Advice,

[Skepticaldude541]

So I'm going to get a little personal here and tell you a boring story so that you can, hopefully, give me some advice.

 

Over the last year, me and a girl from the church I attend (for her sake) have developed a very serious and intimate relationship. All along the way it was disapproved of by her parents, especially her mother. 3 weeks or so before my deconversion her parents found out some interesting facts about the relationship my girlfriend and I have. Her mother immediately severed all contact between me and my girlfriend outside of church and effectively locked her up inside her house. Over the next 3 weeks leading to my deconversion I began to heavily question my beliefs, etc. (That is all in my testimony I posted here) Anyway, the situation with her control freak mother hasn't improved much. My girlfriend is still unable to talk to me, though she does secretly. She has lots of questions about her faith and doubts but is unable to get anywhere with them because of her mother's iron grip. (No access to books, resources, people to talk to, etc.) If it were to be known that I am no longer a Christian, her parents would do everything in their power to keep me from ever seeing her again. (Which basically means they would try like hell for 2 years until my girlfriend is 18) It is getting harder and harder to hide the fact that I'm not Christian because I can't stand to pretend to be someone that believes such ignorance. My girlfriend and I are committed to a long relationship, and we refuse to let her parents break us apart with their games. My fear is, essentially, that the shit is going to hit the fan and her parents, along with whoever the hell else wants to go on their holy crusade, will step up their efforts to break us up and will increase the amount of excrement they try to shove down my girlfriend's throat. I'm unsure on how to act right now. I'm not talking to much of anybody and trying to keep my beliefs quiet. The advice I'm looking for is more just someone who can relate, and give me some encouragement, maybe a few pointers on how to deal with control freak parents and zealots. Thanks to anyone who posts.

[Guest Davka]

A couple of questions:

 

- "Intimate" as in sexual?

 

- How old are you?

 

One thing you need to be aware of is your legal standing, as well as your girlfriend's legal standing. Like it or not, she is a minor and her parents have legal rights and responsibilities concerning her. If you are 18 or over and engaging in sexual activity with a minor, that is a crime in many states. And not just any crime, it's a sex crime, which could label you a sex offender for life.

 

I can't really give any more helpful advice until I get the answers to those two questions. I'm sorry you two are going through such hell right now.

[ShallowByThyGame]

One thing to keep in mind is if you come out, will your gf suffer?

 

you two can either lie low, or rebel completely.

 

The first would probably be status quo...waiting until she is 18, and bitching on these boards about stupid parents. The second would involve your gf challenging her parents by sneaking out, using civil disobedience, and calling the cops if they abuse her. Without knowing these characters firsthand, it's impossible for me to judge though.

 

Also you are young, and your ideas of love are naive by definition. A true relationship goes beyond youthful lust and romance, it sustains with no expectations and no promises, and with complete trust. I'm only saying this to play devil's advocate, but you will have to allow for the possibility that she will grow tired of wanting to be with you, or vice versa, and that is ok. You may think that impossible, but I've seen enough breakups to be sobered by reality.

[florduh]

She's SIXTEEN. A minor child.

 

'nuf said.

[RabbleRabble]

Ugh. You story really gets to me. I was in a very similar situation at around the same age as your girlfriend. Soooooo similar. A close male friend who was a couple of years older than me. A deepening intimate (non-sexual) relationship with lots of discussion about religion and life matters. Parents who hated the boy. And eventually leading to a complete crackdown.

 

I wish I had good advice for you. It may just boil down to your personal convictions.

 

Her parents will most likely break your relationship completely if they find more to object about. Please do not look down on the girl if she decides to cave. Prolonged parental pressure and discipline with the promise of more for years to come is enough to make most crack. Of course that could just be me trying to justify the path I took.

 

Consider whether it would be possible for you to humble yourself before her asshole parents and ask them what you can do to play by their rules and keep the relationship going. You could try apologizing for whatever behavior they most dislike. They'll probably enjoy that, congratulate themselves, and speak to you condescendingly, but that may be what it takes to keep your relationship. If you can play nice for a couple years and still want her then you can escape together.

 

That's really all I can think of. You can try the disobedience route that Shallow mentioned, but that's pretty risky. Her parents sound pretty authoritarian. I know my own would have taken the "tough love" approach in such a situation.

