My Story

[movingon]

I've been lurking around these forums for a while now. I can honestly say, I never thought I'd reach this day where I was moving on from Christianity. A year ago I was a very strong Christian fundamentalist. I believed the Bible to a "T" and was completely in love with "my Jesus" as I often referred to Him. Well life goes on I guess. I've honestly had questions in the back of my mind for a long time, but I've always pushed them aside. The thing that allowed me to start my questioning of Christianity was a few new friends I had met that allowed me to be myself and voice my struggles on the whole concept without condemning me to hell for it.

 

Anyway, the biggest thing that has influenced my desire to leave Christianity is that about 2 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I did manage to get free, but of all the things that happened, I started seeing similarities between that and my Christian faith and God. God seems to require that you be totally dependent on Him. It seems to reiterate time and again the Bible that we are not worthy of His love, but because He gives us it anyway, we owe Him our lives because of His great love for us. If any human being sat there and told us how unworthy we were, among other things, i think most would feel emotionally abused in some ways. I just couldn't understand how God could be the exception to this "rule" when if it were another human it would be considered an unhealthy relationship at the very least. That's where the questions started.

 

At first I thought it was a horrible thing to be questioning, so i threw myself even more into my faith, got more involved in my religion, hoping not to lose it. Well... that obviously didn't work, because I'm here today. Then starting around January of this year I started really questioning things. If God is there, why are there so many bad things happening in the world. If God is really there, why am I dealing with X and X and why doesn't He care? Yes, I do know everyone has struggles, but really, if we're God's beloved children, then why doesn't He do something about it. As the questions continued to come I started reading site after site like this one, and found that the more I read the more questions I had. Why does the Bible contradict itself so much? It can't even agree on how a person gets "saved". How am I supposed to get into heaven then? Is it some cruel joke, and there really is no way in? Obviously, I do not have all the questions worked out in my mind. The only thing I really know is that I don't know how the Christian God can exist and still allow all that happens today happen, and if He does exist then I'm not sure I want to spend my life following a God that allows his people to be in so much pain so much of their lives.

 

I still struggle from day to day with this decision. My boyfriend is about the only one who is supportive of me in this. He's not a Christian, but is totally supportive of me returning to my faith if I wanted to. The thing is, I don't want to. But sometimes the fear of hell, of how my family will treat me, and many other things gets to me. I consider myself to be more of an agnostic at this point. I think there might be a higher power, but i'm just not sure, and I'm not sure there is a way of knowing. Everyone else I know is a fundamentalist Christian, so I haven't even bothered mentioning my questions to most of them. The one friend I tried to mention it too just threw Bible verses at me, and accused me of not putting enough work into keeping my faith alive. If I were supposed to have this faith, why is it so hard to keep alive? I just don't think I believe it anymore. I've tried multiple times, but it just doesn't stick.

 

So at this point, I'm working on learning to live my life from a new perspective. I've caught myself doing the "right" christian thing to do and praying when an ambulance goes by, and acting the Christian walk because that is what I have been doing my whole life. I think my biggest challenge at this point is taking off the "christian" act I have had my whole life. I have yet to "come out of the closet" on the issue to most of the people I know. It's also challenging but freeing to re-adjust my list of morals from swearing, sex, etc. being the most evil thing in existence, to working on not feeling guilt for doing any of the so called sins I would have previously viewed them as.

 

Thanks for reading, and any advice is appreciated.

[HRDWarrior]

Hello and welcome to ex-c. I'm a relatively recent "official" deconvert as well, although my deconversion has been going on probably since the time I was "saved" (or earlier) as a child. Like you, I had a LOT of questions, and never did get them answered in the church other than the pat answer they like to give that really never answer the question. I have numerous reasons for deconverting, but that's another story.

 

I would recommend reading some of Bart Ehrman's stuff - starting with "Jesus, Interrupted." I'm nearly finished with it myself, and many of the questions I had throughout my entire time as a xian were answered in this book. I look forward to reading more. Although knowing this information probably wouldn't have saved my faith since there are other reasons for my deconversion, it's at least nice to know that there actually are answers to the questions I've always had. The part that really makes me mad, however, is that my pastors (many over the years) probably knew these answers and simply refused to share them - for what reason, I have no clue. Just another reason I'm glad to be out of it.

 

Good luck in your journey, I won't say that's it's always easy, but I know I'm at peace at least with myself.

[Shawn Truesdell]

Hi & Welcome. You are taking the first steps on a long journey that is often hard, but in the end very rewarding. I can suggest a lot of reading for you that helped me, there are some good books out there and some good sites. Do a search for "The Red headed skeptic" her blog about her journey away from faith as a ministers wife is a very inspiring one. I can also suggest the books Jesus Interrupted by Bart Ehrman, Letter to a Christian Nation and the End of Faith, both by Sam Harris. There other good ones too, some very classic ones like the Rights of Man by Thomas Paine and Some Mistakes of Moses by Robert G. Ingersoll. If anything they provide you with speaking points and lots of ammo to back up your new found "belief".

 

The family is always a hard thing to deal with and I wish I could offer you advice. I have not formally told my family, apart from one sister (who herself is agnostic) that I am an Atheist. Most of my family is staunchly Christian, one brother is a youth minister, another sister is as fundamentalist as they come and the others aren't far off the mark. My dad is the only sane one, seeing the errors, the hypocrisy and evil in the bible, but he still believes in the good of it. He is open minded though and if not for 57 years of being told what to believe it is very likely he would be agnostic or atheist himself.

 

I am sure my family suspects, how could they not. I am open on Facebook with my postings of quotes from Atheist writers and using a Robert G. Ingersoll quote as my "Religion" - "Religion cannot reform mankind because religion is slavery". I have been told by my family many times to stop posting such things as it is insulting to their beliefs. As I believe in free speech I tell them to deal with it. I know my mother once told my wife, who is atheist, that she would die if she found out I had lost my faith. My mother later lost it when she found out my wife is actually atheist herself. What really scares me is that my wife and I are about to have our first child and we are in agreement that we will not be indoctrinating our children. We will, when they are old enough, teach them about all religions and let them ask questions and so on, but we will not force them down any one path. We will put science and reason at the forefront of their education. There will be no baptism, no circumcision, no christening and so on. But I know that this is going to cause all sorts of issues with my family. Particularly my mother and brother since they are the only ones that live near by. My brother puts so much emphasis on his kids religious education that their real education seems very lacking. I refuse to let that happen. I guess when the time comes I will have to put my foot down and tell them all that maters of religion are my wife and I's domain and if they interfere, in anyway, they will not be allowed to see our children without our supervision.

 

Anyway I do wish you the best of luck in your de-conversion. It is not easy, but in the end the world is a better place, you can live every day with a better understanding and acceptance of the world around you!