I Am Sick Of Addicts!

[noob]

I seem to be surrounded by people with addiction problems. There was time in my life when I was consumed with helping them. I gave to the point that every area of my life suffered. I came close to destroying myself financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and still I tried to give more.

 

One by one, I have been freeing myself from them. I first reached the point of no return with my younger sister. I gave and gave to her until I finally realized that nothing I could ever do would be enough to help. I established boundaries and virtually removed her from my life.

 

Next, I had to put up barriers to protect myself from my older nephew and his family. They were more of a financial and emotional drain, and again, I had to reach a point where I could say no more.

 

Now, I am rapidly getting to the same place with my nephew that I raised as a son and with my husband. My nephew is a drug addict and my husband is addicted to alcohol or a variety of substitutes when he is sober. Several years ago, I did put some boundaries in place with my nephew, but because I love him so much, I am afraid I still enable him to a certain degree. I have not lived with my husband for over three years, but I have continued to allow him to be a huge source of emotional pain and mental anguish.

 

I am exhausted and now find myself, not exactly wishing they were dead, but certainly imagining life without them. This frightens me. It seems cold and unfeeling and makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. These are people that I once loved more than I loved life itself. Now, although I really wish them no harm, I do not want to continue trying to deal with them and their addictions. I want to be left alone.

 

I know each one of us is responsible for our own survival and happiness. And I am perfectly willing to accept that responsibility for my own life. But why do I feel so wrong and so guilty for expecting other people to accept responsibility for their lives? As I typed this, my nephew called and asked if he could use my car tomorrow morning to drive to the methadone clinic. I don’t trust him and I don’t like him driving my car, yet I did not tell him no.

 

How do you know when and where to draw the line? When is help simply help and when is it enabling? How do you continue to love someone and yet refuse to be there for them? How do you know when it is time to sever all contact and refuse all help? Does it really have to reach that point? And finally, will I feel guilty if I turn my back and something bad happens to them?

 

I know there are no simple answers, but I have found so much wisdom and compassion here, I thought I would put it out and ask for feedback.

 

Thanks for reading. Just typing it felt good!

[Shyone]

 

Thanks for reading. Just typing it felt good!

Let me say first that I understand your situation. I've lived with addicts and alcoholics, but that doesn't mean I really know what to do.

 

I will suggest, however, that you consider setting limits or conditions on help. Never enable them by buying them the substance of preference, at least knowingly.

 

Conditions you could set might include: Get into rehab within (a time), or never come back to me for anything. Get a job withing (a time) or go elsewhere to borrow money.

 

If that seems severe, then it may not pertain to your circumstances. I would suggest then that you look at some "tough love" options.

 

You can't be the answer to all of their needs, even if you want to be. I'm pretty sure you've already reached your limit.

[agnosticator]

Hi noob,

 

I am commenting because your dilemma reminds me of what I went through. I didn't have to deal with relatives who had addictions, but who had severe emotional problems and issues that sucked the life out of everyone around them. My sister in-law and mother in-law were draining me and my wife emotionally and financially. My wife is now my ex because she also had emotional problems that surfaced during the marriage, but that's another long story.

 

After giving, giving, and giving while they took, I finally came to the point you are at. I had to persuade my wife to cut the ties with her family. It hurt me terribly because I had just about raised my niece for a couple of years (she lived with us), and I loved her like my own. But I was getting tired of one-sided relationships.

 

When my niece was old enough, she left home because her mother was driving her crazy too. I decided to divorce, and now looking back, I understand I made the right decision for my niece and myself. In retrospect,I never should have married her. I met her through the church, which was another blunder of mine (becoming a born again christian). But live and learn! I only wish I followed my "gut" rather than Jesus.

 

You are the only one who can truly assess your situation. You WILL feel guilty if you cut the ties because you truly care about them. At the same time, deep down you know what you should do for yourself if you can no longer take it. If they don't appreciate you and all you do, they don't deserve your kindness. To continue being their doormat is so christian!

I may be wrong, though. You know better than me. But it sounds like your life is out of balance. I wish you the best.

 

DISCLAIMER:

If what I said is of no help to you, I never posted this! It was my Doppelganger!

[florduh]

You're just too nice. Learn a few tips from some of the assholes you know. I can teach you to not be nice!

