Letter To My Priest

[FiddlingAround]

In a few weeks, choir will begin and I will be returning to church. I keep attending because of the choir and because I'm not ready yet to tell my family I've turned apostate. But I can't take another year of sitting there silently disagreeing with everything and letting everyone around me think I still believe. I ended up exhausted every Sunday from resentment at the teachings and my own hypocrisy.

 

So heading into this year, I'm taking a new honest approach. Below is a draft of a letter I intend to email to my priest. It still needs a closing paragraph, but I thought I'd get some input before figuring that out. What do you think of it?

 

And yes, I know he might react poorly. If he does, obviously that will change my current plans to remain in the church for the time being. But I'd rather be honest about my own intentions and clear about his.

 

Hello Father Ron,

 

You may (or may not) have noticed that I’ve been gone ever since the choir season ended this summer. It’s been a welcome break. For me, church had become an exhausting exercise in extended hypocrisy and the sharp knowledge of not belonging. You see, I’m no longer a Christian. I haven’t been for over two years, but it’s only now that I’m beginning to appreciate the importance of being honest with others, not just myself, to my own peace of mind.

 

That doesn’t mean that I’m going to become disruptive, or engage in arguments, or even go about announcing myself to people. It simply means that I wish to be up front with you and that I will answer honestly any time questions of belief come up. It is my intention to return to church the week after choir begins (I’ll be out of town for the first rehearsal), but those plans assume that you would be comfortable having an agnostic participating in your services without feeling any pressure to re-convert me. If that would make you uncomfortable, please let me know. I have no desire to make a nuisance of myself.

 

There is also the question of the Eucharist. To me, the bread and wine is a part of the physical world, to be enjoyed as such. To you, obviously, they are something uniquely sacred. It is likely that you will not want me to participate in the rite. It seems like the easiest solution is for me to go through the line with the rest of the choir, so that I do not disrupt the service or draw undue attention to myself. Then you would simply not hand me the bread and I would bypass the wine. I would prefer not to receive a blessing at this stage, both because it would imply agreement with beliefs I no longer share and because the pause this creates would draw more attention than I seek. I do like to blend in.

[florduh]

Well, I have no idea what kind of church it is. Are they interested in getting your money or services? Are they hell-bent on saving your soul? I think the appropriate wording hinges on whom you are addressing, and I just don't know their motives.

 

Regardless, my first thought is as a thinking, rational person you have no need to be in a church at all. After all, reformed alcoholics don't continue to hang out in bars because they still like the peanuts.

[Deva]

Sorry to be blunt, but I just wouldn't go there. No e-mails. I can appreciate your wanting to be honest with the clergy, but what would this accomplish?

 

Clergy make their living being clergy. Its their livelihood. How is this going to benefit you? If you send something like this, at a minimum you would probably have to endure an uncomfortable conversation with the priest. He will probably ask you for a meeting in his office or something like that.

 

What would happen if you just left? When I left the church I think I only got two phone calls. I was pretty heavily involved in the church too. I deflected both, without having to explain anything. If it is too painful for you to continue putting up a front, I would simply leave.

 

You may have reached the point where action is necessary. You are not obligated to supply explanations to people, unless you really want to.

[Skeptic]

I agree with florduh and DevaLight. When I stopped going to church, I didn't offer any explanation as to why; I just stopped attending. You don't owe the priest an explanation and it may make the situation worse, not better. You said that you haven't told your family yet. Does anyone in your family go to church with you or know the priest? The first thought that I had was that if the priest knows someone in your family, he may feel compelled to tell them that you're an agnostic. If you want to write your priest a letter explaining what's going on with you, by all means, do, but don't feel that you need to, because you don't.

[Guest ephymeris]

I WOULD NOT send that if I were you. I sent a letter to my church (not informing them of disbelief but asking questions) and it DID NOT go well. They tend to put all the blame on you and treat you like a pariah. I see no need to inform them of your personal decisions in writing, if they ask, just tell them. I don't think they will take kindly to you going through the motions. I could be wrong but I paid a heavy emotional toll for questioning my baptist church leader for NOTHING and I would hate to see you do this to yourself.

