Dealing With Telling Your Family

[RaisedPB]

This may seem like a strange question, but have any of you dealt with feelings of sadness or guilt when thinking about how your deconversion would affect your believing parents?

 

I'll explain. I grew up in a fundy, evangelical home. My parents are good people, but totally committed to their faith and church, for the past 35 years. My two brothers have already left christianity, and it more or less devastated my parents. My family (wife, children, and me) are still attending the same church my parents attend. I am their oldest child. I don't believe the evangelical christian story any more, but I know what my parents will do to themselves if I tell them that - depression, guilt, blaming themselves, they are failures as parents, etc.... I know that their feelings and reaction are not my responsibility, but I still love my parents and don't want to hurt them. But continuing to live a lie is taking a toll on me.

 

Any advice? Have others dealt with these feelings? What did you do about it?

 

Thanks for "listening".

 

Steve

[florduh]

Most of us have faced your dilemma. What you do about it depends on a lot of factors only you know.

 

For me, old/sick/dying relatives and close family friends in that category weren't informed. What would be the point?

 

Others whom I have daily contact with had to be told that I simply couldn't believe that shit anymore. I couldn't see misrepresenting myself for the rest of my life. It wouldn't be fair to either party.

 

If people love you for who you really are, you will not lose them. The ones who can only love another Christian are best removed from your life anyway. Additionally, you're not responsible for the views of other people and their reaction to reality. IMO it's never wrong to just be yourself. Living a lie takes an emotional toll, so I vote for honesty.

 

Good luck.

[Kyle]

I'm choosing not to tell my parents. There is nothing to gain. I respectfully decline their invitations to church and church events. Living a lie is taking a toll on me. If I didn't have this place, I would go crazy

[TheYoYo]

Maybe you could tell them what you've said here.

 

Tell them that they've not done anything wrong, that your loss of faith is not their fault. Tell them that you love them and don't want to hurt them, but that because you love them, you have to be honest with them.

 

My parents are atheists, so I've never had to face this situation. But when I first became a Christian, I was terrified of telling them. Obviously it isn't as hurtful for an atheist parent to hear that their child is a Christian, because they don't have to worry that their kid's going to hell, like your parents probably will. But it was still hard. My mum's first worry was that something had happened, and that they'd done something wrong, that I didn't feel like I could talk to them about it, and so had turned to religion instead. Crazy, but I guess it's a pretty normal parental reaction, when you move away from their path, to think it's somehow their fault. (they were happy to hear I'd deconverted again!)

 

Ultimately though, I did tell them, and it was ok. It was awkward, they thought I was completely mental, but it was ok. I made it into a really massive thing in my head, and it took me 10 months after my conversion before I dared mention it. I covered up everything about going to church, who my friends were. And then when I told them, I wondered why I'd been worrying so much.

 

Obviously this is a bigger deal, this is scarier. But it might not be that bad. I don't know what your parents are like, so I can't guess how they'll respond. But it might be better than you think.

[bird28]

I'm having problems with this myself... seeing how my grandma cries over her own "lost" kids and how mistreated my atheist uncle is by the rest of the family, I've kept this to myself so far.

[Coriander]

This hasn't been an issue for me until recently. Don't really know why. My mother is one of those "lets pray together" types and talks xtianity all. the. time. I lost it the other day when we were having a really heavy emotional talk and she tried to get me to pray with her about it "to break the curses of past hurts". Ugh. So yeah, I did what anyone trapped in a car with a lay-hands-on-and-pray-xtian would do, I screamed NO yada yada yada story ends sort of alright but thats not the point. Suddenly it jumped up in full technicolour, I think I need to do something about this.

 

See but if I do say I'm not a xtian anymore, no matter how it is presented, it won't be nice and simple thats that. My scream will be seen as a demonic possesion that is making me reject God and should be prayed out. My announcement will be final proof that I was never saved (bwhahahaha) and that the suspicions my mother had re my leaving pentecostalism and then church altogether were correct. I can imagine them upping the ante on attempting to indoctrinate my child. Oh and all conversations + any struggles in my life will be used as a religious platform. Nup, I'm not in a safe enough place to let that happen just yet.

[RaisedPB]

I can imagine them upping the ante on attempting to indoctrinate my child. Oh and all conversations + any struggles in my life will be used as a religious platform. Nup, I'm not in a safe enough place to let that happen just yet.