[Loren]

I am exhausted and now find myself, not exactly wishing they were dead, but certainly imagining life without them. This frightens me. It seems cold and unfeeling and makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. These are people that I once loved more than I loved life itself. Now, although I really wish them no harm, I do not want to continue trying to deal with them and their addictions. I want to be left alone.

I have a fair amount of experience with addictions and the attendant behaviors, both my own and those around me. I've spent enough time in the recovery communities to have learned some pretty solid basics. So let me be clear about this:

There is nothing wrong with you!!! (Notice how I even underlined the exclamation points? I did that just for you.)

 

The worst that I could say is wrong with you is that you care very deeply and have yet to assimilate the disciplines of setting and sticking with boundaries and learning to trust your own instincts and wisdom more. I can't even say that you need to learn more than perhaps you already know about boundaries, because it seems clear to me that you already know what boundaries to set, you just have a hard time doing it. You know what ones to set, you just haven't done it enough for it to be a more solid discipline.

 

Of course you're exhausted. Jesus Fucking Christ! That, "cold, unfeeling," feeling isn't you being cold, it's a sign that you've used up your reserves and beyond. A person who's given every last drop of blood is going to feel bloodless, aren't they? Of course they will.

 

I'm no longer in the recovery community due to many (But not all.) of the same reasons I'm no longer a Christian, but I certainly took a number of very wise, workable tools away with me, and I use them to this day. One of them was, "Progress, not perfection."

 

If you beat yourself up over this stuff, then perhaps that little phrase might be a good thing for you to keep in mind.

 

Thanks for reading. Just typing it felt good!

Sometimes, just making a decision and taking action on it, even if it's a little thing, can have remarkable healing and restorative powers. Even if it's just telling others what's on your mind.

[noob]

Let me say first that I understand your situation. I've lived with addicts and alcoholics, but that doesn't mean I really know what to do.

 

I will suggest, however, that you consider setting limits or conditions on help. Never enable them by buying them the substance of preference, at least knowingly.

 

Conditions you could set might include: Get into rehab within (a time), or never come back to me for anything. Get a job withing (a time) or go elsewhere to borrow money.

 

If that seems severe, then it may not pertain to your circumstances. I would suggest then that you look at some "tough love" options.

 

You can't be the answer to all of their needs, even if you want to be. I'm pretty sure you've already reached your limit.

 

Thank you for replying. I really do know the answer. I just don't like it. I've read enough and been through enough to know there is nothing I can do to change their addictive behaviors. All I can do is protect myself from them. And I am getting better at taking care of myself in spite of the fact that I struggle with guilt whenever I put myself first. I wrote a letter to my nephew several years ago and I let him know what I would and wouldn't do for him. I think it's time to revisit and update that letter. Thank you for reminding me of it. I really appreciate the feedback.

[noob]

 

You are the only one who can truly assess your situation. You WILL feel guilty if you cut the ties because you truly care about them. At the same time, deep down you know what you should do for yourself if you can no longer take it. If they don't appreciate you and all you do, they don't deserve your kindness. To continue being their doormat is so christian!

 

I may be wrong, though. You know better than me. But it sounds like your life is out of balance. I wish you the best.

 

DISCLAIMER:

If what I said is of no help to you, I never posted this! It was my Doppelganger!

 

First, I am sorry that you had to go through such a difficult time with your wife and her family. But, I am happy for you that it is in the past!

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I do know what I have to do. Not just for myself, but in the case of my nephew I need to do it for him. He is going to be thirty years old in December and he still lives with my sister and acts like a teenager. She has reached her limit, and as much as it breaks my heart to see him this way, I need to make it very clear that he is not going to live with me if she kicks him out. I did my time with him and I will not go there again!

 

Believe it or not, as out of balance as my life appears, I am actually happier and less anxious than I have ever been. I have been dealing with a lot over the last couple of years, but I am making progress and shedding destructive behaviors. This issue is one of the most difficult things that I have to deal with, but just writing about it and reading the responses makes me feel like I can cope. Thank you, agnosticator! No need for your Doppelganger this time around!

[noob]

You're just too nice. Learn a few tips from some of the assholes you know. I can teach you to not be nice!

 

And here I was thinking I was doing really well with the asshole lessons!

 

Seriously, you and I both know that without your moral support and friendship, I would not even be aware that I was being emotionally abused. Thank you. I think with awareness comes healing.

 

My hope is that by the time I reach your age, I'll be a mega asshole, just like you!!! You are the best!