[florduh]

Fiddling - I'm guessing you're immersed in the Irish culture, which means pretty much in the death grip of the church. I can see how you might want to continue with the social aspects of the religion. I also think that may not be possible. The good little Catholics may not want to play with the apostate who spits in the face of the Pope. For your sake I hope religion isn't that deeply entwined in your social group.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Kyle]

Yeah, I will add to the head shaking in this thread. I'm very interested in hearing why you want to continue with church. Coming out is one thing, but coming out to the clergy AND staying among them is, well... Just not the way I would handle it.

[Raul]

There's no reason for you to be involved in church activities,it's simple as that.

But I can't take another year of sitting there silently disagreeing with everything and letting everyone around me think I still believe.

Yeah,right,and letting one person know,that you don't is going to make all the difference in the world... Rly?

[FiddlingAround]

Wow. What an overwhelming degree of concensus. You may well be right, and I'll put a hold on all such plans for awhile and think about it further. I'm not completely ruling out the option just yet, though. To provide a little background.

 

No, I'm not Irish. I get asked if I am fairly often, though. I guess I sort of look it, and between that and my interest in the music and the fake accent I picked up singing along with Flogging Molly that often slips out without my intending it to - it's an understandable assumption. The church in question is not Catholic. It's Episcopal, so a lot of the membership runs fairly liberal. The current priest is ex-Baptist, so probably carries around some degree of fundamentalist leanings.

 

Two years ago, when I stopped believing, I considered leaving the church. I decided against it for four reasons (in no particular order)

1. The choir - both the musical opportunity and the people

2. The panic it would create in my family if I stopped going to church (They do not attend with me - they're Baptist - nor do they know the priest; but I'm not going to lie to them about my Sunday morning plans either)

3. At the time the church was going through a hard time. The priest had left two years before after a scandal, they still didn't have a new one, there had been additional turmoil involving the interim priest, I was the only person in the congregation between the ages of 18 and 25, and I didn't want to run out on them until matters had stabilized some

4. My appreciation of the liturgy and the rhythms of the church year

 

Now there's a new priest, people are happy with him and the church is growing, so that rules out #3. #4 went out the window not long after I put it on my list because it turns out these things are only fun if there's some belief behind them. So that leaves #1 and #2, both of which I continue to find compelling.

 

And now we're starting to get into ground I haven't tried to articulate before, even to myself, so bear with me as I try to make sense of it and jump from concept to concept sort of randomly.

 

The church as an institution means nothing to me. But my involvement there does consist of a series of individual relationships that operate only in that context. Because of those relationships, I have the desire to give my relationship to the church as a whole at least the opportunity to continue on an honest level.

 

Christianity isn't going anywhere. It will continue to operate in the culture around me, in my family, in the lives of various acquaintances and friends. I have rejected it, but still have to find productive and healthy ways to interact with it.

 

This letter represents an attempt at both. This particular attempt may not work out. The priest may be completely hostile, it may lead to some uncomfortable interactions. At that point, I will back off. I'm not so invested that I can't simply walk away if things go sour, nor so invested that I would be devastated by a hostile reaction. It would open up a whole new kettle of worms with my family, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

Right now as I see it I have three options:

 

I can keep sitting there week after week, letting them all think I'm one of them and growing more and more resentful. No thanks.

I can simply stop going, and then regret walking out on these people without a word of explanation, because my relationship to them has changed through no fault of their own.

Or I can attempt some honest, open communication, knowing that even if it doesn't work out, when I leave they will at least understand where I'm coming from.

 

I don't think I explained myself very well, but maybe you get the general idea?

[Raul]

2. The panic it would create in my family if I stopped going to church (They do not attend with me - they're Baptist - nor do they know the priest; but I'm not going to lie to them about my Sunday morning plans either)

Why not? I mean,if you want to continue pretending,that you're a believer this is the easiest option.

The church as an institution means nothing to me. But my involvement there does consist of a series of individual relationships that operate only in that context.

But is it worth it? Imho,an individual relationship,that is worth preserving doesn't require you to be a member of the same party/church/e.t.c. ,as the other person.