 

It's amazing how similar so many of our stories are. My background isn't pentacostal, but more conservative evangelical, but the reaction would be very similar. My parents wouldn't disown me or anything, but almost the opposite - their mission would now be to "bring me back in the fold". Like you said, the ante would be upped, so to speak, on the grandchildren (something I definitely do not want), and if I tell them I'm struggling with anything, it is now going to be interpreted as due to the fact that I am away from god and he is disciplining me. I know because I've already seen it with my brothers. I hear frequently "their lives are a mess because they have fallen away from the lord". Of course, their definition of your life being a mess is not making the same fundy bible based decisions in life they would make.

 

I know I'm going to have to "come out" eventually - the duality is killing me - but I think it's just going to take a little more time to get there.

[Coriander]

I hear you entirely.

[★ Citsonga ★]

This hasn't been an issue for me until recently. Don't really know why. My mother is one of those "lets pray together" types and talks xtianity all. the. time. I lost it the other day when we were having a really heavy emotional talk and she tried to get me to pray with her about it "to break the curses of past hurts". Ugh. So yeah, I did what anyone trapped in a car with a lay-hands-on-and-pray-xtian would do, I screamed NO yada yada yada story ends sort of alright but thats not the point. Suddenly it jumped up in full technicolour, I think I need to do something about this.

 

See but if I do say I'm not a xtian anymore, no matter how it is presented, it won't be nice and simple thats that. My scream will be seen as a demonic possesion that is making me reject God and should be prayed out. My announcement will be final proof that I was never saved (bwhahahaha) and that the suspicions my mother had re my leaving pentecostalism and then church altogether were correct. I can imagine them upping the ante on attempting to indoctrinate my child. Oh and all conversations + any struggles in my life will be used as a religious platform. Nup, I'm not in a safe enough place to let that happen just yet.

 

Well, technically speaking, of course, you really weren't ever "saved." There is no such condition as "saved" in the Christian sense. It's nothing but a mind game based on superstitious nonsense, so even your parents have never been "saved," because nobody has been. On the other hand, though, they typically mean that you never could have really believed, but that is just pure ignorance.

 

But, yeah, I feel for you. It must suck to be in that situation. I'm afraid that things might be similar with my father if I told him I'm no longer a Christian. I do think my mother would be more understanding, but I would be a bit surprised if my father would be.

[Coriander]

Well, technically speaking, of course, you really weren't ever "saved." There is no such condition as "saved" in the Christian sense. It's nothing but a mind game based on superstitious nonsense, so even your parents have never been "saved," because nobody has been. On the other hand, though, they typically mean that you never could have really believed, but that is just pure ignorance.

 

Oh I agree. It's more that it would come up and I don't even want the conversation. That sharing my beliefs (or lack of) will invite more invasive comment and scrutiny is appalling to even think about. I don't even have to share, eventually it will come out in some way. Meh. Just as long as I live even further away.

[greenhunter]

i just don't feel the need to tell them. i've just given the excuse of working on sundays, but before that i just told them i haven't found a church yet, while i hung out at starbucks or the park or something like that until 12 in the afternoon, then meet them at home.

[Loren]

I can imagine them upping the ante on attempting to indoctrinate my child. Oh and all conversations + any struggles in my life will be used as a religious platform. Nup, I'm not in a safe enough place to let that happen just yet.

 

It's amazing how similar so many of our stories are. My background isn't pentacostal, but more conservative evangelical, but the reaction would be very similar. My parents wouldn't disown me or anything, but almost the opposite - their mission would now be to "bring me back in the fold". Like you said, the ante would be upped, so to speak, on the grandchildren (something I definitely do not want), and if I tell them I'm struggling with anything, it is now going to be interpreted as due to the fact that I am away from god and he is disciplining me. I know because I've already seen it with my brothers. I hear frequently "their lives are a mess because they have fallen away from the lord". Of course, their definition of your life being a mess is not making the same fundy bible based decisions in life they would make.

 

I know I'm going to have to "come out" eventually - the duality is killing me - but I think it's just going to take a little more time to get there.

One of the things I find so disgusting about this is that for both of you (and every one else who's dealt with this), once this happens, you are no longer a person to them, you're a project.

 

How impersonal. And this from family. At a time when the emotional level of the situation has gone through the roof, simultaneously, the personal closeness is undermined and distanced. How counter-productive and emotionally invalidating to you. And it's all because the damned clergy just had to insert itself between you and them.