[HRDWarrior]

You know, the closer you are to a situation, the harder it is to set those boundries, even if you know that's what you should do. I think of my brother as an example - he still is a taker, addictive behaviors both physically (some drug use, lots of alcohol) and mentally (lazy, can't hold down a job, horrible temper, etc). He KNOWS what is right, he can tell you exactly what he should be doing - he just won't do it.

 

This made it difficult for my parents to really put their feet down - in fact, dad has yet to do it. Mom managed it a few years ago when she finally got stuck with her grandson, and saw my brother continue down the same path despite all the "help" he was getting. Dad still throws money at my brother - he knows that my brother is a black hole when it comes to money, but he still does it anyways just hoping that it'll help somehow.

 

Thing is, it never does (as you already know). But looking at my family's situation, I can see that the closer you are to the situation, or the more responsablity you feel for how things turned out, the harder it is to set those limits, even if you know you should. My sister and I have no sympathies for my brother - we grew up in the same house, one younger one older than him, yet we're both responsible people. There are no reasons for him to be such a drain on society, and we are able to see it as such. For my parents however, it's much more difficult to step back and set up those boundries - mom did it, but I think she has almost gone too far where even if my brother did change it would be nearly impossible for him to win back her trust (much of that is his own fault, but she's not one who can get over those things, even given a reasonable amount of time) - dad's still not set his foot down even though he knows he should.

 

You obviously know what you should be doing - it's just a matter of distancing yourself from it enough to be able to do that.

[noob]

There is nothing wrong with you!!! (Notice how I even underlined the exclamation points? I did that just for you.)

 

The worst that I could say is wrong with you is that you care very deeply and have yet to assimilate the disciplines of setting and sticking with boundaries and learning to trust your own instincts and wisdom more. I can't even say that you need to learn more than perhaps you already know about boundaries, because it seems clear to me that you already know what boundaries to set, you just have a hard time doing it. You know what ones to set, you just haven't done it enough for it to be a more solid discipline.

 

Of course you're exhausted. Jesus Fucking Christ! That, "cold, unfeeling," feeling isn't you being cold, it's a sign that you've used up your reserves and beyond. A person who's given every last drop of blood is going to feel bloodless, aren't they? Of course they will.

 

 

Thank you, Loren. I cried when I read your response. Perhaps it was the exclamation marks , but I think it was having someone acknowlege that there is nothing wrong with me. This entire thread has been very helpful if for no other reason than to remind me of what I do know. And I do know boundaries. I just struggle with them, especially when it comes to my nephew.

 

Thank you for your response. I feel hopeful that I can and will handle both situations. And I will definitely remember:

"Progress, not perfection."

[Franko47]

All I can do is protect myself from them

 

 

I have to do that a little from time to time with friends and family, and they don't even have these kinds of "problems". The trouble is, when you make it easy for people to get favours, and become the "well" that they think they can just keep going to, you will eventually be drained and left feeling the way that you have expressed here.

 

It's time to let them know that the "well" is pretty well dried up. Showering people with addictions with a whole lot of love doesn't really do anything. Their priorities are all different.

 

I think that once you start becoming more strict with these people, you'll feel a bit of control return, and feel better about managing this dilemma. Strangely enough, they will adjust to it. It's hard when it concerns people you really care about, but personal well-being must trump these considerations.

[noob]

You know, the closer you are to a situation, the harder it is to set those boundries, even if you know that's what you should do. I think of my brother as an example - he still is a taker, addictive behaviors both physically (some drug use, lots of alcohol) and mentally (lazy, can't hold down a job, horrible temper, etc). He KNOWS what is right, he can tell you exactly what he should be doing - he just won't do it.

 

This describes my nephew perfectly. He is smart and he can be a lot of fun, but he is incredibly lazy and expects someone else to take care of him. I fear that he really could not take care of himself at this point. He has worked off and on at minimum wage jobs. Currently he is on unemployment but he spends his money almost as soon as he gets it each week and them expects my sister to give him money for his methadone every day. That is supposed to keep him away from heroin, but right now I have a suspicion he is using cocaine. I don't give him money, but I do pay him to mow my grass every other week or so.

 

You obviously know what you should be doing - it's just a matter of distancing yourself from it enough to be able to do that.

 

You are right. I do know. And, I am going to spend some time making sure that we are both very clear on what I will and what I will not do.

 

Thank you for responding. It's been very helpful to see this situation through the eyes of others.