Christianity isn't going anywhere.

Zeus wasn't going anywhere too.

I can simply stop going, and then regret walking out on these people without a word of explanation, because my relationship to them has changed through no fault of their own.

You don't owe them an explanation. I'm sure they'll figure it out eventually. After all,church isn't a boyscout club or something. It's a place of worship.

[florduh]

Or I can attempt some honest, open communication, knowing that even if it doesn't work out, when I leave they will at least understand where I'm coming from.

 

Why not tell your friends at church that you no longer believe and ask them if they think you should still try to participate?

[Deva]

I was going to ask if it was Episcopal or Roman Catholic, but in the end I decided that didn't matter. I still wouldn't discuss it with the priest.

 

The church service centers around the Eucharist. Personally, if I didn't feel comfortable participating in it, I would not be able to stay.

 

Doesn't it bother you singing hymns with words that you no longer find to be true?

 

Why would the family have to know immediately if you didn't attend? Do you live with them or do they grill you about church every Sunday?

 

My family is Baptist. They were not too keen on my participation in the Episcopal Church when I went there.

 

There is no reason why you couldn't tell some of your friends at the church why you aren't going if you want to. I would avoid doing so, unless you tell them and leave for good, since people gossip and what you say would surely get distorted.

 

I can simply stop going, and then regret walking out on these peoplewithout a word of explanation, because my relationship to them haschanged through no fault of their own.

 

Do this option, except drop the regret and ideas of fault.

[Neon Genesis]

If it's the choir you enjoy participating in, can you possibly try to find a local non-religious choir to join? If it's the church culture you like, have you tried seeing if there's a local Unitarian Universalist church in your area since from what I've heard they also welcome atheists and agnostics as members?

[Guest ephymeris]

I'm not saying you should lie to your church members and/or priest about your status of faith. I for one, feel I get my points across better using written rather than verbal communication. I just wanted to caution you to prevent you from sending WRITTEN information about a subject you may or may not appreciate being torn apart, used against you, twisted into various lies. Many believers may find your new views and desire to just go through the motions so you can reap the benefits of their community and practices to be intensely insulting and they may react accordingly. Could their reactions really damage your livelyhood or physical wellbeing? Probably not, but being turned on by one or more of the community you like and/or trust can cause you a great deal of personal pain and anger...trust me. Just verbally telling those who ask or those you trust should be explanation enough. Sendng a letter...well, it just seems a bit over the top and maybe even a little self important. Should they put it in the weekly bulletin or something?

[♦ nivek ♦]

Fiddlin'.

 

 

Euphy posted very similar to what I ALWAYS post to these kinds of thoughts. She did a lot nicer than I however.

 

"Every fucking thing you fucking say or WORSE commit to paper will fucking be used the fuck against your pitiful fucking body as your soul goes to fucking HELL!"

 

Like interaction with anyone who may or will have legal sanction or interaction with or on you, Shuting The Fuck Up is always a good couse to take.

 

Other folks have patienty said why and what. Few hit on where.

 

The When? will hit you every time you need *something* from a group who knows of you, or about you.

 

Seriously amigo, as a non-believer, you "come out" and do not plan things carefully, or have resources enough not to give a fuck socially, "they" will take your written words and slap you shitless.

 

 

***********

I posted a note to Preacher of a little place I once sat in. As I was sliding off the religious ramp and headed out, thought 'splain'in things to the Preacher would be a good thing. since he was one of those "not a single word in edgewise in any conversation he did not control", the note was it.

 

Bad choice. I had that thing photocopied and in turn sent to anyone that would even think of hiring my ass.

Finally a lawsuit and his death stopped some five years of dickheaded harassment..

 

Won't say you'll have to live with any of above. But remember that notes last forever when archichived...

 

Don't let that shit hang over your life and community you choose to live within.

 

kevinL

[Andy]

I'm trying to imagine sending this letter to the priest where I (used to) go to church. He's a pretty laid back guy and I can't imagine his response being that strong. Things would probably keep going as normal. I don't anything about your priest but if that sounds like the way he might react, I say go for it. It looks like a fine letter to me. Gets the point across without being too confrontational.