 

Good luck

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

Well, my husband and I started dating when he was 15 and I was 16. And we've been together for 6 years now. So it is possible despite youth. He was with me through the absolute worst time of my life and got me through it. Sometimes withstanding major conflicts together can make your relationship mature and grow stronger. But I also agree that many times it does not. It sucks that when you are under 18 you do not have a say in your religion. You will probably have to tone down your feelings for her but I recommend keeping contact as much as possible unless it causes her further problems. Always talk about what you both want so you are on the same page. If it gets too hard, maybe a temporary separation can be best and you can start up again when she's escaped their control.

[PaulQ]

She's only 16. I suggest you allow her time to mature. If her parents become overbearing, she will learn to resent them; it's human nature. By the time she's 22, she might be old enough for a committed relationship; but surely not at 16.

[monkeygirl]

I'm assuming you are both 16ish. So she HAS to live with her parents, unless there is abuse going on. Any other options will limit her options for her future. You didn't say if you parents are christians and will mind your deconversion. If they are, I would definitely keep it on the down low until you can get out on your own at 18 or after they pay for college . If they aren't I would still keep it quite from her parents just in case they ever let you guys be together again. If you really care about her you should act in her best interest and unless there is some abuse going on there her best interest would be staying in good standing with her parents. That's my opinion.

 

 

 

Now my personal experience advice. I started dating my husband when I was 17. We got married when i was 19 and we've been married for 9 years and have an awesome 3 year old son. Now I love my life with them but I look back now and realize how YOUNG and NAIVE I was at 19 (heck at 23)I also know I missed out on a lot of young independent fun!!!!

[Skepticaldude541]

Quiet a variety of answers. I noticed a lot of the same old "you don't understand love" or "you can't build a real relationship" bullshit that is peddled by very religious people is also present here.

 

To answer a few questions and clear up a few things,

 

1. We are both 16.

 

2. Intimate as in pseudo-sexual. That's all you need to know.

 

3. My parents are Christians but are much more lax than her's.

 

4. Our plan for a long time has been to just put up with them for a while until we don't have to deal with them.

 

5. I did meet with her parents a while back and tried to resolve the situation which helped things a little bit.

 

6. I don't intend to let anyone know about my beliefs, but gossip seems to spread things around fast, and already her parents have suspicions.

 

7. Let it be known that she had a bad relationship with her parents before she met me and their reactions to our relationship have only made it far worse.

 

8. We have been through quite a bit of crap together. There is no need for me to go into detail.

 

Not quite sure why I made this thread, I haven't been able to get my thoughts out anywhere but on this forum lately. So bear with me, I was hoping to get into this community and make some bonds with people.

 

Thanks to everyone who replied.

[Guest Davka]

Ok, on the legal front: Any contact between any part of one person's body and the sexual organ of another person's body is legally sex. But since you're both 16, it's not a case of statutory rape, so at least you don't have to worry about prosecution. Enough about that.

 

There is, unfortunately, little you can do except wait it out. The worst possible thing you could do is meet secretly behind her parents' back. They will eventually find out, and there will be hell to pay.

 

As for you being to young to know what love is - I disagree. Love at 16 is just as "real" as it gets. You're too young to really "get" the implications of a long-term committed relationship, but that's just because you have to go there to understand. Like many things in life, understanding in your head is not the same as living through it. But I remember all too well what it was like to be 16 and in love. It's just as real as love at 25 or 35 or even 50. Love is love, it's the long difficult job of making a relationship work over time that makes us old geezers think we know something you don't know. And we do: we know that keeping the fires burning after the infatuation has run it's course takes work. But you'll learn that in time.

 

The cold hard reality is that you're not legally in charge of your own life yet, and neither is she. Try to plan "group dates" if you want to be together and reassure her parents that you're not groping each other in the back seat. Much as it seems impossible, any sexual activity might have to be put on hold for a while. Continuing to see each other behind her parents' back would risk getting her moved away or sent to boarding school. You would feel like crap if you were responsible for something like that happening.

 

I know it feels like forever right now, but 2 years is not all that long. Find something constructive to keep your brain occupied. Blow your parents away by getting killer grades at school. Don't let your situation become all-consuming. Life is more than love.

 

There's also beer, and chocolate.

[monkeygirl]

Quiet a variety of answers. I noticed a lot of the same old "you don't understand love" or "you can't build a real relationship" bullshit that is peddled by very religious people is also present here.