[Shyone]

 

Thank you for replying. I really do know the answer. I just don't like it. I've read enough and been through enough to know there is nothing I can do to change their addictive behaviors. All I can do is protect myself from them. And I am getting better at taking care of myself in spite of the fact that I struggle with guilt whenever I put myself first. I wrote a letter to my nephew several years ago and I let him know what I would and wouldn't do for him. I think it's time to revisit and update that letter. Thank you for reminding me of it. I really appreciate the feedback.

When I first replied, I feared that I had really stepped in it. I could take a bad relationship and make it worse. My own experience was not good. My mother was alcoholic, and I was a total enabler. At the age of 16, I would drive to the liquor store and buy her a 1/2 pint of her favorite booze. I had already pulled the distributer cable off of the care so she wouldn't drive, and getting her liquor for her was the compromise I made to keep her from driving. She did eventually stop drinking, but died relatively young.

 

My first wife was addicted to narcotics because of a painful condition. I wrote her a prescription for narcotic medication because she couldn't reach her regular doctor, and I was investigated by the state board of medical examiners. I swore not to do that again, and they gave me a pass with no other consequences other than severe embarrassment. I stuck to it, and she eventually stole some medication from my office which was shared by another doctor. In the long run, I divorced her.

 

So, one semi-success, one relationship failure. Not a great record to be making recommendations with.

 

Take everything you read on the internet with a grain of salt. As someone else said, you are really the only person to know what is right and wrong for you and yours. The fact that you have already written a letter puts you one step ahead. Good luck as you go forward.

[noob]

 

It's time to let them know that the "well" is pretty well dried up. Showering people with addictions with a whole lot of love doesn't really do anything. Their priorities are all different.

 

I think that once you start becoming more strict with these people, you'll feel a bit of control return, and feel better about managing this dilemma. Strangely enough, they will adjust to it. It's hard when it concerns people you really care about, but personal well-being must trump these considerations.

 

Thank you!!! You are so right. Their priorities are very different. And, I do know that they will adjust because I have seen it in the past with other family members. I feel like my nephew and my husband are the final frontier. They are the ones that have caused me the most difficulty. I appreciate your response. I suspect I will read these responses many times over the next few weeks.

[Guest ephymeris]

Hiya noob,

 

I can relate to your situation. My brother is a long time drug addict and alcoholic even after several arrests and nearly dying from a brain injury after a car accident directly related to his substance abuse. I continue to watch my parents feed my brother's addict personality of the entitled victim but I've had to drop out of the loop. My brother is like all addicts. He will take and take until you have nothing left to give, then he will take what belongs to you. He is manipulative and a liar but he's also terrible at it. He is terminally selfish and immature.

 

I'm exhausted from the strain my brother's addiction has placed on my family. None of us have "normal" relationships due to my brothers constant drama and issues. I've just checked out. He knows I'm no longer an avenue of favors or money so he never calls me. All I can do is watch my parents spiral down as they try to manage someone else's life. It's an impossible goal,managing someone else's life, as you know. You know what you have to say and do. Good luck to you. Protect yourself because you know if something bad happens, this is something HE chose. You are blameless in the consequences of his shitty life.

[godlessgrrl]

Raised by an alcoholic mother here. Full-blown, bottle-hiding, fifth-a-day lush. She went sober when she found Jeebus, but that's another story...

 

One of the most painful and yet most liberating lessons I learned growing up under the thumb of an addict was that the greatest love of an addict's life is whatever they're addicted to. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, whatever it is, nothing and no one else will be more important to them than getting their next fix. It doesn't matter how much you give, what you do, how you feel about them, until they hit rock bottom they will love their addiction more than you. And they have to hit rock bottom on their own, if they ever do.

 

I think enablers and survivors of addictive families feel guilty partly because we do love and care about our addicts and hate to watch them self-destruct. But more than that, addicts can be damned manipulative. We feel guilty because they guilt-trip and shame us into taking care of them. They manipulate us into all sorts of things in thousands of little ways, and we do them for both good reasons (like trying to preserve their safety) and bad reasons (like trying to pretend they aren't really a drunk). Spend enough time doing this sort of thing and enabling just becomes second nature, the guilt buttons infinitely easy to push - and push them, addicts do.