 

This is all assuming I can't convince you not to go back at all. That would be the preferred option imo.

[FiddlingAround]

At this point I'm going to take a couple days to think and then re-read the thread...

[Mongo]

At this point I'm going to take a couple days to think and then re-read the thread...

 

Hi Fidd,

 

You really seem bent on doing this. Having your own mind is important in life but I'm glad you have been persuaded to wait.

 

The whole thing might just be that you have social instincts about this that you have not communicated in this thread. If so, and you send the letter, let us know how it works out. But I don't really think that is the case.

 

Generally speaking I am in considerable agreement with what has been said so far. Writing a letter to the clergy is asking for retribution. I'm not however in complete agreement with the naysayers.

 

Sometimes in life we need to push our boundaries. When I was 19 I stupidly quit technicial school even though I was passing just fine. I think needed to do that even though it was dumb. Quitting moved me to another emotional space. School can be learned later but emotional lessons are important too.

 

To put all that simply, you strike me to be like a child who doesn't know that the frying pan is hot and yet can't resist the urge to touch it.

 

You need to think of two things- What you have to lose and what you have to gain.

 

An interaction with the clergy may prove beneficial for you. You would not be the first to engage the (self)righteous religious folks. Many here have done that including me - they are not speaking up.

 

If you choose to go down that path, do it because you want to receive information from them and learn from them. The exchange can be contentious and be prepared for them to find others and socially "gang up" on you. In the midst of my email exchange I was invited to dinner with some of the fundies. I figured it was an intervention so when we sat down I made a joke about that and if they had any intention to pull that on me, they were aware that I came prepared. That is the kind of thing you need to think through when engaging these folks.

 

Do not under any circumstance send a letter because you "owe" them an explanation. I have a suspicion that this is one of your motivations - only you can say. Think that one through to the end. Spouse beaters don't deserve an explanation why their abused spouses leave them. Curates recklessly fuck with our heads and they don't deserve an explanation either. Protect yourself, preserve yourself and give yourself to those who truly value you.

 

If you are playing the role of the victim... stop! If you need help stopping that, get it!

 

Just be aware that if you decide to open a dialog with the clergy then you cannot expect it to be a hearts and flowers discussion. They take anything that affects their paycheque very seriously.

 

Now... if you are trying to find a way of having your cake and eating it too... I can't help you. I don't know how to remain in an xtian church and abandon religion. If you were a child under your parent's roof, I'd most certainly advocate that lying is an acceptable means of self-preservation.

 

Is there a Unitarian church you could go to? They accept everyone including athiests yet they help people preserve the visual signs of spirituality and religious participation that you wish to present to your parents. It would also provide an alternate social environment.

 

Usually I have more to say but I have to run.

 

Oh yes, if you live in a small town or a place where this could come back to haunt you, then read Nivek's post a dozen times.

 

Take care!

 

Mongo

[★ Citsonga ★]

1. The choir - both the musical opportunity and the people

 

Are there any theaters in your area that put on musicals? If so, perhaps you could check into that as an opportunity in music. If you don't feel you can act as well as sing, you could inquire to see if there are some parts that don't require all that much in acting ability.

 

Just a passing thought, anyway....

[HRDWarrior]

Well, I can't tell you what to do, I can only share what I did. Like you, I was somewhat active in our church, I had "friends" there, was part of the women's group, attended pot lucks, was part of the volleyball team - it was my social life. When I deconverted, I simply stopped going. I didn't inform anyone of why, and as far as I know, no one would have any idea that I left for the reasons I did.

 

Guess what - not a SINGLE person has attempted to contact me in nearly two years. There were a couple times I went with my hubby to a study night, and was never questioned - people said hi, chatted, blah, blah, blah, but outside of that building, I may as well have been dead for all they knew. The pastor had been promising to come visit our new house, the women's group was going to set stuff up, the volleyball team - haven't heard a word.

 

Yes, I lost my social life for awhile. It took some time, but I'm slowly starting to build back a bit of social life, through school, newer friends, and a group I found through meetup.com.

