Spinoff

[Caretaker]

I decided I wanted to reply to Pariah in a new thread, as not to derail No More's thread.

 

Fweethawt: Thanks for posting that link. Their list of characteristics of an unhealthy family ("here) shocked me a little, it describes my family very closely. Statements like "Parents feel their children "owe" them" and "Children are told "Everyone’s out to get you" especially struck a chord in me. The scary thing is the whole time I was reading that site I was thinking "but aren't all families like that?" Thanks to websites like that one and this forum I am just starting to realize that my problems with my parents are not all my fault.

 

My situation is a little like yours, No More, but I still live with my parents (I'm 16). When I first started questioning my mother's beliefs (not just religion, but any of her beliefs) fist-slapped me and called me her failure. Not a failure, but her failure, implying that I was not a person but some kind of assignment or endeavor that can be a success or a failure.  Just a few weeks ago she told me that she might as well kill herself if I wouldn't be a Christian. Other than the times that she's completely batshit crazy, though, she's actually quite nice and normal. Unfortunately, I never know what's going to set her off. Maybe I should start a new thread about this...

 

Oh, BTW, thank you for your link, too, No More. It's very interesting.

 

One of our members, Curtdude, told his parents that it hurt him more to be in Christianity. ()

 

I think what may be best is to do is to do the same with your mother. Inform her that you would be dishonest to yourself to call yourself Christian because you honestly cannot believe the claims of Christianity to be true without proof. And more importantly, that it hurts you that she can't accept you for who you really are.

 

You are not doing this to spite her, but because you want to be honest with yourself. You have the ability to think for yourself.

 

Then bring up an example like this to your mother:

 

Some stranger walks up to you and tells you some guy named Hank will give you a million dollars if you kiss his toes.

 

And ask her if she thinks it is unreasonable for you to be skeptical about this.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Can't agree more, Pariah. Check my note to you also on post #60 on No More's thread.

[Pariah]

One of our members, Curtdude, told his parents that it hurt him more to be in Christianity. (*)

 

I think what may be best is to do is to do the same with your mother. Inform her that you would be dishonest to yourself to call yourself Christian because you honestly cannot believe the claims of Christianity to be true without proof. And more importantly, that it hurts you that she can't accept you for who you really are.

 

You are not doing this to spite her, but because you want to be honest with yourself. You have the ability to think for yourself.

 

Then bring up an example like this to your mother:

 

Some stranger walks up to you and tells you some guy named Hank will give you a million dollars if you kiss his toes.

 

And ask her if she thinks it is unreasonable for you to be skeptical about this.

 

Thanks for starting this thread for me.

 

These things are basically what I said to her, except with more anger (which I now regret). Unfortunately she seems to be unable to understand metaphors like your "kissing Hank's toes" example. Usually when I ask her the hard questions she either goes totally quiet, says things like "but God is real!" or "I don't know but I'm sure someone does.", or asks me (rhetorically) why I want to rebel against everything good. I did make some progress, though, when I brought up the issue of God's evil baby-killing nature in the Old Testament.

 

I think I'm just going to try to hold my tongue for now unless she or my dad really cross the line. They allowed me to stop going to church and so unless that changes there aren't really any other pressing matters worth bringing up religion over. As long as I remember that the way my parents treat me doesn't reflect on me as a person and I ignore their propaganda I should be fine. Actually, holding my tongue has been my plan for a while now but its hard not to say something when, for example, my mom has the nerve to call other people's religions ridiculous or when my crazy aunt and uncle hear God talking to them but God's alleged messages turn out to be false.

 

Pariah, whatever you can do to act on Cyrano's advice, in my opinion, will be to the good, not only for you but for your mother. Note that especially between mother and daughter, from what I've noticed and friends confirm, there's a link where the mother wants the daughter to meet her needs. You are a different person. Your mother will be happier when she respects and is happy about that.

 

Well, I'm actually her son but I understand what you mean. Will she really ever be happy, though, if she continues to believe that her son and most of the rest of her family are going to burn in hell for eternity?

 

There may be someone at school or some social worker in the community or someone else like that who can start by listening to you and then point you further.

 

My school is a private Christian school (no help there) and I don't really know anyone in person who might be able to help. Thanks for the advice anyway.

[Caretaker]

My school is a private Christian school (no help there) and I don't really know anyone in person who might be able to help. Thanks for the advice anyway.

That's what the Internet is for.

 

I think one thing that you should at least clear up with your mother is that you aren't out to rebel so you can be an evil person.

 

Try to make her see that not believing in a God doesn't make you an evil person. If your mother is reasonable enough, she will see this and at least accept your decision when she realizes you are not a baby-eating, mass-murdering, incestuous heathen (at least I hope you aren't).

[Pariah]

Try to make her see that not believing in a God doesn't make you an evil person. If your mother is reasonable enough, she will see this and at least accept your decision when she realizes you are not a baby-eating, mass-murdering, incestuous heathen (at least I hope you aren't).

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Yeah, problem is I said a lot of things that I regret in my post-Christian nihilist period, like about morality being meaningless and stuff. I've done my best to make it clear to her that I don't believe those things anymore and I think its helped a little.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[Pariah]

An update: Things have been going better between us. A few days ago she told me, in a round about way, that she realized that some people (like me) were non-conformist and stuff and that that was okay. She said the realization came to her after she read this book about an artist back in the early days of Canadian colonization who was persecuted by her Christian neighbors and family for following the ideas of "heathen" aboriginal spirituality and just generally being a free spirit.

[Caretaker]

An update: Things have been going better between us. A few days ago she told me, in a round about way, that she realized that some people (like me) were non-conformist and stuff and that that was okay. She said the realization came to her after she read this book about an artist back in the early days of Canadian colonization who was persecuted by her Christian neighbors and family for following the ideas of "heathen" aboriginal spirituality and just generally being a free spirit.

That sounds great!

 

Keep us posted!