 

I'll reiterate what's already been said here: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Nothing at all. You've spent your life being drained dry and of course you have nothing else to give. And if the addicts in your life are adults, it's about damn time they started taking care of themselves, like responsible adults are expected to do. You are not being cold or cruel, you are not being unreasonable, you are not being uncaring. It's okay to rub some salt on those leeches and get 'em to let go and stop sucking you dry.

 

Hang in there.

[mwc]

I know there are no simple answers, but I have found so much wisdom and compassion here, I thought I would put it out and ask for feedback.

Google for "emotional vampires."

 

mwc

[noob]

I started this thread yesterday when I had limited time to get ready to go out to dinner with friends. My original post seemed to write itself. I don’t think I realized that I had been suppressing my anger and anxiety until that post erupted. I posted, showered, raced to dinner and found myself thinking, “Oh, shit. Why did you post that?”

 

However, by the time I got home several of you had responded and I felt tremendously comforted and encouraged by those responses.

 

Today, I went to work very early, had dinner plans, and I just got home and had the opportunity to read the responses that were posted last night and today. I am saddened that so many of your lives have been impacted by friends and family members with addiction and emotional problems. I am amazed at your kindness in sharing those stories while offering advice and encouragement.

 

Since I get up at 5:00 a.m., I am way too tired to respond to each of you right now, but I do want to say thank you and let you know that every response has touched me, helped me see my situation more clearly, and reinforced what I know I need to do.

 

This is really an incredible group of people. Thank you!

[agnosticator]

And you are an amazing, compassionate person noob!

[Kurari]

Hey, I know where you are coming from. I come from a family full of addicts, and I inherited the genes for that personality type myself. I'm addicted to food, but I come from a family of alcoholics and drug users and I know EXACTLY how hard it is trying to live with people who can't function correctly and take everyone else down with them.

 

At the same time, even though my addiction is relatively mild, I understand what they are going through. One thing I can tell you about us Addicts is that for us, our brains are solidly wired to using this one behavioral mechanism to cope with life. Whatever our focus is, there is nothing else in the world that can make the stress of day to day living go away like our fix can. Trust me, we try everything and always end up going back because other methods just don't seem to work, and the pressure of not having a fix is really, really painful. The cravings are exhausting, endless, and keep us from enjoying...anything. It's like when you've injured yourself, you can't seem to focus on anything but the pain from the injury.

 

For us, it's either the pain of using and seeing what it does to others, or try to endure the pain of craving and seeing what it does to ourselves. Neither choice is a peach to pick. Some people can find a way out of it, others can't. But typically, even if you can find a way to live without your fix, it's like a once broken bone. It doesn't heal back to perfect ever again.

 

So for you, frustrated compassionate family member...this isn't your war. You can't fight what we ourselves can't fight. You ARE allowed to put up boundaries so you don't get hit by the shrapnel of our lives detonating. You're allowed to tell people "No" in borrowing money or your things, or refuse to answer the phone, or whatever. If they never call you except for favors, block their numbers. If they call you drunk, tell them "I will not speak to you while you are drunk. Call me when you are sober."

 

Above all, don't feel guilty for doing this. Love may be unconditional, but life isn't. There HAS to be give and take. If you're ending up on one-sided relationships, then it's ok to stop giving. Keep telling your loved ones "I love you" but it's ok not to give anything else.

[noob]

I had an incredibly busy week last week and did not have more than a few minutes to see what was happening on ExC. However, I wanted to get back to this thread and thank everyone again for responding. I read through this thread several times during the week, but it was very difficult to jump back into it. These stories were very painful to read and it seems as if words cannot convey how touched I have been by your sharing. Oddly enough, I also felt so much relief after I started reading your responses, I wondered if misery really does love company!!!

 

Seriously, your support and kindness made me feel better and I have spent some time going back to several books that I found helpful in the past. And, for a variety of reasons, both my nephew and my husband do not seem to be as needy and intrusive as I felt they were being last weekend. Perhaps because I have kept busy with my own life and I have not spent any time thinking about what is going on in their lives. I do realize that I am the only person that I can change!

 

@ Shyone – I felt very sad as I read about your mother. You had to deal with a lot at a very young age. As an adult, I used to go get beer for my husband to keep him from driving while he was drunk. Doing that creates a horrible dilemma because you don’t want them to drink, but you know if you don’t do it, they will drive and endanger others. And, even though he was not physically abusive, living with him was devastating to my self-esteem. I moved in May of 2006 and for the first time in my 51 years, I lived alone! I hated it at first, but I’ve learned to enjoy having my own home and I am slowly distancing myself from his negativity.

