Already Gone, The Eagles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LookingGlass Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 That's a thoughtful quote. Can you expound on it a bit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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