[Coriander]

One of the things I find so disgusting about this is that for both of you (and every one else who's dealt with this), once this happens, you are no longer a person to them, you're a project.

 

That is how it feels, the project child. Ugh.

[RaisedPB]

One of the things I find so disgusting about this is that for both of you (and every one else who's dealt with this), once this happens, you are no longer a person to them, you're a project.

 

How impersonal. And this from family. At a time when the emotional level of the situation has gone through the roof, simultaneously, the personal closeness is undermined and distanced. How counter-productive and emotionally invalidating to you. And it's all because the damned clergy just had to insert itself between you and them.

 

That's exactly how I'm afraid it will feel. You can't just enjoy each other, because you know they always have the additional motivation of trying to "save" you, or "win you back", or whatever. Even when they don't intend it, how do you separate it, because for evangelicals, it's core to them. It's in the name, after all.

[ShallowByThyGame]

I eventually grew bitter about living the lie. I decided that my relationship with my parents would never be healthy if I kept pretending. It was fake, and it felt shallow to accept their fake approval, to trick them into being happy. It was not respectful to anyone. The only chance I would ever have to become truly emotionally close to them would be to be myself, and just have hope that they'll come around.

 

I recommend the book 'The Corrections' by Jonathon Franzen. It really cuts into the emotional problems that develop when family members begin to lie to each other to protect the peace and image of the family.

[Deva]

I eventually grew bitter about living the lie. I decided that my relationship with my parents would never be healthy if I kept pretending. It was fake, and it felt shallow to accept their fake approval, to trick them into being happy. It was not respectful to anyone. The only chance I would ever have to become truly emotionally close to them would be to be myself, and just have hope that they'll come around.

 

I recommend the book 'The Corrections' by Jonathon Franzen. It really cuts into the emotional problems that develop when family members begin to lie to each other to protect the peace and image of the family.

 

I think you may be right. It wears on you over the years. You continually feel you are hiding. On the other hand with my parents, I keep projecting how they will feel if I come out and say something. But I will probably tell them soon anyway. It becomes very difficult because you know your parents never really know who you are.

[bird28]

One of the things I find so disgusting about this is that for both of you (and every one else who's dealt with this), once this happens, you are no longer a person to them, you're a project.

 

How impersonal. And this from family. At a time when the emotional level of the situation has gone through the roof, simultaneously, the personal closeness is undermined and distanced. How counter-productive and emotionally invalidating to you. And it's all because the damned clergy just had to insert itself between you and them.

 

That's exactly how I'm afraid it will feel. You can't just enjoy each other, because you know they always have the additional motivation of trying to "save" you, or "win you back", or whatever. Even when they don't intend it, how do you separate it, because for evangelicals, it's core to them. It's in the name, after all.

 

I already feel this way about one of my aunts. She's a Jehovah's Witness. I know she loves me, but all my life there's that thing where she's trying to convert me. She invited me to her how to stay a few days, and I try to enjoy her company, but as always there's the inevitable "wanna come to the hall with me?"

 

ugh... If I told the rest of my family, most of then would be like that to me all the time. I mean I have one athiest uncle, and he got a letter from the uncle I live with now about how he's gonna burn in hell someday.

[ClaraOlive]

I also became bitter and stressed about living the lie. It started wearing on me. It probably would be different for people whose parents are content not to talk about religion all the time or ask pointed questions about "how is your spiritual walk? Where are you with the Lord?"- questions that require direct deception.

 

The real impetus for me was when they started interfering in my dating life. It became obvious that if I wanted to keep the peace in the family and please my parents, I would have to marry a Christian man. I tried to do that, and as you can imagine, it was disastrous and ended in pain for everyone involved. After that, there was no question that there was no overlap between the way I wanted to live my life and the way that they wanted me to live my life, and coming out was inevitable.

 

If I had to do it all over again- so was in a similar place to where you are now- I wouldn't put a big emphasis on "coming out". You don't have to "confess" your atheism. I would atart living my life in the way that I wanted and let any explanations flow from those actions. Starting by answering the inevitable question "why aren't you going to church anymore" might be easier than having a sit down that dramatically begins with "I have something I need to tell you".

[RaisedPB]

I also became bitter and stressed about living the lie. It started wearing on me. It probably would be different for people whose parents are content not to talk about religion all the time or ask pointed questions about "how is your spiritual walk? Where are you with the Lord?"- questions that require direct deception.