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd do what I did again - just stop showing up. You'll probably find you're not as missed as you think you would be - it's sad, really, but unless these people are your friends outside of the church group, they may occasionally wonder where you are, but will dismiss it as soon as the thought occurs. It's a bit of slap at first, but you get over it.

[FiddlingAround]

Well, I have decided to forgo the letter. While the consequences probably wouldn't have been as dire as some of you have experienced, it was still a silly, needless and self-important impulse. Thank you for talking me out of it.

 

I would like to have one more go at explaining myself, because discussing with all of you has made me examine my own motivations much more closely than I would have otherwise - again, thank you. Here's what I think is at the core of it. Feel free to wander away if you're not interested or to

 

For most of my time at this particular church, large segments of it, including most of the leadership, have been liberal to the point of being nearly Unitarian. For the first year after I deconverted I wasn't even particularly uncomfortable attending. The interim's sermons tended to be rather interesting history lessons with a few vague and harmless "love your neighbor" platitudes tossed in.

 

Then a wild card was thrown into the mix: the new priest, an ex-Southern Baptist who preaches about walking with Jesus and bringing people closer to God and has drawn a far more evangelical crowd. I knew there was trouble the first time I saw a woman lifting up her hands in the service. He doesn't say anything overtly fundy, but he doesn't say anything that would reassure those who are afraid of it either.

 

The whole letter-writing fiasco was prompted by a phone call from a woman in the choir (who was also my kindergarten teacher, incidentally) to tell me the date that choir would begin again. Since we had talked some about our concerns about the new priests fundy leanings, she also mentioned that over the summer she had found him to be far less fundy than she had feared and that she had grown to like him quite a bit. I guess I just wanted to test the waters.

 

Also, I really can't just walk away without a word - even though you're right in saying that on a personal level I would hardly be missed - because there is an element of commitment to choir participation. We are expected to show up for rehearsals, and the choir leader likes to be notified when we'll be gone so she can plan a bit based on the size of the group. So at minimum, I would need to talk to her.

 

So, at this point, against everyone's better judgement, I'm not walking away just yet. (I know, I know, I know; cake, have, eat) Instead, I'm going to go back as before, satisfy my need for honesty in conversation with my old teacher and perhaps the choir leader (they both have liberal leanings, I trust them to keep their mouths shut, and if I do walk I want them to have some prior warning) and do a new cost/benefit analysis on the whole deal.

 

Sound a little more sensible?

[Loren]

Sound a little more sensible?

Does to me.

 

Although I haven't chimed in on your thread yet, I have been following it. I just wanted to give you some public respect for being willing to practice genuine and fruitful self-examination. That willingness is something that's sorely lacking in our society and in the "Body of Christ," particularly. When I see it, I see high quality of character. When I don't see it, I see low quality of character.

 

(One of the things which attracts me to the community on this site is the preponderance of members who clearly do have that kind of courage and will.)

[FiddlingAround]

Thanks Loren.

[Guest ephymeris]

Also, I really can't just walk away without a word - even though you're right in saying that on a personal level I would hardly be missed - because there is an element of commitment to choir participation. We are expected to show up for rehearsals, and the choir leader likes to be notified when we'll be gone so she can plan a bit based on the size of the group. So at minimum, I would need to talk to her.

 

So, at this point, against everyone's better judgement, I'm not walking away just yet. (I know, I know, I know; cake, have, eat) Instead, I'm going to go back as before, satisfy my need for honesty in conversation with my old teacher and perhaps the choir leader (they both have liberal leanings, I trust them to keep their mouths shut, and if I do walk I want them to have some prior warning) and do a new cost/benefit analysis on the whole deal.

 

Sound a little more sensible?

 

Sounds like a good idea to me. I wasn't encouraging you to be deceitful, I just didn't want to see you put yourself out there in writing to people who may not take things well. You're right to want to tell those you have commitments or connections too. Sorry if I sounded harsh before, I've just been there and done that to some degree. Good luck!

[FiddlingAround]

Thanks Ephymeris. And you never sounded harsh, just concerned.