Aliix Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 In the midst of a heated rhetorical debate on the “sanctity of marriage”, I, with a stern glaze, proclaimed loudly with conviction “Those Christians who accept homosexual behavior aren’t real Christians! Anyone who reads the Bible knows this!”. The entire class grew into silence, absorbing my point thoroughly. Internally, I was in a state of emotional fervor, every particle of my being burning with an unbridled passion for the Bible, I would accept nothing less than absolute victory in my crusade for God. Even in a predominantly secular and scholarly environment, I maintained an aura of self-righteousness in my mind which I exuded without shame. The intensity of this moment serves as an excellent representation of the ideology which dominated every facet of my life years ago. Woven deep within the chasms of my consciousness was the almost militant belief in Christian doctrine. Feeling extremely passionate on social issues was simply one manifestation of this arrogant philosophy. Anyone who would dare bring a viewpoint up which was explicitly contrary to the Bible, I would immediately become defensive and begin arguing with them. I would consistently characterize those who held views which were opposed to Christianity to be evil(or clueless); especially those who advocated these positions in public policy. To be concise, I was a political Christian, devout to the point where I preached minute-sermons occasionally at my church for certain events. This simplistic view of the world soothed my inner ego and provided me with an irrational mental luxury of comfort. I also, because of my militancy, found myself uttering destructive and radical thoughts all the time in order to increase my faith or to dissuade myself from coming to conclusions which ran contrary to it. I remember in one particular instance, that I stated to myself with absolute certainty that "I would rather kill myself than be atheist or gay". I also went out of my way to blatantly criticize and disagree with those of different orientations or faiths. To describe me as bigoted or intolerant, at this point in time, would be accurate in numerous ways. It was extremely late at night when the first breakthrough occurred. In the myriad of debates regarding faith I had within certain online communities, normally I could find solace in either denying the conclusions of others or by constantly returning to the Bible. In this instance, however, I became extremely insecure because I knew, rationally, that the arguments against my faith were not only valid, but logically sound as well. I broke down and began to panic in desperation, I pleaded with myself that I remain firm in my beliefs and to simply revert back to Christianity because I wished to be saved. It felt as though the world, as I knew it, was slipping away. Honesty and integrity prevailed, though, and it was through this newly found sincerity that a fact I had suppressed for numerous years about myself turned my world upside down. I was not straight myself. Echoes of my past criticisms rang inside of my mind, I began to recall the harsh words which I condemned others with. An overpowering fear invaded my mind and many questions raced through my head. "Who can I talk to about this?, "What will people think?", "Does God hate me?", and many more frequently occupied my thoughts. I had become the very thing which I detested so avidly and was now a victim of the very ideology I once zealously propagated. Frightened because of what I had been programmed with, I began extensive research into sexuality and realized that from a rational, scientific perspective that there was indeed nothing wrong with the way I was. Although the concept of Hell dominated my thoughts and created fear in my mind for a quite a while, this was progress! From this point, I initiated an honest evaluation of the Bible for any logical foundations; approaching faith from an objective viewpoint rather than a from a blindly dogmatic one. In the end, I found almost no rational basis in Christianity and eventually, with the help of others online I was able to overcome my fear of Hell and convert away from my religion entirely. One of the best moments in my life was when I, for the first time, was able to state proudly to myself "I am free from religion!". In fact, every time I hear this phrase in my mind, it is followed by a genuine smile and a refreshing feeling of respite. Instead of following an archaic book for guidance, I can be good for the sake of being good and ultimately work for the betterment of all people instead of for a non-existent deity. Perhaps even more liberating than this is the thought that I cannot forgive away my malevolent actions, so that I need to take full responsibility for them, and that I only have one life(rather than eternal life), so that it should be used to help others. Now I follow Humanism and find it exponentially more redeeming than Christianity, with it's central doctrine being benevolence for all of humanity. I, to this day, haven't explained this to any member of my family or church. I struggle with my urge to be entirely honest versus my need for acceptance within my family and community. I also have difficulty accepting that there is no supernatural truth at times. And there are moments where I still feel a brief, intense fear of Hell, but I now have the knowledge to combat such superstition. Ultimately, the conversion from militant Christianity to agnostic humanism has lead to a vastly more fulfilling life and I now am more confident in myself. Certainly, I would never kill myself over my nature or disbelief in Christianity; if anything, I celebrate them everyday by engaging in intellectual exploration to a degree which was not formerly possible. Thank you for reading, -Aliix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Welcome to the forums, Aliix! I enjoyed reading your well-written testimony. Congratulations on all those breakthroughs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aliix Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 Welcome to the forums, Aliix! I enjoyed reading your well-written testimony. Congratulations on all those breakthroughs! Thank you, I really appreciate your encouragement! I unfortunately forgot to include in my original post that I sincerely wish I could find those whom I condemned and apologize for my ignorance. I have searched for them quite a bit, yet to no avail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FiddlingAround Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Aliix, you're quite a writer. Can't wait to see what else you've got to say. Welcome to the board! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OpheliaGinger Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Aliix, you're quite a writer. Can't wait to see what else you've got to say. Welcome to the board! He definitely has skill there. I wouldn't be surprised if he is one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Welcome, Aliix! I praise the Lard that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him magically caused you to find these glorious forums! Bless the Name of the Holy Farter! Very glad you found your way free! Enjoy your stay here! Glory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brought None Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Welcome to the forums Aliix. Enjoy your stay here. What church background are you, if I may ask? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aliix Posted August 23, 2009 Author Share Posted August 23, 2009 Welcome to the forums Aliix. Enjoy your stay here. What church background are you, if I may ask? I originate from the Presbyterian denomination, although, unlike the majority of the denomination, the church I attend is extremely conservative. I also wish to thank you all for your generous praise of my writing. Lately, I have been writing on the topic of Islam and I am very interested in the Middle East because of the horrible oppression of the people residing there. In any case, I am very relieved to have stumbled upon this forum, as it is a place where I can share my true thoughts on the world. Again, thank you for welcoming me so warmly here. I hope to post quite a bit in the free time I do have (I am attending university right now). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 What a fascinating story. I found myself riveted. You are indeed a good writer. Hope to have you around for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Welcome to the site! That's an amazing story which gives me hope for others. Do you think debating with atheists helped your deconversion or did your pride get in the way? Do you find yourself debating, or wanting to, humanism's points with the fervor you once had? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Welcome to the forums, Aliix. How brave of you to so nakedly write about your arrogant self-of-the-past. Very impressive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aliix Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Welcome to the site! That's an amazing story which gives me hope for others. Do you think debating with atheists helped your deconversion or did your pride get in the way? Do you find yourself debating, or wanting to, humanism's points with the fervor you once had? Most definitely, debating with atheists was essential to it. Although it also had to do with overcoming quite a bit of irrational comfort and pride as well. Secondly, I am having a huge amount of trouble discovering a new morality, I often debate and reflect on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shyone Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Secondly, I am having a huge amount of trouble discovering a new morality, I often debate and reflect on this. You will find that your morality is the same. You know right from wrong by 1) parental teachings, 2) experiences, 3) law and 4) instinct. Read the Old Testament (start anywhere), decide whether God's actions were moral or immoral and think about why you feel that way. When you understand why you know what is right or wrong with His actions, you will know better the source of your own morality. There are some external standards; friends, relatives, rules, law, etc. Ultimately, the decision about how to act is yours, but decisions carry consequences. There is nothing wrong with adopting the personal rules you find useful like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - Ethics of Reciprocity - http://www.religioustolerance.org/reciproc.htm It's all about civilization and learning to work together, live together and enjoy life without hurting others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midnight-mindwanderings Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I think generally morality starts with not harming others. Then the term "harm" can be picked apart forever, but the basic idea is expressing your freedoms and individuality in a way that doesn't cause harm or infringe on the rights of other people. The idea of personal responsibility, reasoning the consequences of our actions etc, go along with that too. Morality is subjective in that it is made for human beings to interact peaceably with one another. Its also too complex for any one set of exact rules or absolutes to be sufficient in every circumstance. I guess its a work in progress for everyone as we confront new situations. I had to deconstruct my idea of morality in order to move fully past the guilt complex embedded in my conscience. Never felt truly free of Christianity until I accomplished that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShallowByThyGame Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 What is moral is a subjective concept, but there are some simple ideas like 'take whatever action harms the least', 'mind your own business' and 'take responsibility for your actions' etc. You will, and probably always have, use the ideas every day to judge which action you should take. The mere act