 

To answer a few questions and clear up a few things,

 

1. We are both 16.

 

2. Intimate as in pseudo-sexual. That's all you need to know.

 

3. My parents are Christians but are much more lax than her's.

 

4. Our plan for a long time has been to just put up with them for a while until we don't have to deal with them.

 

5. I did meet with her parents a while back and tried to resolve the situation which helped things a little bit.

 

6. I don't intend to let anyone know about my beliefs, but gossip seems to spread things around fast, and already her parents have suspicions.

 

7. Let it be known that she had a bad relationship with her parents before she met me and their reactions to our relationship have only made it far worse.

 

8. We have been through quite a bit of crap together. There is no need for me to go into detail.

 

Not quite sure why I made this thread, I haven't been able to get my thoughts out anywhere but on this forum lately. So bear with me, I was hoping to get into this community and make some bonds with people.

 

Thanks to everyone who replied.

 

 

 

 

I wish you would be a little more open minded to peoples opinions on age. I'm 28 now and like I said earlier I got married at 19. I didn't want to listen to anyone about "how young" I was. I'm by no means saying that relationships can't work when they start at young ages. I'm living proof that it can! But my advice and the advice I will give to my son is that you will do so much changing and learn so many different life lessons in the next 7-8 years and meet so many different people that it may be nice to have your options open and enjoy those years independently. That's all. Its your choice.

 

 

It sounds like a really sucky situation. I wish things would be easier for you two especially since it sounds like you depend on each other. I wish you good luck and congrats on thinking for yourself!

[★ Citsonga ★]

Ok, on the legal front: Any contact between any part of one person's body and the sexual organ of another person's body is legally sex. But since you're both 16, it's not a case of statutory rape, so at least you don't have to worry about prosecution. Enough about that.

 

I would add, though, that if you (Skepticaldude541) continue the relationship, and if you turn 18 while she is still 17, then you should probably back off until she turns 18. Otherwise, there's a good chance that you could be prosecuted and tagged for life as a sex offender. You may actually want to check into your particular state's laws, though, as the age may be different, but 18 seems to be the most common figure.

[ShackledNoMore]

I wish I could say otherwise, but I think your concerns are well founded.

 

I've read many times of those your age having difficulties with their parents over their deconversions, and it's a tough, tough matter because they are minors, under their parents' roof, and not yet in a position to go at it on their own.

 

Such is the case with your girlfriend. You're both 16, and in the domain of your relationship your girlfriend, you're totally sucked into the situation her parents are trying to cultivate. She's a minor, highly under their control, and in all likelihood they will not start to approve of you, and if the main impetus of their feelings toward you are their concerns about your not believing in a fictitious god, there is nothing you can do to change that without faking xian zeal, not something I would do even if I had not "come out." If I were in your shoes, I would probably do much the same as you, simply not talk much about my beliefs, do the best you can, and live with the reality of your girlfriend's family situation. Other than that, just be polite and well mannered, which gives her parents less of an excuse to try to justify breaking all hell loose. I hope all goes as well as possible.

[PaulQ]

You're 16, and she's 16. You both still have a lot to learn.

 

Focus on your own future, and so should she.

 

You're talking about two f'kin years. If you really honestly believe you'll be spending the rest of your lives together, then 2 years will be piddly squat. If it's truly meant to be, she'll be there waiting for you when she's 18, and it will be much more sweeter then than it is now.

[Franko47]

When I was your age.....

 

 

Actually when I was 16 I was in love with a girl from a different "ethnic" group. She liked me a lot, but her parents put a stop to it. And her parents actually liked me. But, that's the way it goes. It isn't always necessarily a religious angle.

 

Another girl I was seeing around that time did have a religious problem; she was Roman Catholic. Again, her parents liked me, but...........

 

Since you're not necessarily up against ethnic, cultural, or even severe religious differences, you're best bet is to try to maybe talk in a measured and mature fashion with her parents. If they think you're an OK guy, you might be able to swing this deal back your way. Good luck.

[PaulQ]

Seriously though, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have wasted my teenage years trying to get serious with any girl. I'd have fun for sure, date and screw (with protection) and whatnot, but I'd be more focused on what I'd want to be by 24 because you know, after 24 things stop being cool all of a sudden. I say go out, have fun, be cool while you can, focus on your own future, and when you're 24, that's when you want to hook up with this girl and think about stuff like starting a family.