 

I appreciate your response, but I think you might be a little hard on yourself! I am sure that with your mother and your ex-wife you did the best you could under the circumstances and I thank you for sharing your hard earned wisdom. I am pretty good at taking in information and then sifting through to pick out what works for me. Thanks again!

 

@ephymeris – Your post reminded me of a book that I read years ago. I pulled it off of the shelf and starting reading it again. It might be something that your parents would find helpful. The name of the book is, “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You, A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children” by Charles Rubin. I cannot remember if it had anything new to offer, or if I just found it comforting. Either way, I thought it couldn’t hurt me to read it again.

 

I was also saddened as I read your post, because much like your parents, my parents are still letting my younger sister consume their lives. She will be 52 years old this month, and they are still trying to “fix” her. It is so pathetic. Thank you so much for sharing this. Your posts and your status messages are so full of life and positive energy that I am encouraged by your confirmation that it is not my responsibility to try and manage other people’s lives, no matter what they try to tell me!!!

 

@gwenmead – As I said to Shyone, I felt very sad to read that you too had an alcoholic mother. As horrible as it has been for me to have an addicted spouse and child, I have to believe that having an alcoholic parent must be much, much worse. But, I can see that you gained a lot of wisdom from growing up in that environment. Because of my own neediness, I let myself forget how compelling their addictions are and I just keep trying to get them to love me. Your post made me laugh and cry at the same time. Leeches… how very appropriate. Thank you very much for your post. You really do have a good grasp on the manipulation and guilt angle. I appreciate your feedback more than you will ever know.

 

@mwc – Thank you. Other than one quick google (which actually overwhelmed me for some reason) I have not had a chance to do much reading on the subject of emotional vampires. But, I can tell that I need to and I will. I do not have myself overbooked this week like I did last week, so I hope to spend some time doing a little research and reading.

 

@Phanta – For some reason, I was letting myself get super worked up about the situation last weekend. It was probably a case of too much at one time. But, as a rule, I do not let myself wallow in their misery too much. Even though I feel sad for them and overly responsible for their well being; for the most part my life is full of wonderful friends and joyful times. Also, I appreciate you questioning the car situation. You are right. I am certainly NOT taking responsibility for my life when I let my nephew drive my car. If he were to wreck it or get it confiscated in a drug bust, I would be the one left without transportation. You are so wise!!! Thank you for your love and support. You are a treasure!!!

 

@ agnosticator - You too!!!

 

@ kurari – Thank you for your feedback. As I read your response, I was reminded that I used to tell people that my older sister was addicted to food (she was over 300 lbs. when she had gastric bypass surgery, lost a lot of weight, and probably weighs well over 200 lbs. now), my younger sister is a crack addict, and I have always been the overachieving, caretaking, people pleaser. Thank goodness I don’t have anymore siblings! My issue is more socially acceptable, but… damaging nonetheless. Thank you very much for sharing your personal perspective on this. I ached as I read how debilitating addiction can be and I realized that I do not really understand because I am not wired that way. I will let myself go just so far with a damaging behavior and then, I am able to reel myself in and gain control. How awful it must be to feel as if you are unable to do so. Thank you for being so open and helping me look at this through their eyes. Take care.

 

Now, I bet you are all thinking that I should have found a job where I get paid by the word!!! Think of the money!

 

Fondly,

noob

[hereticzero]

I have never been able to cut someone off without feeling like the biggest bastard in town for several days. Some people are addicted to sponging off of others. They can have everything but still want what I have too. I had always been a good host, no one goes home unfed, or unwatered. When I got married, my wife was the same way. The people really started coming out of the woodwork then and they would eat our food, drink our beer and then be insulting to us about religious matters, mostly when we did not bring up the subject. So it came to a head one day and I parted with a good friend after 25 years. There is only so much I'll take from anyone and my wife is totally off limits to someone screaming and ranting and raving (this other person was a drug addict and not marijuana either! When he had troubles finding a bone, he came to our house to rant about everything going wrong in his life). I don't even yell at my wife! Some times, we really do outgrow our friends and family and we have to move on even if they do not. That's the stance I take with people, they are welcome in my home but if they abuse that privilege, they don't come over any more. Even when I know I'm in the right, cuz the ol' lady tells me I did good, I still feel like a heel. I have discovered the best thing for me is time and distance from the person makes a difference.