of contemplating morality before an action, in my opinion, gives a high percentage that the action will be good. I theorize that most 'bad' people don't allow themselves to reflect on what they are doing, or do not fully understand the consequences. But even when you were a christian, you probably didn't consult the bible for every moral decision. After all, the bible can justify a lot of things. So when you picked and chose which parts of the bible to follow, you were exercising your own subjective morality without even knowing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRDWarrior Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Hi and welcome to the forums! What a great testimony, it's always encouraging to hear that someone who was so ingrained with the feelings of chritianity could eventually see through all the crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franko47 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 It certainly was interesting to read your testimony, especially from one who was formally extremely steeped in the conviction of it all. I sometimes wonder when I have little run-ins with the "devout", just how far they really are from being affected by rational and mature argument; or whether or not they are forever in the grip of what is an extremely powerful belief system; although at times I would use the word "psychosis". It will seem odd at first to be the architect of your own morality and principles; and that you no longer need guidance from mythical and anceint conceptualism. But things will fall into place, and this time it will all make sense. There will be no more instances of being "perplexed" by God's "strange methods", nor having to rationalize Old Testament brutality and ruthlessness. At this forum we get around to pretty well talking about anything conceivable in regards to religion and reality, so I hope you will enjoy your stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aynalhub Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Now I follow Humanism and find it exponentially more redeeming than Christianity, with it's central doctrine being benevolence for all of humanity. Bravo, by the way. It's amazing how you can change when you realize that nothing is worth living with the cognitive dissonance that following ANYthing creates in an individual. I remember still being afraid of Hell...how amazing it is once you wrap your head around how the very idea came about and it all dissolves away. There is nothing better! I would caution you, out of my own experience, not to put too much faith into another system as a replacement...I'm sure some would disagree with me but in my personal opinion, doing something in order to participate in some -ism, rather than acting naturally and directly, can be as damaging to the natural self as Christianity. Don't let anyone think for you, even if you agree with everything they say. I know, boring sermon. You'll be less likely to fall back into doublethink that way, though. Again, this is just my experience. May you find incredible fulfillment in the coming years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qec Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Wisely done Mr. Freeman, I will see you up ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qec Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Welcome to the site! That's an amazing story which gives me hope for others. Do you think debating with atheists helped your deconversion or did your pride get in the way? Do you find yourself debating, or wanting to, humanism's points with the fervor you once had? Most definitely, debating with atheists was essential to it. Although it also had to do with overcoming quite a bit of irrational comfort and pride as well. Secondly, I am having a huge amount of trouble discovering a new morality, I often debate and reflect on this. Honestly Aliix, I read your entire testimony, and my advice is to give it a lot of time. Think long and hard and you will come up with a system of morality that works for you, but it takes time. Especially in your case it will take more time because you had all the premises fleshed out for you in such a manner that you were only ever left with the possibility of validating unsound arguments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dB-Paradox Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ultimately, the conversion from militant Christianity to agnostic humanism has lead to a vastly more fulfilling life and I now am more confident in myself. That's it for me, too. I find I'm more accepting of people now than I was before. I feel happier! Welcome here and I hope you enjoy it here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest I Love Dog Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 At this forum we get around to pretty well talking about anything conceivable in regards to religion and reality, so I hope you will enjoy your stay. I have to comment that as a "newbie" to this site I am amazed at the respect that everyone seems to afford others. I have stopped going to some sites and forums because of the abuse, disrespect and foul language that pervades the postings. I'm a long-time atheist, but because I'm an atheist doesn't mean that I have no morals, no respect for others and have to use foul language! Keep it nice, guys. I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Non-Redneck Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Paradox-db3 and I Love Dog, I have a similiar attitude. Since I left Xianity, I've become a lot less judgmental towards people. I can still feel the Catholic/Fundie programming within me sometimes, but I actively suppress it. After leaving the religion, I became repulsed by the judgmental attitude that Xtianity had on me and how I had treated people. In accordance with my new attitude of treating people like human beings, I dropped the judgmental attitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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