 

The real impetus for me was when they started interfering in my dating life. It became obvious that if I wanted to keep the peace in the family and please my parents, I would have to marry a Christian man. I tried to do that, and as you can imagine, it was disastrous and ended in pain for everyone involved. After that, there was no question that there was no overlap between the way I wanted to live my life and the way that they wanted me to live my life, and coming out was inevitable.

 

If I had to do it all over again- so was in a similar place to where you are now- I wouldn't put a big emphasis on "coming out". You don't have to "confess" your atheism. I would atart living my life in the way that I wanted and let any explanations flow from those actions. Starting by answering the inevitable question "why aren't you going to church anymore" might be easier than having a sit down that dramatically begins with "I have something I need to tell you".

 

That's exactly how my parent are, especially my dad. I have occasionally gotten the "how's your spiritual life?" type questions lately. I think they know something's up. I stepped down from all the things I was doing at church, have been much less regular in attendance, and much less, shall we say, enthusiastic about religion. I just kinda say, "uh huh", or something when they try to talk about the speaker's sermon or something like that.

 

You're probably right about taking it slow and not worrying about having a big "coming out" moment. It just feels like I'm living a lie, and it gets stressful.

[VacuumFlux]

My two brothers have already left christianity, and it more or less devastated my parents. My family (wife, children, and me) are still attending the same church my parents attend. I am their oldest child.

 

No advice from me, just sympathy.

 

My older sister married a non-Christian, my parents were furious and cried and prayed that he'd have trouble with paperwork/finances at school, since they wanted to marry after he got his degree. They were horrified that my sister is ok with gays. They've ended up dealing with it by trying to pretend that my sister is still a Christian (well, she might be, but she hasn't gone to church in years) and praying that she'll bring her husband around to see the light.

 

It bothered me how they handled it, but at the time I thought I was still a Christian and just thought they were doing it wrong. I was always quieter, would go along with things, would keep my thoughts to myself. I was the good kid they looked to convince themselves that they hadn't completely screwed up. Turns out I may have rejected more of their worldview than my sister has. I just haven't been open about it yet.

 

I don't have a family (er, in the spouse/kids sense), but my parents really really value doing church "as a family". They hate the concept of children's church and youth group because it splits up families. I still live at home, and I still go to church with them. It's getting on my nerves more and more as I start learning out to see church from an outsider's perspective. I'm terrified of having children because, no matter how much of my beliefs I can hide from them now, children will make everything that I'm not telling them come out of the woodwork.

 

Good luck telling them. The only positive thing I can think to say is that, no matter how much my parents disapprove of my sister, they grudgingly accept her and her husband and don't try to convert him all the time. It may take a while, but hopefully you and your parents would come to some sort of compromise.

[Hungrydingo]

My closest friends and my sister are the only ones who know I am an atheist. I will probably never tell my mom, dad, or brother. They simply would not accept me. It's tough, and I am very careful not to flat out lie and pretend I am still a christian without actually saying I'm an atheist. I guess I secretly hope they'll start to catch on and gradually come to terms with it.

[★ Citsonga ★]

My closest friends and my sister are the only ones who know I am an atheist. I will probably never tell my mom, dad, or brother. They simply would not accept me. It's tough, and I am very careful not to flat out lie and pretend I am still a christian without actually saying I'm an atheist. I guess I secretly hope they'll start to catch on and gradually come to terms with it.

 

I'm in a similar boat. I am an agnostic with atheist leanings, but I've only told a couple coworkers that. I have told my wife and another friend that I no longer believe the Bible and Christianity, but I haven't mentioned agnosticism or atheism to them. I haven't yet come out as a non-believer to any others who knew me as a Christian, though I suspect that a few suspect it. (Actually, since I almost never go to church anymore, there must be quite a few who suspect it.)

 

Since I live 500 miles away from my parents and sister, it's easy for me to avoid the issue most of the time. Visits can make me a little nervous, though, in that I will not lie about where I stand but I don't want to rock the boat, so I just beat around the bush when issues about religion come up. I do go to church with my parents when we're visiting each other (the one time I've been to church this year was when they came out over Memorial Day weekend). I basically just follow along and try to respect them, but I will not pretend to be religious myself.

 

In a way, I think I should let them know, so then I don't have to try to avoid certain things in conversations. But my father would probably be difficult to deal with in this matter. On the other hand, if I don't let them know, then I don't have to worry about them thinking that I've been blinded by the devil and I'm on my way to hell, and I don't have to deal with my father trying to preach to me all the time.